A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't know where to begin...well my boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 years. Everything has been amazing, he's everything I've ever wanted in a guy and so much more. We have talked about a future together, getting married, kids, everything. He even gave me a promise ring on our 1 year anniversary. Of course no relationship is perfect, but we've always been able to get past the issues. I honestly thought things were going amazingly. Well he had started a new job and had started making new friends, then starting this past September, they invited him to go out drinking which he had never really experienced before. I mean he'd been out drinking at the bar but these guys would rent a party bus, drink on the bus to the club, drink at the club and go all out. Well my boyfriend has always been very good with his liquor and handling himself when he drinks. Well in the beginning of October he went out and ended up blacking out for the first time. He was afraid he had cheated, but I wasn't angry or anything, for god sakes he was drunk. I'd be a bitch to hold that against him. We kept going and things weren't completely normal but were still good. We still saw each other and everything like normal. Well then he found out that he punched a guy while he was blacked out, which according to him is really unlike him. I had always thought that if he had gotten angry enough he could punch someone if he wanted to and it turns out he ended up punching the guy to prevent the guy from hitting his friend, which is very much like him, he's an amazing friend to his friend. Well since then he had, as he put it, "started questioning himself", I thought he had just gotten scared of losing control like he did and just needed time to sort it out. Well in the middle of October things went back to normal for a bit, but then he suddenly started seeming distant. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he had started questioning everything about himself and his life. I knew he had been concerned about whether he really wanted to be a graphic designer and whether or not he should transfer to a different school so it wasn't super alarming at first. He's also the type that when something's wrong he kind of resorts to himself and sorts it out himself, so I thought he just needed to sort things out. Well things started to get worse. I was curious about some things so I got into his email and found some questionable emails. I asked him about it and he says he didn't do it and I believe him. He has said from the beginning that he would never cheat on me because he knows what it's like to be cheated on and how much it hurts so I trust him completely and he has never given me a reason not to trust him. Well now it's been almost a month since we've seen each other (normally we saw each other every weekend). And things seem to have gotten worse. He says he's even more confused and is questioning EVERYTHING about his life. For example: his love for cars, who he is, all his hobbies, and worst of all he says he's kind of confused about our relationship.I have no idea where this is coming from, things were amazing between us and it seems to have come completely out of the blue. He says he still loves me but that he doesn't know how long it will take for him to "find himself again" and he doesn't want to drag me along and hurt me. The only reason I am hurt is because I feel like he's given up on us. I know he needs time and I'm willing to give that to him but if he loves me as much as I knew he did in those two years how can he be so confused about us now?? All I'm looking for is some sort of sign that he still wants me and doesn't want to let me go. He has said that he still loves me and I want to be here for him. I feel like I'm abandoning him if I leave and that it will only make things worse. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but if I stay I feel like I kind of get hurt and if I leave I know I'll get hurt. The scariest part is that if I hold on and he figures himself out that at the end of it all he may decide he doesn't want me anymore and he says he doesn't want to hurt me even more if it did come to that. I don't know what to do. We keep making plans to get together but it has yet to happen. My opinion is that if I'm really the girl he thinks I am and told me I am, if I am really the girl that can make him smile when no one else can and when he's his saddest that when he sees me that things will be less confusing, that he'll remember how he really feels and won't want to let me go. He said he's willing to give it a try and I agreed that if nothing changes and he's still confused after seeing me that I will walk away and never look back. I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I really want to wait this out because I don't honestly believe that you can be so in love, like we were, and then just become so confused about it all so suddenly. This is my first serious relationship and I care about him very much. I don't want to give up, I'm not ready to. I don't know what to do. I do believe that he will get past this and I want to believe that he will come back to himself and that we can get past this and I want to. I want to be able to get past this and make our relationship stronger. Is there any way to help him get through this besides just leaving?? He says he loves me, that has to mean something. I just don't know if I should be so easy to give up. Please help, any suggestions or opinions are much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012):
Find Out Why You Broke Up
This is your next step on how to get my ex boyfriend back. Find out the reason behind the break up. Did you cheat on him, Did he cheat on you that you broke up, Did he
leave you for another woman, Are there any habits that made him leave you in case he is the one who broke up with you? Finding out a reason behind the break up can
will help you identify an area that you need to fix so that he can see that you have changed for the better.
Many times you find a woman doesn't know exactly why her boyfriend broke up with her. If you are in this kind of situation, try to dig for some answers and get the
clear ones as to why the relationship ended. Why do you have to find the reason behind the break up? Because you can't fix anything between you and your ex boyfriend
if you don't know the reason behind the break up.Contact Dr Lucy Via :[email address blocked]
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Oh and by the way I didn't title this question, the website edited it for me. The only part that was my own is "how can i help him & our relationship?". Excuse me for believing in true love, I admit I'm young but so were all of you at some point. There's no reason to be so harsh. Thanks for the advice, I will take it into consideration.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): You know some of you people are real a**holes. There are better ways to give advice the being so cruel. I'm glad reality has set in for all of you, but you must be forgetting what your first love was like. Yes I know everything that you all have so "kindly" told me. Excuse me for trusting someone, but there's absolutely no need to insult me, especially no need to tell me I need psychological help. I'm human and have feelings so unless you have constructive criticism to give me with out being so rude then I will gladly accept it. You can have your opinions, but don't you dare insult me, you don't know me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): YOU are 21 at most OF COURSE You will be loved again,The fact you are attached to that excuse of a man is pathetic and speaks volumes of your "maturity" Dont you deserve better? You think so little fo yourself???. HE IS GIVING YOU NOTHING BUT SUFFERING. You re NOt his mother and you are making him A baby and smothering him. I know you wont listen to the advice here and you will stay with him...missing out on REAL MEN out there that at your age have goals and means figured out. You cannot help him, there is nothing YOU can do, he sounds like he wants to be left alone. Teell him " I love you, but I feel like I hinder your growth" If he cares he will get his shit together and come bback for you, but he needs to ALONE to figure his s**t out, you are clearly an IMPEDIMENT to his personal growth. Imagine going through this maturity process, and questioning life and its meaning and then having someone clingy wanting attention???
You and him both deserve better.
Let him be and grow, you also need some maturing to do if you thought after two years, a promise ring and at your AGE you were going to marry. Also thinking you wont be loved again is inmature, take this opportunity away from him to mature as well and learn to love yourself, hit the gym, learn a skill get into college or w.e. He clearly needs to be set free, he is not YOURS you cannot want him back, because people do not own each other.
People come and go, a ring does not mean he will always be yours, he is going through this maturity, maybe you need to start loving yourself more and realize you are begging and demeaning yourself for a few scraps of love...is this what you want for the rest of your life??? Dont you deserve whole passionate unconditional and sincere love from someone who is HAPPY??
Think about it.
You deserve better, go find yourself (fearing not being loved again is soemthign you should work on ASAP!!!!), and let him find himself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): Previous anon male reponding to anon female, presumably OP.
"So there is honestly nothing else to do except let him go??"
You can't let go of what was never yours.
"There's no way to try and work this out"
Not if he doesn't want to, not if there's nothing to work out.
"I'm really scared. I don't know how to move on and worst of all he was my first real relationship, how do you get over the fear of not being able to be loved again??"
By realizing you haven't been loved a first time, that you were taken in by a con artist and deserve better.
"We have agreed to get together and see each other to see what happens and I told him that if seeing me really doesn't change anything that I will walk away and not look back."
You're not going anywhere, you're playing right into his hands. He'll just shovel another load of existentialist BS and convince you that seeung you really has changed everything, then you'll go to bed with him, and the cycle of dysfunction will begin anew.
"Things were going so well, why did it have to get so screwed up??"
Because he's a lying, manipulative, charming con artist.
"I just want him back...."
He never wanted you, he just wanted to use you. Sorry, but that's real life. Please seek counselling to help you overcome and recover from this unfortunate chapter in your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): "Boyfriend going through existential crisis."
DC trnaslation: Boyfriend looking for an excuse to boink other girls, if he isn't already.
"Everything has been amazing, he's everything I've ever
wanted in a guy and so much more. We have talked about a future together, getting married, kids, everything. He even gave me a promise ring on our 1 year anniversary. I honestly thought things were going amazingly."
DC translation: Doomed dysfunctional relationship between charming, smooth-talking con artist and needy, clingy, starry-eyed chick.
"My opinion is that if I'm really the girl he thinks I am and told me I am, if I am really the girl that can make him smile when no one else can and when he's his saddest that when he sees me that things will be less confusing, that he'll remember how he really feels and won't want to let me go."
He doesn't think you're the girl he TOLD you he thinks you are, he's lying.
"He said he's willing to give it a try"
What he SAYS and what he DOES are two different, usually directly contradictory, things.
"I don't want to give up, I'm not ready to. I don't know what to do. I do believe that he will get past this and I want to believe that he will come back to himself and that we can get past this and I want to. I want to be able to get past this and make our relationship stronger."
Unfortunately, your beliefs are likely misinformed and your wants are likely unattainable.
"Is there any way to help him get through this besides just leaving??"
No, the only way for YOU to get through this is by just leaving.
"He says he loves me, that has to mean something."
When a guy SAYS he loves you that means nothing other than he wants to string you along. You should be paying attention to what he DOES (or DOES NOT do).
"I just don't know if I should be so easy to give up."
That's exactly what he's counting on.
"Please help, any suggestions or opinions are much appreciated."
Accept the unfortunate, cold, harsh but inevitable and inescapable realiy that you've been played for a fool and all his existentialist new-wave crap is just a smokescreen for him wanting to screw other women, if he isn't already and/or hasn't been all along. You are young and naive and have incredibly unrealistic fantasyland expectations about a guy who is a complete and total loser.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2012): So there is honestly nothing else to do except let him go?? There's no way to try and work this out, I'm really scared. I don't know how to move on and worst of all he was my first real relationship, how do you get over the fear of not being able to be loved again?? We have agreed to get together and see each other to see what happens and I told him that if seeing me really doesn't change anything that I will walk away and not look back. Things were going so well, why did it have to get so screwed up?? I just want him back....
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A
male
reader, bluewarrior911 +, writes (12 November 2012):
 I'm not sure, but it seems he is going through a "Spiritual Awakening". There are many who are experiencing this and I am not talking about organized religion.
It is sort of like a mid-life crisis, but it is not. The fact that he is questioning the deeper meaning of life and his state of "confusion" reminds me of such an experience. Things that used to interest us before like partying, football games, watching T.V., abruptly faded away. This also applies to relationships. It has nothing to do with the person on the other side of the relationship, but everything to do with what is going on inside of him. He will eventually surrender to the fact that Happiness and Love can never be found outside of himself, but from within.
The best thing you can do is to let him go. As a free and sovereign Spirit, he will need to discover things out for himself. It is just part of everyone's soul journey. Just be there for him. Make no demands or have any expectations. In the end he will love you for it.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (12 November 2012):
 Ok I read your post twice and it reveals a LOT, but you are so young and I have no wish to confuse you, but I am going to try to break it down.
Firstly you say:
'I don't honestly believe that you can be so in love, like we were, and then just become so confused about it all so suddenly'
truth is, when a person suddenly changes their mind they WILL be thrown into a sea on confusion, even if they say they were deeply in love. Men tend to rush in and come on strong and then suddenly they can change their minds like clicking a switch. It's hard to believe this can happen, but it does, all of the time.
Why has he changed his mind and now appears to be so confused?
Well it could be several things.
Maybe on that night out with his new friends, he did cheat on you and perhaps it made him feel scared that he was getting in too deep with you at such a young age? Perhaps discovering he hit a guy made him feel that perhaps the person he is with you, is not really who he wants to be right now (confusing huh?)
Men mature much later than women and in this day and age there has been a definite shift to people staying single for longer, experimenting with more partners and settling down much later (If at all)
A few night out with different friends who have different ideas and show him a different life would not be difficult to turn his head...and I think this is what has happened, since his behaviour changed after that time.
I do not doubt that he cares for you deeply, but right now he is swimming in confusion and guilt about abandoning the life he had with you...but something inside of him is acting as a much stonger force and is pulling him away (Like that little nagging voice in our heads that comes from deep inside that we cannot ignore...right?)
All the signs are there to be seen, the sudden guilt over wondering if he cheated, the new bravado shown to his friends, the pulling away and confusing behaviour, the mixed messages...
This is a guy who wants to try a new path and as much as I want to sit here and help you win him back...I don't think there is anything much you can do to achieve that.
As a girl who is obviously very much in love with this guy, you are doing the 'female' thing of trying to work him out, attempting to cover all the bases with reasoning, pleading, excusing his behaviour and then ultimately, you have blamed yourself.
quote:'He has said that he still loves me and I want to be here for him. I feel like I'm abandoning him if I leave and that it will only make things worse'
I feel so sorry that this is happening to you, but you have to realise that it IS happening and that you cannot do much at this time to make him come back. Only time will tell and he most definitely is not going to do anything he doesn't want to.
It isn't about you giving up the relationship and feeling guilt over that.
It is about him deciding if the relationship is what HE truly wants and how HE is going to go about either fixing it or ending it. This is nothing you can fix, because YOU did not make the problem.
He needs guilt free time apart from you and the freedom to try new things, meet other people and explore whilst he is still young, because marriage and kids and settling down is a pretty big step for most young people, especially men and even talking about those things taking place in the future can be too much pressure. Uncomfortable but true, you have to accept that.
There is nothing to say he won't come back to you, but right now you cannot hold onto him if he does not wish to be held and you cannot put your own life on hold for someone whilst they make up their mind.
I am so sorry if my answer makes you feel sad, but I have seen this kind of thing happen to lots and lots of people and the conclusion and reasoning is often the same.
Accept that YOU cannot mend this right now, only do for yourself and focus on yourself...allow him the space he needs without being a bee in his ear.
The love he has for you does mean something, surely it does, but right now he can't put the love for you above the love and want he has for himself at this time.
There is an old saying 'If you love someone, let them go...If they come back to you, they are your's eternally'
Hugs xx
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 November 2012):
 From the "sound" of your submittal, I'd say that you are successfully approaching adulthood....and your B/F is struggling with puberty....
Theres's nothing WRONG with such a struggle.... However, if you want the relationship between the two of you to be an ADULT relationship, then you will have to be patient until he catches up with you....
Good luck....
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