A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:First off thank u to whoever reads this, I'm so sorry that it's so long. Ok straight to the point: Im 20, BF is 25, been together about 2.5yrs aside from a breakup inbetween for a few months.Things were perfect until Sept'08. He started acting really immature (ie. starting literally baby-talking, I'm talkin googoogaaga, me baby, and having little temper tantrums when things didnt go his way). He then began with "joking comments" of fatty,pudgy, crazy, stupid. Then came his constant poking, pinching and what he calls "tapping" aka light slapping. He just does it to annoy me, not to hurt me, but he underestimates how strong he is and it does hurt. Oh and by the way he acts normal when we're with others or out in public.I have tried talking to him A MILLION times to stop this: to start acting his age, stop with the putdowns, and stop the physical annoyances. He won't take me seriously though. I tried doing things like "if u want to act like a baby i will treat u like one", ignoring the behaviour, explaining that I can't stand it etc. but nothing works. When I say he has to stop the behaviour his response is "what are u gonna do, leave me?"Now also in the past few months we've been arguing alot because I get frustrated so easily w/ his behaviour (its a daily occurence) and he gets frustrated w/ me because I am not very trusting. He is friends w/ lots of girls and during the time we broke up 2 years ago he dated someoen else behind my back so.Other things to note: he wanted to take down our relationship status on facebook at 1 point, wants to "take time apart" to make sure he wants a relationship, used to talk about the future and wanted to marry me and have kids and is now suddenly saying we've gotten "too serious" and doesn't think he wants kids anymore, makes joking accusations of me dating other guys behind his back, goes out to bars with girl friends but always has an excuse not to go when I want him to come out with me.Basically I don't know what to do. This relationship has BAD NEWS written all over it, but I am just so emotionally involved. He is my 1st real boyfriend and he was my 1st for EVERYTHING. I've never had to get over love before because he has been the only one. It's to the point he is driving me insane but it just seems like he is trying to push me to the point that I break up with him so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.And I think my biggest fears are: 1)seeing him with someone else, and 2)being alone. When he was with that other girl 2 years ago it almost killed me when I found out. It made me sick. And I just don't know how to be alone, we spend so much time together and I have so many memories that literally everything I do have, wear, see, go...it reminds me of him.Honestly, what do I do?
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female
reader, lola16182 +, writes (11 April 2009):
lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo now aside from everything going on with the boy, now my home life is all messed up. I am seriously losing it. For the past week my heart has been pounding, my entire body is constantly trembling, my appetite has decreased and I'm just so lost. I'm already on antidepressants and my dose was just uped at the beginning of this past week.
I went to my home away from school for Easter weekend and everything there is so dysfunctional too. My parents have been struggling with my younger brother who has become addicted to drugs and alcohol. The drugs make him very irritable and he comes and goes as he pleases, tells my parents off all the time, threatens to kill them, he's just a lost cause. They do everything to help him, have tried to get him to rehab, tell him to go live on his own to see how hard it is..to which his reply is if you kick me out I'll burn down your house. My mom wants to get him an apartment and give him a few monts rent to live on his own and my dad isn't sure if he should. So now my mom is saying my dad has three weeks and either her or my brother is going.
I have no place now that I can breathe or relax. In my school house it reminds me of the boy and it's so hard to deal with, and then I come home thinking I can relax and get away from all the problems and then there is this. I am so stressed out and feel like sinking into the ground. I just can't fathom losing my first boyfriend and my family breaking apart all within the same time period. Like seriously, why are people in this world so messed up?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2009): Lola, simply tell yourself to let go of those bad feelings, of course you are going to feel bad, and feel the loss of your boyfriend, but you can also just let it go after a bit and concentrate on your exams...that is what is most important right now.
If after two weeks, you want to call him, then do so. I hope you will wait at least a month to have any contact what so ever with him. You really need to get your self esteem back. You said in your post that he is making you miserable. We women often fall in love with a guy's potential instead of the actual guy....he isn't ready to be a serious boyfriend for any one, not just you.
He is really very immature and thinks that when you bring up issues in the relationship that you are criticizing him and creating drama. He isn't a mature man who hears that you need something else to happen and you are bringing it up to him because you care about the relationship. A mature man would be at his most supportive at this time, not turn on you like a littly yappy dog!
He isn't worth it and deep down you know this. You are scared of the unknown, of having to rearrange your life a bit and branch out and make some new friends and find new things to fill your time with. You WILL be happier if you just stick to your plan. Don't waste your time with this little boy, when your soul mate is out there wanting to find you..(and there are more than one soul mate out their for us, not just one) someone who can be in a relationship the way you want and need them to be.
So, hang in there, and focus on something other than him....like the books....you can do it, you are a strong girl, and that is why you know this isn't want you want for yourself....don't lose sight of what you really want and deserve.
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A
female
reader, lola16182 +, writes (5 April 2009):
lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's really hard you guys..it's only been 48 hours. I keep thinking of what he is doing and thinking. And I keep going back and forth questioning myself of whether I did the right thing...I miss having somebody here with me. I don't really know if I miss having him beside me...or if I just miss having SOMEONE beside me. And my mind keeps messing with me thinking that he is already out there trying to find someone new, that bothers me more than anything.I don't really kno how to deal with this part...it feels weird being the person that ended it but still wanting him and hoping he will change.I'm trying to stay busy, studying and stuff, but it's really getting to me already and its only been 2 days! I know its the right thing to do but it doesn't feel like the right thing...at least not now.
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A
female
reader, The_CityGirl  +, writes (4 April 2009):
 Wow! You go girl! I am so proud of you for standing up. You're a good role model for other girls with crappy boyfriends. I am sending one of my friends to your post!
Good luck with finals and STAY STRONG!
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Good for you girlfriend, you can do better, find a real man, they're out there....and best on your exams, get some sleep and eat well and don't think about moron.
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female
reader, lola16182 +, writes (3 April 2009):
lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey you guys...just thought I'd let you know that my anger took the stronger hold last night. I tried talking to him one last time and he was more concerned with playing on his computer and when I said are you even listening? His reply was "yeah blah blah blah". I lost it because he wouldn't even take it seriously and I said to him I couldn't take it anymore, and that obviously he would prefer acting immature and manipulative than having a girlfriend. I said I can't do this anymore...we're done.I said to him, I love you but you are making me so miserable when I'm with you that you are driving me insane and I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to throw away something that I have put so much into, but you don't try and obviously don't care so...
Then he decides to act serious and says everything is up to you (me) and that he also doesn't want to throw away something we have put so much into. So I told him well obviously you aren't trying. And he said this was his way of showing me how much I am annoying him with my wanting to know what's he's up to and getting mad at him for going out to bars and stuff with girls from school.
So long story short: we are now starting exams (yeah I'm in university going through finals now which makes it horrible timing) and decided I'm not going to deal with it now. I told him during exams we aren't going to hang out or see each other and then maybe he will realize how good he had it and how much he will realize he misses it.
This was the best I could do for now, even taking charge with something like this was outside my normal...I have like no self esteem & am relatively quiet so me actually taking charge, even if its just a start such as take 2 weeks away from me, it's a big step. Just thought I'd update you all that I finally found it in me to stand up for myself for once! Plus I figure...maybe these 2 weeks I can try to adjust and see what it would be like to be without him permanently..like maybe getting a head start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Lola, I think you would be doing yourself a great favor if you summoned up the courage and broke of this relationship and I mean for good. That means having no more contact with him including facebook, email, phone, texts, or running into him on purpose.
That way if you do the leaving, you are going to feel a whole lot better than if you wait for him to dump you. And I think this guy sounds like a bit of a nut, and your relationship is getting abusive. Him withholding sex is a violation, it is a lack of trust, affection and love and you don't deserve this, and I have no idea what makes a man want to do this to a woman he professes to love, but they do it. The relationship has become unhealthy for both of you. The longer you try to maintain it or fix it the more emotionally damaged you are going to become.
Be grateful for the relationship when it was good, but you are so young and you don't want this guy to be your last everything just because he was your first.
A healthy relationship allows the two people in it to grow as individuals, not just as a couple....
I know it is hard because you have a lot of memories built around him and your lifestyle is intertwined with him, but consider this an opportunity to branch out and fly and find out more things about who you are and what other kinds of men there are out there in the world. You stand to make a lot better choice for your future if you have dated more than one person in your life.
Get your family and friends ready to support and love you through this and break up with him respectfully, in person and somewhere that is neutral territory for you both.
Good Luck, and I know you will do great and you will be much happier once you get through this on the other side.
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A
female
reader, lola16182 +, writes (2 April 2009):
lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh yes there is another thing!
The spark seems to be dissipating. On my part its mainly because a 25yr. old acting like a 2yr. isn't exactly a turn on. But sexually there hadn't been much of a change til a few weeks ago. Not to be graphic or anything but usually we were physical every 2 or 3 days. Now he seems to be fine with going 4-5..and he gets his enjoyment so to speak and then he goes off doing something else and I'm like uhh hello what about me? He used to be all about wanting to please me, and now I don't get it.
Oh and on Sunday he announced we shouldn't have sex anymore. Can do other stuff but just not that, he is suddenly afraid that i'm going to get pregnant even tho that hasn't stopped him for the past year. His reason is that "well cuz if you get pregnant I want an abortion and I know u won't get one"
Don't know if this helps, but thought I'd add that in!
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female
reader, bobbles32 +, writes (2 April 2009):
 Never apologize for the length of your question! it's much easier to help you if we know all the details! and a little bit of reading never killed anyone (i hope) :)
He really is treating you like crap...and I think the only thing you can do is to talk to him about it.. one more time. If he says "What are you gonna do, Leave me?" Say Yes. And leave. Take his power away.
It kind of seems like he's pushing you away a little bit. Other than him being annoying are there any other problems in the relationship? He could be trying to get you to break up with him.. I've never heard of such weird behaviour!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2009): I think you know the answer in your heart . You are talking out your fears ....because you have outgrown him. He may have been your first boyfriend , but he sounds as if he is both immature and manipulative . This relationship sounds like a habit . It is incredibly difficult , but I think you should suggest spending time apart ...and test your true feelings .
You deserve a guy who will respect you , and treat you fairly without causing you to feel anger and resentment.
There are guys who can treat you better than this .....why not take the first step to building your self- esteem and confidence ? Good Luck !!
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