A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has only had one previous relationship, and in this relationship he fell hard and fast. They were together all the time, but after a year they broke up and it absolutely devastated him. From mutual friends and himself I've heard it took him a very long time to recover from that break up. It's been well over two years since that relationship and he's had a few flings since then but never got into a real relationship, then enter me a few months ago. Now I'm struggling with the issue that he will only see me maybe twice a week, will go days without talking to me at all, and is dead set on the idea that couples shouldn't see each other all the time or talk all the time. This has been bugging me (I admit that I require a bit more than the occasional text message and one maybe two nights a week) and I do plan on discussing this with him, but I'm wondering if maybe this has to do with his last relationship? It just seems so odd to me that he's taken such a 180 from that relationship to this one.
View related questions:
broke up, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys! I wanted to give an update. :) Believe it or not before I even had to say anything, he's already beginning to 'open up' a bit more on his own. A few times now he's texted me, just because. He'll still go a day or two, but it's been an improvement over the past two weeks. It looks like all I need is some patience! :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2012): Another thought... relationships are made up of TWO people, so after telling him what YOU WOULD LIKE, ask him what HE WOULD LIKE. Your relationship, is about both of you being happy...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both so much! You both have been such a big help and very insightful. I know this is what I need and I do love him very much and would very much like to see this work, but if he's not ready then I can't force it. I plan on talking to him within the next week or so (I tend to be quite shy as well so I want to really think about what I want to say, hehe) and I'll let you know how it goes!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): sorry...just over 5 months....hmmm... Well, in my humble opinion, when a guy is really into you (which CAN take a while to happen)... he will want to see you as often as he can. So, it may be an indication that he is not THAT keen on a full-on committed relationship....YET. OR an indication, he really didn't like loosing all his freedom and 'lost himself' in the last long-term relationship.If I were in your position, I think I would tell him what you would LIKE to happen..... I don't think you can make a 'demand' of what you want, but you can tell him that you would like it if you saw eachother a bit more often, let him know you really enjoy being with him and just want to spend a bit more time with him, or maybe suggest you'd like that to happen in the near future. He can think that over, and if he is caring about YOU, he will try to give you what you ask...or at least compromise. If it scares him away, then honestly, after five months... I don't think it is the right time/man, as he is thinking differently to you, on a very important issue. (unless you are happy to keep it rather casual too).You could try telling him in an easy going fun way... not a serious scary way. let us know how it works out .
...............................
A
female
reader, JAMR  +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Hi again :) Well, the trouble with me is that I am shy by nature... I can't help it. When it came to what I wanted to see/get out of my relationship with my friend…I found it very difficult to voice my needs. I tried to speak up as often as I felt comfortable…without pressuring him too much, but really all I ever did was just be there if he needed someone to talk to and that is how we become so close. No judgment. No pressure. If a guy wants to be in someone’s life then they will make the effort. Girls will do the same. It’s the exact same thing with friends/best friends. Some people click and it lasts a long time and others don’t. With my friend, I really wanted to be in his life and I was fortunate enough that he appreciated my friendship, so, we clicked. And that is where a great friendship comes from. Sometimes “relationships”, but not always… if it’s not the right time. It's difficult to say what you should do in ANY relationship in order to become closer to someone. BUT... This I can tell you for sure...You can't choose who you like or who you fall in love with. Respect and trust are very vulnerable attributes. In every relationship there needs to be compromise. But, you can never change a person and you can never lie to yourself, no matter how great you might be at pretending. If you like/care/love this guy and want to see what you can get out of it, then by all means sister! DO it. No one can say for sure if it is going to work. Maybe it will for a little while and maybe it will for a long time. But the most important thing in any situation is that if there is something you believe should be raised to question, if something doesn't seem to be fair or is bothering you, never be afraid to say something about it. At the end of the day, you need to be confident that you took care of yourself. Don't go through life forgetting the most important relationship you will always have; that is the relationship that you have with yourself. Maybe you two become great friends, like my friend and me. Maybe it's a short relationship you’re meant to live through because the universe is trying to teach you some sort of important lesson. Trust your intuition and trust what you believe, and you will never steer yourself in the wrong direction.I apologize for such a long post… haha. But again, hope that helped.. if not, I’m always hear to chat if you have more questions about this related “relationship” that we both have going here. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's actually been just over five months. I was okay with taking it slow and giving it time, but I guess as I'm getting more attached I just require more? I didn't want to say anything before for fear of scaring him off, and again I still have that fear, but I also don't want to grow any resentful feelings by holding this in.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): I would suggest to you, that he is wanting to take it slow as he wants to make sure he doesn't get hurt again. It has only been two months, and it may take a bit more time for him to get to know you better, and to decide he wants to commit to you... he may be still working it out... then he may want to spend more time with you. For the first couple of months of my recent relationship, we saw each other once or twice a week, that was it. Five months on, and we text a few times every day, see each other two or three times a week.I would also suggest to you, that after a couple more months if things don't keep progressing, then he is probably not ready to commit to a relationship with you.We all work to different time frames, but speak your truths. If you NEED to see him more, for the relationship to work for YOU, tell him. It may scare him off, but if it is what YOU NEED and he can't give it to you, then he isn't the one for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): "couples shouldn't see each other all the time?".. then why be in a relationship??
and you can get a nice guy who wants to be with you all the time if he doesn't want that..
Dump his ass and tell him to move on.. he is not gonna change anytime soon .. and will hurt you instead..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for answering! JAMR: Did you have to broach the subject with him or did he just automatically want to start seeing you more?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): It sounds as if your new boyfriend is suffering from that old malady...Baggage! Explain to him, he needs to regard you with fresh eyes and not drag issues with his past partner into this new relationship. Hard to do, i know.
But if he seriously wants to be with you, he has to show a little more enthusiasm and less caution. If he cant or is not willing to do that for you. Then i am afraid you might have to consider the possibility that you are just another `fling` in his eyes.
...............................
A
female
reader, JAMR +, writes (12 February 2012):
I agree that I must have to do with the last relationship, a little bit anyways.
It's good that you are going to bring this up to him, it's very important that you never forget that you have a voice, and if something is bothering you, that you say something.
Again though, don't try to pressure him into anything, when guys feel like they are being cornered or pressured they just end up distancing themselves further and further away from you. You can't make anyone do something that they don't want to do.
If you want this to work then I think you are going to have to find a lot of patience for him while not forgetting about your own needs.
And I can relate to you situation. I started seeing this guy about a year and a half ago.. and it started the same way. the occasional text/phone call... the occasional late night get together... when we DID start hanging out earlier in the days, it was like heaven sent hahaha! Felt like a miracle... But, I really started liking and caring for him, a lot. And i had sooooo much patience for him.. and the stories about the 'ex' i would hear, because he was soo broken hearted. I'm happy to say that we are the closest that anyone can possibly be. Best friends. and we're still seeing each other.
Timing may not be right.. right now for you two to actually be "together" but, you never know what might happen... it's true what they say... patience IS a virtue and good things do come to those who wait :)
If he is hanging out with you at all then i'm sure he is at least interested and attracted to you, which is always a good starting point.
...............................
A
female
reader, meccamega  +, writes (12 February 2012):
As I've been in his situation before, I can totally relate. He probably doesn't want to get hurt again and be devasted. he probably doesn't want to lose himself in this new relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (12 February 2012):
It probably has something to do with his last relationship. He learned something from it, whether it was right or wrong he is just acting out on what he got from his last relationship. Perfectly normal. Either way you still have your needs too. So just tell him how you feel and see how he responds. No matter why or where he got the behavior if he can't give you what you want it may not be the right person/timing.
...............................
|
