A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a secondary school teacher 11-18 and always find myself attracted to students. I'm 28 and married. I find myself attracted to the older students and sometimes thinking what the younger students will grow up to look like. I have never acted on any impulse and have never commented to a student about their looks but I find this worrying and wanted to know what others think.Though I'm married I'm not sure how much I fancy my wife. I'm always keen in bed and ready to make love (maybe a bit too ready) but not sure how attractive I find my wife at the moment as she seems to not care much how she looks. Perhaps this is the issue.Thoughts much appreciated Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (20 November 2011):
First of all kudos to you for recognizing your issue (attraction to the students) and being bothered by it! When I clicked this question I was really afraid to read about a man trying to rationalize dating students, but thankfully that wasn't the case.
If your wife is depressed and not properly taking care of herself, I can see why you would get less attracted to her. But that's what marriages is about: being there for one another even when things aren't going so well. Often people stuck in a rut need a nudge from someone else to get going again.
So try being attentive through little gestures. Hugging her, telling her you love her when you guys share a nice moment, etc. About the weight gain: initiate a healthier lifestyle and get her to tag along. If she says why, tell her: "I've been feeling sluggish and tired lately and I've noticed you have the same problem, so I think if we do this together we'll feel better."
Do grocery shopping and get healthier foods. More veggies, more protein, less carbs from rice, potatoes and pasta. Less wine alcohol, more water and tea. In your case, eat more green leafed veggies as they contain more essential metals like iron. It's different absorbing that stuff from veggies than taking a pill.
If you can, try setting up some kind of exercise regimen that doesn't take a lot of time. This website offers free 15 minute workouts that are very effective: www.bodyrock.tv. I use those myself and have gotten good results that way.
If you are both too tired for that, at least get the nutritional part down, as that is the most important aspect of a healthy lifestyle. When have too little time to cook, prepare the meals in advance and put them in the freezer (I always do this on a sunday).
I'm convinced that when you both start living healthier, you'll start feeling better and in her case, more content with her appearance and more inclined to take care of that appearance.
A
female
reader, Student of Life  +, writes (20 November 2011):
I think if we go back to your first statement;"I'm a secondary school teacher 11-18 and always find myself attracted to students."we have the underlying issue you are talking about. You need to be more honest with yourself. The word "always" in that sentence is, frankly, alarming.Please, please change professions.You sound highly sexed, and it may only be a matter of time before you begin pushing boundaries and becoming progessively more deviant.The fact you are thinking about children and teens in this way is WRONG. You need to change careers, and seek intensive psychotherapy. I'm glad you've reached out in this forum, and are undergoing therapy presently. Stick with it. It is a long hard road, to change these preferences you've developed.If you don't change them now, they will escalate and you will seek darker and darker deviant outlets. Thoughts will become actions.The damage you could do to children, teens, your wife, and your own children is immense. Please, please seek the help you clearly need. Invest in it - see a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist - it will not be cheap. But it will not be as costly as acting on those thoughts would be. Mere counselling will not suffice - seek out a highly trained psychotherapist who specializes in sexual deviance of this type.I just hope you heed the warnings. It is not normal, or healthy to think of your students - "always" - in this way. Please pursue a different career, where you will only be working with adults.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did in the first reply albeit fleetingly. my wife's super tired as both my kids have both slept pretty roughly as well as very little..their requirements just seem that way.I try and give her breaks so she can catch up but it's difficult and never enough. Plus I feel very overworked and stressed out at the moment too.I agree with there being underlying issues and have tried counselling (for me) but it didn't help much. I'm going to go and try psychotherapy to try and iron out some issues I have
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (17 November 2011):
 Hey, you never mentioned kids. She's probably tired. You just came here to talk about stuff that is bothering you. Avoiding dealing with some other issues. You need to fix that too.
You two should maybe have a talk about the things that are bothering you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy wife's super weird...she has no longing for spa's, restaurants and the like. Cinemas/theatres yes, but it's a bit pricey and plus we have no one to leave the kids with. No one. I think that's a tricky one as she's ALWAYS around the kids. I've told her she can go and meet friends and leave me with the kids but all her close friends she'd like to see live far away now.Massage is good but the only time I'd get to give her a massage is when th ekids are asleep and she'd rather sleep. Plus whenever the oil's out and I have her skin I get far too randy! My oily wife's hot stuff! :-)I've re evaluated and think I might be getting stressed with this because I have so many other stresses that are getting me down and maybe trying to avoid those with an over riding one. or maybe my explanation is me wishing it away. -confused-
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Is your wife depressed? She may need to visit her GP if she has the signs of depression.
I mean tell her she's pretty when she's not all dolled up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (14 November 2011):
Your human, and young women are pretty, you have eyes and you can see. Your feelings are normal. As long as you take no action, then who can see what is in your mind.Anyway, you need to get your wife sorted out and you need to be diplomatic. Buy her sexy stuff, some nice clothes, perfume, and crap.. she will like the presents, and hopefully she will wear them. How about making time to go to the gymn together, or do exercise together at home, or increase sex, it's good for loosing weight. Just tell her you feel unfit and you'd like her help, and her company to get in better shape. Working together like this will hopefully make you feel closer.Take her out to a fancy restaurant, it gives her an excuse to get dressed up, and will help both of you to remember what dating was like. Or maybe just get dressed up, and you cook a fancy dinner at home. I appreciate, as a teacher you have little time, and your wife is feeling upset about the way she is looking. It happens to all of us. It's a confidence thing, so don't tackle it directly, just think of all the ways to show her she is a beautiful woman who just needs to spend a little more time trying to make herself look good, which will give her the big boost of self-confidence she needs.Opps... forgot spa's, spa's are a great way for you both to relax and feel confident in your skin. Think of what you can do to make her feel sexy and special, words just won't do it, they are not enough, because you can't tell the truth and she knows this. Ps: And massage.. back massage with oil is always good.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses.
I think I may have sold myself short a little.
I am not solely attracted to young girls and by no means a paedophile. I am still very attracted to ladies and fantasise about women too (perhaps a bit too much).
I am in a loving, supportive relationship and separation from my wife and kids would be detrimental to me. My wife has put on weight and let her grooming habits go downhill. I try to tell her that I find her attractive, especially in the moments she does look real nice, but she'll often say that she doesn't feel pretty.
I agree that teaching isn't the job with someone who has thoughts like me but I've wanted to be a teacher since I left school and I'm good at my job. Liked by both staff and students and producing some great results.
Help/advice is most appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (14 November 2011):
 Change careers and fast. You are not suited for this line of work. No need to "act" on your impulses, having the impulse is dangerous enough.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 Watch your self buddy. You act on those desires and you'll end up 'bunking with Buba" in some concrete cell.And let me educate you the Bubas in prison just LOVE pediphiles. I'd seek help or change proffesions if I were you.
...............................
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 November 2011):
Oh boy, I wouldn't want you teaching my daughter. I believe you need to keep your hands to yourself.
Hopefully, no students who are in love with their teachers will be reading this and using this as encouragement.
You're not that attracted to your wife, so what do you think she needs to change about her appearance?? Has she put on a few pounds? Does she lounge around the house in baggy tees and sweat pants?
There's not much you can do, except to remind her how beautiful she is every now and then. Maybe even suggest that she go down to the hair salon and spoil herself with a new hair do. Or suggest that she go shopping for some nice new clothing. Other than that, keep in mind the reason why you married your wife...not because of her good looks, but because of your profound love for her. Right??
...............................
A
male
reader, asap09marc +, writes (13 November 2011):
 Pal, you need to join an adult date swingers site where you can find a match and explore your fantasies. You should not be fantasising over schoolies,its dangerous and you will end up on the dole. Why not get a school uniform for your wife to wear. Take my expert advise before the coppers come knocking on your door disturbing your sunday lunch.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 November 2011):
 Finding someone attractive is ok. Acting on it is what's not okay. So as things are, you're not doing anything wrong. It's normal to look at others even while in a relationship. As they saying goes, you can look at the meny as long as you dine at home. In your case it is a tad bit different seeing as they are your students, but you are still human, you see someone attractive and you will find them attractive, even if they are off limits in any number of ways.
Work on your problems with your wife and remember that marriage, and relationships, go up and down. Things aren't always at their best, but that does not mean you can't have a wonderful time together later on.
Of course this is connected with your wife though, if you are less enthusiastic about her your eyes will wander, and if you are totally consumed by your wife you wont be looking at anyone else. But just because you find her less attractive now doesn't mean you wont be head over heels for her in 2 years time. You're married to her though, this is for life. You can't expect it to be roses the entire time. Just work on it and pull through it, talk to her, and find out how you can find her more attractive again, or just settle with not being that attracted to her at the moment and give it time. Might be she will focus more on her appearance again later on, without you saying anything.
...............................
|
