A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My Boyfriend and I have been together just over a year and a half. We're both young professionals, independent and fairly busy in our lives.Our relationship has never been perfect, though we both fight through determined to be together.He has always been a complete stick in the mud about anything, dates, going out on the weekend, family visits. And rarely follows through with what he says he will. We're definitely not sexually compatible. I want more, and he is awkward and pretty much disinterested in the bedroom. I am becoming hyper sensitive to the 'unrelationship' we seem to have built together.More recently the fighting has become worse, he will flip and get incredibly whiny about the tiniest of things, which in turn makes me feel rejected and hurt and ultimately as if he doesn't want me. I am not the sort of person who hangs about in a miserable relationship, but I feel what he genuinely could give in his heart is not coming through, and he is being an asshole. To make matters worse his Mother, whom I got on with so so well, has recently taken a disliking to me. Up until about 2 months ago, we would go out for coffee, id go help with groceries, cooking, cleaning in the house (he shares with her) and we were perfectly friendly. She got quite drunk one night, and we were watching a programme about childcare, and she voiced her opinion, and I voiced mine - all very normal, until she kept on and on, and I think for 1 and a half hours she was talking non stop (no ranting) at me, about something she heard on the TV. My BF came downstairs and saw her pointing her finger quite rudely in my face and all hell broke loose. Ive not felt welcome in her house since, and Its making things with my BF worse. I don't know if I should carry on. I love him to bits and I would do the world for him. But his kind of love doesn't involve that. And I fear we're just going to make each other more and more depressed.Christmas should be a time of year spent with loved ones. I was invited over to his, but I since received a phone call saying his mother wanted to spend it alone. Which was fine by me, I understand that, But why make me cancel plans with my own family so he could cancel on me at the last minute?! I feel lost and hopeless. Help. Please!!!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 December 2013):
 The relationship has never been perfect. In the beginning it should be perfect… the cracks don’t begin to show till later on. The fact that you have a list of what’s wrong:
a. He’s always been a stick in the mud about anything
b. He rarely follows through with anything
c. We are NOT sexually compatible (if you are not compatible early on it will ONLY get worse)
d. You are fighting a lot
e. He’s whiny
You go on to say “but I feel what he genuinely could give in his heart is not coming through, and he is being an asshole.”
YOU are IN LOVE NOT with him but rather with HIS POTENTIAL. YOU cannot love a man’s potential. YOU have to love him where he is right now. And Right now he’s an ASSHOLE… you said so yourself.
I think your best Christmas gift to yourself and this man you profess to love would be to end this NON-relationship. Do not accept what you are currently accepting because you are afraid to be alone. This is not a good relationship and his mother has picked up on it and is feeding him and clearly he chooses her over you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 December 2013):
 But why exactly are you two " determined to stay together " if you fight all the time ? Sheer stubborness ?...
It can't be the joy you get out of this.
You are arguing frequently, he is a stick in the mud, compatibility is low, sex life not satisfying , he complains,you feel miserable... and yourself call this an unrelationship.
The argument with his mother would seem to me just the icing on the cake- a stale cake with an unpleasant taste.
He makes plans with you then breaks them last moment... because he takes you for granted and he knows that while you say you are not the type to stay in an unhappy relationship... in practice that's exactly what you are doing, so he can reasonably assume he can do whatever and you aren't going anywhere .
Go spend Christmas with your family- it's your family, they won't mind if you cancelled with them then showed up instead , in fact they'll be happy. Then - include in the New Year's resolution that of being happy , serene and indipendent without having to cling to something that is not working.
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