A
female
age
51-59,
*apricorn7
writes:My partner of 18 mths (whom had discussed marriage with me ) and I broke up a few weeks ago due to his level of contact with his ex , by his own admittance, his best and only friend aside from me .They have been totally committed to each other for the last ten years since their break up and are in contact almost daily - (no kids involved). I am devastated as we had planned a future together but always felt uncomfortable with the situation, it was making me feel very unsettled within myself. She has a partner who seemed fine with it , my ex was still doing jobs round her house right up until we split. She despised me as she thought I was trying to destroy their friendship which I can assure you I wasn't but it created disharmony within our relationship, it was the only thing we ever argued about.We were both very much in love and I even went to counselling to help me get a different perspective on the uncomfortable situation.Recently my boyfriend and I decided to send her a card ( he read the words and approved it ) suggesting we start afresh and try and be friends she told my ex that ' I'd won ' ( I never realised it was a competition ) and that their friendship was over. My ex went round to 'repair ' their friendship and consequently destroyed ours by doing so ...... I'm so heartbroken although I instigated the break up as I felt he wasn't considering my feelings , only hers, and it caused me to hurt , daily . I felt I was fighting a battle with both of them as he always defended her and not me. Please if anyone can advise me how to move on I would be so grateful.
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broke up, ex girlfriend, heartbroken, his ex, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, cgrlygo  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Wow I hope things work out.....but I think walking away is the right thing to do.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Yep I totally agree with KC, HoneyPie and Aunty Em...
in the long run you only lost 18 months... he is too tied to a woman he has no reason to be tied to.
To be honest, my kids are now grown and I have little to NO contact with their dad.... nor do I have any contact with any former husbands... just NOT needed.
they have to me a very unhealthy relationship... and he made his choice.... better now than after you married...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): I have been in a similar situation to you. My husband had a female friend who he cared about deeply and had known for years. Before we were married she used to ring 2/3 times a week but when she found out we were getting married it started to be every day. I did not trust her and I did feel there was more to it then just friendship as they had lived together for a while and this lady turned to my husband for everything, advice, physical help the lot even though she had a boyfriend, father and brothers. He was very protective of her which used to also make me feel very insecure and jealous.I explained to my husband that this too close friendship had to stop and he assured me it would. So we get married and after only one week he is back on the phone to her. We get over that then months forward I look at his phone and she is messaging and facebooking him. I could not accept this and we are no longer together. In essence the same as you he chose friendship with another over me.What has happened for you is the best result. You made the right decision. Otherwise you are going to end up second fiddle to this woman for ever. I remember begging my husband to stop communicating with this woman and he just wouldn't - it just carried on behind my back. Please don't pine for this man he was never yours just like mine was never mine. Find a nice chap who will put you and only you first. This woman is never going to go away and if you had stayed you would have been pushed further and further back and he would have sided with her against you and that is an intolerable way to live. The woman clearly wanted him all for herself and had no intention of anyone usurping her position. Believe me you are well out.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 September 2012):
 Fantastic answers from KC and honey xxx
I agree, you have been the unwitting participant in a relationship that is far from over. I totally agree with the co dependant thing too...she does not want anyone else to have him and knows which bell to ring to get him running to her...you, my darling are best off out of the whole thing. It's bugged and plagued you thusfar and it was bound to end in heartbreak because they are both playing with other people's lives whilst maintaining the so called 'friendship'
This is devestating for you and hard to recover from, but not impossible. The fact that he let you go over her speaks volumns and as upsetting as it is, I feel, if you guys had gotten married, the ex would have remained firmly entrenched in his life...and that is absolutely intolerable.
Her partner must be blind deaf or stupid to put up with the 'friend' coming over to do stuff...sounds like she doesn't have that much of a catch so no wonder she's clinging to your BF.
I think you have done the best thing in quitting and even though it's hard to see now...in time you will realise that you never really had a choice...it was a forgone conclusion.
Hugs and lots of sympathy to you, keep your head up
xxxxxx
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A
female
reader, capricorn7 +, writes (14 September 2012):
capricorn7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much for taking the time to respond ....
..... all my friends think I will breathe a sigh of relief eventually , given the situation, but to hear a response from a complete outsider has helped me considerably ..... I realise it will take time to heal and that it will be unlikely I will ever have to face this situation again in my search of hoping to meet a life partner.. Many, many thanks to you again...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2012):
 I'm sorry it didn't work out. I think there is a fine line between being friends with an EX and crossing over to something more co-dependent.
I'm not a big fan of people needing to hold on to exes, specially if there are no kids. But I don't believe in dictating who my partner can talk to and how often, I guess it comes down to why the need is there. I think two people who spend 10 years of their life together have a lot of shared memories which is nice and all but not very constructive for new relationships.
How do you get past it? You have to hold on to the fact that you felt you had no other option. HIS friendship to his ex does seem like it was more important then his relationship with you. I certainly would NOT want to be put second after an ex.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 September 2012):
 This wasnt a normal 'friendly' relationship between ex's, so I think in the long run you are best off out of it. If they had children then it would have been understandable to try and keep a friendship, but with no kids there is no reason to be in contact daily and still pretending to be in a semi-relationship together. If she has a partner who is ok with this he is a mug - he should be the one doing jobs round her house, not her ex!
The fact that she despised you shows that the ex wasnt over him, clearly she didnt want any other woman to have him, she wanted him all for herself. The whole 'ruining their friendship' thing was just a cover-up, what she really meant was that she didnt like you because you were going to take her man away from her.
Obviously there are a lot of unresolved feelings left between the two of them, yes they were together a long time but it is not healthy to see each other and talk to each other after a break up. It is almost like delaying the break up, delaying the healing process that all couples need once the relationship ends. They are in some weird grey area between being together, and being apart. They have their own seperate lives, yet cant seem to leave each other alone to get on with those lives.
It is going to be hard for you for a very long time, so dont expect to move on any time soon. Hurting is a natural part of the healing process, you are going to feel pretty crappy for some time to come I'm afraid. But dont beat yourself up for hurting over him, you need to allow yourself to grieve for this relationship and take as much time as you need to get over him.
Try and re-build your life as a single person again. Rediscover some old hobbies you have stopped, or try some new hobbies that you have always wanted to try. Spend lots of time with family and friends, keep yourself as busy as you can. Maybe look into volunteering, that is a really rewarding way of spending your time.
There is no magic recipe to help you move on I'm afraid, you had a bad break up and its not going to be a quick process to move on from him when you were so serious about him. Just remember it takes time, and it isnt going to be quick so dont beat yourself up for feeling a bit depressed for a while. Cry if you need to, scream if you need to - let all of your emotions out, dont keep them bottled in. And make sure you have deleted all ways of contacting him, if you feel tempted to call him you probably will if you have his number still, so you need to delete any way you have of contacting him so in those weak moments you cant cave in and call him.
I'm very sorry this happened to you, but I think you have had a lucky escape from a pair of very messed up people that clearly havent resolved their ongoing feelings for each other. It is a good thing you got out of it now, before the relationship went any further.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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