A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiance is in love with his best friend. They have known eachother since they were very young and have always been close. They used to 'play dirty', like most kids do I guess, when they were about 7. They grew up together and he tried to start a relationship with her in their late teens, but she thought it would be too weird because they were such close friends.He said he would never act on his feelings for her, and I believe him, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to know that I'm not the only woman that he loves. She is beautiful, thin, tan, adventurous. How could he not be in love with her? I'm short and pale and chubby. Nerdy. Cute maybe, but not like her.I told him how much this hurts me, and I even considered ending it before, but I don't want to be without him. I love him. Everything had been fine for months now, they hadn't seen eachother or spoken for months, but last night she came up in conversation. I commented on how long it had been. He said that he missed her and wanted to see her again or at least talk. He had been looking at her pictures on facebook.He could tell I was a little sad, so he held me and told me how much he loved me and that I was the only one he wanted to be with and share his life with. But he still loves her and is very attracted to her. How am I supposed to handle this? I've tried to be cool and understanding, but it just doesn't feel fair. I feel sick whenever he talks to her. She makes him so happy when she's around. I feel like second best, and she was the one he could never have.Should he still talk to her, or leave her in the past? How can I handle this feeling of inadequacy? I want so bad to be the only woman he wants and loves. Sorry that was so long.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 I really do hope things work out for you in the end, and that you will make the right decision for you and for him as well.
I still think you should at least talk to him about this some more. I know because I had a boyfriend once who I was convinced was still in love with his ex. And everything pointed to him still being in love with her, so I let him go. We broke up. And I tried to stop caring about him. I still do care, but less. And then as my feelings calmed down, and I wasn't in the middle of things any longer, I saw it all more clearly.
He was confused about what his actions meant to others. It doesn't excuse him, as a grown man I think one ought to have the ability to see what pain you cause your partner and stop these actions without there needing to be a fight or debate about it. I mean the things he said he shouldn't have said, simply as that. They were unnecessary, and everyone else with some empathy and social antennas would know.
But the thing is that even though he said these things, and did what he did... he slowly stopped. He started to learn that it hurt me. Unfortunately by the time he learned it was too late, I was already convinced he wasn't over her and we broke things off. But then looking at him now he's still not over me. He doesn't talk to her. He has convinced me that she wasn't a threat really. The problem wasn't her. The problem was always just his inability, or inexperience, in saying and doing the right things.
He doesn't have that much empathy, or ability to put himself into the shoes of someone else. He didn't understand why I was hurt, and as such didn't know what he did would hurt me. In his mind it was innocent.
Anyway, I am just saying this because it was a hard lesson for him (and me too) to learn. But now he knows. And his next girlfriend probably will feel a lot safer in a relationship with him than I did, because now he knows what to not say and not do when it comes to your ex (or other people you have had romantic feelings for...).
So who knows. If you end things with him, or say you want a break and then see how you feel about things... It might be that he'll come back to you, show you how much he loves you and wants you. It might be that he will be able to convince you that he loves you, once he sees that he might lose you.
It's true what they say, if you love someone let them go. If they come back then they are yours to keep. If they don't come back they were never yours to begin with.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for following up. You're right about me caving in. I feel awful for standing in the way of his longest lived friendship, but I don't think this level of insecurity is healthy. It makes me ill to think of him even just talking to her! I guess I should go with my gut sometimes after all...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2012):
 LISTEN to PerhapsNot! He's bargaining with you to see her, and you're actually caving to allow another woman into his life to please him.
You are going to lose him. Do not marry him until she's out of his life and mind.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (19 March 2012):
 " he told me that he would be willing to never see her again if I asked. I feel that this would be extreme"
Actually that would not have been extreme at all. THAT would have been the best choice for both of you. You can't move on and fall out of love unless you cut contact all with your love interest. How is he supposed to get over her if they are allowed to still sty in touch? If he truly wanted to get over her and focus on you, he would have cut her out of his life a long time go. She isn't just a friend. If she were just a friend, then yes, it would have been extreme. But she isn't - he is in LOVE with her. This is why they shouldn't be in touch PERIOD.
"he would tell me when they talked and what was said."
I know you're young and very soon you will realize that this option is a TERRIBLE solution. This reporting approach will not work. The fact that you have to know what they talked about it and when they talk only means you don't trust him. You feel the need to check up on him, just in case something inappropriate goes on. And do you honestly think he will always report truthfully?
In the end, you have the power to chose whatever you want to do. Sometimes we have to make mistakes in order to learn from them. Know this - continuing this relationship and continuing it under the stipulations you currently have, will not solve your problem. The fact that you're not happy about your current solution is only a small glimpse into the future. You're in for a shitty ride.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for all of your wonderful answers. I am truly torn, but I love him deeply and he told me that he would be willing to never see her again if I asked. I feel that this would be extreme, so we agreed that contact would not be limited, but he would tell me when they talked and what was said. He also agreed to not hang out with her one-on-one, but only in groups of friends.
I still don't feel great about this situation, but all of your advice really did help. Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 March 2012):
You're feeling second best because to him you ARE second-best. He is still holding a candle for his best friend. If she agreed to have a relationship with him, he would leave you in a heartbeat, or cheat on you.
1. He is in love with her
2. He finds her attractive
3. He is nostalgic about their relationship (looking at her pictures, missing her)
He is not the man for you. He may love you, but he loves her much more than he will ever love you. If he had the option to chose between you two, he would chose her. Since she is not interested in him, he settled for you. Do you want to marry a man, who is just settling while day-dreaming of his best friend? If you do, you will continue to feel miserable and shitty about yourself.
Leave him and never take him back. Chances are he will try to get you back because he will never have her. And if he cannot have her, he will be ready and willing to settle for second-best. It's better having a loving girlfriend and sex than being single and staring at pictures of your never-to-be-love. Ditch this guy and find someone who sees you as their #1.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 March 2012):
I really like the advice an anonymous reader gave you: "If you love him, let him go. And if he's yours, he will return. But if he does not, he was never yours to begin with."
Even though your bf and his friend haven't seen or spoken to each other in months, she stays on his mind. If you two take a break from each other and he's really in love with you, you will stay on his mind and he will come back to you. If contact starts to fade, you know exactly where you stand.
I'm sorry, but I honestly think this is the only way to really find out about his true feelings. He may not even be sure of them himself. But if you marry him like this, you will always have that nagging suspicion.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): oh honey, I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking situation. I agree with others, do not marry him, not unless he sincerely loses his feelings for her, but right now you're caught in a love triangle because you obviously love him but he loves her.
it's very possible to love your friends in a platonic way, they are like your brother or sister. But his love for her isn't sibling-like, it's romantic and that's why you shouldn't marry him. Marriage is an exclusive intimate relationship, and if one of the partners has feelings towards someone else that's going to get in the way of their being able to give themselves to you as fully as you're giving yourself to them. That makes the marriage unequal. Even if he never leaves you, if he's pining for her that means he's not emotionally present in the marriage but off in a fantasy land where you don't belong. it would be like being married to someone who is here with you physically but not in spirit.
It's great that he's so honest, I have to commend him for that. But that just means that you have access to open and honest information from him. You still need to decide what you'll do based on this information.
He's telling you upfront that he loves someone else, but he would like to marry you. Why? I believe it's because he wants marriage and a family, who doesn't? But she's not available to make that happen, so that's why he's going with you. I'm sorry but it is clear that he is treating you as second best and is being honest about it so based on that I can't fault him because he's just telling you the truth of what he wants. now the ball is in your court whether to accept this proposition or not. I would strongly advise that you walk away from this relationship because you can't accept being second best nor should you. No one should have to, but some people might decide to settle for being second best if they are of the attitude that "something is better than nothing" and they weigh up the pros and cons and find it to help them achieve their goals. But that's not going to work for everyone and I don't think it will work for you.
you can't alter his feelings for her and I don't think he can either, after all when you're in love with someone can you just turn it off like a switch? No. so all you can do is to examine the information presented before you and decide if you can emotionally accept this situation, and if not you just have to be the one to walk away.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (17 March 2012):
 sorry to say but If my hubby had a female friend who he had feelings for i would not have married him. You can love ppl, as friends, but once there is an attraction to someone else there is a much higher chance of disloyalty. I had a very good male friend who tried to take it further (i wasn't interested) he broke up with his gf after admitting to me that he liked me and now avoids me. More because i think he still has feelings for me (this was 6yrs ago now) and he doesnt feel its fair on his current girlfriend than because its 'weird'
I wouldn't trust him personally
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 March 2012):
 OP you cannot even THINK of marrying this guy with the other girl still in the picture. Yes you are second best, he loves her and it is a slap on your face to be sitting next to him and be a spectator and an audience of his lost-love sage, while he talks about his feelings for the other girl and says he still loves her and is very attracted to her! What the hell!! You should have told him then and there that you are out of this, he can do what he wants, you are not sticking around playing second fiddle, while he bemoans his fate and settles for second best. Nope, not happening. Walk out.
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A
female
reader, VerooD6 +, writes (16 March 2012):
 I think you should just become close to his best friend as well he picked you for a reason just be happy that he loves you and he makes you happy c: if you become friends with her you might see why she makes him happy and try to be the same but in your own way or it will be awakward when you copy something she says all the time. also tell him not to talk about her because you feel second best. you are soon to be married you cant keep hiding how you feel about her wish you luck c:
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): You are not going to like my advice. Trust me.
If you love him, let him go. And if he's yours, he will return. But if he does not, he was never yours to begin with.
This isn't fair to either of you. He loves two women, and he needs time alone to figure it out. Maybe even the rejection of his best friend ("it would be too weird" oh please where have we heard that before) to set him straight. You are in love with a man who loves someone else. You deserve better.
You know what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): I agree he is doing this for an ego boost and it is insensitive and cruel since you're committed to him. I would break up with him and find someone who will put you first and who isn't seeing other women he wants too, because that is basically what he is doing.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2012):
"TRUE honesty is the fact that if this object of his attraction were to return his feelings, he'd ditch you for her."
I think you need to ask yourself this question poster. You should also ask your man this question. I don't think he'll leave you over her, based solely on what you have written. But that would be the fear of others.
If it helps I can tell you that I have a friend who I love. I ended up falling in love with him later on, but for many years it was just a love-feeling, and a connection. And my boyfriends knew about it. I told them. I also had another friend, a girl, who I loved as well. Sadly we fell apart, so I no longer talk to her. But I loved her. And I told my boyfriend at the time (when I was still in contact with both the boy and girl) that I loved them as well. He asked if I would leave him for any of them. And the answer was no.
It's is fully possible to love more than one person, but be loyal still. Him being loyal to you means he will not leave you over her. Him being loyal to you means that if he had to choose (never give ultimatums, but imagine a situation where he'd have to choose), he'd choose you. That's what I mean by being the number one woman in his life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2012):
I want to clarify -- I know he hasn't spent time in months, but looking at her Facebook picture, saying he misses her and wants to speak to her again? What a slap in the face to you.
I wouldn't get sad. I'd get very stern. Chigirl is right that you should not even think of marrying him until she is out of the picture and his heart. Yes, you can get over feelings for people, or we'd all have feelings for every person we've ever dated forever. So don't buy that crap about it being okay that he's not over her.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 March 2012):
To me, it does not matter if he is honest about this. A guy in a relationship shouldn't even think about hanging out or spending time with another woman he used to have feelings with. No way, no how. That disqualifies any and all arguments he might have about respecting his female friends.
Once romantic feelings have entered into the picture, regardless of whether or not they were returned, if he is with someone new, it is disloyalty and disrespect to his current relationship to have anything to do with a past crush.
The whole "I love you and would never act on my feelings" may sound flowery and pseudo-honest, but TRUE honesty is the fact that if this object of his attraction were to return his feelings, he'd ditch you for her. What he's saying is that he can't have Ms. Right, so he'll be with Ms. Right Now unless Ms. Right were to reverse her position of not wanting to ruin the friendship.
He's holding out for her, or he'd stop hanging with her.
You do not have to put up with this! He can't be friends with her while being with you. He can't hedge his bets like that. It DOES make you second best, because like I keep saying, you do NOT have security in this relationship as long as he keeps close a woman for whom he has feelings for.
End of story. He is not being honest. He's being disloyal and needs to settle this crush. If he has feelings for her, then it canNOT be a friendship, and you do not and must not put up with it. Words are worthless. He can tell you how much he loves you, but if he really did, he wouldn't be hurting you like this by spending time with his crush.
Seriously, how would he feel if you were spending time talking to and being alone with a man you have feelings for? Honestly, in what universe would a guy be okay with that?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012): Hey hunny i found this one hard to read because i have and still am in the position of the female friend, i will share with u in the hope that it can help you gain a different perspective.....
I was friends with a guy from a young age, i was maybe 5 and he was 8. His mum used to look after me. As we grew up we spent alot of time together and were extremely close,we were there for eachother when his brother died and when my father suffered breakdowns and was violent, there was nothing we didnt tell eachother.
after we turned 17 and 20 he admitted feelings for me and told me he had been in love with me for a long time, things got a bit romantic but we ultimatly decided that it was too strange and decided not to be together.
Then not long after that we both met our current partners. i am getting married in october and i would love nothing more than to have my best friend there but it isnt going to happen.
His girlfriend was furious when she found out that he had feelings for me and took an imediate dislike to me when she hardly knew who.i was! saying things like why would you want me when you can have her! I found it offensive that she judged me on my looks saying i looked like a player coz im pretty! And that she thinks we r going to go off together. It made all of us very upset me, him and ultimatly my partner. I lost my childhood best friend and it made me horrendously miserable and him , due to her jealously she came off the pill and is now pregnant! Against
his his wishes. She told him that she thought it was what they discussed. He now wont see me at all and whe he calls it is in secret and he always feels guilty afterward but if you think of it all he is trying to do.is see a friend.
Basically what i am trying to say is that your fiance has the right to have friends, if you truely believe that he is going to.run off on the first chance he gets then dont marry him! I understand it must be hard knowing that they have history but nothing you can do is going to change it. You cant be the be all and end all of someones life ! Maybe you should get to know her yourself before judging her harshly, just because ahe is pretty doesnt mean shez out to steal your man. Ultimatly if you keep stopping him from seeing her he is going to grow resentful towards you. I hope this helped and soz its long good luck x
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (16 March 2012):
"Cute maybe, but not like her."
Exactly. You're not like her. And you're not being compared to her either. He is in a relationship with you not because you happened to walk by and he grabbed whatever he got at the moment. He is with you because YOU are attractive to him, in your very own, very different way than she is. If you and her are different in all aspects then there's got to be something amazing about you that she doesn't have. Do you follow my logic?
I admire this mans honesty. It' a LOT better that he is honest with you about this, than sneaking around. His honesty means you can trust him. He is honest about loving her. Well then he is also honest about loving you, and you being the only one he wants to share his life with.
But he is asking a lot from you. And, he hasn't managed to convince you that you are his top dog, the alpha female, the number one woman in his life. If he'd been able to convince you of this, through actions and through the test of time, then it'd be different I imagine.
I think you should talk to your fiance about this more often than you do. This isn't settled business, and it's be unwise to marry him when things are this way. If you want a future with him, and he wants a future with you, then this needs to change. Imagine going for a life time feeling like second best, no one should have to feel that way!
What I am saying here is that he needs to tell you who his number one woman is. Where his loyalty lies. The answer should be you, at least if he has the intention of marrying you. I think it is great that you aren't telling him to never talk to her again. But you being threathened by her tells me one out of two things. Either you are insecure, or he isn't positioning you as his number one priority, hence your fear. In this case I do believe it is the second option: he isn't showing you that you are his number one priority. At least, he isn't showing it well enough.
It could be that he made a blunder and made you think she was his number one, but hasn't been making actions to support that assumption since. However it takes time to heal and see that you in fact are his number one. Think back on when things were said/done that made you feel like second best. And then evaluate if these were episodes where you added extra meaning to it, because of your fears, or if they were actual signs of you being his number two.
If they were actual signs you need to talk about it. He needs to know what is causing your worries and fears so he will know how to make you feel like his number one. What he could have done differently for example, or what you'd like him to do in these cases. It could be small things, like hugging you and kissing you before he talks to her and after. Small affectionate signs like these can mean a lot.
Next, if it has been a long time since he has made any moves to suggest you are not his number one priority, then all you need is time. Time to focus on what he actually DOES do to show you how much you mean to him, and how little he actually does that shows he favours her. Imagine if she was a guy friend, and he acted the same way to them. Would you have been worried or not? This is a good indicator of whether you are adding extra meaning to it just because it's her, or if his actions actually do mean something more.
Lastly I want to tell you that someone with a big heart can love several people. They are all loved in different ways. He loves his mother (probably, most of us do). He loves other family members. He loves his good friends. He loves her. He loves you. He loves every person in a different way, unique to that person. When the heart is big and full of love there is room for plenty of people in it. And this is an ability that you will learn to appreciate in the years to come.
Talk to him about this. You don't want to be the ONLY woman he loves. But you want, and should, be the TOP WOMAN he loves. The number one priority. The one where his loyalty lies. Do you understand the difference? You can't ever be the only woman he loves, no woman can. He will love female family members, or female friends. Or any daughter he ever gets. There will always be other men, and women, that he will love. So the point isn't to be the ONLY WOMAN. The point is to be the number one priority in his life.
And.. I think you are. He's there with you, not her, after all. If you move to another country, away from her, he'll follow YOU, wont he? Those are signs that you are his number one priority.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 March 2012):
 I know exactly what works but from an outsider's point of view I don't want to be with this guy who knows your insecurity but still chooses to prey on this weakness of yours, for an ego boost. To play this game you act like you don't give a damn about their friendship and nothing they do affects you. You act like just as confident and adventurous as that girl. You are aloof, you don't care where this relationship is going and make him feel like there is a possibility that he can't have you.
Only if you feel like doing this without feeling sick of playing games. What you are doing now, trying to chase him back when he is not as attentive, is what is pushing him away. Reverse psychology will pull him back but you have to figure out if he is back because this is part of the chase, or does he really love you. Also ask yourself what do you really love about him. Do you love him because of his qualities or because you can't have him.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J  +, writes (16 March 2012):
 It looks like you are dealing with polyamory here. It's not often that I'm at a loss as to how to help, but if your mind-set isn't the same as his there may not be a solution.
I think I'll pass this over to those older and wiser aunts/uncles....
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