A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Need help. I became somewhat close friends with a woman a few years back because our kids were in same class. For the first year or two, we just exchanged occasional text about school ect and , although my wife wasn't as close, my wife knew we were friends. Fast forward to this year and this girl has befriended my wife (they text back and forth , make plans ect), but she also still continues to text me personally. It's never gone there as far as over the line, but I kind of think we both know we have to watch over selves because there is an attraction and lots in common ect.In some ways I know she became friends with wife ( and I with her husband) because we knew we couldn't last as friends unless we bought it all out in open, which I agree with. The problem is that, I am attracted to her and she'll call/text me during the week to make jokes, tell me about life ect. I felt myself wanting to know more and TBH i'm not sure how to control it. I NEVER initiate texting or calling and she does 100%...I can't help feel like a small thing in my gut that she's playing a game..trying to see if I break , go over line or maybe even screw with my family? I don't think she'd do as I know her pretty well but I'm somewhat confused by what is happening.Just an insight into her..she does have 1 or 2 other close male friends that actually go to their house and have dinner with her and husband and stuff like that..so a good part of me just believes she is able to befriend males and not have it "be" anything..so basically doing same with me. Anyway, I do like them both as friends..but I have to find a way to get rid of the attraction..whats going on here?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 February 2020):
 We don't know if this lady is simply someone who is used to establish good , platonic friendships with males,and sees you as one of them, or if, instead, she is a c..kteaser who feeds off being
wanted and courted by male acquaintances . Either way, that's her business, not yours. It does not concern you . What concerns you, it's your great wife and adorable family, whom, I suppose, you would never want to see hurt or disrespected by anybody - including yourself. If you really think your wife is great, you should have no trouble avoiding even the hint, even the suspicion of anything not totally proper , totally aboveboard between you and one of her , and your, friends. Who cares if the lady is just being sociable, or hitting on you ? the point is , you know you are attracted, so at risk of acting stupid and making you and your wife look like a bloody fool- so just pull back. As much as possible without provoking a row. Cut way back on socializing, don't answer when she texts you . Keep your distance as much as it is possible doing that without making a scandal and hurting severely people's feelings.
So what even if she is trying to see if you " break " ?
( which, btw, personally I don't think it's the case ). Do you want to break ? No ? Then SHOW her you are unbreakable, and she will get tired of trying.
This , if you mean it , that you think your wife is great. But apparently she is not even great enough, in your eyes, to prevent you from indulging in ego-stroking fantasies and going sniffing after her own friends…...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2020): This is pretty simple really , stop thinking with your d...k.
Either that or let your wife know how you feel about the other woman and let her decide whether she still wants to be bothered with you or if she would rather be with a man who spends his sexual thoughts and energy on her . I’m sure plenty of guys out there will be happy to take her off your hands and you can have your kids every second weekend ... but hey , at least you can have sex with whatever women you’re attracted to
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 February 2020):
 "my wife is great and I adore my family"
Perhaps you should remind yourself of this every time you are engaging in texting with this other woman, taking energy away from your marriage? Then, if THAT doesn't stop you, imagine what your life would be like WITHOUT then.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2020): As someone who has crossed the line, I can tell you that I wish it never happened and that I regret that I was so stupid and weak. It's the worst hell on earth. I wish when I was in your shoes right at the edge of succumbing to temptation, that I had the power to stop myself. The fact is, I could have. But I chose not to. And it has ruined me, my life and the lives of others.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2020):
 Let her know that you can no longer chat/text one-on-one due to you lack of self-control.
IF you can't control yourself, who is supposed to do that for you? Your wife? That woman? Her husband?
Have some common sense.
This woman ENJOYS having married men go go-go ga-ga over her, you are just ONE of many that serve to stroke her ego and feed of "need" to be desired.
YOU are FEEDING that. Think about it. It could be ANY Tom, Dick or Harry (and from what you write there are a couple more men she has these "friendships" with) so you are a spare. Nothing more. If you stopped texting and chatting with her she'd find another and another and another.
Time to GROW up. Have a back bone and think about this. If the HUSBAND and your WIFE were doing what YOU are doing how would you feel? You probably wouldn't be to happy about that, right? So why can you act like this? Sure, nothing has "crossed" a line... technically, except you now THINK that you have the hots for her and she for you...
You know what you need to do. Be a man. Be responsible for you own actions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): imagine a roman general coming on dear cupid 2000 years ago crying about not being able to bang some woman....and other women/men berating the guy for it! How far we've come, how far we've come
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): texting and calling me every other day with no reason at all? I mean bro, you don't do that to anyone unless there is some level of attraction..except your own family of course
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 February 2020):
 I have to agree. What here shows any inclination that she likes you? You text through the week so that means she’s attracted to you? If that’s your only sign then I think you’re wildly misjudging this situation and you need to nip it in the bud before things get messy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): OP here..appreciate the advice. Hey, I'm on here asking instead of doing anything else , so give me some slack...
Look I'm under no illusion that I don't control my actions or that you can easily get into dangerous territory. Like I said, I'm here asking for help/advice because personally have never been in this situation before, thats it. I am friggen human being and don't have all of the answers!
For the person that said I didn't mention my wife..my wife is great and I adore my family!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 February 2020):
YOU'RE confused? I'M confused. I didn't read anything in your post which made me suspect this woman wants to be more than friends. She befriended your wife, for crying out loud. Does THAT alone not tell you she has no interest in you "in that way"? If she wanted to jump your bones, she would have kept well away from your wife.
She sounds like a woman who has friends regardless of gender. I have a number of close male friends but wouldn't dream of crossing a line to anything else. They are friends, end of. They just happen to be men. No big deal. My partner has met most of them and knows of all of them. I even go out drinking alone with one of them occasionally and my partner picks us up. If one of my male friends stepped over that invisible line, I would be MORTIFIED and probably never speak to them again because that is not what our friendship is about. I could certainly never look at them the same again or feel comfortable with them again.
Just because you are in a relationship doesn't make you immune to feeling attraction towards other people. However, what you choose to DO about that attraction is what defines your morals. You know you can feel attraction towards people without doing anything about it, don't you? If you make a move on your friend, one of two things will happen: either she will be horrified and you will lose a friend or you will have a messy affair which will eventually become common knowledge, as these seedy goings-on inevitably do, and you will break-up two families. Can you imagine how your children would react to their father messing around with their school friends' mother?
Act your age and understand your responsibilities lie with your wife and family. Interesting you only mention your wife in passing. Perhaps your relationship has become stale and this is the wake-up call you need to start putting in a bit more effort as a couple? Buy your wife some flowers (or whatever other small gift she would appreciate) and take her out for a meal and a date night. Rekindle what you had before the responsibilities of family life came along. It should help to take your mind off your "friend".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Let me give it to you straight, cowboy! I'm going to speak frankly...man to man! I'm going to make you switch which head you're thinking with!
Here's the thing my friend. You're thinking with your penis; and not considering the full-picture, or the consequences if things get out of hand.
That cliche b.s., like you just can't control yourself...give me a break!!! She's waving it in your face, and wants to see if she can manipulate you into stabbing your wife in the back! She wants to be the hot MILF in the porn flicks! Pretty scabby if you ask me!
What will you do when you get caught? Messaging in secret is still cheating!
All you can do is come-up with a bunch of stupid lies and excuses; that even a half-witted moron wouldn't believe! Let alone your wife! If things are failing in your marriage...hello...there's counseling, or a divorce!!!
I guess you want to go out with bang! Which is likely if the other woman's husband has a gun cabinet, and also happens to be trigger-happy! Too much stress and craziness going on in our country; and people are making the news doing crazy stuff you hardly would have imaged just three years ago! Do you really need to chase after a woman who chats with your wife? Look at yourself in the mirror when you shave, and ask your reflection if you're really that desperate for some stray-tail?
Your penis can't do anything or go anywhere; unless your body takes it there. Stop the texting. Otherwise, it's just temptation messing with your mind. You're sabotaging your marriage, because you don't have the balls to ask for a divorce. So get caught cheating, and make her do it?
Miss Fire-panties likes a lot of male-attention; and she's initiating you into her little male fan-club. She's the neighborhood-Jezebel who gets her kicks seducing the husband's of other females. If your wife slices your balls off; and served them fried with scrambled eggs. She'd be justified! All this crap like you can't control yourself! Come-on man!!! Having stuff in-common with another woman, and exchanging dopey messages means you get a free-pass to cheat behind your wife's back? Hiding behind a convenient facade of a phony-friendship. Conniving like a couple of thieves!
If you've got issues with your marriage, don't be stupid, and add more fuel to the fire by cheating. It's just another complication. She'll divorce you, take your kids, snatch half your assets; and you'll pay child-support on top of your own rent and living-expenses. Then she will make your life miserable with baby-mama drama; until the kids are in college. Hope you've got adult-kids; because if they're teenagers or younger, expect to be working an extra job to cover the legal fees for divorce, pay your bills, and still put the kid(s) through college. Oh...btw...you're going to catch hell from your kids; because you're the one caught cheating! I don't care if she ever did it herself, they'll figure you are the reason! You better be one stellar dad! If they don't like you, that's more payback coming your way!
All the energy you're putting behind chasing the skirt of another man's wife in secrecy is going get your skull cracked! All she'll do is make some tears, play victim, and lie!
"Hell hath no fury like woman scorned!" If you're already having marital-issues, nothing opens-up a wicked can of whoop-ass from a woman like finding out you're screwing her friends behind her back!
Only the most stupid men with a death-wish do that! It's pure lust and wanting to feel a different vagina than your wife's! You're looking for an excuse, and the convenience of someone easily available. You don't have anything in-common, except you're a couple of adulterers just waiting to happen! You end bad-marriage first...then get new woman!
You want to see a she-devil jump out of your wife? Then go there!!!
Let all that sink-in!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 February 2020):
 If your gut is telling you she is playing a game why not check that theory out, try not responding to her texts for a fortnight, and see what the response is. I should imagine, and hope, having your concern confirmed would be a real passion buster!
Other than that stop the personal texting anyway, its maintaining a level of communication that is threatening your family's future. As she initiates the texts its up to you to straight out not respond, or be a bit busy and ask your wife to respond in your place … your texting friend might find a series of texts from your wife are not giving her the level of thrills she is seeking.
The ball really is in your court, only you can fix this problem and you really do need to put a stop to it.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (12 February 2020):
You cannot get rid of the attraction as long as you continue to see her. You’re playing with fire here and you know it. From what you have written she is able to have male friends and that what she sees you as. You on the other hand see her differently. If you keep going down the path you are it’s only a matter of time before you blow this up.
You know what you need to do, but I doubt that you will.
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