A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am dating a very young guy..25..im much older but we have had a really cool connection, trust, closeness, amazing physical relationship. not for a long time, but for this summer. as i have began to fall for him, i have found myself repeatedly stung by casual comments that come out of his mouth..things anyone who felt for me would never voice out loud. my friend has some issues with add--in the sense that he sometimes doesnt understand what he does or says that angers people. he has said he has had this issue with alot of people--and girls. he is a very gentle guy, he will listen and talk with me about anything i need, hes really helpful and his physical passion for me seems to convey alot of unspoken attraction. but he does have this very apparant unsocialized naivite about what is okay to say and what isnt. i honestly dont think he even realizes how bad the stuff is that he says. so in that context, i have tried to let things slide--especially since he says other things that tell me he does want to be with me, and that im the most important person in his life now. BUTTTT...and id like to hear comments from girls and guys point of view..the things he has said have built up over time--and they have began to erode my self confidence, which has made me feel insecure and confused, since these comments feel so unnerving and make me feel unloved and jealous. tell me if anything like this would happen to you--and if it would slowly erode your self confidence and trust in things..and at what point would you quietly reel your heart back in?he has said:after being away for a week in a military training, he returned to see me, he was tired and worn out. when we laid in bed together, he said that the military girl he massaged last night while he was working with her thanked me--for teaching him how to give such a great massage. Ouch!then.,,just yesterday he asked to see me tonight. when he came over tonight, he said he had to leave later to pick up a friend at the airport. its a girl who lives in his apartment complex. he said her plane was delayed and that he would stay but might have to be up at 3am to go get her. im close to the airport, maybe 10 minutes. i asked if he was coming back..it just felt weird that he would leave in the middle of the night for someone..he said he would like to but he wasnt sure..he said by the time he got there, they waited for her luggage and he drove her back to tha apartment complex--that it might be 2 hours! and that he might just stay there. we had a storm later today and the electric is out at his building. why would he stay at his apartment with no electric? AND this is a small airport, it woudl never take two hours to get there, pick someone up and get them home. it looks very much like he is wanting to keep his nite open to spend with this girl.i nearly laughed when he told me the above. ok, you made a plan tonight with me, so your leaving to get another girl and you may or may not come back--do you honestly not see how that looks. we spoke honestly then. he began to cry and shake. he was silent. he eventually came out with that he just like to help people--and that is true--he does help everyone. that he doesnt say no and then he doesnt actually think about how he leaves me to go help people who wouldnt help him. he cried that i meant more to him than anyone else here and that he didnt want to lose me, he said he only said he might stay at his place after he picked her up bc he might be so tired that he couldnt stay awake--we live ten minutes apart. we grew close in his tears and i softened a little. it truley does seem like his has trouble sorting things like this out and doesnt realize the harm he does. now, heres the real knife in the heart..he is laying in bed tonight with me--after the above happened. he said he felt bad for her. i asked why. he said she called him at 2am the night before crying, saying how much she didnt like where she was and that she wanted to come home. i asked him if he thought she liked him and he said no, it wasnt like that. then, then he said this: dont take this the wrong way, but i'd be proud to be with Liz. she is gorgeous, she's a genuis and she has a peirced clit.thats always been a dream of mine, to be with someone with a peirced clit. my heart kind of dropped out. social retard or not, this is just not something any man whould be stupid enough to say in bed at midnight with the girl hes just hurt and then tried to make up--yeah? i immediately felt that i could never stack up to a person like this. i felt myself falling down inside of myself, like a collaspeable cup. i just felt so cold, so worthless. he could tell i retreated so he offered..that i dont have to worry about anything as she's moving in a few weeks and is going to be traveling heavilly between when she returns and the move. please share your thoughts. i kind of feel like im with a high with asbergers, who just blurts out his thoughts without regard to the impact they will have on a mate. i have tried to put things into perspctive and to back up emotionally but these kinds of comments would slice anyone when they are in bed with the person who is saying them. Share your thoughts!
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confidence, insecure, jealous, military, unloved Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe're in what we're in bc he asked to be in a full on monogamous thing with me, he invited a fun, cool thing where we spent alot of time together into a thing that was the two of us and romantic. we dont go on dates, the bond was emotional and im actually younger than the age range it gives--i choose the wrong age bracket. but yes, i still am much much older than he, but i also was on a very long curve of development--i didnt reach puberty until in my 20's and i didnt have a serious relationship until i was 32. i have never been married or been with anyone longer than a year and a half. i do love relationships but bc of my own abuse issues as a kid, i really cant date 'men', i much prefer innocent guys who arent after sex but like to spend time, do things, hang out. i cant deal with any guy pressuring me for sex and men size you up this way, it moves way too fast for me and freaks me out. all of my relationships have been with people who are similar to me in this vein--it just happens to be that i am getting older is all. but if i go out on dates, men always always pressure me for the next step--and i cant handle it. many people who were sexually abused retain a child like innocnece to them about how they approach sexuality. it becomes very important to them to only pick others that feel safe to them. all of you are right tho--what he invited me into was awesome but for reasons that are beyond talking, i am never going to be emotionally loved to compendsate for the stages of vulnerabilty and attachment people go thru as they fall into trust and deeper connection with one another. he is always going to say something he has no idea that is hurtful or bring up other women while we're in bed, not realizing that i have no interest in hearing about it. i have talked about all this stuff with him, he listens, he says he sees it, and hes sorry and he will now try to realize what it is, but he doesnt see it bc he simply does it the next day or next week. thanks everyone for your imput!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Are you sure he is your boyfriend? Have you discussed that you two are in a monagamous relationship? Have you had a discussion about boundaries?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): I am in the same situation OP...My very young lover..13years junior..I dunno..says things like" there is a girl at work who is new..and I know she likes me cuz the way that she look at me..." At my age (33yrs) I cant tolerate it...and besides that..he lies for stupid little things..he said one day "My mom moved to another place.." I said ok,,,weeks later..he took me to his mom place...and that wasnt a new place..was the same place that I went before!! I told him do you remember that you told me that you mom moved? He said, Oh not! I told you my mom is going to move!!...kind the things like that..Woman in our age dont play mind games..Tired of that. Maturity stage really matters.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Is your user name pared down?
Asperger's or not, he is a friend, but you are hoping that he talks to you like you are gfs and bfs. Here's when I think sex and friendship don't mix well. If you feel jealous that he's thinking of other girls it means it's not a good idea to continue this. You can tell him to keep his stories to himself but you still know he is not committed to you the way you want him to. It's true you have a cool connection, he listens to you, feels you are important, helps you out, but he is still your friend. If you want to hear something like you are the only one that will do, you are special, then you should get a boyfriend, someone who is capable of being a boyfriend.
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reader, doublejack +, writes (19 July 2012):
Well OP, I see a few different issues here and unfortunately I think you will continue to feel slighted over and over again while this relationship lasts.
1. He's practically young enough to be your son. Generational differences exist when it comes to views on relationships, sex, and social interaction. His behavior and casual talk of other women are things you view as hurtful and unacceptable, but his generation views as rather normal. Leaving to pick up a female friend at the airport isn't something a woman his own age would worry much about in many situations. Then there is the maturity issue. There are times when you will clearly feel you are raising a son rather than with a partner. You have a lot of life experience he lacks, so he will misstep and fall into potholes that you would have avoided easily.
2. He's ADD / possible Asperger's. That's going to make him more erratic, impulsive and spontaneous, so he will do and say things without really thinking about it. He will then have a difficult time relating his words and actions to you and how they affected your feelings.
3. He pretty clearly admitted he would get with this attractive friend Liz from the airport if she didn't place him in the friend zone (he didn't say the last bit but it is easily inferred). Some of the make-up things he said to you afterwards were because he got into damage control mode. He admitted he would be proud to be with her... that's pretty clear, no? A lot of guys, especially his age, maintain friendships with attractive women because they hold out hope the woman will start to see them as more.
4. You have caught him in lies. That undermines trust, and he has a job that takes him away from chunks of time. He may not ever deliberately try to hurt you, but he may be capable of cheating and believe he can keep it from you.
I'm sure this is not your first rodeo so to speak, so I am not going to give you advice on how to proceed from here. I feel you will make the decision that is right for you. However, I caution that just talking to him about things will not bring about major, lasting changes. He has years of growing up to do in order to get to the point you are probably hoping for. He's but 25. The average guy goes through many failed relationships in their mid to late 20's and even into their 30's before they start to "get it right".
Best of luck!
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Have to say I respectfully disagree with SageOldGuy. I see his point, but I know I have said some really dumb things in my youth that thankfully, others have ignored. Actually, I have said some really dumb things in adulthood that only later have realized how stupid they were or how wrong they may have sounded to others when they made perfect sense to me.
That pierced clit story is starting to make me laugh a little bit because it's kind of like a little boy in awe..."it's always been my dream to be with someone with a pierced clit"...I think he was just telling you that is something he has fantisized about, not that he wants you to get that or wanted her. See what I mean?
You told him these things upset you and he seemed remorseful. You don't just dump someone but they've said a couple weird things to you. Not sure what that other guy is saying. You may find someday that you can't deal with some of the things he says and then you may eventually decide to leave, but he is not trying to be malicious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoriginal poster here..these are amazing, unexpected answers..i was thinking i would hear from people saying: dump him, he is hurting you with insensitivity--it doesnt matter why he says these things--they are still going to hurt youbut all of you are saying sort of a similar thing--being 25 makes him kind of clueless to how i would feel by him just talking..if he was up to soemthing with either the military chick or the sexy girl he's picking up at the airport--he prob wouldnt even tell me what he has so far, yeah?and being Add makes him even more socially awkward. something i learned recently about him is that he had a very tough upbringing. his mom was a drug user and he was born needing to go into an incubator and be weaned off cocaine. he had the condition where the first year of his life he screamed alot. he had developmental delays in early school. then he found mechanics and began to excell. what i found in him was a really gentle, beautiful, old fashioned integrity guy, who helps others the way i do--holding doors, helping people on thhe highway. he'd give you the shirt off his back. he's very natural and very primal sexually--which is exactly the way i am so we kind of line up in ways i have never lined up with another. but the things he has said in passing really made me feel like he was letting me know about others bc he wanted to be with them. i have caught him in a few lies here and there--such as him saying he was staying on base when he really was staying at his apartment only a few minutes away. these little discrepancies have made me think that the girl he was massaging was at the apartment with him--why else would he say he was one place, when really he was home. or that a girl at his apaartment complex is staying with him. the point is, he's a very unusual mix of person--maybe a little forrest gump-y. he's gorgeous to look at and often quite clueless about how attractive he is. he knows not how he looks and he knows not what he does! i know girls swarm around him, but i also dont think it ever dawns on him to tell anyone he is seeing someone--me..all these things from an older guy, would be clear indications hes not into you. but i try to see him for who he is and not compare him to others..he does have some issues, its obvious that he has social skill issues. i think the people who post here have great insight and depth. I welcome all comments. thanks to all.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I say, forget this guy's age, and consider ONLY his behaviour and speech. Would you tolerate this inconsideration in a guy who was your age or older? I suspect not.....
He sounds like he's not that much in to you.... and you'll be better off once you show him the door. (He may not understand that you're "telling" him to leave.... so be prepared to PUSH him out!!!!!)
Good luck....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 July 2012):
 ADD girl here... yep I get him totally...
there is a GREAT book out called "what does everybody else know that I don't?" http://www.amazon.com/What-Does-Everybody-Else-Know/dp/1886941343
it clearly explains why us ADDers have such lousy social skills... it's part of the ADD and most folks do NOT realize it... you are wise to know that his ADD colors his social skills.
as for the pierced clit/girl comment... he's just talking... he's not saying you need one or that you are not adequate...
I am 52 my fiance is 39... its' a bit of a gap but we survive...
25 is young and 25 with ADD is very young...we mature much later than most....
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reader, mystiquek +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I agree with Bondgirl. In this situation, alot of it has to do with his age. I'm 50, I have a 25 year old son and he's smart but sometimes the things that come out of his mouth just absolutely amaze me. Its like they just open their mouth and don't even think about what they are saying! You know...the old "open mouth, insert foot" kind of thing? It sounds as if your guy isn't the most mature 25 year old around. Think about it..you're dating a guy with the age difference large enough for him to be your son, right? So there's going to be some bumps along the way. If you want to keep him around and be able to tolerate him, gently guide him, explain to him what he has said/done that upsets you. He truly may not know.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 July 2012):
Most of this is the difference in age and maturity levels. He is 25. He's grown up in a different time than you, saying different things, and following different social norms. He doesn't understand because he's a typical kid who doesn't have a lot of clear boundaries on things. For example, the comment about the clit, what well-seasoned man is going to say that to his girlfriend/wife? Only one who is not very bright. I am not saying he isn't bright, but this is likely how he is used to talking. Young people talk like this and think nothing of it. If it bothers you, you need to tell him so he knows instead of retreating. Otherwise, he will probably be clueless about it. His immaturity did not know to say "I'm sorry, I want YOU not her".
As far as the massage...I think being in the military is a unique circumstance and giving anyone a back massage is not necessarily an issue. If you were in the military and on duty, you might give someone a back massage too. It's just something to pass the time. Same with the above, if you don't like it, you need to discuss it with him not just telling him you're upset, but you're upset because of the fact that giving a massage could be seen as an intimate act and it bothers you.
When it comes to love, we usually say "age does not matter", but this is a time when it does. Maturity level does matter. With him being a lot younger, you may have to mother him to teach him what's approriate and what isn't in your world. Even then, there isn't any guarantee that he is going to mature over night.
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