A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I are both in our 40's and we are not virgins. However, she is much more experienced (I was in a relationship for a very long time) and has a much more casual attitude about sex than I do. I am really wary about sleeping with a girlfriend. I really have to love her and even then I beat myself up about it. My girlfriend, on the other hand, attaches no real significance to sex. She's not a slut or anything in terms of her number of lovers, but sex and love are really two different things to her. This manifests in things she says and does which really get to me. She just doesn't understand my sensitivity. I can't articulate any particular incident at the moment, but we could be watching a movie or people watching or something and she will make some sexual comment that will make me blanche. I don't distrust her or anything. It's not about that. However, I just feel sometimes that we're just not on the same page and she makes me uncomfortable talking about past experiences or hinting at certain things. Aside from sex, we get along well. Is this something that I can get more comfortable with (or help her understand I am sensitive to) or are we just incompatible? What can we do to make this less of an issue? It seems so petty except for at the moment it happens and then it seems terribly important for a brief period.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Why would you beat yourself up about having sex with a woman you love? What exactly is the problem there? Is it about morals, or do you feel sex is dirty? Is it because you aren't married to her? Why do you beat yourself up, that's basically what you need to get to the bottom of, because that isn't healthy. You need to allow yourself to have sex under your own choice of circumstances. If YOU think it is okay to have sex with a woman you love then let it also BE ok. Don't beat yourself up over it.
You're not incompatible. This isn't about being compatible or not, this is about you not understanding yourself. Hence she can not hope to understand you either, and you will not manage to make her understand how you feel. Because you yourself don't know how you feel.
So take some time to think about this, what exactly makes you uncomfortable, why do you beat yourself up over having sex, and what conditions need to be met for you to be ok with having sex? If you can find the answers to these questions then talk to your girlfriend and tell her how the situation is. Then also think about what exactly it is you want from her. If you want her to perhaps try not to say casual comments about sex, then so be it. But be specific.
And remember that even if you ask her to not comment in such manners, you do not have a right to be angry with her should she happen to make such a comment anyway. She can not always know what will make you upset or not. This is something that takes years to understand. She will understand, in time, but you need to be patient.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2012): You have retroactive jealousy.Here's the basics:1. It's one of the most common problems on this website. It would have its own section judging by the frequency of questions. But the moderators and may people don't respect it.2. Lots of people will tell you that you can get over these feelings in time. That advice is well-meaning, but it is almost always 100% wrong. This problem is a deep moral difference for many people. Most people with looser habits don't get it. They don't understand that there is more to this issue than a little insecurity on your part. So their advice is well-intentioned but wrong. 3. You can't expect much sympathy or understanding from people with looser habits than yours. Most of them don't understand how you feel and most won't really even try to understand. 4. You have two options to deal with this: Break up with your GF, or stay with her and accept that you will always feel this badly about her values. If you stay with her then you need to accept her 100% and try not to carry any chip on your shoulder about it. She is never going to be someone different than she is, and you made an informed decision to be with her.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (12 February 2012):
 You seem to be very traditional, while she seems very liberated, at least sexually. In the long run, that may indeed become a continuing problem for you, but not so much for her. While I've been very much sexually adventurous over my many years, there were some women who were just too loose for me, although I did enjoy them for awhile. I think that you simply have to weigh the positives against the negatives, but at your age, if you think that she will be faithful to you, her past should not matter.
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A
female
reader, Babs1 +, writes (12 February 2012):
Myau says your uptight and I have to agree. Sex is a normal part of everyday life for every single living organism on this planet. Even if your not having it, you think about it. She is just being herself.
Talk to her, maybe you can feel more comfortable with it if you really want to.
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (12 February 2012):
 Your very uptight.
The only way to solve this is by talking with her. Let her help you though it, and then enjoy :)
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