A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:About 4 - 5 years ago, me and my boyfriend of 6 years decided to finally try swinging after playing around with the idea for a while. I was scared out of my mind that I was actually going to go through with it, but chalked it up to newbie nerves. Oddly enough, the person we choose was an ex of mine who lived out of state. The idea of doing him felt easier since I already had in the past and my boyfriend was turned on to it from me telling him old sex stories from back then. He hooked everything up in a hotel, had a few drinks, and went out it no holds bar, with boyfriend in on the action too. During sex I did have a few moments of awkwardness, but overall i enjoyed myself. Afterward on the ride home, my mood changed. What I had just done was bothering me now. Up until that point, I had never slept with someone outside of a relationship, and it made me feel like a whore. I clammed up when he excitedly wanted to talk about it, which didn't make him happy at all, after seeing what an obvious good time I had. Not wanting to disappoint him, I told him that I just was feeling sick. That was where I went wrong.Months later he decided we should do a stranger that we met online. Nervously, I agreed, wanting to make up for last time. With this new guy I could never relax and have fun. I just went through the motions and put on a show that fooled them both. For the next 4 years, we went through around 20 swinging sessions. Had he had it his way, it would have been a lot more, but there were many times that I admitted that I was just too nervous, and reluctantly made him upset. He couldn't understand how i could "obviously" be having fun with it, and then turn it down given the opportunity. We only ended up doing that one stranger, and the rest were acquaintances and friends. Even though he enjoyed them all, he said that the friends were more for me, because he found it a tad uncomfortable. Little did he know I found them all very uncomfortable, but stuck with the friends cause it was easier than someone I didn't know at all. Besides doing strangers, the set up he desired the most was me doing the guy I dated before him alone, with a hidden camera. Early in the relationship I mentioned that he was well endowed, and my boyfriend never forgot it. The problem was that I really truely loved this ex, and he had broke my heart. The whole idea was nerve wrecking, and me saying no really bothered him because he thought that it showed that there were still feelings there. After years of arguments, terrible anxiety, hurt feelings, and lots of lying and pretending, I couldn't take it anymore and came clean. I didn't know what to expect, but hoped that seeing me so upset, he would realize that, even though I had been lying to him the whole time, I had done it all for him to make him happy. Instead, he called me a liar and said that I was only telling him this to get out of doing the ones that he wanted to do, and claimed that I was only thinking about myself by doing the friends that I "desperately" wanted to do and he could have cared less about. He said I was selfish and didn't care for him at all,. This was the total opposite of what I had been trying to show the whole time and the only reason I struggled through it! There was no convincing him otherwise though. We called the swinging off, but he never let me live it down. After being together for this long, I was desperate to make it better. So, I made my second mistake. I told him that I would give it another shot. I asked that he try to help me by discussing my thoughts and fears, and maybe having a grace period of getting to know strangers before sex. He said that we'd just see how it goes, and that was all I got. In his mind I owed him, so why would be cater to my needs that he thought were pointless, since he had seen me perform in the past just fine. Sure enough, 3 guys later (still only friends mind you, cause even though he claims he doesn't like them, he still suggest them, and I still choose them over strangers) I'm worse off than I was before. He says that I still haven't "fixed" anything cause by not doing the ones he "really wants" I still owe him, which means I must not care for him at all. He also claims that if I would just give him what he needs, that my debt would be paid and we could quit. He even gets upset when I don't get excited about just talking about doing someone else, because he thinks that it should turn me on and be fun. Even talking about it and trying to act into it has become something I hate doing, cause I'm miserable trying to pretend I'm into something that I'm not. Any advice you could give me would be wonderful and I appreciate you taking the time to read about my lengthy ordeal.
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debt, liar, met online, period, swinging Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): Your boyfriend is a highly manipulative individual and it is obvious that he objectifies you. He's obsessed with his twisted cuckold fantasies and has zero regard for your feelings and emotions. Just go back to your post read up on how many times he makes you out to be the bad person when your express your reservations about having sex with others, or when your feelings have been hurt and you need time to sort things out.His behavior is along the lines of how a sociopath operates. He lacks empathy, he sees you as an object, and he is highly manipulative. You need to get out of this mess.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 August 2012):
 You have tried and tried and you don't like it. So STOP doing it.
I understand that you are willing to do almost anything to make the relationship work, but I must say that I honestly think something was WAY broke for you two to think Swinging is good for a relationship. Specially if you had reservations and felt so strongly after the first time.
You need to end it. Stop the swinging. If he can't accept that, then he is NOT the guy for you. No one should "make" themselves do things sexually to keep their partner happy. That just ain't right.
I'm curious too, when you two swing is it ALWAYS with 1 extra person? And always a man?
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A
female
reader, shellycg  +, writes (31 August 2012):
 HI
It saddened me when I read your column
This man you are with sadly has no compassion, respect or even thought of your well being, your physiological state of mind and also what must it being doing to your friends ships with these guys he wants you to sleep with...
you have articulated very well your concerns and I feel your anxiety when writing about what your partner is expecting of you. Whether you think it now or later on in life this is not condusive to a healthy relationship ,SWINGING is bad - bad - bad news, you obviously have feelings for this man but he doesnt have the same feelings back about you.
My partner used to go Swinging with a couple of his ex girlfriends but would NOWAY dream of doing it now, as he says he has found the one and under no circumstances wants to share me with anyone else... this is what your partner should be saying to you, instead he throws a tantrum when you say enough is enough, he calls you a liar when you say you dont want to do it anymore and then still wants you to have sex with an ex !! un-believable - you have to ask whats his state of mind if he wants you to do that and keep doing it for that matter.
We all have fantasies and sometimes they really have to stay as exactly that... if i were you i would get out now, find a nice man who loves you for you, who cherishes you, and most of all respects you..
Hugs to you sweetie. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Your boyfriend is controlling you and you need to dump him...quick.
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A
female
reader, Chicago Girl +, writes (30 August 2012):
 You tried it - gave it a chance - and it just isn't for you!! Find a new boyfriend that you can be happy with.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Set aside some quiet time, breath, stretch and relax. Then look at this objectively.What benefits does your boyfriend offer you that you cannot get on your own, with someone else, or do without?Is there anything about him that is so wonderful and so remarkable that makes the price you're paying worth it?Do you respect him? Are you proud of him? I don't mean does he have some good qualities, I mean the man as a whole. Are you proud of who he is? Are you proud of who you are while you're with him? To me, all he is is horny. Nothing more. Not wise, not brave, not strong, not interesting, not enviable, not industrious, not even cunning. Just horny, vulgar and predictable.Your dislike of this lifestyle was obvious to anyone who cared enough to pay attention. Your boyfriend probably saw it too, but pretended not to notice as long as you were willing to go along with it. He knew but didn't care. He didn't care about the mental and physical risks you were exposed to. He didn't care if others found out and your reputation was ruined. He doesn't care enough about your family to treat their daughter/sister properly.You owe your boyfriend nothing. You owe yourself a great deal. If you live with him and rely on him financially then speak to your family privately and arrange to stay with them until you can stand on your own two feet. Then quietly pack your things and move out when he's at work.If you can support yourself then get your ducks in a row, make other living arrangements and quietly and quickly move out while he's at work.If you don't live with him, then send him an email telling him it's over. Don't get into too much detail. It's pointless. He doesn't care anyway. The impersonal approach is better because then you can't be bullied or pressured by him over the phone or face to face. Then block and delete him and block his phone number or better yet change yours and have it unlisted. Stop trying to reason with him. There is nothing to salvage here. You're never going to have a quality life with him because he is not a quality person and the more time you spend with him the more damage you do to yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): psycho abuser, it doesn’t matter what you say or do, he is always gone find a reason to bully you in to it, don’t be naive or stupid, he knows how terrible you feel doing this, i am quite sure he has known all alone, but he just does not care for as long as you keep giving him what he wants.i can only guess by the reaction he had when you explained how uncomfortable and terrible you feel doing this, SEE how he completely dismissed your feelings and turned it around to make you feel bad for ruining his fun with your feelings and emotions?Fixing this? he has been using you for a long time and believe me if you give him what you ''owe'' HIM he is gone find another reason to stop you from quitting, one way or another he will we turn this around on you to get what he so desperately craves!!!leave ASAP, yesterday gone!!!!!!abusive sociopath this one!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Advice?
Put this "boyfriend" and this/HIS(!) lifestyly behind you and go away from him and try to start your adult life all over again... by yourself and on your terms....
Good luck.... sounds like you've worked hard in a "no chance for success" situation.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): If he truely loved you and respected you, he would never have put you through this humiliation.
You need to leave him and find someone that loves you and not willing to share you.
Dont listen to any of his lies and false promises as they will come when you say you are leaving him. Goodluck
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A
male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (30 August 2012):
3 pieces of advice, please please please heed them:
LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE
what he is doing is abuse of the worst kind pure and simple, he does not care for you, get out..good luck, you deserve better.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I have only perused the entire post, I don't need to read the details to tell you that swinging never fixes broken.
I know of a few couples where swinging worked. all are married over 20 years each. all went into swinging before being married... NONE to try to FIX anything.
every single couple (including my own failed marriage) that went into swinging to fix something broke up... marriage ended...
you owe him nothing... you are not swinging for the right reasons.. he's not a husband... leave.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 August 2012):
 I don't see this as "fixable". Time to pack your bags and don't look back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I would leave him right now. The casual sex crap is out of control. The reason you feel bad is because a huge majority of people are just not built for that lifestyle. You are one of that huge majority. To hell with your bf, leave that guy now. He is a narcissus and a sociopath.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I would leave him right now. The casual sex crap is out of control. The reason you feel bad is because a huge majority of people are just not built for that lifestyle. You are one of that huge majority. To hell with your bf, leave that guy now. He is a narcissus and a sociopath.
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (30 August 2012):
 This entire situation is messed up. You can only have a swinger relationship if both partners are comfortable, and you are not. Worse off, he makes you feel guilty for being uncomfortable.
I would say leavehim. He obviously cares about getting off more than he does your relationship.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (30 August 2012):
You don’t owe him anything, your body is not a commodity to use to repay some imagined debt to this guy so if you don’t like it, stop it! This just goes to show what a terrible Pandora’s box gets opened once you start bringing other people in to what was an exclusive relationship. It’s even worse when you try to have meaningless, emotionless sex with people you actually care about. It seems as though the relationship now has to be an open relationship for your boyfriend to be happy, and one on his terms. He’s clearly not bothered how you feel about this, so the stark reality is that if you hate swinging so much, walk away from this relationship and don’t ever get sucked in to this lifestyle again.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Oh my God leave!!How have you put up with sleeping with men who you haven't wanted to, for your boyfriend...for almost 5 years!!He is treating you horribly, and you need to leave him on his own now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Yes, my advise is RUN. You are compromising your health, your happiness and integrity for a guy that is an abuser. What he is no different than physical violence or emotional abuse. RUN.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): Um why shouldn't it turn you on, cause not everyone has the same point of views sexually, apparently he is too naive to see that.
This guy sounds of a real a**hole to me, telling you that you owe him, FOR WHAT!! Your the one making yourself uncomfortable for him, whats he done?
I think you should find someone not so selfish, that wont make you feel like you owe and have to disrespect yourself. Find a guy that will listen and understand, respect you and love you for who you are.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (30 August 2012):
Leave now.
You don't owe him anything.
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