A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:ok so i know to a lot of people this would sound like a ridiculous question and i would deny it was true if it was happening to someone else but it's not and i'm having a really hard time convincing myself that there's nothing wrong with me.So to start out i'm already really really insecure for tons of reasons, but mostly because i don't view myself well. but besides that point there were a few people that said they really liked me and i believed them. i've only been in 2 relationships and one instance where it got hot and heavy with a female friend..but stopped before any major thing happened..... So the first one, he was really sweet and he made me feel like we really could have a future together. After about a year he asked me to marry him. i was so excited i said yes. i mean we did have problems but i believed it was nothing we couldn't fix. Well it got to the point where i told him he had to either want to be in a relationship or tell me before we got married. The problem was he had gone home to take care of a family member that was sick. i was going to join him in a few months when i finished my classes. I kept trying to find out what was going on but he didn't speak to me at all...for 6 months..and according to his sister he was out partying all night and stuff. he broke it off, telling me he didn't want a relationship.Then insert relationship #2. he seemed like a nice guy and he was practically the only responsible one in his group of friends...so we hit it off. Then he tried to rape me....i didn't know what to do. i mean its wrong for me to feel this way, but he made me feel guilty for being afraid of him after that. he made me feel like it was my fault for what happened. When i told him i didn't want to see him again...what he'd done hurt me too much..he threatened to kill himself if i didn't come back to him. I didn't know what to do, i was so lost....i didn't go back, but it caused real problems.So now to my problem, as if that's not enough, i'm starting to really and seriously think there's something wrong with me. I can't help but feel that everything that's happened is my fault. it's my fault my ex fiance stopped talking to me period, it's my fault that my most recent ex went too far...logically i know it's not but it feels like that. All i can think about is why didn't i just drop everything immediately to go with him, forget school and just be there for him whether or not what his family member had was benign. Why didn't i just tell my recent ex i didn't want to be with him in the first place and this never would have happened.so while i know there's probably no advice someone could give me, i just need someone to listen because it's really causing problems :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, we are only speaking about two bad relationships and most women need to kiss a few toads before they find their prince. Just be selective in the choice of your mates and keep in mind that 's better being alone than being mismatched.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Relationships will come and go during your lifetime; some end and that's o.k. If you are feeling bad about yourself, feeling excessively guilty, or feeling lost and confused about life and relationships I would suggest seeing a licensed psychologist. It's great to talk on-line but talk therapy with a Phd. could possibly resolve some of your negative feelings and help you sort it all out. (But find one you feel comfortable with, if you don't like them after a first visit don't go back-there are plenty of bad counselors out there.) I saw a licensed psychologist for a year to sort out/cope with family issues. Now that my treatment is complete I really miss visiting with my doctor. I wish I would have done it 10 years earlier!The guy that tried to rape you is most likely a rapist, a manipulator, a sociopath, and or a narcissist. Your story is typical of a "date rape." 70% of rapists know their victim before they strike and 1 in 4 women in the U.S. have been sexually assaulted. Guilt is the predominant feeling that victims have. Please avoid contact with this guy at all costs. I would even warn other women who could be potential victims (if it is safe for you to do so) and also contact your local sex crimes department at your city's police headquarters. (They might be interested to know there is a sexual predator lurking around) If you want more info. on sexual assault and how to protect yourself you can visit YWCA.org.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
 If your first boyfriend was truly in-love he would have came back to you or waited for your classes to be over. You should be thankful you did not end up marrying him because this is a person who you really couldn't depend on and he would have walked out on you.
When you say NO to sex is no and is never never your fault a person can not force you, did he have a rapers face when you met him. How could you know he was an evil person.
You have two negative relationship experience from your past, and the past is what going to makes you a strong women in the future. Those are just stepping stones you stumble across to find true happiness in your future. You are young and just keep your eyes open and when you least expect it love is going to be knocking at your door.
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Hmm... That is a bit of bad luck, I agree. But I don't think you're the cause.
I believe in fate. I think that everything happens for a reason. For example, obviously, these 2 guys weren't right for you. They had alot of problems. Don't think so much of it, you're a better person than to dwell on such things.
I'm positive that you will find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
I think your first ex wasn't ready to commit to a relationship, which is his misfortune, but it's not your fault.
As for your second ex, he wasn't responsible. That's most likely a mask he wore to win some affection.
I hope I helped you out with this. :)
And just remember... the world is full of crazy people. Haha.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): There is nothing wrong with you. It is them. You need to beleive in yourself and just know you are right. No one can make you feel anything you don't allow yourself to feel. Only you have control over your feelings.
So STOP-IT.
You are so very young. Listen things happen outside our control - we cannot control others. The only thing we have control over is our thoughts and our actions.
So you live and you learn, you make better choices for youself. Listen to that voice inside you, when it starts to go off listen to it.
You are responsible for making yourself happy. And you need to love YOU first and foremost. No matter what you are perfect as you are - Beleive it. And I promise you will feel it.
So now - forget about men for a while put them our of your mind. They will alyays be there - trust me. Figure out what you want, what makes you happy, enjoy your life, live have fun. Don't worry about things you cannot control - whats the point of worring you cannot control it anyway - right.
Have faith in life - everything happens for a reason. Just get up in the morning, be grateful you are not sick in some hostipal or born in a 3rd world country. Get dressed, take it a day at a time. And life will reveal itself to you. Enjoy the journey. You will be so much more free and happy. I promise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Just be ur self someone who is right for u will come along and u shouldn't have to change anything. Just be open and give the men a chance to c who u are and want u as bad as u want them
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A
female
reader, iloveyhoo  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 Ok so you cant blame yourself with this.
Everything happens for a reason, and obviously this wasnt meant to happen. But theres a time for everything, its all a part of life..
Just when you next find someone who seems like that special someone, dont keep them to distant but dont keep them REALLY close. Spread the time out more, dont rush into things, and be careful with the choices you make.
Your right theres not much advice i can give, but good luck with your future, and trust, something good will come across soon and it will work out!
Just now obviously isnt the time x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): #1 Guy - Basically still a child.
#2 Guy - Basically still a child with no regard for your feelings. And psychotic.
Your friends have most likely already told you this but you can do much better. Besides, you have a long future ahead of you.
The only fault that I can find in you is your bad luck. Give it some time and you will find someone decent (and normal). Take it slow and let the relationship grow into a healthy tree.
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A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
 its not your fault that these things have happened to you... every woman me included has been in situations with guys that makes them think as if there is something wrong with them... for example i was in a physically and mentally abusive relationship for 3 and a half years. figure yourself lucky that you got your warning early... the first guy probably has commitment issues, isnt it better that you found that out before you got married and ended up disrupting childrens lives.... the second guy seems to be very controlling and manipulative im sure your happy that it came out before you landed in hospital because you didnt do as he asked...
my advice to you is feel beautiful, improve the things you dont like in your appearance if thats whats hindering you... once you feel more confident you will be able to be direct and say no before it goes to far... also be a bit more cautious dont get too caught up in the moment always keep your heart out of it until you have a clear picture of the person you want to bring into your life... gud luck!
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