A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I guess that this doesn't fall under the traditional, or conventional, relationship topics, but I lost two friends with benefits and I'm going to have a tough time getting back into the dating world.The dynamics of our relationship basically consisted of two women who were always there for me. They've been in and out of my life for about five years with one of them having no clue that I was seeing someone else, but the other one was aware of my other "friend" and accepted it. They're both very attractive and sexual, and also all around great friends; good conversations, listening to each other, supporting and giving advice, etc.One of them kept me around to live out this romance with all the affection and what not, while the other one was more of the sex kitten who would let me do everything; she's very uninhibited and just touching her skin turns me on. Again, both of them turn heads and get hit on by men because of their looks.....its very hard to give them up for lack of better term.What I find rather peculiar is that both of them decided to move on with their lives around the same time. One of them alluded to the fact that I've pulled her in and then pushed her away too many times, and the other woman said that making time for me is starting to take a toll on her as the result of her busy schedule. What are the odds of two women putting an end to this game at the same time? I don't get it.So here's my dilemma: how do I get back into the dating world and live out this fantasy world again? Most women want his full on relationship with all the drama which is something I'm not interested in. I've never really had to work hard finding women--or have women find me--but now that I've been out of the game for many years experiencing nothing but pleasure as opposed to the day-to-day couples grind, I'm afraid that I'm spoiled and no longer live in reality so to speak.I don't want to lead women with the false pretense of starting a serious relationship and then break it off because I'm tired of being with her 24/7. Using people is not what I'm about. I'm all about living in that perpetual state of passion and romance, with both parties being financially independent and secure.
View related questions:
friend with benefits, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you all for your replies and input. The bottom line is that I projected some kind of vibe that made them both end it around the same time. It's not happenstance what happened, especially since they don't even know each other. The silence is a bit deafening these days but I'll be fine.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 November 2013):
 OP, this post is bugging me because you talk about being disingenuous when that's exactly what you're being. You know that you lied/ omitted the truth about being non-exclusive to one of your "friends". You know that one of the women most likely wanted more than FWB (I'm guessing the one you saw a few times a week, though you're deliberately sketchy with details). Since you also know how to get in a woman's mind (your words), you no doubt know that she got hurt and hence doesn't want to be your friend, with or without benefits.
You're not intellectually stupid. You must know these things. Women will eventually want more than FWB, so that type of relationship is bound to end sooner or later. Unless it's with a married women who gets emotional support from her husband and sex with you ... not that I'm advocating that scenario for a minute ... but a single woman is naturally going to want more than FWB after a while; she'll want an emotional connection and commitment unless she's so low on self esteem that she'll accept your crumbs for life.
You just have to accept what you have while you have it and let it go when it finishes, or address your entrenched and unhealthy (IMO) belief that all exclusive and loving partnerships are doomed to misery/ codependency.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous.....I totally agree with you about becoming attached to people we sleep with because that applies to me as well. I'm very much attached to this one woman, not so much the one I saw once in a while but the women who I saw on a frequent basis. The issue is that we're both very independent and we both vacillated between pulling each other in and pushing each other away at different times. We were never in sync when it came down to what we wanted from the arrangement. By the way, I'm NOT into sleeping around with random people; I need to have good chemistry and I'm actually very picky. It just so happened that I connected with two instead of one. But just like a normal relationship or marriage, this one ran its course too....they all do. Nothing lasts.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Its good that you are being honest and know what you want. Also your views about marriage and committed relationship are legitimate.You are asking how you get back into the dating world. But dating is not sleeping with multiple women. I am not sure that's what u want. Your task is to get a new set of women who you would romance primarily in bed. It's not dating. Also some posters here are right. To find a woman who would be 100% into FWB is a difficult task. Though you mentioned how women cheat, it's different. Even a cheating woman if she sleeps with you multiple times and you have an amazing sex and conversation will eventually become attached to you. And the reason would be because you would make her happy. It's imprinted in our genes that wi get attached to those who we sleep with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 November 2013):
Male anon,
I think it's highly unlikely that a woman would write a similar post to the OP, because women don't tend to seek FWB arrangements. They often find themselves in those arrangements and are unhappy, trapped by low self esteem, etc. That's not based on personal experience, but reading so many posts here. However, if a woman did write such a post, I would say exactly the same to her.
I don't think anyone is attacking the OP's character, just discussing the various issues around his predicament. It's fair to question why he doesn't want more than FWB, and it's fair to point out to him that he wasn't honest about being non-exclusive with one of his FWB's.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): To the male anon, I don't think the answers would be different if it were the other way around. He was left by both women because he is no longer providing them with what they need or want. The fact is, the type of relationship he wants is not what most women are looking for, and despite his protestations, at least one of the two women he was with up until now don't seem to have been happy settling for the arrangement at all.
If he is looking for this type if arrangement again, the only advice is to be upfront and let these women know his intentions right from the start. And that doesn't mean assuming that since FWB situations are usually non-exclusive that he can say nothing either. A FWB needs clearly defined rules in place from the start. He also needs to accept that it may well we a deal breaker for many women who are looking for more. Provided he clearly states his intentions it's fine, but stringing them along while saying 'I never said it was a relationship' doesn't cut it. You never said it wasn't either.
I would give the same advice to a woman who wanted to casually date a few men at once - be upfront from the start, but be prepared that you may not find many people who are happy to put up with this type of arrangement long term since people generally start to look for companionship as well as sex when they get older.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@iamhertohelpyou.......I want you to think very carefully about what you wrote regarding being alone in your old age. Does that mean you should settle down and be miserable most of your life just to have someone in case you're really old and need company? Doesn't make sense does it. That feeds into my post about being being conditioned to be needy from an early age. It's not a good trade off. You're proving my point that a lot of marriages are just codependent and dysfunctional arrangements.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Its just a coincidence that they left you at the same time. I don't understand what you worry about, if you are that good looking and charming you will have no problems finding more for playing.
Some people are in love with romancing. And to stay in this state they need to change partners all the time. Also as you witnessed, some women looking for exactly the same as you just play a little and leave. Casual sex sites are very good for that.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013):
This is one of those threads where the answers would probably read VERY differently if the sex of the OP was reversed.
The OP just wonders why he got left by two people at once. There sure is a lot of unnecessary animosity and contempt coming from some female Agony Aunts. Gotta attack his character if you can't attack his logic, huh?
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 "But there' NOTHING wrong with the child who plays alone and is uber content, affable, and successful."
Exactly. There's your answer there. There's nothing wrong with being single either. Relationships are not for everyone. The ones that never have successful relationships probably didn't want to be in relationships, but stay in them or pretend to want them because that's the only socially correct way to connect with a person. When I found out I had to choose between FWBs or the long term roommate situation, I thought to myself, what a shitty deal. I lost all interests in dating but instead focus on things that really make me happy.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (2 November 2013):
I still say, try dating sites. There are sites where you post on your profile what you're looking for, in your case it would be casual seeking casual. That doesn't mean random hook ups with strangers, but going on a few dates and seeing if you have that emotional and physical connection before proceeding to FWB. Yes, some of the women might be secretly married but do your homework before get involved.
I don't think your chances are high in finding someone in your own age range (because at some point most people, male or female, do want to settle down) but who knows, you might get lucky. I don't think online dating is at all helpful for people looking for long term relationships, but since you're only looking for casual it might help you find what you're looking for. Just be 100% honest about your intentions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@female reader......no . I am not clueless regarding women and the games they resort to. I am well aware that hinting whether or not I wanted/should move on was a TOTAL bluff on her part. How am I always able to will women towards me? I don't have to put in a lot effort aside from being attentive, charming , and a great listener. A lot of my ex girlfriends are still in contact with me. I know how to get into a woman's mind. Don't worry about it ; )@Iamheretohelpyou......I have nothing against the concept of a functional and loving relationship. But from my experience, powers of observation, statistics, common sense, and human dynamics, every relationship runs its course as it pertains to the "loving" aspect; people just end up becoming roommates and they tolerate it. Talk about disingenuous. They use each other financially, for company, etc. I just believe that people are conditioned from an early age to be needy, this idea that you need another person to make you complete. But there' NOTHING wrong with the child who plays alone and is uber content, affable, and successful.As a single guy, if you only knew the shenanigans that goes in the minds of married women. I get hit on a lot, and some of these women are very upstanding and well respected....their husbands are clueless!!! I just don't trust a lot of women based on my experience. If they feel neglected emotionally they'll get it somewhere else, and they are masters of deception, especially the ones "who will never cheat". unbelievable.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (2 November 2013):
 " Friends with benefits " is also not synonimous with depth,permanence and reliability. It lasts till it lasts, and the very minute any tiny teeny little something comes up in the relationship, rather than bothering fixing it, as people would try and do in a regular relationship, either party or both decide :why bother, I can get the same somewhere else,with less or no trouble.
The second lady ( who was a real FWB ) ditched you the moment she got busier at work or something ( not excluding that this something may be another playmate. Lack of time is the most overused , banal excuse ever, people always MAKES time for the things / persons they care about ). Disappointing, I agree, but totally unsurprising.
The first one ( the twice a week lady ).- oh come on. She was not a "real " FWB, she was the typical clueless, misguided Pollyanna who hangs in there in the illusion that time is going to turn fun and games into something more serious. I doubt, in fact I exclude that she was as happy and content about the situation as you say- in this case her complaints would make no sense at all. If she had been fine with it, do you think she would have cared a whit about being pulled in and pushed back emotionally ?! What emotions , about what, if one just wants sex and fun and entertainment ? ( Even if in a warm, friendly, affectionate context, - I believe you about that. Not dreaming of accusing you of being just a cold mindless horndog ).
She hung in there as much as she could- before admitting defeat and exiting the scene.
I would not complain if I were you- you had it exceptionally good as far as FWBs go. People get sick and tired of them much sooner, in average. Whether they want to build something more committed ( lady no.2 ) , or whether they get bored of the same old show, no matter how excellent it was, and look for something new ( lady no. 1 ) .
I sort of understand where you are coming from, - you'd just want everything being always exciting and adrenalinic and glamorous and entertaining... Trouble is, most people at some point get sick and tired of " entertainment ". It's like going to Broadway plays every night, or dining at fancy restaurant sipping champagne every night. Eventually people CRAVE staying at home watching old TV reruns in their comfy ratty old PJ.
The solution to your quandary ? Well, being optimistic and keeping tryng, for once. Tou had what you wanted already, so why excluding that it can happen again, even if this time takes a little more time. Just be crystal-clear right off the bat about your wants needs and intentions in terms of relationships, so that you do not mislead anybody , on purpose or accidentally. You want something specific and it may not come easy , or as easy as it did once, then again I don't see why it should be different from any search for a partner with specific traits ( a blonde over 5'9", a Phd in Political Scoences, a Gemini sun sign with rising Scorpio etc.etc. )
You may also want to consider an older segment of population- women a bit ( or a lot ) older than you. Many of them, particularly if successful in their careers and financially secure , could be Ok with what you have to offer : sex, fun, a little companionship occasionally- but nothing more than that. Nothing that involves long term plans, heavy committment or big life changes like- shudder - living together or- shudder - getting married .
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2013): For a man of your age you really have no idea about women do you? When she was 'joking' about your other girlfriends, she was trying to work out whether you were seeing someone else or not. Trust me when I say it wasn't a joke, it was her way of trying to find out if you felt the same way about her as she did about you. If you had been as upfront as you say, then she wouldn't have had to do that. Also, by making herself more available when you started to pull back was her way of trying to keep you. I doubt you will believe me because it's not what you want to hear, but this woman really liked you. The vast majority of women don't get into FWB relationships because they love sex so much, they do it because they believe that by having sex with a man she will keep him interested and he will one day realise how great she is and he wants more. Now we both know that's unlikely to happen, but it's the way things are so don't fool yourself that these two women were happy with the situation. They probably both left because you've wasted several years of their lives and they are now looking for someone who will give them a proper commitment (and kids if they want them). Even if you find others who will agree to the same situation you had with these women, you will find that most will eventually leave because most women need much more than this to keep them happy.Oh and finally, having sex with someone you get on well with, have chemistry with and connect with intellectually IS all a relationship is. What happened that made you believe they were so bad?!
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 November 2013):
 'The one girl who didn't know about the other one used to always joke about if I had one of my girlfriends over, and she often hinted that I should move on and find a real girlfriend'
That is woman double talk for 'If I push him away and tell him to find someone else, maybe he will realise that he wants to be with me'
The clue is in 'real girlfriend'...she is screaming out that she wants to be your real girlfriend!!
Thats why she always comes back because women always think they can change a mans mind and it is in this action alone that men find the space to use and fool.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 November 2013):
'They are the ones who pursued me and settled for what we had.'
Yes and now they have quit on you because you are not giving then what they want...that is the nature of the game with FWB. It's a case of FOOLING and TRICKING them for as long as possible until they realise you are NOT going to give them what they want.
ALL women will walk away eventually, because they can only stand being used so much.
You are in denial because you know if you tell them the truth up front, you won't get very far.
YOU have set these boundaries for yourself. YOU have decided that this is how you want your life and the only way to get that is to FOOL and TRICK women.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Friends with benefits" is not synonymous with an exclusive relationship. The one girl who didn't know about the other one used to always joke about if I had one of my girlfriends over, and she often hinted that I should move on and find a real girlfriend. But whenever I moved on she continuously made herself even more available. There was no drama at all. I saw one a couple of times a week and the other one maybe twice a month. It's not just about moving on and finding someone, but I genuinely miss them as friends. It wasn't just sex but the chemistry as it related to our friendship was really strong. I'm not into anonymous sex, on-line dating, picking up people, etc. I'm all about chemistry and getting into each others mind. That's what made this FWB situation so good.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (1 November 2013):
You did "fool and trick" at least one of these women, because she had no idea you were screwing some one else. Be honest with yourself for goodness sake.
What you describe as drama free friends with benefits is a situation that women often become distraught about. There is nothing drama free about it for these women - search Dear Cupid posts if you don't believe me. You were indeed very lucky to have not one but two contented FWB - though one WAS under false pretences. I think they weren't as happy with the situation as you seem to think.
There are websites devoted to finding sex partners. Since you're so handsome etc, I really don't understand why you posted this.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (1 November 2013):
I don't think you have any problems finding women. Why does it have to be either 24/7, or sex flings?
I get the feeling that you do want women who to do it the tradition way, fall in love, expecting a full on relationship then you tell them no, it's not how it works for me as opposed to women who want to use you for sex also. Women get romantic because they anticipate a long term relationship, soulmates and stuff. When it's just sex it's mechanical. It's hard to get the best of both worlds.
I am only 33 years old and more than a year ago I was shocked that I was experiencing something like a sexual widow. I had a Lothario guy. He gave me lots of pleasure. I was spoiled and I swear I couldn't find anything better. I expected long term but he thought the same way as you. He couldn't pretend anymore and we ended ways.
So a year later I am surprised that I am fine being single, and not looking when before I felt like I am visiting my own grave to my sexual life. Maybe as a man it feels different but if you could go with the flow and not generalize everything you won't have to think to yourself, "life's not fair!" I feel like I am emancipated from this whole thing about finding a partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): I agree with some of what llifton said. I am a business woman with a busy life, have been with my man for about a year and a half, and we see each other a few times a week. We don't live together, and we don't speak of marriage. It works out well for both of us. Although we're exclusive, and that's not what you're looking for, this type of relationship could work for you. Nobody goes on a first date explaining they want this or that out of it; nobody CAN know what one wants with that particular person when you first meet. You can still date and hopefully you'll come across another lady who wants the same sort of fulfillment as you.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 you say "I don't want to lead women with the false pretense of starting a serious relationship and then break it off because I'm tired of being with her 24/7." However, you mention that you lied to one of these women for years. i would say that's some pretty false pretenses, as well, wouldn't you? granted, it's a different kind of false pretense, but a false pretense nonetheless.
anyway, yeah, there are some women who are looking for moving in and marriage, etc. but there are also plenty of business women who have busy lives and are only looking for an occasional date and sex once a week or every other week. not every woman is looking for what you think they are. after all, you managed to find these women, didn't you?
i think part of your question is somewhat alluding to the possibility of these two women jointly ending things with you in a collaborative effort. your statement "what are the odds of two women putting an end to this game at the same time? I don't get it." it is rather peculiar. are you wondering if they talked with each other and both conjointly decided to end it with you? this IS possible. however, there's no telling if that is what happened. only they could tell you that.
anyway, as i said, it's possible to find women who want the same things you want. you just gotta go out there and find them.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 You write: "....I'm spoiled and no longer live in reality so to speak...."
So to speak, schmo to speak. You, Brother, had Nirvana.... but abused it... and now will simply have to seek Nirvana again.
Unfortunately, it's now five years in the future.....and you may find that the women who you will pursue are five years' smarter.... so YOU will have to "up" YOUR game...
I suggest that you delve in to the reference book titled,
"How to locate and take advantage of women who are so desperate that they'll do just about ANYTHING to get and keep your attention... INCLUDING, putting out for you".
It is a handy source of many tips for what I'm SURE you would like to find...
Good luck...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@AuntyEm....read my post again. I didn't fool them or trick them into anything. They are the ones who pursued me and settled for what we had. I'm not saying I'm the cat's meow or anything, but if the same women keep on coming back then I must be doing something right. All parties involved were okay with it. We all have great careers, do well for ourselves, independent, etc. It was all predicated on enjoying each others company; a lot of affection, passionate kissing. @Female Reader RI....This one girl is eleven years my junior. I look very young for my age; full head of hair, very fit. It's easy to attract women if you have a good sense of humor, are attentive and a good listener. My concern is that I don't want to charm some woman and lead her on into thinking that I want to settle down just to get something physical in return. I'm just hoping to fall back into this state of Elysium that I found myself in all these years. Marriage is fine if you and your partner are content living out the rest of your lives fighting and arguing with each other like Palestinians vs. Israelis.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2013): You are really going to struggle to find another couple of women to put up with this type of arrangement from you. You are getting older now and most good women will want a real relationship. Also, you say you don't want to use anyone yet the women you were with weren't exactly clear about the whole situation were they? So that's not true at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (1 November 2013):
'One of them alluded to the fact that I've pulled her in and then pushed her away too many times'
Probably because you have given her the impression that you wanted a relationship when really you just wanted sex.
'I don't want to lead women with the false pretense of starting a serious relationship and then break it off because I'm tired of being with her 24/7. Using people is not what I'm about. I'm all about living in that perpetual state of passion and romance, with both parties being financially independent and secure'
You could try and explain on a dating profile that you are just after sex, but most women will find that a turn off...so you will just have to do as you have always done and lie and fool them.
There are a lot of sad and lonely women in the world, I am sure you won't have any trouble finding one or two to have sex with.
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (1 November 2013):
 It's hard to except you are older and women aren't as attracted to you as they used to be. Maybe trying to get to know women on a deeper level would help.
...............................
|
