A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone, i've been dating my BF for almost 3 years now and we have a good, trusting relationship. Sex is satisfying for me, but he seems to want to be violent during sex. Now don't think i mean rough, because i don't mind a bit of rough now and again, but he can get very forceful and i've been left with a lot of bruis around the face, neck arms and have had hair nearly pulled out from it in the past.If i ask him to stop he does immediately, so i know it's not him being malicious, but i think he may genuinly get too caught up in it and do things with thinking. Nowadays he seems almost scared to enjoy sex with me because he doesn't want repeats of the past.. I love him to bits and this is getting us both down. Any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Anyone who suggests that having sex to the point of almost having an Asthma attack, choking, thinks that is normal, healthy LOVING expressive love making..or a turn on, is seriously concerning, especially as the female who has asked the question, quite clearly feels VERY uncomfortable with it.
As for percentages of couples who enjoy such extreme acts of violence during sex, is NOT as high as suggested by some of the comments left for this question.
The only reason I am posting again is although SOME men and women may enjoy SEX like this, it is still VERY MUCH in THE MINORITY,and should not be seen as being as harmless, as dressing up in stockings and heels. Most sex like this is about power and dominance. Most couples do NOT have sex like this!
How awful to pass this off as something normal, only for this young female to end up thinking it is ok, others do it, then up end seriously harmed, or really scared, as she feels her boyfriend gets out of control. None of us know him, or his background, and without knowing about that, I say the FIRST priority is this girls SAFETY!
Jilly
A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 My husband likes to get rough, hair pulling, choking, etc..At first i was like noooo Im not doing that but he introduced it actaully is a turn on. I would ask him to ease up, dont be afraid to tell him ur hurting me please be careful. One time, my husband almost had me in an asthma attack from it. So if you tell him lets try it again but be gentle, I know you get caught up in the moment and dont realize it
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Had hoped to see a follow up from the original post of this question, and just re-read her question, It's awful, this is VIOLENCE, she says, quote: " Now don't think i mean rough, because i don't mind a bit of rough now and again, but he can get very forceful and i've been left with a lot of bruis around the face, neck arms and have had hair nearly pulled out from it in the past."
I also note this time round, she says she finds the sex ' SATISFYING' Hmmm...satisfying, is not exactly overly eager!
I feel she's vulnerable, and really hope she follows-up on this one, as I'm concerned.
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, GettingInYourBizness +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Until we get some more info, I think Dear Jilly, makes some good points, hopefully we get a follow up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): No one on here,.. as yet, has mentioned, that YOU end up with bruises around face, and that you've almost had your hair pulled out from it's roots. This is problem, as you clearly don't like it.
To hell with putting him off when you say STOP, ruining the moment etc, what would happen if you didn't say STOP, or any other word used to translate the same meaning? You are not there for him to act out whatever he feels he wants, with you ending up bruised, may be even scared sometimes, this is not healthy. If it was, and it was just a bit rough fun( NOT bruises around your face) you would not be asking for advice.
You say you've been together for three years, so vital question here - has this just started, or has he got progressively rougher over the three years?
Please don't feel that making love, having sex with a partner means you should accept anything that remotely makes you feel disrespected or in potential danger of any violent act during sex. For those who like this, then fine, but not many women in the twenty years of counselling experience have I met who say they want to end up with bruises, wherever they may be.
Interestingly, the ones who do want to be actually harmed, tend to be females who have experienced some kind of physical abuse whilst growing up, it is a continuation of feeling secure with what they have become accustomed to.
If you have a good relationship as you say, then you must talk about this, and as for your boyfriend/partner NOT able to feel at ease having sex with you because he's concerned about letting go - fear of repeating the past, that tells me it is PART of the way he likes to have sex, otherwise if it were just something he tried once, and was NOT something he was into, your love making/sex life would not have been interrupted or affected.
Please think about this, because where any violence is involved, it has to be considered seriously, as I would hate for you to feel that it was all just great, because it's performed in some porn film where females are basically abused that you should go along with it. And we all know that porn is porn due to NOT being about healthy, loving acts..
I hope you manage to resolve this, as I want you to feel safe and LOVED!
Jilly x
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A
female
reader, GettingInYourBizness +, writes (3 August 2010):
I'm curious..
1) Has it always been this way?
2) If it has, ever asked him why he feels he needs to be so rough to get off?
3) If it just started, what do you think changed his ways in the bedroom?
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (3 August 2010):
 Many men like to be the 'dominator' and rough sex is very common, both men and women. Telling him to stop mid-sex can ruin the moment and this may make your man feel awkward. My advice is for the both of you to sit and chose a 'code word', a word that you can say instead of 'stop'. Choose something that wont sound completely weird in the middle of sex, but is clear.
That way when he gets a little too rough in the bedroom, say the word but follow it with a gesture i.e oral or a long kiss just to keep the flow going.
Best Of Luck!
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A
male
reader, Tuberville +, writes (3 August 2010):
You sound like a great girlfriend, and he sounds like a nice guy - to be that respectful of your feelings.
I think you two should just talk in specifics about exactly what your limits are. Then he can go right up to the line without being nervous of crossing it.
We should all be so lucky to have a girl as open minded as you! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (3 August 2010):
 you need to sit down and talk to each other about what feels good to both of you and what doesn't. even start a sex session just to coach each other through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): There nothing you can do. He just has to accept he cannot attack you during sex.
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