A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, been together for 10 months now. It's been around 3 and a half months now since we were last together in person. I miss him tremendously, and I know he misses me too. However, the first 2 months we were apart after our last meeting, he showed no interest in being intimate with me. With intimate I mean having private and sometimes erotic conversations. He would call me less on skype, and be less on webcam, even though he had only recently figured out how to make it work on his computer, he rarely turned it on. I tried to hint to him that I wanted more of these things, which made him upset because he felt he failed me and wasn't a good boyfriend. He promised he'd start back up again with doing these little things. Another month passed. He got better at e-mailing me. We agreed to e-mail at least once a day on the days we don't meet. I always held my part of the deal, he however, didn't. When I brought it up to him that his e-mails went missing some days, he got upset at me again for picking on the "few" times this happened. Few as in compared to all other times he does e-mail. I even ended up in an argument with him over why he wouldn't call me no more, and he tried to blame that on me, when in fact we had an agreement that he'd call me when he could. I live on my own and when we meet I am always available for a call on skype. He however has a room-mate and won't call me when the roomie is in. Btw is this weird? That he won't call when his roomie is there? If I was there in person I don't think we'd stop talking just because his roomie was in the room, it's not like we talk dirty or particularly private either.Anyway. He promised me he'd send me pictures of him and the area around, to make me feel that I am closer. We used to send each other pictures from our daily life. He's got a camera on his cell phone, so there's no excuse there. Yet, I ended up fighting with him again because I never got any pictures. I kept sending him lots of pictures, sometimes every week, or every other day, or just snap a photo while talking to him and sending it to him on the days we didn't go on cam. Again he got upset because he felt he didn't please me. I am tired of making him upset. I asked him if Im expecting too much, and he said no. I think I am expecting much, but I miss him, and I don't get why it's so difficult for him to do the things that are so easy for me. An e-mail before bedtime. A random picture. Calling when you can... Why is it so hard for him? And why does he get so upset about it, doesn't he realize himself that I will ask for these things when he's promised me them? He finally got around to taking a picture for me, but he never sent it to me. And I was so tired already from asking and asking and asking that I didn't say anything, and so he didn't send it. The last time this came up however, I brought it up and at last I got one picture. That was after 2 and a half months. Now we're kinda in a ditch at the moment. I told him not to promise me e-mails, just send them when he can, because when he promises me he'll send them and they don't arrive, I let that affect my day. I get sad when I don't get attention from him. Today I didn't get any e-mail at all. I feel like e-mailing him, because I want to, but I feel... should I not? Should I rather give him a taste of his own medicine and not send e-mails unless he e-mails me, not send pictures unless he sends pictures to me? It's a tit-for-tat if that happens, but Im not sure how to deal with this. I feel like I give and give and get little in return.How can I talk to him about this without upsetting him so much that he'll start crying again? I'd rather not say anything, but it's eating away at me and I feel lonely. Being far away is hard enough. We just had our birthdays, they are really close. I know I can't blame him too much, but his gift for me didn't arrive in the mail yet. Mine to him arrived several days before his birthday, but his gift has yet to arrive, and it's been 5 days since my birthday. He confessed to me that he hadn't even gift wrapped it. I know I can blame the post-offices for not getting the gift here fast enough, but I also feel as if Im being forgotten about. Not getting a gift for my actual birthday, he could have sent the gift earlier to make sure I got it... He could have taken the time to gift wrap it couldn't he?If I really am TOO needy, how do I deal with this? How much can I really expect?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Thank you for your replies. I do try to have real conversations with him as often as possible, but he wasn't good at calling me. It's like he started to forget. And bringing up the things I need and want from him to be able to keep this relationship running happily for my part, he gets so hurt. Like I am blaming him, or making him out to be a bad guy. He says he's trying his best, and if he is, then his best isn't good enough?
I will try to talk to him again about this, even though we've had this talk so many times over the last month. Before he'd also send me offline messages after our conversations, telling me lots of sweet things and his thoughts, and it was always so nice logging on in the morning (we have a 6 hour time zone difference) and read what he wrote. The one e-mail a day was so that I'd have something from him to read in the morning on the days we don't get to talk. When they don't arrive I get upset. He's got excuses ready: he lost his phone, he saved the e-mail as draft, he forgot about it, he didn't get time... And yes I believe him, but it still doesn't make my disappointment any less.
Oh I've ranted enough. Thank you for listening though!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2009): Similarly, I am in a long distance relationship as well. However, I have been in one for the past five years, though we have been able to spend summers and most holidays together. To give you a sense of what my girlfriend and I do to maintain our relationship, I will share some of our activities. First and foremost, we really try to talk over the telephone every day at the same time in the evening. There are times, however, such as weekends when she is busy with family, that we are unable to talk as much during the evening (so sometimes we talk a bit during the day, other times we simply talk less). We don't send emails because we feel as if they are rather impersonal. Instead, we send a written letter through the mail once a week. There are also times we just give each other random 'miss you' calls. With respect to gifts and such, we usually save them until we are both together, so we may receive them either before or after the day in question (for us, both of our birthdays are days apart as well).
Anyways, it sounds to me like you are doing all you can to retain your long distance relationship, so I give you a lot of credit. However, do not be discouraged if he cannot keep up with all of your requests. I would not say that you are demanding by any means, you just want to be reassured that he loves you. The question comes down to this: do you feel this affection by the things he does do? Do you feel as if you are doing enough to maintain a long distance relationship? If you honestly think more is needed, let him know. Should you feel it is necessary to take this route, you may find it beneficial to write a letter or email to convey this information so you can convey it all at once without the fear of being cut off of being spun off as the bad guy. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 December 2009):
Sweetie, he's broken three promises according to your post. That's a good enough reason to not bother with him. He's a guy who talks the talk, but does not walk the walk. If he really cared, you would know about it. He's not even bothered about your birthday! Long distance relationships take a lot of work, and you both need to be 110 percent committed. He's not. Don't bother with tit-for-tat, it's a waste of time. Instead, dump this guy, and find someone who will respect you and love you, and actually care about you. Don't waste time on a man who doesn't show you he loves you. Ever. You can find a better guy who is committed.
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