A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm feeling quite sad and upset tonight. Seeking some advice on how to process what I am feeling and/or what to do about it.I wrote for advice a month ago (I think) about this topic, but at that time it was focused on how my daughter talked to her father about me.Today, I'm stressed about the finance. My ex-husband has decided once again to cut child support. (No we don't have a court order because I had chosen not to go that route as he didn't have a stable job 10 years ago when we divorced, so I was OK with him not paying or paying whatever he can when he did have a job.) Today, he makes more money than me, because he put in hours and went back to school, whereas I switched jobs a lot due to the need for a flexible schedule to care for my two kids who were young at that time. SO, today, with him making more than me, he decided to cut my child support annually.. more and more deducted. Starting this month he went from $1,600 to $1,200. He said it's because he pays more taxes and since starting this year, I'm claiming the kids, he needs to take money away from Child Support to pay taxes. He said that is only 'FAIR'. I make less than him, still have to pay taxes, and basically use most of my income for my children. Both children have everything they ever want, travel, and eat well. I use all of my income to provide the best life I can for them. WHY does their father have the option to deduct whenever he wants to? I never have the option to deduct time or expense towards my children. My son is still in Middle School in Private School.. we split the tuition in 1/2. Recently I purchased $250 in School Uniforms, so I told the dad to pay for school books which amount to $150. The dad started complaining to me asking me why he has to pay the $150 in school books. He again said I'm taking advantage of him and it's not fair. I paid $250 in uniforms and never asked for that money back.. why is he complaining that when he only needs to pay $150 in school books? HOW is it I'm taking advantage of him??? This is NOT FAIR TO ME!! I'm a single mom who has dedicated my entire life for my kids.. all of my time and my money. It's SO NOT FAIR that he gets to deduct from child support whenever he wants and says I'm taking advantage of him! I'm SO UPSET! I have nothing and want nothing to do with him.. he is only paying HIS SHARE for the kids... HOW am I taking advantage and WHY does he get to bail out whenever he wants to. Thing is, the kids don't realize how he is.. I just wish someone can side with me and understand me.
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divorce, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (5 September 2020):
 I'm going to take a different view here. I think $1200 is rather high.
If you're struggling this hard then it's time to review your budget.
Kids don't need the absolute best of everything all the time. Do you want them to stress themselves out doing the same when they come of age?
Live within your means, and teach your children to do the same.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (4 September 2020):
 There is only one way around this.
Get a lawyer now, go to court and get this sorted.
Don't give him the heads up on what you're going to do, just do it.
Let the courts decide what they think is fair for him to pay. Get it legalized and insist that on top the maintenance all other extraneous costs such as books, school uniform etc gets purchased and then each parent pays 1/2. Then it's fair.
I hope it works out ABx
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 September 2020):
 OP, there is nothing that any of us can do other than give advice that we have already given. You can either be upset and complain but do nothing...OR you can try to make new arrangements with your ex and if that doesn't work then seek legal advice. With no legal backup, you are at your ex's mercy unless you step up and do something to change that. That's really all there is to it. Good luck and I hope you decide to do something rather than just be upset and expect your ex to be nice because you had a spoken deal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2020): You answered your own question. You don't have a structured or legal court-order that determines what he should pay. He can do as he pleases; because you allow him to.
We cannot give you advice that means squat; when you have made up your own mind that you will give him a break. If there was an enforceable court order, he can't just pay whatever or whenever he pleases.
Is this about you or the children?
If it was about the children, they'd be getting court-ordered child-support on a prompt and steady basis. You threw it in there that they're getting all they need, then why is child-support even an issue?
You're trying to stay on their daddy's good side, and he's playing you for a sucker. Meanwhile, you're authorizing him to short-change his kids; when he should be paying now that he can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2020): Yes I remember your post a couple of weeks back.Vent all you like but unless you make things legal you just have to suck it up. Here in the UK, child support includes everything!!! Any extras are discretion of the father.In the US I understand things are different, but only if court ordered.Personally I think $1200 is a good deal. If the kids are getting everything they want then great but if you think about what you pay ontop of what Dad pays - each $1200 I assume? That's $2400 per month on the kids! That's a huge amount!Some women get absolutely nothing! It's not your ex's role to provide for you, just his kids! You say he should have paid $150 but why when he already paid $1200? Where did that go this month?I'm not trying to get at you, i am simply trying to make you see that you actually have a good deal and you need to take a step back and think positively about this. Be grateful for his support and don't focus so much on what he doesn't give but what he DOES!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2020):
 This is what happens when people don't LAGALIZE a support agreement.
Legally? You have no leg to stand on. I know that sucks financially, but you made an agreement that he could pay what he was able to NOT what you would want.
So what can you do? Well, you CAN look into suing him for child support through the system, but that can also mean you will "only" get $800-1,000.
Or you can contact a lawyer/mediator and have a SIT down with your husband and go over the COST of the kids. Which means maybe some months you get more, some you get less.
Or you can consider that you CAN NOT rely on him to support the kids and you. Which means you need to retrench and redo your OWN household budget with the lesser amounts. YOU have chosen to have your kids in private schools. And whatever sports/activities they want. You might also live in a WAY more expensive neighborhood, house, apartment etc. than YOU can afford alone. Maybe that isn't really realistic.
I fully agree with CindyCares, you are RELYING on an agreement that he no longer wants to honor.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2020):
 Get the court to side with you and understand you ! the rest is, and can only be, all fluff... talk... opinions ... points of view. I am not saying that you have no right to be upset and to feel taken advantage of... probably you do. But we only have your side of the story, and for all we know your ex husband may have other 7 children to support or a serious , degenerative illness which allows him to work and earn NOW but not in future... or whatever other situation or conditions which , according to the experienced , competent, °legally binding° decision of a judge, may contribute decreasing, or , au contraire, increasing the amount he pays for child support. The court should decide that.
You can't count on your gentleman's agreement, because, as you can see , ... he is not behaving like a gentleman. So, if you disagree about the how, how much and when, the only sensible solution is to involve a third competent party whose opinion, again, is legally binding.
What does it matter if 10 years ago ! you did not want to go that route ?? that was ten years ago, things change, chidren's needs change, incomes change. If then it was human and reasonable not to go for the jugular with a father without a fixed income (... although, if you ask me, and if you had asked the judge, probably : that's strictly HIS problem ! It was up to him to GET asap a stable job and a stable income so he could support his children ! ) anyway, if you took that decision ten yers ago, it does not mean that it is still appropriate today and adequate to the needs of your children, and to your current disparity in income. Wise up !
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