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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My bf was at a lunch at a client today and then they went to a hotel bar with the guys for drinks. He hardly contacted me during the lunch nor told me they were going to a bar afterwards. I had to contact him and ask him what he was up to because he was not in touch most of that time and I was wondering what he was up to. I am SO pissed at him I want to leave him over this. I feel like he was not even thinking about me or my feelings. Am I right? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Honestly why did you stay with him if you cannot trust him any more? Surely the relationship is not worth this misery every time he goes out. Honestly yes he was wrong for cheating but you forgave him, that means you don't question everything he does and turn in to the super obsessive and clingy girlfriend, I don't know how he can breathe. Do both yourselves a favor and leave him.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (26 March 2017):
 While I can understand why you were peeved at him (given the previous history), you cannot live life like this. It doesn't sound like either of you is happy at the moment - you because you don't trust him and him because he has to report in to you all the time.
You either need to get your relationship back on some sort of even footing or you need to split up. If you can't move past what he did, do you want to live for years to come wondering what he is up to every moment he is not with you? It will drive you CRAZY. Don't go there. Either get help to move past what he did, or get out of this relationship.
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A
male
reader, isiac  +, writes (26 March 2017):
 Just don't get angry,because,if you do,he won't look at your side again,
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 March 2017):
 well if you think he's going to cheat again you're on a long, slippery slope.
You can't live thinking he's going to cheat. Either suck it up or go ahead with the break up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 If you feel like you HAVE to monitor him for him to be a faithful partner - then trust is gone and whatever you have is crumbling.
YOU need to not act like a kid here. The whole "silent treatment" is childish.
WHY not USE your words and tell him, I would REALLY appreciate if you let me know if plans change. It only takes 30 seconds to text you, going CXY with friends for a drink not sure when I'll be home. Or I'll be home around XX. But he also NEED to have the FREEDOM to LIVE his life without having to text you a play by play. Don't you think?
Did you have plans WITH him after work or was it just another Friday? If it was just another Friday then WHY does he need to report to you? Do you understand that by micromanaging him (which you seemingly are) you CAN NOT prevent him from cheating if he SO desires.
You BOTH need to act like adults and find a compromise that works for the two of you.
You "working" through his infidelity doesn't mean you now have every right to control or know his every move. YOU made the choice to STAY with him AFTER he cheated. How you two rebuild trust needs to be a combined effort not just you monitoring his every move. IF you are SO scared he will cheat again, then WHY be with him? It obviously makes you feel like it's YOUR responsibility to keep him on the straight and narrow - it's NOT.
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A
male
reader, VitaminZ +, writes (25 March 2017):
You don't trust him because he cheated on you. That's understandable. And you're acting weird because you don't trust him. Also understandable. If you want your relationship to survive, you should at least take his calls instead of pushing him away. If you don't trust him, and you won't communicate with him, I don't see how the relationship can survive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): I personally can't stand when women try to see what their SO is up to when they go out. Why does he need to give you a play by play? Just trust that he's out having fun and trust that hes not cheating until he gives you a legitimate reason that he is. As far as safety goes, calm down and stop being paranoid because he was gone longer than he said he would. Dont be one of those gfs who monitor his every move. Give him SPACE AND FREEDOM! Be a lover, not a mom, not a fucking CIA representative and have him report back to you all the time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): It sounds to me as if the damage created by his previous infidelity has been done. I think your trust is SO shot, that there doesn't seem to be much coming back from this. When I first read your post I couldn't believe how you expect him to contact you all the time as if you are his prison officer, but since learning that he's betrayed your trust before, now I understand. The thing is when you have no trust left and your partner behaves in a way that is unusual it stands out a mile. And feels terrible. Your mind runs riot and to protect yourself, you shut down, just as you have by not wanting to talk to him.Unless he consistently texts and calls you and gives you 100% transparency then you are never going to be happy with this relationship and if your feelings are teetering on the brink of whether or not he will text you enough today to make you feel secure, then this relationship may not be worth all the hardship. He has done wrong, but does this mean he can never have a free hour from you? I'm not criticising you because I'm pretty sure I would feel the same way that you do right now, but I'm just thinking how viable this whole arrangement is. It doesn't sound like much fun for either of you. On the bright side, it sounds as if he really cares whether you're ok or not and wants things to be ok between you again. The only solution I can think of is attend counselling together. You may gain a greater insight of just how much you mean to him, that you wouldn't otherwise and this may of course, help.Good luck with it because my heart goes out to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Op here.
He goes to the client every Friday. Never stays past 5. Yesterday he was there til 730 and then they went for drinks at a hotel for a couple of hours on top of that. Then he went home.
It is unusual for this to happen. It has never happened before. One time he stayed "late" at the same client til 7 because he said he helped them move to another office. Yes, they did move their office.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Op again.
ps. he has tried to contact me today many times but I am cold and distant. I don't want to talk to him.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (25 March 2017):
No, massively over reacting.
This is to do with HIS JOB. Maybe if he was out with his friends at a strip club you would have a case.
The fact that you're willing to leave him over this makes you sound like a child yet you're in the 36-40 age category. I think you need to grow up personally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Hello, Op here.
I neglected to mention that he cheated on me once before. We worked through it. In large part, thanks to his mother of all people. But now every time he goes some place, I think he could use it as a smoke screen for bad behaviour. A meeting and then drinks with clients could wreak of bad behaviour and his clients is near the airport, surrounded by hotels. ps. the bar they were at was located in a hotel!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2017):
OP,
IT WAS A BUSINESS LUNCH! Sorry I had to put on caps because you seem to not understand the concept. He is having a business lunch with CLIENTS - which means he isn't THERE to text r chat with you over the phone.
If there had been an emergency you should have called him.
You are in the age group 36-40 so WAY too old to act like a clingy teenager. You are also OLD enough to remember how things were BEFORE cell phones and texting.
If you knew ahead of time he was "entertaining" a client you need to grow a set and RESPECT that he is working and may not have time to CONSTANTLY contact you.
No, he PROBABLY wasn't thinking of you, HE was thinking about work and how to make the client happy and secure a contract or rework a contract, you know? ... WORKING.
As for going out with the guys after - DOES he need to report to you with his every move? IS that an agreement you have? I give you that GRANTED he could let you know he wasn't coming home for dinner (if you live together) but are you his parole officer who need an itemized itinerary of his every move every day?
Have you considered he didn't tell you on purpose? Because he is TIRED of being monitored?
Where is your common sense OP?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 No.
" He hardly contacted me during lunch " means that he did contact you a little bit,- and this would be already seen as rude and unprofessional in many business/professional contexts, and by many clients.
As a matter of fact, whipping out your your cell and firing out volleys of text messages to your SO while you are having lunch with other people in general, is anyway very inconsiderate . But if you are with family / close friends , you probably can get away with it.
If you are with business contacts, you'll look like a total amateur .
As for wondering what he was up to, because he did not inform you punctually of all his moves during the day- is he supposed to ?
Why would you be wondering what he is up to when he is at work ?? when he is at work, he is working ( and yes, that may occasionally include a drink with clients or even an AFTER work drink with collegues. That should be all par for the course ), - why does he need to report to base - particularly during work hours ?
If this pisses you off SO much that you want to leave hom over this , that's up to you, everybody has got their own pet peeves and personal dealbreakers. Don't be horribly shocked though if he should take the announcement of your break with a " Wheew " of relief....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 If your boyfriend's income, whether he owns a business or is an employee or contractor, depends on him taking clients to lunch, or to a bar, then he is effectively working and private phone calls could, in the vast majority of cases, be deemed inappropriate. If the meeting with the client was being held in an office situation you wouldn't expect him to stop the meeting, saying I just need to get my girlfriend in so I can tell her I love her would you, so why would you expect him to interrupt a meeting with a client that was being held over lunch?
What feelings of yours should he have been thinking about? He was AT WORK!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 March 2017):
If your boyfriend's income, whether he owns a business or is an employee or contractor, depends on him taking clients to lunch, or to a bar, then he is effectively working and private phone calls could, in the vast majority of cases, be deemed inappropriate. If the meeting with the client was being held in an office situation you wouldn't expect him to stop the meeting, saying I just need to get my girlfriend in so I can tell her I love her would you, so why would you expect him to interrupt a meeting with a client that was being held over lunch?
What feelings of yours should he have been thinking about? He was AT WORK!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): Reading your question as is written, I am going to say 'so what?' He's an adult, doing adult things and made an adult decision. Sometimes it's impossible to communicate every single decision in life and even unnecessary. If this is something he hardly ever does, then you have no need to be annoyed and it doesn't mean he's being selfish- even so, what's wrong with thinking about yourself from time totime? Just tell him that you appreciate being kept a little more informed.That's what I would say in response to what you have written. Is there more to this situation? For example, where promises made between you before he went to meet the clients that he broke? Do you suspect him of being up to no good? Do you not like him to go out with friends/colleauges? Do you emand to know where he is 24/7 and this was an escape for him?It would be very easy to make accusations and point blame to either of in this situation. Instead- why are you so annoyed with him? What are the underlying reasons for that? What did he have to say about the event?
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