A
female
age
30-35,
*oto71811
writes:My fiancee and I have been together for almost three years now, and we have a 1 1/2 year old daughter together. I'm about to be 20, and he just turned 19 in August. We're going to get married here in the next month or so.Now, my problem is, I've been having sexual dreams about his older (I believe he's 23.) brother lately, and have realized that I might actually be attracted to him, almost like a crush on him I guess? Now I'd never act on this attraction, I love my fiancee way too much. But the reason I feel like it's going to be a problem is because his brother might possibly be moving in with us soon. I'm not sure how that's going to affect me? My fiancee and I are very open with each other, but I just don't think this would sit well with him considering he's had past girlfriends who have actually cheated on him with his brother. I just kind of needed to get this off my chest. I'm not sure if I should tell my fiancee about this either? I'm rather confused. haha.
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (3 October 2012):
From your post, I can say without fear of contradiction that you are not ready to get married. If you get married to you current fiancee, you will be divorced within 5 years. Not a guess.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2012):
 just because you are having dreams does not mean you are truly attracted to him. we can't control our dreams as much as we think.. it's just our brains working through stuff.
I'm sorry to say this but I would NOT let the deadbeat brother move in for many reasons... the dreams being the least of the problems.
IF the brother is a user (sounds like he is) and he thinks he's God's gift to women and he's already got a history of letting his brother's gf's cheat with him, he is bad news on so many levels....
even if you live together
getting married is a big stressor in your life
having a toddler is a huge stressor in your life
a deadbeat roommate is a huge stressor too.
let him live with mommy and daddy or a friend or go to a shelter. If you RESCUE him he will never learn to take care of himself.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (3 October 2012):
First of all, this guy should not live at your place. Tell your fiancee all your objections (without mentioning the crush of course). Stand firm. You don't want him to move in with you, end of discussion. It's non negotiable.
I mean, you're getting married. Two of you, 3 including your daughter. You don't want to kick off that marriage with taking someone in who doesn't behave responsibly. It's a train wreck waiting to happen.
Most importantly, the best lesson for lazy bums is to let them fall and learn to pick themselves up again. If people are always going to be taking care of him and his living arrangements, he'll never learn to take care of himself. Tough love is the best love sometimes. Your fiancee needs to learn this.
Now, onto the crush problem.
I've had a lot of crushes I knew I couldn't act upon. Either the guy was married, had a gf, I had bf, etc. I always managed to stay on the right path in that regard.
The key to curbing a crush (any crush, not just this guy):
#1. Do not indulge yourself. Don't fantasize/daydream about him. Don't sit close to him if it's not necessary, don't go out of your way to talk to him. Don't flirt. Treat him as an acquaintance, not a friend.
#2. Think of all of those you'd hurt if you'd cross the line. What would your child think when she finds out that mom and dad broke up because mom couldn't keep her hands off someone else?
#3. Think of what it would make him if he'd cheat on his own brother with you, the fiancee. The idea that he actually stole his brother's previous girlfriends before should already make him unattractive to you. It means he has little regard for his brother's feelings and puts his own wants first, no matter the consequences. That's no man I'd desire. Basically you have to make him as unattractive to you as you can. This guy is a lazy deadbeat bum. Pick him apart in your head until the idea of getting together with this man disgusts you just by thinking it.
#4. Pay more attention to your fiancee! Do more fun stuff with him, go on dates again, dress up for each other. Cook weird, exotic recipes together. Don't get settled in a boring routine. This will keep your mind off any other guy. You have to keep the relationship fresh.
#5. Grow up. Play time is over. Curbing a crush is not something you try. You DO it. This dude is no threat to your relationship. If something happens, it's because you LET it. So don't. It's that simple. Once you grasp that you'll find that it really is.
Lastly, if for some reason he moves in with you and he tries to come on to you, be firm. Tell him that not only you are not interested, you're also disgusted he'd betray his brother so easily. Then kick him out. No second chances, no nothing.
Curbing crushes is not easy. But if you put your mind to it and don't make excuses for yourself, you will be very effective in dealing with them and preventing them.
Good luck. And don't let anyone manipulate/guilt trip you into allowing something you do not want. You're in charge of your life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 If you can't keep your crushes under control then you're bound to cheat at one point or another in life. Knwoing you have a crush on his brother, or an attraction towards him, you shoudl distance yourself and nip it in the bud. Kill off that crush. Not indulge in it.
If you don't then it's his brother now, and then someone else later, and then someone else after that. The world is full of attractive men, and you don't go blind just because you're in a relationship/get married. You need to learn to not act on impulses and control your feelings/crushes. Nip it in the bud.
If you think it'll be difficult to get rid of this crush if he moves in with you, then tell your fiance you don't think it is a good idea that he moves in. That you don't feel like it, because it'll be crowded, or because you're about to be married soon and want the privacy, or whatever excuse you can come up with. Or simply that you don't like the though of it.
But then again, maybe he moves in and you learn that he's not attractive at all, that he leaves crap all around the house, or that he doesn't flush the toilet, or that he snores, or that he stinks and doesn't like taking showers. You might get over him fast.
But at the end of the day: having crushes on others is normal. You're not blind just because you're in a relationship, but you need to know when to stop and where the line is.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 SageOldGuy is right on.
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A
male
reader, Jozy og  +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Not all dreams mean exactly what they look like, u need to take the dream as dream {not real} if u realy love ur fiance and will want to get marry to him
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 October 2012):
 I can't believe that you know this... understand how destructive it would, certainly, be if you acted upon it... and you can't convince yourself to stifle your primative urges and let this drop!!!!
C'mon!!!! You're 20 years old - NOT 14!!!!! And this is "life".... NOT Junior High School!!!!
I hope you can get past this without screwing up the FOUR lives involved....
Work at it. Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (2 October 2012):
Honestly, I would call off your marriage and wait until you have figured out exactly what you want in life. It's one thing to have sexual dreams, it's another to think you might be attracted to someone else...be it a family member of your fiance or a total stranger.
That said, I also think it is a mistake to allow anyone to live with you when you are thinking about getting married. This could cause problems no matter who it is as witnessed by many many posters on this site.
I think you need to take a step back and reassess your life. If you don't know what or who you want, I certainly want make the mistake of getting married.
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A
female
reader, toto71811 +, writes (2 October 2012):
toto71811 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's also a dead beat who lives off of other people; thats one of the reasons he's going to be living with us for a while. I don't understand why I'm even having this problem because he's a piece of crap, honestly. :\
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A
female
reader, toto71811 +, writes (2 October 2012):
toto71811 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOn top of everything, he's a dead beat. He can't hold a job and lives off of everyone else all the time; that's why he might move in with us...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 October 2012):
 If he wasn't thinking of moving in with you, I'd say the best course of action is to "starve" the attraction, meaning to have as little contact with the brother as possible.
However, the brother possibly moving in with you changes things. If the "possibly" becomes a "definitely", I think you should tell your fiance that it's not a good idea. Don't outright tell him that you're attracted to him, but tell him that you worry that if he moves in, that puts you in danger of possibly opening the door to an attraction you don't want at all interfering with the love you have for him. It's truthful, but tactful.
Otherwise, stay away from the brother. Don't have one-on-one conversations or go out or maintain a texting relationship. Starve the attraction, and it will fade. The problem most people have is that they do the opposite and nurture it for years.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 October 2012):
 Do not tell him about your crush on his brother. Do not act on your crush on his brother. Do not marry him until you only have eyes for him, not his brother.
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