A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK, my question is what should I do??? My boyfriend broke up with me six months ago for less than a week and slept with his roommate and got her pregnant. Apparently she just realized NOW that she's pregnant and told him just the other week. What the hell... I trusted them both! I worked with both of them and knew that he didn't have much money and they had a lease together and they were roommates before I dated him. I was jealous but I talked it over with him and he assured me he wouldn't cheat. And apparently he didn't because we were broken up... Still burns me though since it was for only a week. The problem is now is how to deal with the situation. Everyone is shocked she's pregnant (except maybe her?) and he's going to be a dad in three months. I don't know if I can handle this. I hate her. She's had a thing for him and what a perfect way to keep him in her life, by having a child with him. He's going to go to Lamaze classes with her, take her to the doctor, and he's living with her because she is hey.. his roommate! It's like they have a little family unit and I'm going to be on the sidelines.He swears up and down, gazing into my eyes that he loves me and wants to keep me and that he'd never marry her because she's not his type. Just a fuck buddy. He wants me to be the step mom to his kid, to be together. To maybe have kids of our own one day. I don't know what to do. My anger and bitterness are there but I do love him. He slept with her six months in the past but since then our relationship has seemed ok. I love him. I do want to be with him. But I hate her. He lives with her. Going to have a kid with her. Will I get over this? Can I? I know it's not the kids fault but when I see her I'll feel hurt. Both my boyfriend and my ex friend took away something from me. Trust, acceptance. If I ever had a kid with him it wouldn't be a special first. I'd always be second. He's 30!!! Not some teenager. I'm only 25. And she's what.. a few years younger than me? Please, please.. has anyone gone through anything similar? Does anyone have advice? Life experience? Logic says chuck him, heart says it's love and try to work it out. Which is right? He loves me, but can I still trust him? Can I handle the other woman? Can I handle him being happy to have a daughter? He's always wanted kids. I begging for help, answers, advice..
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broke up, fuck buddy, jealous, money, my ex, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Her body - her choice.
Pregnancies are never fair on the dude. That is a fact.
Another fact is this... HE COULD have used a condom, I doubt he did if this was the second time he knocked her up. And yea she sounds shady, I'm guessing her reason to keeping the baby is twofold.
1. the emotional hardship of having aborted a fetus before.
2. to get closer to your BF.
If you intend on staying with this guy remember that she will obvious do ANYTHING to have him be part of his life. She knows he takes his responsibilities serious and she WILL take advantage of this.
"Kill" her with kindness.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. Honestly I didn't know if anyone would even say anything...
Some extra info. He broke up with me, and a week later took me out to dinner and asked to get back together. I never rejected him.
As to how long I've been dating him, it's a bit more complicated. I dated him a few years prior to this for 9 months but I said stop because I was younger, and not serious as he was. I didn't want to hurt him or lead him on so I honestly told him that it wasn't his fault, but that I was too young (emotionally, was over 18) to be in anything serious. I didn't do anything wild and crazy after that (just not my style) but I did take a few years to grow up some.
We never lost touch and went from being friends over the years back to dating and something serious (marriage mentioned now and then). We've been on this second run about a year. So this is not a fly by relationship.
On another note, I do respect him for stepping up and taking responsibility but it doesn't make the situation hurt me any less. I never thought he'd drop the other woman.
Sigh, Now to her. She apparently was his fuck buddy years ago before the first time I started dating him (so years back). He told me this, was upfront and I understood. I was uncomfortable and jealous but I discussed it with him and he swore he'd never sleep with her since we were TOGETHER (Notice the key word?). Apparently back then he got her pregnant and they had an abortion. *shrugs* Everyone has a history so I let this pass.
Here is the fishy part and why I sound so much angrier at her than him. Yes I'm pissed at him but I'm also so angry at her because of HER jealousy. During our relationship she has treated me coldly. Apparently she was jealous and worried that he and I would be a tight couple and she would be left out of his life. The boy actually had to sit her down and talk with her and assure her that no, he wouldn't just up and disappear with me. I've brought her bday gifts, holiday gifts, tried to talk to her in a friendly manner and we've been coworkers so I know some about her. I thought we had some mutual respect. Apparently not since she hopped back into bed with him and then didn't know she was pregnant for SIX MONTHS. So.. he had no choice about keeping the baby or not. AND she told him she was six months along the night the boy and I had a fight. What better way to keep him in her life than have his kid since she knows that he'd never ever abandon his kids.
So yeah, this is messy and screwy and painful as hell. She gets what she wants, he made a douche bag move and I end up with the raw end of the deal.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (27 July 2010):
 Male anon, he broke up with her,not the other way around, so I doubt he ran to the roommate because she rejected him. I agree that he did not cheat, though, but I have a feeling that there's more to their relationship than you're being told.
The fact that he refers to her as a "fuck buddy" should clue you in on the nature of their relationship before you started dating him. They were probably gettin' it on before you came around, which is why it was so easy for him to jump into bed with her less than a week after your breakup. You picked up on the fact that she's had a thing for him--well, she had a thing for him because they used to sleep together, which is why she had no problem sleeping with someone who is supposed to be "just" her roommate.
You don't mention how long you've been with this man, so the question you have to truly ask yourself is "Is he worth it?". Is a relationship with him worth all of the limitations his situation are about to cause in your life? If he's having money issues now, it's only going to get worse because he has to support this child; you may have to delay your own childbearing because of his obligations to this child. You may find yourself being THIRD place in terms of his priorities, since the baby and her mother's needs will frequently come before your own. You know yourself better than any of us, and only you know if you'll be able to tolerate another woman on the periphery of your relationship.
You have a lot to consider and you must give yourself time to really think through what ending or staying in this relationship will mean for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Leave him, it's just as much his fault as hers so there's no point dwelling on how bitchy she is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): The Aunties are rather tough calling his sex "cheating". A break up means you have rejected him, he is a free agent and can seek out someone else. Unlucky for you that he had someone so close by offering comfort at a time when he was feeling deeply hurt and unhappy. Rather predictable though -- you really should have seen that as a likely result of your rejection. In the future when talking about relationships, say what you mean. You obviously went for effect over meaning with the break up, and that's unwise now that other people are grown up enough to take you at your word.
But really, given the complexity of your situation, cheating or not is a distraction. The question is what to do now.
It seems to me that he has to move out, for no reason other than their living under the same roof makes you sad. He can share with someone else if finances require that. He says he wants to keep you, here's where you find out if those words are true.
As for Lamaze classes and the like. He is the father of a child and it is admirable that he hasn't bolted. I realise that makes life hard for you.
At the same time, he really should communicate with you before making arrangements with her for things like pregnancy classes. Just as he would if any other woman had asked him. Of course, you need to realise that he is a father and there are responsibilities to the pregnant woman and to the child, so you should be generous when he does raise these things with you. But his behaviour where he agrees to these things without consultation and you get to lump it or leave has to stop.
His request that you be a step mom is totally unrealistic. That's not your relationship with the child at all. There's no point making it fit. Try for "auntie" -- you'll do the occasional child minding as a favour, but the responsibilities of child raising are not yours.
Personally, I'd be worried that his relationship with her seems to be a lot better than his relationship with you. They seem to have a level of communication that he and you lack. Perhaps that is from being under the same roof, but I can see why you are concerned. Once he is living elsewhere, that will clarify itself.
In the long run, you've got to ask yourself if you can see yourself with a man who's closely involved with bringing up a child with someone else. Lot's of women don't see themselves doing that, which is why there are a lot of single dads.
You also need to probe his views on children with you. Does he want that at all now that he has one child? He may not know the answer to that himself until after the child is born.
You are wrong about one thing, because you have no children. There are no "special firsts". All children are special, your heart simply expands to make room for them all. They are all individuals, and so it is not like the second child steps into the footprints of the first. There's certainly less anxiety with the later children, but anxiety isn't something you look back upon fondly.
Now, a few words about love. You aren't a teenager anymore, so it doesn't mean flowers and pashing and what your "heart says". It means mutual attraction, respect, communication -- best summarised by the feeling that you could both be with this person when you are both 65.
You are 25. If you want to start a family then the next five years is the best time to do it. If you let yourself be strung along you will miss that opportunity. So be honest and forthright about your emotions and intentions and make sure other people are the same. If they are not, you are taking a considerable risk of unhappiness. So set goals -- such as him moving out within some number of months -- and if he doesn't meet them, pull the pin. Be fair, don't keep your goals or their timeframes a secret. Be firm -- it's your future people are playing with here and you want a result which works for you.
Hope this is of some help.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 July 2010):
I'd dump the guy and feel sorry for the room mate. She got knocked up by a moron.
Sorry I think you should start looking for a guy with more.. self control.
To be honest you are being TOTALLY unfair in making this sound like it was all the room mates fault. It wasn't immaculate conception. YOUR bf got her pregnant. A WEEK after you two broke up/had a break. I seriously doubt that was the only sex those two have had.
Walk away now would be my advice.
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A
female
reader, MisguidingBoys  +, writes (27 July 2010):
GET OUT GET OUT NOW
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 July 2010):
I'll tell you now, that you will not get over this. You hate her, when you should be questioning him. So how do you think you'll feel when your holiday gets cancelled because she calls up to say their kid is ill, or needs new shoes, or attention from Daddy. How will you feel when that child comes to visit? Unhappy, probably. What if you have children and this other child wants to meet its siblings? You'll have to let them. And when you can't buy a new car, or a house because he has to keep this other child? How will you feel when he puts his child with her before you, which he will?
Basically, he's screwed up any chance of a solid future for you. Walk away.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): Leave him! The fact that he is denying that he cheated as you were broken up proves that he cant accept responsability and refuses to take any blame even though he was in the wrong, plus you were only seperated for 1 week and it didnt take him long to jump into bed with the girl he lives with and i assume he is still living with now. Just dump him, you will never trust him again and its going to be so messed up and complicated now that shes having a baby. I feel so bad for you i cant imagin how heart broken you must feel! :( you dont need someone like that in your life! xx
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (27 July 2010):
You hare her because??? YOUR boyfriend slept with her, and you hate HER??? I would be thanking her for showing me what kind of guy he is. Why?
Fast forward 5 years from now. You are married with kids, and you find out he is cheating on you...then what?
When do you want to find out what kind of guy you have? before or after marriage?
So, go see her, give her a big hug, thank her, wish her all the best, and see ya both later.
Never hate anyone...Second, never hate someone because of a scum bag.
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A
female
reader, 123itsme +, writes (27 July 2010):
First off, i think maybe they were sleeping together before then, secondly he needs to move out and maybe live with u, because as long as he stays there your paranoia is gonna go to the next level,third if u really love him u will find a way to work it out but somethings are just to unforgivable
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A
female
reader, Carina1993 +, writes (27 July 2010):
You really need to leave this guy. He sounds like a massive ... Idiot
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