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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I am a 19 year old female and I've recently have been having sex with my boyfriend of 2 years. I lost my virginity to him. Yes, we are being safe and using both birth control and condoms. My parents recently found out because I have been spending most weekends with him at his apartment. They have been questioning me and making me feel awful about the whole situation to be honest. My father straight out said 'A, you better not be out having sex' and it completely embarrassed me. Why are they acting like this?I nicely explained to them that i love my boyfriend and we are being safe and using protection, and that while I respect them being concerned, I am an adult and should be allowed to make my own decisions regarding sex and they shouldn't be so angry and freak out about it. They still dont seem happy, and now I feel very uncomfortable in front of my dad because he knows I'm having sex and doesn't like it, it's just really weird. My parents are not religious or anything. I mean it's just sex, which is normal and natural right? Why are my parents acting so weird about it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2015): This may not be the best advice, but I would just try and avoid the topic with your parents. They know the cat is out of the bag, so my guess is they are going to resign themselves to your having sex.
Also, you might try to cut them some slack. They probably are trying to look out for you, even if you disagree.
Are you still living with them?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): No matter how careful they are, women who have sex run the risk of becoming pregnant at any time.
Unless you are financially, emotionally and physically able to raise a child completely on your own then your parents have a vested interest in your sex life considering they're likely to be the ones supporting any out-of-wedlock grandchild that may result.
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female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (10 May 2015):
 You sound like a smart young woman and also respectful of your parents. You would hope that they would be happy that you are being smart, but I'm a parent and I will be honest, its rather disturbing thinking of your children having sex. I'm afraid there isn't much you can do to change their minds but you have handled in a nice manner. Thats all you can do. It is true that even when our children become adults many of us parents still think of them as little and its just hard to grasp that they are on their own, making their own decisions. It certainly isn't the right way to think..but its often how we parents think. I hope your parents will come around and be happy that you are happy and being sensible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Just one question. If you get pregnant to whom would you run for help? I don't care what most of the aunts say, I say having sex outside wedlock is risky to say the least. Do you know how hard it is for a single mom to get a job or even to work when she has a little baby demanding her full care and attention all day and night?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2015):
 I think you handled it very well, OP. With assertiveness but also respect.
What lacks in your attitude,and that of some other poster, is a bit of empathy.
Yes, you are doing everything right, you are having sex , but you are an adult using birth control and protection with one partner ( no promiscuity issues here ), so why are your parents weirded out ?
They are weirded out because they are your parents, OP. Part of them will keep seeing you FOREVER like that sweet gap-toothed little girl with pigtails that you were at 6 , it feels just strange to think of you as sexually active.
Also, sex is not shameful but is private ,personal intimate and and nobody, I think, likes to be blatantly cinfronted with their close relatives' sexuality, it may be stupid but it is so. I mean, do you LIKE having to THINK about your Dad and Mom having sex ? Probably not, yet, they aren't doing anything wrong, right ? It's just that when you do something, like sleeping out, which changes the schedule and habits at home, and spells out a bit too clearly what you are up to... it just feels too close for comfort, as irrational as it may sound.
Another thing is, many parents are protective, and some overprotective, and they worry. They worry a lot. You are using contracception, and there's nothing more that you can do, - but some times even the best contracception lets you down resulting in an unwanted pregnancy, which is an unappealing idea for most parents. So maybe, ideally they would want you to abstain until you'll be actually able to take care of a possible kid of yours- which , we know, and they know, it's not very realistic, and yet...
Last but not least, a different value assigned ro sex, and they do not need to be bigots or troglodites to see it differently from you. You say sex is natural- it is - it is " just sex ", and, I am guessing but I think I can assume you have a realistic attitude about this. You know that maybe this guy you love, you love him now ,but he is not " the one ", more probably you will grow and evolve in different directions, so he is not your final choice, you'll stay with him until it works , and then you'll have another sex partner and another and another etc.... until you'll decide to settle for the final one.
Now , this is a realistic , sensible attitude in my eyes,.. but I am not your parent. Maybe your parents are more conservative, or just more romantic, they like the idea of ONE love, of waiting for the right and final and everlasting partner; they feel it won't be him, and, well, they would prefer to see you able to wait for Mr. Right.
All of this not to say that they are right about butting into your sexual business, and maybe they are a tad old fashioned - just to show you that they are not trying to make you feel bad about yourself , or to cramp your style, they are just a bit frazzled and confused having to cope with what until yesterday was their little girl and today is an adult woman with wants ,needs and values different from theirs.
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reader, mfj78  +, writes (10 May 2015):
Hi there,Im sorry you are having this issue. Im sure its frustrating and causing embarrassment. Although I agree with the other responses that your parents are being over bearing, I also appreciate that for some parents it is hard to accept that their daughter has rapidly become a grown woman and no longer their little girl who needs protecting. It can be hard for caring, loving parents to let go in that respect. Especially as teenagers grow up so much so fast now.It can be hard for parents, particularly those who were brought up in a different era regarding sex, to accept that their "child" is now sexually active with all the POTENTIAL issues that it raises. Its great that you are using birth control and condoms but sadly a lot of people your age are not as careful or as sensible as yourself. That makes many parents worry and fret, no matter how sensible their siblings. Its not so much a reflection of you but, talking generally, many young adults feel mature enough to have sex and want their independence from their parents, but its mom and dad who have to deal with the fall out from mistakes and accidents and have their lives effected by their childrens choices. Yes as an adult you have the right to make your own decisions regarding sex and as you pointed out it is a perfectly natural, normal part of adult life. But it comes with risks to our health, potential for contraceptive failure (no methods are 100% reliable) as well as emotional fall out, people getting carried away or (and this is sometimes the case with younger people) using contraception incorrectly or misunderstanding birth control. Yes it is "just sex" but, again in a general sense, if a young adult lives with parents and/or rely on them financially then those decisions THEY make could, potentially, have a huge effect on your THEIR PARENTS lives without the parent having any choice in the matter. That's why so many parents worry - if they hand their young adult child full control over sex then they have no say in the outcome but can end up dealing with the reprocussions in many cases. In this instance you sound very clued up and sensible and I wish all 19 year olds were as mature as yourself. But for your parents I can understand the worry, although I agree that the way they are going about expressing that is badly done. You are doing nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel in any way embarrassed or ashamed or weird about being sexually active. Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): What I find very objectionable about situations like this is that, even though parents might be entitled to their own views on sex and can express those views to their kids, these kind of parents often tend to bury their heads in the sand and ignore the issue of sex altogether and then start freaking out and bullying the adult child, making him or her feel both confused and ashamed - when the parents never took responsibility in the first place for raising a mature and sensible discussion about it much earlier on. What were they expecting? That you remain a virgin until marriage? If so, they are entitled to express that expectation, although not hold you to it because IT IS UP TO YOU what you do - but my point here is that in many cases parents like this don't even mention sex at all until they fear losing control of their now adult kid.I'm a Mum with an adult child and I actually was open (but not pushy and did not blur boundaries) about sex when I was bringing up my daughter. I did not find this easy because I had grown up in a family far more repressed than yours, where sex was never mentioned. It caused all sorts of problems, so I decided that I would at least try to treat my own daughter differently so that she could make the best choices for her. I told my own daughter at a young age what sex was. And when she was a young adolescent I told her that it was her decision when she wanted to start having sex BUT to bear in mind that, as a young woman, there are still many judgements made in regard to how a woman expresses her sexuality. She is in a loving relationship with a partner of four years now. Your parents are behaving very immaturely. But the other respondent is correct up to a point - they were probably brought up to be very repressed about sex. HOWEVER, they have a duty to their own daughter to move on with the times and to GROW UP about this issue. Just because their own upbringing repressed them, it doesn't make it right to do the same to you. As parents we have to take responsibility for creating positive change.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 May 2015):
 They were probably shamed by their parents, and raised to see sex as a negative. I dont think it has much to do with you, this is about them and their view on sex.
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female
reader, MSA +, writes (10 May 2015):
 I'm sorry but you're not going to like this...Ouch.. When I read "I mean it's just sex"... It's so much more than JUST SEX.I understand how you feel that at age 19 you are already an adult and if you want to have sex, you should be able to without any interferance from your parents or anyone else.You sound mature for your age and it's definitely a good thing that you are taking precautions. Your mother carried you in her womb for so many months. Your parents raised you and watched you grow from a baby til now. Of course they are protective and want nothing but the best for their princess!! Can you try to understand how hurt they feel knowing that a guy took away their daughter's virginity at such a young age? A guy that you will probably not end up marrying? They just love you dearly, that's all. Try to understand that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2015): Ignore them. They are reacting like over bearing controlling parents. You behaved sensibly and calmly. As you say you are an adult and sex is normal. If they continue their attempts to humiliate and shame you then reduce your contact with them for a while. You have nothing to prove. If my daughter is as sensible as you at 19 then I would be proud not angry.
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