A
female
age
30-35,
*isastuds
writes:Have a problem, don't know who to talk to.I've been with my bf for three years straight. Before we got serious, I told him I wanted to wait till we got married before we actually had sex. I've been grown in a Christian home and yea I know this ideal is a old but its what I wanted. He somewhat agreed (somewhat because he wasn't a virgin or anything and he said he needed sex). So anyways, my pact didn't last long because mostly I felt selfish and soon we started having sex quite regularly. I told him then that he at least shouldn't ejaculate in me. I really don't want to get pregnant, plus I was hoping to at least keep something for our wedding night, when we'd officially start our life together. He agreed.Now in the third year of our relationship and he has gotten a lot more open than when I first met him. I don't know if its all the porn he watches or what. Anyway, he showed me a porno vid where this man had sex with a woman while in her sleep. And I was saying that it couldn't happen, not the way the man was going. He said he'd try it. This was experimental and seemed kinda kool. I really wanted to know if that could happen to me without me knowing it.So he tried. And I woke up, but he said that he tried again, not too hard and with the right lubrication and it worked.I went back to sleep but something awoke me and I felt a lot of moisture between my legs. I was startled, asked him if it was cum or saliva. He said saliva. I believed him because I trusted him.Now, tonight, we were supposed to have sex. I wanted it and I think he did. But he just wanted to go straight to it, no foreplay no attempt to turn me on except for sucking on my nipple which did more to turn me off than on, probably because he was just sucking, like a child would suck I guess.So, that sexual attempt was squashed. He got turned off because I kept telling him I wasn't ready. I was not. Not horny, not turned on, it would have been painful. So we ended up not doing it.I fell asleep, and woke to an odd sensation of my anus burning, and between my legs wet. I was confused, caught in the middle of sleep and reality. I told him to stop, figured that he was trying the sleep thing again, and wiped off and went back to bed. I really wiped the whole anus thing out of my mind because we have never had anal sex and he has always spoken against it.A few minutes later I woke again. This time I felt him pull out, he was slightly forcing himself in my ass. I was startled, but yet again, I didn't know how to confront him because it was beyond me that he would really do that. Plus, he every time I woke he behaved like he was watching a video on youtube. I decided to fake sleep and see what he was really doing.long story short, he lubricated my vagina, pushed himself halfway in, did a few strokes then tried to do the same with my rear. I rolled over and he waited, then he tried again. when he realized it was pointless, he tried regular intercourse, and then I felt him ejaculate in me. He then wiped off the excess, checked to see if any was on my legs and came and lay beside me, spooning me like he always does.I am so hurt and shocked. Its not that he has tried the anal sex alone, its because I feel raped. and he ejaculated in me!!! without even letting me know afterwards what he had done. I am going to the clinic in the morning for the morning after pill.I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed and used. I am wondering how I am going to trust him again.I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, person12345  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Male anon, this is extremely clearly rape. A sleeping person is not in a position to consent to sex, and therefore any "sex" with someone who is asleep is rape. There is nothing to understand about what he did, it is irrelevant whether he "likes [her] a lot."
A
female
reader, OnlyException  +, writes (27 March 2011):
I'd just like to add to what everyone else has said with one more point; what he did was very dangerous. You should NEVER EVER go straight from anal sex to vaginal sex! You can transmit all kinds of harmful bacteria into your vagina by doing that. You could have gotten seriously ill. I'd definitely raise this issue with him too. Ok, he's seen it in porn, but the women in porn have had enemas and are probably as sanitary as it's gonna get in a hole made for excretion. For me, this would be a huge dealbreaker- in my opinion, you should get out of this relationship and down to the police station. He raped you vaginally, anally, put you at the risk of serious infections, and ejaculated inside you without telling you so that you could avoid a pregnancy that could have ruined all your life plans. Please please please, get out of this relationship. He WILL do it again, no matter what he says. And what if you don't wake up and you miss your next period and find out you're pregnant? Is it really worth that risk for someone who has absolutely zero respect for you?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): First of all I empathize with how you must feel. A man you feel so close to and want to find a way to spend the rest of your life with. Did something that could impact the rest of your life in a way that you do not want at all.You must feel scared and not safe. Which could possibly tip you into going into another direction entirely with your life. All due to no fault of your own! But as a man I can comfortably say that your boyfriend probably likes you a lot. That he did go too far considering your requests. But as the other respondent said it was somewhat understandable. I wasnt there but I would suggest you really consider his "body of work" in terms of how he treats your wishes. I think that by doing that you can get to a place where you can make the right decision for yourself.
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A
female
reader, lisastuds +, writes (26 March 2011):
lisastuds is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo make it clear to the male anonymous respondent.... I didn't give him permission to have sex with me (that is intercourse) during my sleep. The very first time I said ok try becuase I wanna see if I would actually sleep through it, we were discussing trying oral sex in my sleep. Not intercourse. So him doing intercourse with me during sleep was never agreed to in the first place,
And yes I am really upset about his ejaculation in me...and quite to contrary belief, he is actually pretty good with controlling his orgasm. He didnt have to come in me if he didn't want to.
Thirdly, I am haven't stressed about the anal sex because I'm not upset about him wanting it. It's just that we have never discussed doing it together because (well I thought) we were both against it...and for him to try it, something that I said I'd never do, with me in my sleep is extremely shocking.
The thing about him ejaculating in me is that it hits not one, but two sore points. 1) WE agreed that he wouldn't.
2) He could have gotten me pregnant (btw I took the test, I'm not).....and he never said a thing to me about it!!! That is the real shocking part. That he would destroy my entire life, and lie to me about it.
Hope u understand better now.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 March 2011):
I have to disagree extremely strongly with the anonymous poster below. That is horrifying that he would do that to you. If you gave him permission to do it once on your rules, fine. But he's not following your rules, he's treating you like his own personal masturbation toy rather than a human being with feelings and emotions. Does he not care if you get pregnant? This isn't a matter of dumping, this is a matter of pressing charges. You were raped, multiple times it sounds like. You should report him to the police and take action against him. This guy is dangerous.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2011): I must disagree with the tone of the group. I think your BF's actions aren't right but they are kind of understandable.I have read the whole post twice, and the only thing I can find that your BF actually did against your "rules" was to come inside you. (You didn't want to have sex before marriage? Okay then you need to charge him with rape. Or else you need to gain some maturity and accept responsibility for your own decisions. Don't include your entire sex life as part of his transgressions against you whenever you're angry at him. You can't have it both ways.) You previously gave your BF permission to try to have sex with you while you were sleeping. He did it again on this night that we are discussing. I won't comment on the anal attempt because it was not against your spoken rules and it doesn't seem to be what really got your attention. The only point of contention is that he came inside you. I understand that you didn't want that. But be realistic: You give your BF permission to screw you while you're asleep but he's not supposed to finish? It's not uncommon for guys to have a hard time controlling when they orgasm when you're both awake. Let alone when he knows you're not aware, and it has to be SO tempting when he's literally INSIDE you, thrusting away, and about to orgasm. Come on. What he did wasn't right but you let the situation get pretty far towards encouraging him to break your rules.
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A
female
reader, lisastuds +, writes (23 March 2011):
lisastuds is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your input. I had a long talk with him last night, told him how I feel about it and how my expectations and trust in him have all dissipated into nothing. I told him how disappointed I was in him and that I am still so shocked it all still feels like a dream.I know I should take your advice and end the relationship, but you wouldn't believe how hard that is. I love him. And I never realized I loved him to this extent till I tried to tell him that I wanna end the relationship. The words wouldnt come out. I'm bleeding inside. It's been three years! I invested my whole life in him, made certain decisions the path my life should take because of him and gave up a whole lot just to make him happy and he does this to me?The thing is, when I confronted him about it, even the anal sex part, he denied it. Taking me for an idiot I guess. He also denied the ejaculation. And when I confronted him with the facts he finally admitted to them, and told me he lied because he's ashamed and he didn't want me to hate him.He says that I have all the right to hate him, but I must give him a chance to make it up to me. I think this is just reverse psychology. I really don't know how to trust him again.He wrote me this long apology, and this morning when I woke he was moping around the house, trying to hold or hug me, begging me not to leave him.He said that he knows it was selfish and he doesn't know what happened to him. Going to take the pregnancy test soon, praying that I'm not pregnant.BTW, sorry this is so long.
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A
female
reader, bookworm  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 Break up with him. You were raped, and it is well within your rights to press charges. You did not want what he did, and he could very well have gotten you pregnant if he has done this before. You dont know what happened the last few times he has raped you in your sleep. Yes, everytime you had sex while asleep, he was raping you, because you did not consent to it, and you definely did not consent to the ejaculation, or to the anal sex. Please, get tested for pregnancy as well. You do not want to have a child by this man. Also, you were NOT selfish to want to wait until your wedding night. HE was the selfish one when he made you feel obligated to have sex with him to begin with. From what I can tell, you never really did want the sex, and from the stories you told us, he isnt a very caring lover. Confront him, or have the police do it for you. Either way, get tested, and please break up with him. You dont want this to become a regular occurence. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): you were raped. He knew what you wanted and what you didn't want and he took advantage of the fact that you were asleep and did something without your permission. I suggest you stop this sleep sex thing because he cannot be trusted and seriously think of the future of your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Hi there, first off i'm sorry this has happened to you - it sounds very hard. This guy appears to be taking advantage of you and being rather selfish which is not on and no girl deserves. You need to stand up for yourself and if you want this relationship to continue sit this guy down and face to face tell him you feel violated and taken advantage of and it's not on for a guy to do anything to his girlfriend without her consent! It's disrespectful to say the least! It could even be considered rape if he's almost forcing himself upon you if you've told him you don't want him doing that to you. Be very serious but keep calm and on top of the situatioon and tell him this. If he doesn't agree then take a week off and think long and hard about this relationship. If he loves and respects you like all good relationships should consist of this should end no questions asked and there should be no more problems. BUT you need to tell him if you're keeping your feelings to yourself he won't know how he's making you feel and if you never said anything he may have assumed you were fine with it. HOewever, if he argues against and demands it or continues to do this to you as hard as it will be end it. You deserve better and no decent guy would ever want to cause this suffering and upset to a girl he loved. You can find someone better who deserves you. Good luck and deal with it soon! Don't let this continue stand strong.
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A
female
reader, kaykay1989 +, writes (22 March 2011):
 First of all this is very wrong and I wish you stuck to your guns if you wanted to wait till marriage he should of fully understood that and not pressure you into anything you don't want to do.I think you should of said something when this whole going to sleep and trying it thing incident happened to make it very clear to him that this is not on, how ever its not to late to let him know this is not on and he's doing it when your asleep against your concent so it is rape. Let him know how serious this is.You have done the right thing in getting the morning after pill but i would suggest you do a pregnancy test as this isn't the 1st time he's tried this so he could of ejaculated inside you and lied about the whole thing which is unacceptable.You need to have this out with him and confront him about you feel this is rape and against everything you wanted and if you feel able to speak to someone such as a family member about all this and if you want to take futher action against him.I wish you all the best and please do a follow up on here because would be really interested in to how it all went good luck xoxoxox
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