A
female
age
30-35,
*ervy
writes:Hi Aunts,I was talking to my boyfriend of 2 and a bit years about a problem I was having with my Dad. He said he didn't want to talk about it, and it took me a while to work out why. First I thought it was something I had done, but I managed to find out it was because it reminded him of what his ex-girlfriend used to do (don't really know, I guess she had problems with her dad too). He said I can talk to him about my mum, my brother, whatever, but just not my dad.I feel like this is unfair, like I should be able to talk to him about anything I feel I need to. He feels like I should respect his wishes, but I feel like I'm a different person to his ex, and I shouldn't have to suffer her consequences. Am I wrong for wanting this? Any suggestions?
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female
reader, mervy +, writes (24 December 2011):
mervy is verified as being by the original poster of the question You guys are seriously the best - thank you so much!
I did talk to him about it, even pretty much word for word used the help you gave me, and it looks like we're on our way to working it out. Thankyou so much YouWish especially for your detailed answer.
xx
mervy.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 December 2011):
 That's just it. If you go carefully and timidly and are nervous about standing up for yourself in this area, that means that you don't believe that you deserve to have an ex-free relationship.
Yes, you can love him. Yes, you can tell him without emasculating him or flaying him alive, but if this is a subject dear to you, as it sounds like since his stifling you in the name of his ex really hurt you, you must make the stand.
Tell him that when you talk to him about your dad or anyone else, that you don't need him to "do" anything. Tell him that giving you his ear is exactly the medicine you need to help you in your situation.
It's not cool to pass off stuff like this by saying "Go talk to someone else about this" because that shows the opposite of love. This means he only wants the good, but not the bad. He wants the pleasure, but not to be there for you through the trying times. I *know* he'd hate it if you refused sex with him because it reminded you of having sex with your ex. He's have a ballistic meltdown! (Note: I'm not advocating withholding sex as a bargaining tool...just making a point of the importance you place on his being there for you emotionally).
Do NOT respect his wishes. He's injected his ex into your relationship, and that absolutely cannot stand. After 2 years, this is not even remotely acceptable. It sounds like you weren't harping about your dad through the entire relationship, but merely asking for a shoulder for a problem you had. He should be there, and to pull an "ex" is not cool at all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 December 2011):
 oh well then what you start the vent with is "honey I don't need or want you to fix this... it's a girl thing I just want to whine and rant about it and all you need to do is LISTEN to me... nod occasionally and maybe go uh-huh now and then"
Men always want to FIX things and they do not just 'vent' like women do... maybe he feels helpless and that's why he does not want to hear it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 December 2011):
No, I don't think you're wrong. If you're having issues with your dad, you should be able to speak with him about it--you're not his ex. It's pretty rude and selfish of him to not want to hear your problems because it reminds him of his ex. He needs to get over it and grow up.
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A
female
reader, mervy +, writes (23 December 2011):
mervy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunts,
I know he will get in a stir if I bring this up again, for the moment I've said that I will respect his wishes though. I think he thinks that I should talk about this stuff to other people, and not him. He always says that he 'doesn't know what to do about the situation', and no matter how many times I tell him I don't want him to do anything, I just want him to listen, it doesn't help.
I'll try and broach the subject very carefully, thank you all for your fantastic advice.
mervy.
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A
female
reader, bluecow  +, writes (23 December 2011):
 absoloutly he is being unfair and unreasonable. YOU are NOT his EX.
You have every right to express your worries with your partner, and he should be understanding and supportive.
To be honest this is a red flag to me, and I would be asking more questions about WHY he feels it so necessary to put conditions on what you can or cannot talk to him about.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 December 2011):
You are correct that you should be able to talk to your partner about anything. He is being unfair and childish. Have you told him how you feel?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 December 2011):
You're absolutely right. I say this a lot, but you absolutely must not and must never "compensate" for something done by an ex. This is a tactic used to manipulate you, and if he's having problems with you opening up to him in any way due to it reminding him of his ex, then that simply means he's not over his ex.
You must calmly tell him that his baggage and hangups over his ex are hurting your current relationship. Tell him that any censorship or restrictions of topics placed on you are absolutely unacceptable. He must love you for you. If memories of his ex interfere so as to stop you from opening up about a subject important to you, then he's not ready for another relations.
In short, he needs to get over it. He's been with you over 2 years and still has ex issues? He should grow up.
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