A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 5 years wants us to get married within a few months. I will be leaving the country in the next few months also but he told me that if i leave he will break up with me. I have been waiting for this opporunity to go overseas for a very long time and also i really love my boyfriend and i don't want to lose him. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 5 years together and you have a chance to go overseas for a temporary time? how long? if less than a year or so, then he's being unfair and I would call his bluff and break up with him now before you go so he can "get used to it"
he doesn't want you to go.... he's being selfish. he wants to get married. say fine but not till I get back from my trip.
adults can easily survive without their SO for short term time frames. or longer as needed. do you have any idea how long John and Abigail Adams lived apart during their marriage... more time apart than together... as was common in those days... they not only survived, they thrived. He was in paris she here in the USA... they wrote EVERY DAY long letters... no email no phones... no planes... and they mangaged to have one of the greatest love stories of all time.
Your boyfriend is being selfish, childish and immature.
If he can't cope with you being gone short term (again how long), then I fear he's not with you for the right reasons.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2013):
 So you are supposed to just give up your dreams because he said so?
What's next? bare feet, pregnant and chained to the stove?
How long would this overseas thing possibly be?
I'm sorry, I think you need to follow your dreams. YOU will resent him down the line if you don't and HE will think he can make ANY demands on you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (10 April 2013):
Ditch him. He's not worth the bother.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): A boyfriend is easily replaceable. However, the chance to take the trip overseas might only happen once. Do not take your boyfriend's words as final because if he really loves you he will find a way of contacting you and telling you that he made a mistake.
Hope you find this helpful!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 April 2013):
 This guy just did you a favor by revealing that he does not love you and good thing you found out about that before you married. If he truly loved you, to threaten breakup would be horrifying to him. He would have not liked it, but he would have supported you in your dream.
Even if you were going for a long term, he might have broken up with you to free you, but he would never have blackmailed you. My primary high school sweetheart and I broke up before he went off to college in California for 4 years. We both knew that it was better to part as friends than try and drag out an LDR. But I never threatened him, and I wanted him to go with all of my heart. I was sad for me, but I really did love him.
Go follow your dreams. Even if he breaks up with you. In fact, you should do it first. This control/emotional blackmail thing gets a lot worse in marriage if it's there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): I dont think your BF is emotinally blackmailing you. If my bf asked to go overseas, then I would decide that a relationship with a man who went overseas was not for me...and leave. THAT is what your bf is saying. He wont stop you going overseas, but he doesnt have to put up with an absent partner either. He has his rights...just like you have the right to go overseas.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Despite what his childish threats may lead you to believe, your boyfriend is replaceable. The experience of traveling overseas may not be.
Choose the traveling opportunity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): OP just to be clear, even if he only put it in terms of him having no choice that he couldn't handle separation and thinks it wouldn't last if you left. The fact he won't even try says it all, the fact he'd want to marry you yet only on his terms on only in terms of you giving up your dreams is too much.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2013):
 He doesn't love you. So don't waste your love on him.
How do I know? Because he's emotionally blackmailing you. He says he will break up with you if you leave. This isn't an act of LOVE, such a thing is an act of selfishness and a need for control. It's all about his wants and needs, and he doesn't respect you. If he respected you, he would see you as his equal, and would say "I love you, and I will miss you a lot if you leave. I want to marry you, and hope you will stay. But I also need you to be happy, and to live out your dreams. If that means you need to leave, I will support you in that and we will be married when you return".
Wouldn't you want to support him in achieving his dreams? When you love someone, you want them to be happy. He wants to trap you down and keep you from your dreams, because he is mainly concerned about his own happiness. He puts his own happiness before yours. So no, he does not love you.
Go abroad. End the relationship with him if you must. Do not be too sad, because it was his choice to end the relationship, not yours. You are young, you have been waiting for this opportunity for a long time, and he has known about this for a long time too. You've been together 5 years, surely by now he knew of your dream to go abroad. If he loved you he would support you and be happy for you. Instead, he is selfish and uses emotional blackmail on you, as a means to control you...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Well fuck him then OP, he knows how important this is to you and he's blackmailing you to get his own way?
Fuck that. You know OP no matter how long I've been with a woman, one single threat to break up with me and I end it.
I was with a woman two years, full on in love with her and she threatened to break up with me if my family weren't nicer to her. I dumped her right then and there, and even her months of calls, messages and emails apologising didn't get me back.
OP threatening break up is the lowest form of emotional blackmail possible. You could make it work while you're away, you're together 5 years and planning on being married and together forever and he threatens to break up with you if you decide to finally get to live your dream?
Sorry OP, but this guy isn't the guy you thought he was, unless of course you thought he was a childish, possessive control freak.
If I were in your position I'd break up with him just for trying that shit, and I'd break up with him and tell him I'm taking the opportunity and seeing as you're going to break up with me if I do then I choose to live my life according to my dreams not let you dictate how I live.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (10 April 2013):
 HI
I can understand his lack of enthusiasm , he is going to miss you and don't know how to deal with it. Of course he loves you, but if he wants to keep you he needs to let you go and fullfill your dreams, as the saying goes if you love them let them go, if they love you they will come back to you. Don't be too hard on him his mind is probally all over the place right now. Is there no way he could go with you? or have you spoke about meeting up at times ? phone calls, texts,IM and livechat webcam can all help with the distance between you, but the lack of closeness will test your relationship to the max. I think his made things clear to you though, that he wont be able to cope without you there so you need to make a firm choice, before you do ,think about this deeply ( men will come and go in your life, but your dreams can only stay on hold a short while ) if you give up this chance of moving and making your life better, you could resent him for life.
Good luck
Mandy x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): How long will you be overseas? Is the trip just a visit or long-term/permanent? Did you invite him to come along? If yes and his answer is "No," tell him you respect his decision and that you wish him the best in life because you are breaking up with him. POOF GOODBYE BOYFRIEND!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (10 April 2013):
 If your boyfriend truly loved you then he would want you to be happy, and would want you to fulfil your dreams. He would NEVER hold you back from happiness like this if he really loved you. Instead he is just being selfish and only thinking about himself, he doesnt care enough about you to put you first for a change.
DO NOT marry this man, he is not right for you. This opportunity to go overseas will only happen once in your lifetime, and if you dont go you will regret it for the rest of your life. If your boyfriend breaks up with you, so be it. There are plenty more men out there who you could be happy with, however there wont be plenty more opportunities like this in your lifetime.
If he does break up with you because you are following your dreams, he is just showing his true colours - he will show that he is a selfish person who only cares about himself and has no love or respect for you and what you want from life. If you ended up married to this selfish man you would lead a life of missed opportunities, regrets and always coming second to his own needs. That is not a good way to live life, I promise you.
Never allow any man to get in the way of your dreams, there will always be more men out there if he does decide to break up with you over this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Since you have been waiting for this for a long time, I suppose that he knew about it for a long time as well. If that is true, what he is doing is very unfair.
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