A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend admitted to masturbating to certain male friends of hers. She even told me which ones. I appreciate how honest she is and regret that I even asked. She claims her fantasies don't reflect real desires- that she really doesn't want to have sex with any of them. They're just thoughts that turn her on.But, this doesn't make any sense to me. Now, I hate the idea of her even speaking to any of her male friends. I hate the idea of her masturbating after learning of this. I feel as though she's sort of cheating on me in a way. She disagrees, with me since I think that there is something wrong with her. BTW I realize this isn't the norm. but I don't really masturbate much or watch porn. My girlfriend has a pretty good labido. I'm usually pretty satisfied with her- unless she isn't in the mood because she's masturbated.. I don't think it's normal to be masturbating to your friends while in a relationship. Is it also cheating? Am I being unreasonable by being bugged out by this?Thanks for the input.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 April 2013):
 Dear OP,
I see your follow up (not validated but I’ll assume it’s you) and I have to respond.
Your girlfriend is GREAT! She’s open, she’s honest, she’s sexual, she’s probably a very devoted trustworthy girlfriend and here you are trying to find reasons to screw it up. ? (this is my opinion)
Just because something does not make sense to you does not make it wrong.
There is NOTHING wrong with her. Truth be told the things that go through my head when I masturbate would curl your hair…. Sometimes it’s my hubby, sometimes not… often folks I know or have known in the past… occasionally some old porn scenes I recall. And yet… it does not diminish the love or desire I have for my husband.
I’m assuming these are guys she’s never had sex with so it’s just a fantasy. Sheesh… and you do not want her talking to them anymore because of some fantasy that she’s clearly not going to act on???? NOT fair and very controlling on your part. Reeks of insecurity and jealousy. NOT very attractive.
“I’m usually pretty satisfied with her” Wow is that what your sex life is about YOU being satisfied WITH HER? Maybe it’s just the awkwardness of writing vs a conversation but it doesn’t sound like love here..more of an itch scratching situation.
While you don’t think it’s normal to be masturbating to fantasies of folk s you know she does. And she’s open and honest and trusting enough to tell you about it. HUGE!
You ask if this is cheating NO NO and NO… in my book cheating is defined as anything you can’t won’t or don’t tell your partner. She told you. She did not have to. Masturbation is private. It’s a don’t ask don’t tell kind of thing for the most part. I have no clue about my husband’s masturbation habits unless I ask. If I ask he tells. If he asks I tell. We don’t ask. We know the other one does it and we are fine with it.
Are you being unreasonable by being bugged by it. Well we can’t control your feelings in any way shape or form so what you feel is fine.. how you are reacting and what you want from her to assuage your hurt and jealous feelings is unreasonable.
Now on to your follow up….
I’m sure the male friends she refers to truly don’t mean anything to her, I do not see her behavior or her thoughts as a threat to your relationship like you do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): Thanks for your answers guys. OP here.
I still think it's a kind of weird- to masturbate to people you speak to and hang out with every so often. Yes, I have sexual thoughts about girls that pass me by. I usually don't even know them. But, I don't get that urge to masturbate to them- let alone people that I do know well. I guess I wouldn't mind it so much if she were into porn.
But, the fact that these are people she's hit on in the past- some of them are her ex's- some are just friends- really perturbs me.
She told me this after telling me initially that these male friends don't mean anything to her.. Any thoughts on this?
Thanks in advance.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2013): "I don't think it's normal to be masturbating to your friends while in a relationship."
Yeah of course it is. Do you have sexy thoughts about other women? Look at Jessica Alba in a bikini with her nipples poking through and imagine, even for one moment, what it would be like to peel off that bikini top? Of course you do. It's the same thing OP. You may not masturbate much but you're in the minority. I have sex regularly and I masturbate regularly, it's not always my fiancée I think about.
OP we don't just become blind when we enter relationships, we're still going to find other people sexy and hot.
"Is it also cheating?"
No, cheating involves another person OP, emotionally or physically, fantasy is just a one person thing and it's a person's way of imagining different realities. I mean I shagged Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez in a three way yesterday. That was a lot of fun I can tell you, then last night I made love to my fiancée too. One was fantasy, one was the only reality I want. The only reality I want OP is to have sex with my fiancée, she's the only woman I ever want to be with ever again, I love her with everything I have and no one is more beautiful or sexy to me. But sometimes in my head I want to imagine what it's like to shag a woman who's taller, shorter, bigger boobs, smaller boobs, a different shaped butt, different colour skin etc. Fantasy is very healthy.
She fantasizes about black guys for the most part, there are hardly any in Ireland so it's an exotic fantasy for her.
"Am I being unreasonable by being bugged out by this?"
You're not being unreasonable, it's a weird thing to have to face. Usually men and women keep their fantasies to themselves. But you have to let it slide if you want to be with her, you're never, ever going to meet a woman who doesn't have fantasies, they all do. Find one who doesn't find Ryan Gosling hot and you'll find one who has imagined Clooney having his way with her.
It means nothing.
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A
male
reader, Glacier  +, writes (10 April 2013):
She's obviously broadminded. They are/were probably other signs of this?
What's most important is that she is honest. I'd say changes of cheating are actually lower like Euphoric29 said.
Maybe you can 'solve' this in a fun way, like have you guys ever masturbated together? I'm sure she would love it. Maybe you don't dare but don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. She will appreciate it.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (10 April 2013):
Dear OP,
Most people would never admit any of those fantasies, because they would know how it comes across.. so, I actually can't tell you if this is normal.
But the few people that I've known close enough to talk about masturbation fantasies admitted that they sometimes think about other people while masturbating. They still don't cheat in real life.
She won't be able to change her masturbation fantasies for you, because fantasies pop up from a place we can't control with our will. You either have a fantasy or you don't. Doesn't mean you have to act on your fantasies. I think cheating is defined by your actions, not your thoughts. Maybe there will be times of crisis when you will think of leaving or staying. But thinking about leaving is not already the same as leaving, especially if you decide to stay in the end.
Look, at least she was honest and that means she trusts you. I bet a girl who tells you even this kind of fantasies is less likely to be cheating than one who pretends you're the center of her universe and only says what you want to hear.
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