A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I are in our mid 30's and have no children and been dating nearly two years. We live an hour and 10 mins drive apart and meet up mid week and week ends. He says because he doesn't earn much he can't afford to commute even further and says that he's not ready for commitment. I feel frustrated that we are not together and use a lot of time and diesel travelling and so does he. He says he needs to retrain as there is no chance of promotion and what's wrong with dating for 5 years before we decide. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): MyButtHurts is right in that you have to be ruthlessly pragmatic, but I don't think cornering him with ultimatums is the answer.Think about what you want from life then work out a time frame. Tell him your goals and ask him if he wants to be part of that. While he is making up his mind you are free to begin dating other men and make that clear to him. Car salesmen don't let people take cars out on a 5 year test run, nor do they turn away other buyers while someone is making up their minds. If property isn't treated this way then why should you be?To give you some peace of mind your chances of having a child later in life are better than you think. Women have been doing it for centuries, and still do today. I know several who have given birth in their late 30's and early to mid 40's. That doesn't mean drag your heels, but it also means don't stress yourself out about it.Personally I think this relationship has run its course so I wouldn't waste much more time with him.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 I'm sorry your man is a Time waster.
I'm in an LDR tomorrow is our six month anniversary. I drive 2 hours every weekend to go see him. NEXT JUNE he plans to move down here to me risking losing his job, and giving up everything he has known his whole life.
HE SHOULD KNOW already what he wants with you for life. if he does not then he's too indecisive but I'm pretty sure he knows and is just stringing you along.
IF you want kids you need to get a move on.
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A
male
reader, MyButtHurts +, writes (2 May 2011):
If you want children you need to be ruthlessly pragmatic. Odds are against you conceiving now and in another 5 years will be almost nil. If you never want children wait for him. If you want children issue an ultimatum and STICK to it. Sounds like you need to find another man.
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A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Regardless of how good and sincere this guy is (or not), I find both attitudes somewhat wrong. On one end: expecting you to wait forever and taking you for granted. On the other hand: counting time, putting pressure and expecting results. Do not deal with relationships like you deal with a job (expecting promotions, etc.)
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 May 2011):
 Or, you could wait 5 years only to have him say he decided he doesn't want it.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (1 May 2011):
 Maybe that works for him, but if it doesn't work for you then you need to tell him so.
If you already have and he is A. not listening or B. not willing to move things up, then I am afraid you'll have to move on without him.
You could wait 5 yrs for this guy only to have him say he needs 5 more... Who needs that?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 May 2011):
Does he ever want to get married? It can take 5 years to decide if you at all want to get married, regardless of the woman in the picture or not. It can take you a lifetime to decide if marriage is for you.
But if you already have decided that marriage is what you want in life, most people figure out if the person they are dating is marriage material within the first 6 months to second year. Having known each other for longer is great, but once you know you know. If you don't know after 2-3 years Im not sure if you will ever figure it out.
Im taking your age into account as well. You are both mature people who know yourselves well, you know who you are and what you want. If you were both 20 I would say waiting for 5 years is no big deal as you are still young and need to find your place in life. But you are in your mid 30's. You're all grown up and ready.
If he isn't ready.. perhaps he is one of those cases where he wont ever get ready, or want to settle down? Or perhaps you are just not the one to make him want to settle down and commit?
But before you jump ahead, have another serious talk with him to see where you stand in this relationship, and where it is heading.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Wow, how naive can you be? The guy won't commit because he doesn't want to, not because of anything else. He's biding his time until someone better comes along.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 May 2011):
Do you get the feeling this guy is just using you and mocking you? I do. I think he's totally wasting your time, and I think you can do a lot better than a guy who plays the 'money' button and expects you to wait around for 5 years.
Do better than him.
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