A
male
age
36-40,
*relude88
writes:This has been eating away at me for way too long! I feel like my wife never thinks about me. More times than I probably should I go out of my way and above and beyond for my wife. For Christmas, she was saying that she wanted a specific makeup. I went out to the store had a lady help me revamp her whole makeup collection and spent way too much damn money. Then I got her a stocking filled with little nic naks that she loved. For her birthday I surprised her by taking the day off and sending her away in the day time to a nice spa and I took care of the kids, set up a nice dinner with our whole family and made her cake from scratch while decorating the whole house. Now for me on Christmas, I told her not to get me anything but she insisted. I told her anything but clothes..... come Christmas what do I get? Clothes. I already knew it as she told me when she was at the mall with her sister that she's going to get my Christmas gifts.... and I reminded her nicely please no clothes babe anything but clothes... so I was already pissed opening my gifts. My brother came from out of town with his girlfriend and Christmas morning came and everyone was exchanging gifts and stockings and I was the only one without one. It made me feel forgotten on top of getting what I asked not to get me. Fast forward to my birthday which is 15 days after hers and I come home from work and we have pizza for dinner. Go to open presents and she gets me a cup and a video game.... I don't play video games... I was really hoping for a nice surprise seeing how I explained to her how shitty I felt about Christmas. Even when I'm at the store and I see something she might like I get it for her. She's always greatfull for me getting the little I'm thinking of you things and I always tell her that it's because everyone like getting little unexpected surprises every once in a while. As a little hint to say hey maybe you should do this some time. But never. I always have to wake her to get me something from the store that she thinks I'd like. Am I expecting too much?
View related questions:
christmas, money, video games Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 April 2017):
 I think if you want something for Christmas or your birthday then TELL her. She told you she wanted make up, you told her no clothes. I know my other half is really hard to buy for, I have gotten surprises before ones he has not appreciated because I spent to much money or he wouldn't have chosen them himself. Your wife genuinely might not know what to buy you, so give her some hints or clues. You could say to her you would love x and y. Or even a meal or a night away. She is not a mind reader.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2017): I would say your wife loves you but is taking you for granted Its no so much her fault as yours She has come to expect your special trays
I would suggest that you don't give up altogether giving her special surprises and trays but not quite so often Then when you do spoil her it will come as an unexpected to surprise and not expected and taken for granted
...............................
A
female
reader, mad stacey  +, writes (25 March 2017):
If you have kids (or not) tell your wife you want each other to write a list for 'santa' and then swap its fun and gives a clear indication of what you want ,you don't have to get everything on the list
...............................
A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (25 March 2017):
My honest truth you do too much. Draw back a little and get her stuff you'd love this Christmas and see what she says . She not listening to you because you spoil her and she not bothered so she keeps doing it .
Sorry to say people who care about others go out their way to make an effort, and find out what they do want .. it's not up to you to tell her .. it up to her to make the effort to find out .. what do you like ?? If you could have x y z what would be your favourite thing etc . I do my intelligence work throughout the tea not just near the day .. she not lazy .. just thoughtless and tad selfish . So wake her up a bit.
...............................
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (25 March 2017):
 I don't think she's lazy, just maybe not as good as you at imagining what someone else might like. (That, or as female anon suggested, she's a better actress and never acts ungrateful even if you get her something she doesn't actually care for or wouldn't have chosen for herself.)
A couple things stood out to me about your post:
1) If you ARE secretly expecting a Christmas gift with a lot of thought put into it, please don't tell the would-be giver that you don't want anything. That just sets the person (in this case, your wife) up for failure. If she had followed your instructions and actually gotten you nothing, I imagine your post would be something like "I did all this for her and she didn't do ANYTHING for me," when in reality nothing was exactly what you had asked for.
2) Whatever you said to her after Christmas about your dissatisfaction with the clothes she picked, she obviously did take it to heart and try to get you something different than clothes for your birthday. You still didn't prefer what she got you (a video game) but it's NOT because she didn't try to come up with something different than what she got you last time.
3) You mention buying her things that she *mentions* liking or being interested in. Are you dropping those same hints to her about specific items or types of items, or are you just saying that you like to be surprised and then expecting her to read your mind from there? Because in that case you are asking MORE of her than what you are doing for her. Picking gifts for someone else with nothing to go on can be stressful, especially if that person isn't wanting for/lacking anything essential and you know they're going to be critical of whatever you pick out.
Try doing what she does and actively pointing out things that catch your eye, and see if the hints help her to be more successful in choosing gifts for you. Better yet, the next time she asks what you'd like for Christmas, take away the guesswork and TELL her instead of saying you don't want anything.
A side note: I'd find it nothing short of rude if someone told me to give them "anything but" something, whatever that something might be, so please be mindful of how your suggestions come across.
Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 March 2017):
 From what you've described I imagine your wife was very happy with what you did for her Christmas and her birthday.
What I noticed in your post though, is that while your wife was specific about what she wanted you were specific about what you DIDN'T want (but got it anyway).
When you buy groceries, you don't bring with you a list of all the things you don't want.
Perhaps you could draft a list of specific things you'd like your wife to get or to do for you, in plenty of time before the next big day. Understand that she may not have quite the same flare you seem to have and adjust your expectations accordingly. Clothes may be the safest fall back plan for her if she's not sure what else you'd like. There are plenty of things I'd like in my life, but I wouldn't necessarily want them gift wrapped on Christmas.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): This is scarcely a problem..its more of a gripe.Kiddies hold this kind of grudge.Years later parents learn that they gave the wrong kind of gift and the recipient had to fake joy or hide disappointment!However as an adult it just doesnt count as a problem.You have a bank balance and a credit card so get shopping!No one knows quite like you do what it is that you want.You no longer remain like a child wondering if you will get what you want.You treat yourself to it!Its quite possibly that wifey wasnt as uber thrilled as she leads you to believe.A confidential conversation with favourite girly friend could go like this:"And Badboy treated me to a spar for my birthday..bless him..he forgot to take blessed one to dancing and blessed two to football..he decorated the whole goddam house while I was out so much so that I thought I was in another house entirely and he literally pounded it in to me that Im getting older!You know that entire makeup set he paid for..I only said I liked the colour of the blusher and it turns out I'm allergic to it!And then he wants a full face on ..it makes me itch ..so I always keep a face wipe handy and to tell you the truth I keep my old makeup kit at work and just wipe and reapply when I get there.Bless him, he has no idea but he has a shirt that makes him itch so I got him a new one for xmas but he didnt take the hint!He just flashes his card and expects the world to fall into place.He's not a bad man, bless him, he just is like a closed book sometimes..and if I had dared to tell him he got the wrong shade of makeup for me , well , he wouldve hit the roof , so I just wear it to keep the peace !To this day, he still has no idea!"
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2017): I think the first thing that should be discussed is what seems to be your expectations of reciprocation. Don't get me wrong, we all have it to some degree, but the way you speak makes it seems that you really expect her to do/buy nice things for you just because you're buying nice things for her. It shouldn't be that way- if you want to do something nice, then it should be a one way transaction, if you get what I mean.
But, anyone would hope that your partner would want to do nice things for you in a selfless way, too. When it comes to acts of selflessness, we're all different so I would like to say that your girlfriend isn't someone who does it that often. However. The fact that she is ignoring your very strong hints says to me that she is being a little selfish. It sounds to me she's the kind of person that is used to and very comfortable being a reciever and has never thought to try giving.
Both elements of your characters that I have mentioned here are things that can either be just a simple difference and easily worked around or can be major personality flaws that will destroy a relationship. You should probably have a good long talk together to understand these differences, and the differences between you both, some more.
...............................
|
