A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my bf of 6 months has a hot female friend that posts sexy fb photos everyday showing her body and posts flirty comments on my bf's profile. they have been friends for a decade, still go out from time to time and are still in touch. they have never dated but my bf acknowledged she is attractive. i know my bf won't leave me for her and i am generally ok with their friendship but my problem is he is sometimes masturbating to her fb photos. he does not think this is cheating but i think it is a dealbreaker. i am ok with porn and random strangers but not with close friends. i am considering leaving the relationship but i love him. he is saying they are "just friends" and he is not going to act on anything and this should not affect our relationship. he won't delete her fb or cut her off. what can i do? do all guys do this?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): How can you judge "all guys" by your scummy-boyfriend?
You deserve better than this, and shouldn't submit to being treated in such a way!
NO...ALL GUYS DON'T DO IT!
You're nearly 30 years-old, and you know we don't!!! Don't pretend you don't know any better than that! It's as sexist and ridiculous as asking if all females are helpless-victims to whatever men do to them???
Stop trying to rationalize for wanting to keep him by insulting the entire male gender; as if we're all scum like him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2020): Oh, he won't leave you for her? How magnanimous of him! He's whipping his willy for her; so he may as well take it to the next level.
You're OK with porn and random strangers, huh? Then it shouldn't make any difference if it's her or any other female.
It is astonishing what some women will put-up with to keep a no-good dirt-bag cheating boyfriend!!!
Seriously, girlfriend?!! Really?!!
How can you feel honored and respected by a guy like that? You speak as if you're giving him your permission to do what he does by being okay with him spanking it to strange women. I don't believe you have any say about it, and he doesn't give a rat's pa-tootie how you feel about!!! You've resigned yourself to it out of sheer helplessness; because you know you can't do anything about it! You want to keep him so badly, you're killing yourself to keep that bag of dirt.
No matter what we advise, you want to keep him. I don't think he's worth spit!
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 This is going to seem harsh but it comes from the heart.
Ok, your boyfriend of 6 months is flirting with a woman he's known for 10 years, she flirts with him, she posts sexy photo's and he masturbates whilst looking at them.
6 months into a relationship is still, in my opinion, the honeymoon period and usually couples in love can't keep their hands off each other and have no thoughts of anyone else. Yet here's your guy flirting with and going out with (time to time) another woman who he clearly is very turned on by.
You say this behaviour is a deal-breaker yet rather than break up with him, you write to us asking us what we think. Are you hoping we're going to tell you that his behaviour is normal and healthy? Because I'm sorry it isn't.
You say you love him, well maybe you do but he clearly doesn't feel the same way or he sure as hell wouldn't be doing this and he isn't even trying to hide it, he's openly behaving like this in front of you and you're putting up with it.
You know he won't leave you for her.....um really, how? Quite frankly the kindest thing he could do is leave you for her because he's treating you with total disrespect.
At what point does infidelity become an actual dealbreaker for you then? Is oral sex ok because they haven't actually had full intercourse? Or is it when he has had sex with her or is that ok because they're only friends and it's you he really loves?
I've got a bad feeling that you're going to hang on to this guy because you "love him".
Wake up, this is not a porn star or pin-up girl we're talking about, this is not a fantasy, this girl is real, he knows her, she knows him, they're clearly attracted to each other and it's only a matter of time before they actually do something about it, if they haven't already.
I wish you well AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): You have no need to worry that this woman will end up dating your guy - she has far more sense and far better options. She knows he is immature and got little to offer. IF she knew that he was wnking over her photos I think she would be disgusted and end the so called friendship. It is not a friendship. It is a guy who drools over someone and hangs around her like a moth to the flame whenever he gets the chance, dreaming of more.He is the sort of guy who has to pay to ring sex chat lines for a fix regularly. Not the sort of guy I would want as a friend, let alone as a partner.Only you know what you will tolerate but don't kid yourself he will change or keep promises. He will do whatever he wants, hiding it from you if he has to.I often wonder what makes women fall for such guys.When there are millions of better nicer men out there.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (3 September 2020):
 Did he just openly confess to you that he is masturbating over her facebook pictures?. I did you catch him in the act one day?.
I think he has crossed a boundary, he has gone further than just masturbating to regular porn, instead choosing to masturbate to a close friend. He is feeling a sexual attraction to her, and i don't think that you should put up with this behaviour.
Knowing what you know, it must feel awful knowing that they go out from time to time. I would not mind betting that if she knew he was jerking off to her photo's she would terminate their friendship.
He is disrespecting you, and even though you are aware he is doing this, he still continues to do so.
Major red flag OP. Not only is he disrespecting you, he is being a total creep. You can do better, you say you are considering leaving the relationship. Well i agree, i think this would be a wise decision.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 September 2020):
 Whenever I read "but i love him", I resign myself to there being little hope of anything really changing. Despite his behaviour, you love him. Despite feeling hurt by his actions, you will find ways to tolerate it.
I do wonder how you know about him masturbating over this "friend".
You SAY this is a deal-breaker for you but you, yet you haven't left him. It is no use threatening if you are not going to do anything to back up your words. If this is a deal-breaker for you, you need to walk away. But you already know that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): Us guys have lot's of ladies in our 'spank bank.' old girlfriends top the list. Next comes the girls we're dating but haven't been to bed with yet, next comes sexy girls we know but will be in bed with (you're guy's fb friend), then there's the random older ladies: MILF, crossing guard with killer body, deli lady etc.
I'm way older save all my swimmers for my wife. But I bet if I wrote down each one of my SB members it would be at least 2,000. We never act on these fantasies unless we're dating the girl. The problem is you somehow knowing. If he's openly jerking off in front of you, that's a big problem.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2020):
 Gross.
No, not all guys do this. Just the sleazy ones.
And I have to agree IF YOU think this is a deal-breaker... then it IS a deal-breaker and definitely time to end it. If you STAY you are saying that hi behavior IS OK. Even if you VERBALLY tell him this is unacceptable. HE will see you staying as you not REALLY minding all THAT much. Or that you are just mad he isn't doing this to your pictures....
Why do I say that? Because he seems seriously immature.
The whole "but I love him" is such a freaking cop-out! You can absolutely love someone and KNOW they are not a good fit.
You CAN NOT control him. It's not your job to tell him who he can be friends on FB with or really what he can watch and jerk off too. NOT your job. Not your monkey, not your circus.
What you CAN control is HOW you react to it. As is, LEAVE and find someone who has boundaries that are more in step with your own. HE doesn't give two flying F's about what you think or feel about this. As he sees it, he isn't cheating on you and when he jerks off she is just another body to watch as he does it.
My guess is, she wouldn't touch him with a 40 foot pole and he wouldn't REALLY want a GF who posts sleazy selfies that OTHER men look at, THAT is why they aren't dating.
You have already wasted 6 months on this guy. Move on and find someone who is a better match.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): I would leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): You sound weak and you lack conviction in your own morals and beliefs. This guy is not your boyfriend. A real boyfriend would be loyal and loving and kind, caring how you feel. This guy just sees you regularly to get sex off of you. He has no respect for you whatsoever. He would get sex anywhere he can, if he is lucky enough. That is not a boyfriend. You know this. So why are you still with him?Forget the idea that you can explain to him that he hurt you or explain to him you think this is wrong. He will either say tough I do what I want or lie and pretend he is changing and then do it behind your back. His wishes and needs would come first and he would think oh dear, I am having problems with this one because she found out. Why are you struggling with this? It is clear to see that you are wasting your time with him? If he has said sorry I will not do it again or some such crap don't fall for it. He is just telling you what you want to hear so that he can keep you sweet until he gets bored with you.Guys like him go into chat rooms and say to total strangers who they believe to be women "hey, what are your measurements, is it tight, let's fuck" they do not respect women at all. To them they are just blow up dolls that they hang around with to get their end away.I am sure you can do better than that.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (3 September 2020):
No, all guys don’t do this! I’d feel exactly the same as you. I also don’t mind my bf using porn (unless it impacts on the relationship) but not when he’s getting off to women he knows. I bet he wouldn’t like it one bit if you were doing the same thing with a male friend’s photos.
I get that sexuality is really important to men, but I am getting pretty sick of this idea that some men have that women should just suck up crappy and disrespectful behaviour because their right to get off is more important. The fact he doesn’t care you are upset and hasn’t offered to fix this suggests to me he is such a man and I’d tell him to take a hike personally. There are loads of men out there that would never behave like this.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2020):
 " I think this is a dealbreaker ". Then, break the deal .
" I am ok with porn and random strangers but not with close friends "- then, why are you still with him ? You think, and you say, that this behaviour is not ok with you, but by staying with him you show him otherwise , you endorse the behaviour you criticize !
Set your own boundaries, define your moral do's and don't s.
Don't wait for what " all the guys " or " most of the guys " or " many guys " do. All guys do not do this, but in any case, so what ? Would you feel better, more loved, more desired, more respected, if you knew there are other men doing the same ?
This is like the battered wife of an abusive husband saying. " Well, when he beats me up it does not hurt- because there are many other women who get beaten up by their husbands ".
The heck it does not hurt ! A punch is always a punch, a slap is always a slap- even if there are hundreds of other women getting punched or slapped too !
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