A
female
age
36-40,
*ophiaCT
writes:I feel very desperate I need help before I completely break down.It was love at first sight. And for 2years we had never experienced such immense happiness while being with someone. We really fell in love. We had all those typical talks that couples have about future plans but more so created by him. And one day I discovered I was late and very pregnant(2months). I told him and after lots of mixed messages saying he'd support me he eventually finished with me, that line which I'm now hearing is typical for a guy (I don't want a gf and a baby). Basically if I have an abortion he's with me if I don't he's not.I was distraught and there isn't anything that could explain how distraught I really was, the man who loved me has dropped me because of a baby that I strongly felt I could not terminate. I wanted to jump.So I'm 6months now and we are on good terms. he is so in love with this baby we are expecting, he is all gooey at the idea. Its lovely to see but when it comes to me he is happy to just leave us as we are. Close friends. And it makes me feel ill. He's very affectionate but I know its not in a boyfriend way. I can see in his eyes he still loves me but nothing is being done to even work out our relationship. We are living apart and that's how it will always be, indefinately as that's what he wants. I have been living in this lie that I am ok with seeing him and his family while not being with him as his woman. I am travelling down a road he set for me because of his selfish wants. What about me? I want to work us out, I want us to be together. We don't have to live together or get engaged I just want us to work it out. How can he just stop. I just want to die or run so far away that I will never be found. I love my baby and want a healthy baby which is the only only only reason I haven't hit the bottle, took pills or disappeared. I can't do this. I was even thinking the only way to escape how much I love him was to give him our precious baby and then run far. Atleast the baby would be with one parent. I just can't cope anymore, I have been the bigger and better person in this but its weighing me down and depressing me that this could have happened while we were in such a bubble of happiness. I've talked to my family and they don't know what to say. I have nobody. Please someone help me. I don't want our relationship to be over but if it is I can't cope and need to escape this pain.
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abortion, engaged, fell in love, mixed messages Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Sometimes we wish we found an umistakable sign that would tell us exactly how to act in a given situation. In matters of the heart, sometimes the signs are there but we don't see them because we don't want to. If you, dear poster, were sure that he doesn't love you, you would still be in love with him and would still want him to give you another chance. So, your problem is not knowing things for certain, but, instead, the fact that you love him.
If you go back to Southampton, he will go after you if he loves you. If he loves his baby, he will go there as well. There is your certainty. And, if he doesn't go after you, you will know what to expect as well.
I think you need to go back to Southampton.
I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, SophiaCT +, writes (30 September 2008):
SophiaCT is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI love him and if I walk away I'm really gonna have to be certain I'm doing right. His family and friends know he loves me, infact whenever I see them they won't accept the truth.
My family live in Southampton and I'm only here in Manchester because of him and the baby now. So if I leave, I really leave.
I really appreciate all your help. I have gone to see someone but they do not answer my questions they just ask more and more and I'm left feeling the same way plus they are more concerned with the time.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 September 2008):
What do you want him back for?
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A
female
reader, SophiaCT +, writes (30 September 2008):
SophiaCT is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to tell him how I feel and ask for another go at our relationship.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (30 September 2008):
I fully agree with Lazy Guy. The sooner you realize you're alone in this, the better, since you will be able to act, instead of just react or just letting things happen.
That idea of taking pills was a very bad one, by the way. I don't think he's worth giving up your life.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (30 September 2008):
 I understand that your emotions will be all over the place with having a baby but honestly, it is time to take stock of the situation and see it for what it is. You are setting yourself up as a total victim to this man - your happiness and quality of life does not depend on him. It is unfortunate he led you up the garden path by promising you a lovely life and then saying he didn't want a family but life is full of disappointment. You have to focus your energy on your baby and stop seeing this guy for a while as he has a toxic effect on you. He will never be what you hope for him to be and you don't have a magic wand to change him. You have to be an effective role-model for your child to demonstrate how adult relationships should work and how they shouldn't stand for rubbish off other people. Of course this guy has rights of access to his child when you give birth, but he doesn't have rights of access to your heart - that is something he isn't entitled to since he behaved badly. If you keep seeing him in your current state of mind you will continue to be his doormat to step on as he likes. This is a case of loving yourself more than someone else, and protecting your child. You showed the courage to continue with the pregnancy against his wishes and you will find that courage to be a good parent.
It is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and mourning the relationship that never was, and time to prepare for motherhood. It is exhausting enough without hoping for a restoration of your relationship with the father. It is also the most amazing experience ever and your baby will show you the sort of unconditional love that will heal your pain.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 You need to wake up. He was never the nice guy you thought he was. A nice guy doesn't drop his pregnant gf, neither does he then keep her on the side as a new novelty toy.
You can see in his eyes that he still loves you.
Oh dear god. That is a line young girls can use. Not single mothers. Love is not in the eyes, nor words, nor thoughts. It is in actions. His actions speak volumes.
He loves deeply.
Himself and NOBODY else.
The sooner you accept that EVERYTHING has been a lie in this affair, the sooner you will be ready to deal with being a single mother.
You might be able to get child support from him, although I wouldn't count on it but the last thing your child need is a father who will be there only when it suits him.
You probably don't need it either, forever to be single at his beg and call whenever he feels like playing house.
You feel like you can't cope. Well, though. You are now a mother and mothers have to cope.
As for giving the baby to him, yeah, that is a smart idea. He isn't ready to commit to you, what makes you think he is willing to commit to a child?
What, because he said so? He said he loved you. That he wanted a future with you.
Wake up honey, he is a liar. Either give the kid up for adoption or raise the baby yourself. With goverment support it is possible. Lets face it. Lots of women are in your position because they made the same mistake. Got pregnant with a guy who spoke of love but never acted on it.
As for why guys like him do this? Because it works. So far he has gotten EXACTLY what he wants. It seems to be working out rather nicely for him. Stop playing his game.
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A
female
reader, tammye17  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Hello there, iam sorry for what u are going throught and i hurt for you, because i've been there, except that you are braver than i was. I dont even know where to start but this guy sounds very selfish, he wanted u to abort and know he's all happy with he baby, and u did the right thing doing what u think is right, keeping the baby, i hate to say this but you can't force anyone to be with you with a baby or without. If this guys does not see all the love you can offer him and the happyness you can bring to him then he is not worth of your love. it's fine if he wants to be there for the baby, but dont hang on to something thats going to hurt you even more than the road. sooner or later he's going to regret it. I'am sure ur a beautiful person inside and out. is he worth you drinking and taking drugs and messing up your life. NO, not him or anyone. Your baby should be your strenght and hapyness. I know it hurts but time heals, and if you need to let some emotions out writing them is a good way to cope, iam here if you ever need a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): How did it take you 2 months to discover you were pregnant?
Anyway, that aside, although circumstances are not ideal, i do not see that he is being all that selfish, although clearly in your eyes he is. I do not understand why you think you have been the 'bigger and better person in this.' From what you say he seems to be very keen to be a father to the baby, and that is what really matters here. You say what about you, well, he is the father of the child but he doesn't want to be with you. His duty is to be a father to the baby. It doesn't sound as if he is being unpleasant, but it is your feelings getting in the way. You wanted the baby and he is going to support that. You are not married so I suppose he doesn't see that he has to stay with you too.
However, what set off the warning bells for me is that you said you would take pills if it wasn't for the baby. No man is ever worth harming yourself for. What does it achieve? it won't make anything better. Your focus has to be on the baby- these sort of feelings are completely irrational. You wanted the baby, so you need to focus on that now. You have made your choice, now deal with the consequences of that. I would, however, suggest that you perhaps get some psychiatric help because the way that you talk here is a little concerning and both you and your baby need protecting if you are getting driven to such extremes by your emotional problems.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): Dear Sophia,
I really feel for you and what you are going through. At 6 months pregnant you will also be feeling very emptional too so your feelings will be all over the place. Now i can promise you when that baby is born you are going to love and adore it and never want to be parted from it so any thoughts you may now have about you handing the baby over to his family and then doing a runner will immediately disappear.
From what you have written it appears that he was very much in love with you and then when you fell pregnant he wasn't so keen anymore, but now the baby is well along the way he is interested again but only in the child. His initial lack of interest leads me to believe that he may not be as interested in you two having a relationship as you are. You obviously want so much more but i don't think this is forthcoming from him. He does not appear to discuss your future as a couple only now focussing on the baby. So as not to upset yourself any further and make yourself ill in your condition I would put out of your head the thought that there is going to be a future for you with him. Totally blank out that thought, stop trying to engineer any conversations round to it and leave it be. Just look after yourself and your child. I do not know why he feels the way he does but at the moment it does not appear that you are going to be able to change his mind or alter his views so let it go, stop trying and concentrate on number one. You may find once the baby is born his feelings change once again. I know you love him and want a happy family unit but as I have found often in life you don't immediately get what you want and sometimes you never get it. Busy yourself with organising the birth, pampering you and leave him out of the equation. If you can be cool and more distant all well and good.. Do not cling on to any hopes or interpreting looks that he really cares etc, just distance yourself. The only way to cope with men who participate but are not really there for you is not to let it bother you. At this stage you will be tired and up and down emotionally all the time but if you take a different mindset that he is not interested then at least you will not waste any more emotion on trying to get him to commit to you. His family have been bound to have said what are you going to do etc and they may work in your favour. Ensure you are pleasant, keep the moral high ground and be nice to them and they may help you. Things will get better and it will be different when your baby is born. Look on it as just you and your baby and he is an extra to the two of you. Very best of luck,
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