A
female
age
51-59,
*rokenbutterflii
writes:My bf of 2.5yrs has asked me to marry him. I know most women would be absolutely giddy with happiness, yet I told him that I needed to think about it. Earlier in the year I walked in on him jacking off to porn. When we first started dating he told me that he found porn degrading and disgusting, yet now he watches it every morning he gets home from work, while I'm asleep. (He used to wake me up in a very sexual way, but not anymore.) He promised me 3 times that he was going to stop watching porn, he keeps telling me that I satisfy his every desire and then some. Yesterday I discovered that he was downloading porn movies into his gaming files to hide them from me, also the porn is all homemade from local girls in our area. I questioned him about it today before he left work and he became very angry and defensive. He told me that I was crazy and that he would never cheat on me, but he has already lied to me 3 times. I'm very much in love this man and very much heart-broken. What should I do? Should I stay or should I just let him go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2012): My advice to anyone is find out somebodies porn habits before it's too late. Tell them they are not allowed to use porn early on in the relationship. My boyfriend for some reason thought it was acceptable now we're in trouble. Some women aren't bothered, some are extremely bothered it devastated me i thought i was the only one.
A
female
reader, jr23 +, writes (25 April 2012):
 It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is addicted, although it could become that way in the future. If his behavior towards you sexually is already starting to change, that's not a good sign. I would also be concerned at the fact that he's watching people who live in the area, because these are people he could meet up with if he wanted to. I'm not saying he would, but unfortunately I would consider the possibility he may be thinking about it since he could just as easily watch people who are NOT local. Basically, you two need to talk this over and find a good middle ground. For example, he can watch porn, but not of people he knows (or has the opportunity to know). There are plenty of homemade videos that are not local he could watch. That's would I would do is try to compromise. I don't have a problem with porn itself, but I do have limits. This would be out of my "comfort zone", so to speak. If you are in a relationship, there should be no reason to invest any emotion into porn. It should be viewed as a masturbation tool for when your partner isn't home or in the mood, nothing more. If you know the people in the videos, there is a greater chance of feeling emotion towards them.If you aren't comfortable with porn at all in your relationship, then don't get married because he's not going to stop. It also sounds like he isn't very good at covering his tracks, so you will always know about it.
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female
reader, samantha123456  +, writes (24 April 2012):
You made the right choice. That is cheating, and if people think its not its definatly the start of him going to meet these women and cheating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): Yeah that is cheating but i think the porn in general is like cheating. A man who doesn't look at porn in a relationship is what every woman needs.
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A
female
reader, brokenbutterflii +, writes (24 April 2012):
brokenbutterflii is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear Agony Aunts and Uncle, Some of you say that it is no big deal that he his watching porn, yet I think that you have failed to see that he sees and knows these local women. He has grown up with them. Others say that it is wrong because he has lied about it, not just once, but 3 times. Well let me tell you, I woke at 3 am this morning and caught him actually talking to one of the women on webcam with his junk out...that is CHEATING all the way around!!! So needless to say I told him NO I would not marry him, furthermore I don't ever want to see him again!!! Thank you for your answers whether I agreed with them or not...he made the decision for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!
You always have that group of people who will say, porn is normal, porn is harmless, women need to get over men watching porn, etc., etc., etc......NO. This kind of information is coming from many people who do not have a whole lot in their lives, who are young, who have a skewed reality of what real true intimacy between a couple is, who's own daily habit is something they justify as normal, etc.....
When porn gets in the way of a relationship, there is a problem. When a man can't stop watching it knowing full well how you feel about it, there is a problem. When a man has to lie and hide it, there is a problem.
When a man is head over heals in love with a women, there are things he just isn't interested in anymore, things he lets go of in his single life...there is no longer a need to seek out other women, and that includes porn. It is NOT unreasonable to have this be a deal breaker in your relationship....if this is what he needs to do, then by all means do it, but it will have to be with someone else who doesn't mind being disrespected and lied to. Too many women let this slide and it ruins their relationship, eventually down the road...you already see a pattern change in your sex life, and with the continued porn watching and hiding, it's likely to get worse, not better. There was a question not too long ago of someone asking if all men watched porn...try and find it...you will be pleasantly surprised at many of the responses...
Sadly, it's hurtful and painful when you love someone so much and this kind of thing has to come into it. You can go as far as entering couples counceling and maybe having a third party find the right way for you to explain what this is doing to you and the doubts it's causing, maybe he will be able to understand better and if he loves you that much to want to marry you, he can make you and removing this part of his life a priority. You can also find out where he is coming from and why he has this need to continue watching...it might be bigger than you want to know of perhaps he just needs some guidance. Many men in your age bracket in serious relationships have lives and families, work, and they do things, they really do not have all this free time sitting around jerking off...he needs something to do. I hope there are no young to teen children in the household...then you really do have a problem if he is doing this in your home.
I wish you the best and I hope you can work this out. Just PLEASE trust your instincts and don't settle and allow this if it truly is not something you can be comfortable and can live with.
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A
male
reader, appliance  +, writes (24 April 2012):
So many people on this site seem to have a problem with porn, I can't understand why. Once again, this topic...Watching porn is a fairly common 'hobby'. True, not everybody enjoy it, but it's very common and, for some reason, it's still something people like to keep private. I think it's understandable if he lied to you (when he said he disliked porn). He should have told the truth, but there are possible reasons for saying that: either because he's ashamed, because he thinks it was what you wanted to hear, or because he wanted, like many people, to keep it private. Or maybe also because if he had said yes, he thought he would have to answer more embarrassing questions afterward. My guess is that he lied because he didn't want to discuss it. But what do I know? Is it a good reaction? Probably not, but it's understandable.Pornography is not a threat to a relationship, except if it becomes a compulsive habit that replaces actual sex. Which is not the case most of the time. Watching naked girls on the internet is NOT wanting to replace a girlfriend by someone else. I think it would be silly to say 'no' to an otherwise great relationship just because of that. What your basically telling him is 'Stop watching porn or I leave you'. I would feel offended and hurt if my girlfriend was asking me that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): Hi. Not every one enjoys porn. You are not alone in disliking it. It is not something I would want in a relationship. If you explained you disliked porn when you met this guy. And he said he did not like it either and did not watch it. Then he was either lying to you, which I suspect. Or he has changed his mind about porn since knowing you and decided to keep it hidden from you and lie about it.He has no right to get angry with YOU because you do not like him watching porn. Because he KNEW from the get go that you did not like it! So he should have walked away there and then if your views clashed and he was not prepared to go without porn. He should not have paid you lips service, pretended to agree with you. Then gone and watched it anyway, broken a promise to you THREE times and then had the nerve to get angry with you! That`s being totally unreasonable in my opinion. Not only has he lied to you about watching porn, hidden his activity and broken promises about it. You now notice he is using it regularly in the mornings instead of waking you for sex when he comes home. So it IS affecting your sex life. You set down your likes and dislikes when you met. He is the one who has changed. So rather than you being forced to make concessions you are unhappy about, HE should make them. He should decide what is more important to him. You or porn! I would not consider marriage until he has decided if he can live without porn or not. If he can be honest and give you a straight answer either way, then you will be able to make an informed choice as to whether he is marriage material or not. But do bear in mind, he has already lied about this habit. So he may well do so again if he wants to marry and thinks he stands a better chance if he plays along and pretends he will give up porn. Whether or not watching these local women engaged in porn will make him cheat is anyone guess. He has already broken promises to you, so would he honour marriage vows? Who can tell. I would talk to him and find out whats really going on with him because he sounds as if he has either changed a lot since you met him. Or his real personality is only just starting to emerge! Good luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2012): I don't know if you can say he's addicted or if he just really likes it. There's a difference.
If he really likes it he isn't going to stop just cos you don't like him doing it. Men just don't believe that they are doing anything to hurt you by watching porn and that if you feel hurt its your problem for having this hang up. That said most men don't want to intentionally hurt you so they will just become more secretive and lie to you about not watching porn anymore.
I think its in your best interest to learn to accept it. Its only a problem because you are making it into one by choosing to make it a symbol of other things that its not.
But if you just cant accept it and its that big a deal to you then I think you shouldn't marry him because he isn't going to stop doing it.
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female
reader, Lasterloh +, writes (24 April 2012):
Porn is natural for men, what isn't natural is that it is all local girls in the videos. It's cheating, he jacks off to other girls in your area that apparently arouse him more than you do. He says he wouldn't cheat, but how can you trust him? Its not like he jerks it to girls he will never see, he could see them at the store, the gas station, the bar. Sexual attraction is the first stage of liking someone, he already has sexual attraction to them and he "see's" them everyday. You have to stand up for yourself, how would he feel if men from your area aroused you more than he did? If everyday instead of giving him love you gave it to other men in your area how would he feel? He says you are everything he needs but that clearly isn't the case and you can't let him convince you otherwise. It's degrading and you don't need that weighing on your shoulders for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, Wisdom +, writes (24 April 2012):
 There are so many women that get wrapped up in this porn issue. Not all porn is "degrading" to women and disgusting... if it was then why would it be a multi multi billion dollar industry in EVERY country? Now some porn is terrible and some is ok (Whilst I don't personally prefer it I have no issue with people who do) as long as it is of legal age concent etc.
Lets break it down take out all the emotion and look at this situation logically.
1) Men are very visual creatures. They are turned on by looking at women. Its natrual and its what many many many of them all over the world do.Also many women. This is natrual its only a problem if it is out of their control
2) He looks at porn
3) He proposed to you
4) He loves you
5) He is not going to cheat on you just becuase he is looking at some cheap hussy online.
He has his queen at home who he loves. But there is still that instinct to look online (remember he is not looking to find anyone he is just looking)
I know a few women who just take it in their stride, laugh and aslong as it is not in the bedroom are ok with it. They are secure and strong in their own relationships and in their own bodies. This is a MASSIVE turn on for men. THey love seucre women.
Now having said all of that, if you really don't like it and he won't stop it. You need to decide if you can live with it or not. If you can't then you should move on. If you can then marry him.
Take some time to talk with him before you jump to any conclusions
Good luck
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A
female
reader, traeumerin242 +, writes (24 April 2012):
I'm more concerned with the fact that the porn is coming from local girls rather than general porn sites as well as the fact that he is downloading it. Furthermore, he finds a need to hide it from you. This says that there is something wrong. It's one thing when a guy watches porn and jacks off to it and quite another when he is downloading it or when he knows the girls making it.
I wouldn't say that he's addicted to porn or that he's cheating on you or lying to you. There may be an addiction, but it would be something deeper than just porn since he seems to prefer the homemade stuff, which may suggest that the arousal is from knowing the girls in the videos. This is an issue that you two need to work through.
You've clearly been together long enough that it seems silly to end a relationship over something that has been present the past few years. Wait and see what happens in the relationship. Don't just break off things since there clearly is something genuine about your relationship. You did the right thing by saying that you need to think about it. Remind him that it is not an outright no, but he does need to show that he is making an effort to stop some of his habits before you feel comfortable marrying him.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (24 April 2012):
 I don't think this means he's going to cheat. But if porn isn't something you can live with, you should not marry him because it's unlikely to stop. He doesn't sound addicted to me, for some reason this kind of dependence is considered normal. But again, the problem isn't going to go away if you get married. If this is something that hurts you, don't marry him. Porn contributes to over half of divorces nowadays, you don't want to be in that group.
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