A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24 and have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Our relationship was great until I knew he lied and cheat from me several times. That's about 2 years ago and since then I'm become a negative person and always worrying too much. However, I know and feel that he's changed better and he does it for me. He really feel guilty and want to make me happy and better our relationship. But I have become so pessimistic and negative that I ruined our relationship. I feel bad about that.He's always mature minded, realistic and loving person for me. Once when we argued about things and I give up on him, he said he planned to marry me soon and he's serious with me and been thinking ways to propose me that he discuss this with his friend. He plan it will be next year we are going to marry. About our family, mine was middle high class and he's was middle low. My parent run business and work 8 hour a day. Got many workers and we need not to use physic energy. While his parent run a bakery shop and their job need so much energy and work 12 hours a day. I don't think I can do it and so does his mom. His family lifestyle is way different from mine and we see things in a different way. That's also problem for us.My parent likes him especially my dad. Meanwhile I know they're a bit worry and sad about my future with him. Worry I can't handle his family business and sad I need to work hard my whole life. But they like him because he's hardworking, mature and treat me good.Should I be with him? How to make this situation better? Please share some opinion. Thanks for reading..
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 December 2013):
 There are two things in play here:
1. Your past. He cheated on you several times. It would be one thing if it were once or one woman that got out of hand, and he felt such horrific remorse that every action he took since then was to the bettering of your relationship. He cheated several times. A serial cheater typically only becomes better at hiding. Can you ever trust a serial cheater? You saying you're more negative and bitter means that you're a worse person with him than without him.
and
2. Your future. He is slated for the family business, and your job would become clear. You may not work in the family business, but could you handle long hours away from him 12 hours a day? It would get pretty lonely. He sounds like he's ready to take over as opposed to sell or go his own way. That is your future.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2013):
There are two things in play here:
1. Your past. He cheated on you several times. It would be one thing if it were once or one woman that got out of hand, and he felt such horrific remorse that every action he took since then was to the bettering of your relationship. He cheated several times. A serial cheater typically only becomes better at hiding. Can you ever trust a serial cheater? You saying you're more negative and bitter means that you're a worse person with him than without him.
and
2. Your future. He is slated for the family business, and your job would become clear. You may not work in the family business, but could you handle long hours away from him 12 hours a day? It would get pretty lonely. He sounds like he's ready to take over as opposed to sell or go his own way. That is your future.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Of course your parents are worried and you should be worried too. Not so much about the bakery- who says that you MUST work in the family business ? Is that a prerequisite for your marriage - will he only marry you if you accept to work in the bakery ? Why on earth ? Why could you not get your own job somewher else and pursue your own career ?... So if you marry a baket you need to become a baker ? ... If you marry a doctor, you need a medicine degree ? If you marry a policeman to need to learn to shoot a gun ? .... That's a weird way of reasoning ,in my eyes, and if you don't plan to join the family business , just tell it clear and simple, I am not planning to join your family business, I'll do something else. If he balks, then you know that he values you more as convenient , unpaid or low paid workforce ( for some reason I doubt that you'd figure on a regular payroll, with regular sick days, vacations, overtime, severance pay etc... ) than as hislove and life partner.
But, like I said, it's not really the bakery that worries me, it's the fact that you have found him cheating several times. Yes he says he's changed, he has shown some changes, but.. obviously not enough to regain your trust fully and to repair your relationship totally. Otherwise if you were totally over what happened,... you would not be even be writing this post. It's hard to rebuild trust, and , in the case of a serial cheater.. frankly it's a waste of time, leopards don't change their spots, they just become better at mimetize them. But, of course, I don't know your bf so I cannot exclude that he has sincerely repented and he's never going to cheat on you again. Only ,YOU don't feel that sure about that , hence your misgivings and hesitations..
All I can say is: do not make plans, do not set dates before he has proven himself more to your full satisfaction, in other words do not marry him until there still are trust issues . And if in a reasonable while you still find yourself unable to do that... then just let him go, - not all damages can be repaired, not all cracks in a relationship can be fixed; that's just life.
And whatver you do, do not committ yourself to help with the bakery if you do not wish to be a baker- marriage does not mean forced hard labour !!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (25 December 2013):
 Your parents are right; any parent in their place would worry. Your parents have tried to give you the best possible life that they could and to see that you will actually be stepping down in life to adjust with a person who is below your standard in life is indeed very hard.
Love fades OP and with time what you need is a solid understanding and a genuine affection and warmth for the person you're with. You admit that your upbringing is different from his and the way you face life and challenges will also be different. In time, there will be clashes and huge adjustment problems.
Do you really think its worth all this? And that too for someone who cheated on you "several times" by your own admission? While there are no reasons and justifications for cheating, he might have done it because he saw the wide gap between you two and maybe that was too much for him to take. Of course you're negative and cynical after that, who wouldn't be? You cant just wake up the next morning and put it all behind you; you may try to, if you really want the relationship to work, but sometimes it just doesn't and never, EVER blame yourself for his faults.
There are too many downsides to this relationship OP. Think about it. Do you really think you're ready to settle for so little?
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