A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After having a baby 5 months ago me and my husband are not getting along and we dont have sex? What can we do to save the marriage? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 are u close to his mom? if so, perhaps u should have her as a mediator, between u two, so she can also confirm to him that as women, u go thru hormonal rollercoasters after birth etc. like the others, i agree u gave little or no extra info on the probs u both have had,including during pregnancy. when i had my last daughter, shes 4 months old now, my mom in law came down for 6 weeks to live with bf and i. we were having severe issues and we almost broke up while she was down. she defended me in front of him, but was also fair to point out my faults and she also pointed out his. in the end, as frustrating as it was, we survied the crisis and we are going head strong today. thankfully, my mom in law and i are very very close, we talk about everything and anything together, and shes told me many family secrets, and opened herself up to me emotionally about her own probs in life. its to ur benefit to have a close knit relationship to ur husbands mom. for me, my bfs mom takes no sides, but rather points out faults for us both. shes helped my bf to see the womens issues at a diferent viewpoint, but, shes also made me to be sensitive to the fact he is at the recieving end to all my negativity and my bad days etc. so we both grew a little morew and matured and came to understand we both have to make a more conscious effort to make things work. and i believe u will need to do the same with ur husband, u need to understand that while its normal to be going thru hormonal changes, etc, and be frustrated taking care of a newborn, and whatever other daily conflicts that arise , finances etc,
it is NOT an excuse to let it run u amuck. u are still in control. as my bf once pointed out, guys have hormonal problems too, its called TESTOSTERONE. but u dont see some guys whining about it, or their daily problems etc. and u need to get a grip on things, and realize its ok to have a bad day, but letting it ruin ur day and ur husbands is not ok. ur hormones dont think for u. so u have to keep urself in check and know everything will be ok. but on a more serious note, u HAVE to make time for ur husband. u already know its taking a toll on ur marriage. everything in liofe involves effort and sacrifice. we know as parents we have to love our children, and be there for them as they are our first priority,not vacuuming the house, or washing the dirty dishes in the sink while ur baby cries, although it takes 5 minutes to do, they come first, because they dont understand and only know u are their lifeline. same goes for our relationships with our husbands or wives. nobodys saying have a sex marathon ever day all day, but sometimes quickies are better then long lovemaking, u will have to cut ur losses, maybe sex everyday might prove to be difficult, with the baby in the background it can be hard, but u do need to squeeze in 10 minutes when u know the baby is down, ur honey is home, loeave the laundry alone, the dinner dishes can be done later, go to him and seduce him, and he will be delighted at ur efforts. u need to find time when the baby is down to relax, like take a 15 minute hot soak in the tub, thats my "down time" at the end of the day to de-stress. find something that will help to ease ur mind. sure, it wont solve the problems, but, being positive about things and changing ur attitude will help. trust me, i have a 2 yr old and a 3 month old whos colicky, my 2 yr old is extremly hyper etc. i want to pull my hair out and scream everyday. but, i have to know its not fair to make my loved ones suffer because im stressed out. i analyze the situation, i tell my bf im stressed, i need some help with the kids so i can take a time out. if ur husband is off certain days, ask him to let u sleep in a little, let him take over a little for a shift, it might be hard, but, u have to learn to "let go", maybe he wont do things to ur satisfaction, like the cleaning etc. but as long as he does it, when u wake up, thank him, show him how much u appreciate his help. it worked for me. discuss with him when ur feeling down, go to him and just have him hold u, show u affection, show him u love his touch. it makes him feel loved, and needed. men are like kids too, and need constant reminders their ur sunshine in ur life. men need to de-stress too. ur husband is under stress too. not just u. so u cant be selfish and say ur going thru all these changes etc, what about him? have u ever thought or asked urself what kind of emotional rollercoaster hes undergoing? so, be a team, be united, be there for him when he needs u, and ask him to be there for u too, once in a while be spontaneous, give him sex when he least expects it, rub his back to allow him to relax too. when u want a warm bath, ask him to watch the baby for 20 minutes som u can relax, if the babys crying unconsollably and ur stressed out, put baby in safe place like crib, walk away even if baby is crying, take 5 minutes to collect ur thoughts, then go back to the baby. work out some kind of shift plan with ur husband so u can get breaks from baby. my bf and i have done it. hes on paternity leave, so he does night shift and i do day shift. worked out great and im more happier too. u need to believen everything will get better, at the end of every day, u should say, i had a good day today, and now i will try to conquer yet another day. good luck dear.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (18 March 2009):
You don't give any information so it's hard to advise you specifically.
Just sit him down and talk about your feelings and then really really listen to his feelings.
See a counsellor if that helps.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (18 March 2009):
 The term "baby blues" is a mild form of "post natal depression". It encompasses a broad range of conditions, and therefore one needs to understand which specifically that you are experiencing of which having sex may just be one.
Have a look at these sites, and you and your husband may be able to help yourself. Share these readings with your husband, and discuss it amongst yourself. If you think that is not enough, than perhaps a visit to the post-natal consultant in the hospital may be the next step. Baby blues could be caused by both hormonal changes in your body, as well as your psychological well being. There may be a self-help support group in your area too,
Some mothers experience pains for which there is no cause (other than tension and anxiety), many suffer difficulty in sleeping and poor appetite. Many depressed mothers lose interest in sex, and
feel guilty that they are not 'coping' as they feel they should be.
Understanding postnatal depression
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+postnatal+depression.htm
http://www.babyblues.co.uk/Post_Natal_Depression.htm
http://www.kiwifamilies.co.nz/Topics/Babies/Baby-and-You/Post-Natal-Depression.html
http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/27001306/
http://www.ivillage.co.uk/print/0,9688,171990,00.html
http://apni.org/The-Baby-Blues-and-Post-Natal-Depression.html#Top
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/problems/postnatalmentalhealth/postnataldepression.aspx
http://www.nhmrc.gov.au/publications/synopses/_files/wh30.pdf
http://www.nzs.com/new-zealand-articles/family/post-natal-depression-stress-and-baby-blues.html
Hope you you will soon beat the baby blues and return to your glowing self again!
Cat
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