A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and we have been living together for the past year and a half.Up until two months ago our sex life was phenomenal; we would have sex almost every day, and sometimes more than once. However we suddenly entered a rough patch in our relationship recently and he rarely wants sex with me anymore. It has been really hard for me because I love having sex with him and have been very horny lately due to the lack of it. I try to initiate sex almost every day, and he almost always has an excuse to why he can't. Now, I am NOT the kind of girlfriend who prohibits my boyfriend to look at porn. I understand why men and women (including myself) enjoy watching it from time to time. As long as it's not replacing real sex, occasional porn viewing is okay (and normal) in my book. However, after a month of only having sex with him a few times, I accidentally found a huge porn collection on his laptop. He specifically asked me to use his computer when I came home from work to check and see if he had any homework due the next day. My laptop was broken, so I had to use his. The porn file was already opened on the screen when I resumed windows. All of the porn had been downloaded within the same month and what's worse is that almost all of it had been downloaded on nights when I was home with him. I quickly realized that he had been denying me sex with a stupid excuse, waiting until I fell asleep, then viewing, masturbating, and adding to his collection of hundreds of pictures.I don't know what to do. I'm confused as to why he thinks this is okay when our relationship is failing. I know he loves me and I know he is still physically attracted to me (since I look the same as before). So why then is he constantly choosing porn over having real sex with me? Could it be because he is depressed? Will that cause a man to not want to have real sex? Or is it me? Getting answers from those of you who have been in this situation before AND from men (since I don't understand how y'all think) would be very helpful. Thanks so much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): He may be depressed. You said that you're relationship had been going through a "rough patch" and I wasn't quite sure if you meant that the loss of sex was a cause or a result of said "rough patch". Is there anything else going on in his life that may cause him stress? )Job pressures, illness, family relationships etcStress and depression can have a kind of "drooping" effect on men and some may experience some erectile dysfunction. This can be made worse with alcohol even in quite moderate amounts. Men who experience ED may avoid sex so it doesn't become apparent to their partner (or because they don't want their fears confirmed).If he is already on antidepressants - these can have the side-effect of dulling sexual sensations (in both sexes) and in order to achieve orgasm the person needs must stronger direct stimulation. For a man that would mean his own firm hand-hold and some additional visual stimulation.Is he showing any other signs of depression other than loss of libido? Persistant low mood and negative outlook? Lack of interest in his usual activities or friends? Withdrawn or irritable? Lack of interest in his appearance compared to his usual self? Changes in eating habits (loss of appetite or overeating or eating junk)? Changes in sleep pattern?I mentioned changes in sleep pattern last because there is some evidence from your post that this might be happening. You say that most of his porn viewing has occured at night when you were asleep. If he has insomnia he may just be looking at porn as quiet pleasurable non-exhaustive activity to pass the time while he's asleep. It's very difficult to simply lie next to a slumbering person in bed when you can't sleep at all.
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (31 December 2013):
 OP no need to get defensive, I am not accusing you of anything. Porn addiction is very real and affects around 15% of all porn users. It has NOTHING to do with you. You could literally be the hottest woman on the planet and amazing in bed and it wouldn't help. If he was addicted to alcohol or nicotine would you still think it was your fault? No! Please don't blame yourself and anyone who blames you, shame on them.
Men are no more wired for variety than women are. Everyone loses some steam after a few years together, it's perfectly normal, but choosing porn over sex is not.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 There is a correlation between frequent porn viewing and depression. Can you tell us what that rough patch is about? Everyone has stress in their lives so I am not sure if you can blame it on just stress. Did something happen to him or is it like a quarter life crisis?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm disappointed with some of the advice you guys have given me. I thank you for your time, however, I feel that Janniepeg and wiseoldman are just assuming I'm dull and don't try to mix things up in the bedroom. It seems there are always a few people who immediately blame the girlfriend for why their boyfriend prefers porn over real sex, rather than look at the situation holistically. I totally understand that after a couple years the "puppy love" stage is over and it becomes more of a challenge to keep up a healthy sex life with your partner. However, no matter how difficult it might be, I feel EACH partner (not just the girlfriend) should work hard to make it happen, rather than give up and resort to porn. And I DO communicate with him about his needs; I have bought many outfits/costumes, toys, etc., I have been willing to try new things over the years. I don't think it's that he's bored with me. I was wondering if maybe the fact that he's been depressed lately has to do with the problem, a question that all of you have ignored.
Wiseoldman: The porn he looks at are simply pictures of naked women. That's it, plain and simple. Many of them have similar body shapes to my body, and not one picture is "kinky". I feel as though it's not that I can't pleasure him, but rather that he is disturbed and is having difficulty being intimate with me due to stresses in his life at the moment, which I have been very sensitive to since I found his porn. I'm not mad at him, but I'm rather worried for his well-being and for that of our relationship.
Janniepeg: I realize people aren't wired to maintain the same intensity for the same person forever. However, in a serious relationship such as ours, I would appreciate at least some effort on his part to try to solve this problem. I'm definitely not bored of having sex with him, so I know he has the ability to enjoy it with me even after all these years. Plus, he is absolutely wonderful in bed. He knows I know it, so I don't think he's scared of messing up or not being good enough in bed with me.
Thanks everyone for sharing your opinions.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (24 December 2013):
As one agony aunt has said this is becoming a problem in our society now.It's due to the pornification of society because of the internet.It's deeply worrying that women are portrayed as purely objects to be used for the gratification of men on these sexual sites.The love your boyfriend may have felt towards you at the beginning of the relationship seems to have disappeared.You'll have to tackle him head on with this and have some serious talks otherwise this relationship has no future.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 December 2013):
Sadly this is becoming a much more common problem. This site will give you tons of information.
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (24 December 2013):
Is the content of the porn what you do anyway, or would trying/implementing what he's been watching be the missing link? Otherwise, (and women hate this and men can't admit it to them), he may need variety after four solid years of you. It would be unrealistic for you to tell him to eat at another restaurant for a change, but if you consider asking a presentable girlfriend to join the two of you once in a while (you'll feel better if you're the one who picks her) he will completely worship you for your unselfish generosity. And no man would ever in a million years leave a woman who allows him this for another woman who might not.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 December 2013):
He can't keep up with the pace. People are not wired to maintain the same intensity towards the same person day after day. For men it's more challenging because they depend on the ability to get an erection whereas women just need to have lubrication and spread their legs. Him watching porn is similar to him sharpening his tool, making sure that it's still working. It started this way and then it became an addiction. It's not that he prefers the porn actress over you. He prefers the passive visual entertainment and the guaranteed ejaculation over his performance anxiety when dealing with you.
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