A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice on what to do. My bf of 2 years has 2 kids just starting their teenage years, which I have been through already and not sure if I can do it again. When we first got together we had them every other w/e and occasionally other nights which I am absolutely fine with. Now the children and their mother wants them to live with us half the time. We are in the process of moving and my bf is looking for a place big enough for everyone. My bf keeps finding properties around the corner from where they live now and I really dont want to live that close. I feel very selfish feeling this way but financially I feel we couldn't cope, their mother has made it very clear she will still be claiming child benefit, etc. We would still have to pay child support aswell it just gets reduced, which I know I would feel resentment if we have them half the time. The kids are good kids in general, typical early teens that constantly ask us for this and that, my bf is a soft touch and they know this. Am I a bad person because I don't want things to change? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 if the children will be with you more than they were, then his support to her should be reduced. but not eliminated UNLESS the kids are split 50/50 time wise and mom and dad make the same amount of money (or close to it) not including what spouses/live in partners contribute. Since most of the time men make more than women it seems fair to me that he still contribute to the home they live in 50% of the time.
If you feel you would resent him supporting his children either at his home or the home they share with their mother, to the extent they deserve, then perhaps you need to walk away from the relationship.
the biggest reason second marriages break up is children issues followed by money issues... you have both combined.
and NO you are not a bad person for not wanting things to change unless the children are not safe where they are which does not sound like the problem.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 August 2012):
 You are correct that Teenagers cost a whole lot more than younger children. Plus you are realistic enough to know that the ex is going to ensure that she maximises the benefits for her financially.
And sometimes teens grow into adults who still do not want to live home. Think what this could become. It all depends on how important he is to you. And how important you are to him.
But a man's children are his greatest achievement. Try to push for him to put you first and his children second and the outcome may not favour you.
Even if you do not want to be a part of this your partner will regard his children and what his children want as paramount in his life.
If you are unable to be a part of this change then you may lose him. It will certainly undermine the relationship if you are not comfortable with this change.
And I think the your partner's ex is aware that all the turmoil often present amongst teenagers is about to escalate and so she wants to share the pain. But not share the cash.
Yes it will impact on the family budget. It will impact on family life. It will also impact on your relationship with your guy.
The ex may even see this as a way to undermine your relationship with her former husband.
You are not a bad person at all. You are being cautious. You think all the issues have not yet been worked out. YOu want some boundaries set. You want some issues negotiated and you still want some guaranteed relationship time with your guy. And money may be too tight to enlist lawyers in to negotiate a settlment that is equitable and acceptable to all parties.
But at the very least your guy does need to respect your part in all this. As it will be far more work for you (washing, cooking, encouraging teens to pull their weight at home, less time with your guy, more funds needed to fun this change). Emotionally it could break your relationship with your guy.
As for time to discuss the issues in an open non-judgemental way. If he cannot do that then he is not respecting your input and the component that represents your involvement in his family. He cannot just impose this change on you and ask you to 'put up with it now, because it might work'
And, depending on how important you are to him, and depending on how much the relationship that exists between the two of you means to him then he will or will not be prepared to consider all the implications and try to make changes to better protect your relationship with each other.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): No, you are not a bad person. When you are happy it is reasonable to not want things to change. I am going through the same situation except his daughter has moved in full time now and it is really difficult.
However, they are his kids and he has a right to live with them. He loves them and you. If you really love him and want him in your life try to be supportive and talk to him calmly about what you need to be okay with this. Perhaps a rules chart or a specified sacrosanct date night for you two. Just be honest with yourself and him.
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