A
female
age
36-40,
*ombielioness
writes:Okay, if this is weird or I'm being irrational, please let me know. My boyfriend and I have been dating each other for four years and have been living together for roughly 3 1/2 years. (Yes, we took things a little fast, but it worked out.) We usually get along swimmingly and there isn't much we don't do together. I can't say we haven't had rough patches, but we manage.We have separate PW protected desktops on the same computer. He's always been kind of funny about passwords so I didn't let it get to me, but recently I needed to log on to his desktop and he gave me his password, which coincidentally is his password to EVERYTHING! Like facebook, etc. For a while he was okay with me knowing his password and even let me log in to his facebook every now and then to check on his facebook games. I never once looked at or read anything that wasn't any of my business.Recently I tried to log in to his facebook account and discovered that he had changed his password. Later that day I tried to log on to his desktop to look at Netflix (on his desktop it logs in to Netflix automatically and ironically it's one of the few places he doesn't have his universal password). The password was changed on his desktop too. It upset me so much that I went and changed my desktop, facebook and e-mail passwords, because he knew them.His sudden change of all his passwords has gotten me paranoid that he's trying to hide something from me. Like maybe another girl or something? But he isn't acting any differently. He's still the same. It's just odd, because he seemed okay with me knowing his password to everything.I want to confront him about it, but it would just cause a fight, no matter how nice I tried to be about it. But I'm not sure if I should just sit back and push it under the rug either. Any suggestions or tips? Am I just being too...girlfriend-ish about this? Should I just let it go?
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female
reader, mediocreland +, writes (4 December 2009):
Like some previous posters have said, he deserves a little personal space. Just because he changed the passwords doesn't mean he's cheating or something.
It's kind of like how I don't like my boyfriend looking through my phone because usually my mother has something rude to say about him, or I'm talking about our relationship with a friend. It's nothing horrible, but it would be awkward if he found a text talking about him.
You should have a dicussion on why he changed his password if it's really bothering you. Pinktopaz has a good guideline for that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): By the way, the way you create space in a relationship is by creating emotional space, not withholding of personal information. It is understanding that sometimes your moods will conflict with each other and it is giving the person what they need at that time, either less attention or more attention, it is a relationship dance. Email passwords really don't have much to do with that and people make a poor choice when they choose to enter into a power struggle with their partner by withholding any part of themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): I think the two of you have been dating years which is long enough for him to allow you to have passwords if you really need them, or to hear his voice mails or even read his texts, I think he would be annoyed if you acted as if you didn't trust him and were constantly checking up after having this information, but I see no reason why you can't have access to his personal business.
The fact that he is not doing this means he may may not be thinking of making your relationship long term, he really isn't fully committed to your relationship, it may not even cross his mind to make this a marriage, he is happy with the things just plodding along year after year after all, what does he have to motivate him to get married?
He is getting it all for free, from you. I believe that in a mature relationship a person who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. How can you build a life together if you don't have full disclosure, that is how trust is earned and built, not keeping little compartments of your life a secret. It breeds resentment, contempt and insecurity, or it can if you feel he is withholding information from you.
I don't think you should sweep this conflict under the rug. This is how you genuinely feel about it and just because a lot of people believe they have a right to their privacy, it could be that these same people have something they do not really want to be forthcoming about or they are not in a committed relationship themselves and just don't get it.
Start a dialogue about it, don't start accusing him of doing something untoward, but tell him that you believe that an honest mature healthy relationship involves full disclosure, you are a team, you are building a life with common goals, if you are not, then you have nothing except a steady date on Saturday night.
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A
female
reader, 2boysmom +, writes (3 December 2009):
I think you need to respect his needs for personal space.
I've been married for a while, and I don't care to know my DH's passwords. He deserves something to call his own, and so do I. If he's going to cheat, there are a million ways he can create secret accounts and passwords.
Give him a little leash.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (3 December 2009):
Yes, I think you're being a little irrational about it. I was on the opposite end of this once with a boyfriend I lived with. He would just give me his passwords to look up stuff for him, but I would never randomly check up on any of his stuff just because. However, I was the one that didn't want him to know my passwords. I let him know the passwords on some things that involved both of us (like our joint bank account that I mainly took care of) but the rest of it, I was just not comfortable about it. It wasn't because of other guys, it was because I have personal conversations with other people and they may have been about him or how the relationship is going! That's not really any of his business.
My guess is that he probably felt that you were starting to invade his privacy by logging on so frequently so he changed the passwords. Not because he's trying to hide another woman from you, but some things people just want kept private. If he's not giving you any other reason besides that to believe he could be cheating then I would leave it alone. If you feel that you really need to bring it up to him, just ask him. Say, "I tried to log onto Netflix (or whatever) the other day and I couldn't log on. I'm just curious if I was making you uncomfortable by logging into all of your accounts or if it's for any other reason?" Whatever his reasoning is, you'll just have to respect his decision and privacy, unless of course it's because of another woman which I highly doubt.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Well, here is my take on your situation. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a bit more than five years. Will I give her my passwords? Simple answer, no. Will she give me hers? I honestly do not know because I have not asked, but I don't care. Although I have nothing to hide, I simply see it as a part of my privacy. The last thing I need is someone else going through my accounts. Moreover, she is my girlfriend, not my wife, not my fiance. What would happen if we had a sudden fallout and she decided to be evil by accessing my personal accounts and such? What would happen if she decided to access my accounts in public locations and someone else managed to obtain my password? I couldn't tell you, but I bet it wouldn't be pretty.
So, why don't I care about not having access to her accounts? Well, it comes down to trust. If a relationship does not have trust, then you really don't have a relationship at all in my opinion. Similarly, that is why I do not share my passwords (aside from the issue of security risks). If there is ever some legitimate concern, I would much rather log in the account for her and then let her look around or do what she needed to do. Other than that, the only way she will gain access to that information is if she becomes my wife.
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