A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have a co-worker who has a bit of a crush on me. He has been persistent in trying to go to the gym together and he can "show me how to work out". It's actually starting to get a bit annoying because he keeps mentioning it every day on our break. Not only that but he is getting other co-workers involved and telling everyone (as a joke) that we are going to the gym together working out. It is making everyone else assume that we are closer than we actually are but we aren't.Honestly, I shouldn't have done it in the first place and was my fault. But I was teasing him as this was my sense of humour, and without realising it, it came across as flirting. I thought it was okay because he has strong turkish beliefs and his parents believe he should marry a turkish woman. And to top it all off, my personality is very bubbly and energetic. I laugh at most things, and a generally happy person, so maybe my laughter at everything he said could have come across as flirting too? I do it with everyone! My plan is to cut out the teasing, minimise the laughter and see if this helps. But other than that, his a co-worker and I can't avoid him. I'm not sure how to handle this situation? Any advice will do and I do realise my mistakes. I was just being extremely naive and thought of him as a friend and nothing more.
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male
reader, Gmelin8  +, writes (14 February 2020):
Ask him if he knows the difference between asking a girl out and stalking and harassing her. If she declines 3 times all further requests are illegal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Typo-corrections:
"If you're not careful, you'll unintentionally invite unwanted, or inappropriate responses; or opportunists will seize on the chance to twist your better-intentions into something else."
"They are also overrun with complaints of inappropriate-behavior, and lawsuits for sexual-harassment!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): You're both co-workers, and there is nothing better than the direct and assertive approach; when it comes to setting boundaries and thwarting unwanted-advances. First, you need to become more professional on the job. Save your giggles and bubbly-personality for after-work, when you're out socializing.
Practice a speech over and over, if you must; but tell him straight-out that you don't intend to workout with him. It would be most appropriate, if he'd stop mentioning it to everyone. Thank you! Repeat it, as often as necessary, until he gets the point!
Bear this in-mind always. Someday you may be promoted to supervising over these people. You'll gain/earn their respect by conducting yourself with professionalism; so you will be taken seriously, and you'll be respected by both men and women. Especially, when you may be younger than some of the people you have to manage or supervise. Been there, and done that!
You haven't done anything wrong, he took the ball and he ran with it. His culture views western-culture as vulgar and loose. That's born out of his own prejudice and ignorance. Any attention you might have given him directly one-on-one would be tested, or taken out of context. You're a young female, and he happens to be male. He comes from a more conservative society, although it's changing drastically; but he was raised under the old-traditions of his culture...especially, if you presume his parents would prefer a Turkish daughter-in-law. The odds of that are lessened, if he's now living and working in Australia.
You're a very young, friendly, and outgoing female. Which isn't quite customary in countries ruled by a theocracy; or where there is a tutelage of religion by the state like Turkey. Women are required to be demure and poised around men. That's why a professional-demeanor is best when you're on the clock; because it is never misinterpreted, no matter where you come from.
You don't have to be stiff, but smiles and the proper level of laughter proportionate to the humor shows grace, intelligence, and maturity. You can be more jovial when the situation calls for it; like an office party, or celebrating a co-worker's birthday. Not because you're a woman; professionalism applies to everyone. Both genders, and from the top down!
Most corporate-environments try to make their employees feel safe and comfortable, as they should; but we're now dealing with a generation that has no filters, and scoffs at manners or proper etiquette. They misinterpret a "casual" and "relaxed" work-atmosphere to mean you're uninhibited; and free to behave or speak as you please. As you would when you're hanging-out with your friends. These are your co-workers; where you work to earn money to pay your bills.
Why should you have to be micromanaged to the point you have to tell college-educated adults how to behave around each-other? In the US, the US Department of Labor requires businesses with a certain number of employees to handout manuals that explain company policy and explicitly details rules of conduct and behavior in the workplace. We are also required to have seminars regarding workplace-bullying and sexual-harassment on a periodic-basis. Should all that be necessary? Yes, because people don't always show each other the appropriate or proper respect when they're at work. If you're not careful, you unintentionally invite unwanted or inappropriate responses; or opportunist will seize on the chance to twist your better-intentions into something else.
It all depends on the work environment; because some high-tech workplaces encourage people to act silly or childish. They pay huge salaries and are not really the norm. They are also overrun with complains of inappropriate-behavior and lawsuits for sexual-harassment! They try to keep it hush-hush with settlements, to protect their public-relations and reputation. It looks better than it really is. Give some people an inch, and they'll take a mile!
Be firm and repel his unwanted-flirtations. Keep your distance, but remain polite. You don't have to change your personality, just put on a "work-face" when you're at work. Take it off, when you're off the clock! He'll change how he speaks to and about you. I might add, he was somewhat mocking you! Set him straight!!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 February 2020):
 Yes, it is a bit naive of you to assume that just because a Turkish guy will most probably end up marrying a Turkish woman... he would not be interested in some " roll in the hay " type of thing with an available ( actually, perceived as possibly available ) Aussie girl. In fact, it's probably his recurring fantasy and most cherished dream, lol. Every culture (not just the Muslim ones ) has the girls you bring home to mom and then marry- and the good times girl who are good for temporary fun.
The fact that you have perhaps being pegged as the second type, only based on some cheerful banter and your bubbly personality- well, it figures. Cultural differences. Probably in his mind someone acting like you means a huge " green light ". Now you will say , and how the heck am I supposed to know what every single phrase and gesture means in any given culture ?- no you aren't supposed, - BEFORE. But NOW that you know how what for you comes as a natural behaviour , he takes it as a " come hither you bad boy " , now you have to backpedal , and not a little, but a Whole lot. No more bantering, no more flirting, conscious or subconscious. Keep it simple and keep it professional. Nice yes, polite yes,( no need to be rude or mean ) but, flirty , witty, engaging : NO. As a matter of fact, it would not be bad if you could cut the laughs thing back, scale them down a bit with everybody at work. Why do you have to laugh and banter and tease " with everybody " ? it's a professional environment !, not a sitcom set ! Laugh and tease with your closest , most intimate friends- and treat all the others with courtesy but a bit more of professional distance. Nobody will be able to equivocate or think you hit on them , and your professional persona will benefit from that too. Friendly is fine, ( although not mandatory in an office setting ) - " lovely dizzy blonde who laughs all the time with everybody " , again, is only fine … on TV, if are Phoebe Buffay.
Anyway : I understand that you may feel uneasy and awkward about this fitness joke, but maybe you make things harder than they are ?... All you have got to do , if he brings up the working out together thing, is to tell him politely but firmly to please stop it . you have decided NOT to exercise with him. Thanks but no thanks, you prefer to work out on your own, and that's final. Then ( but this is optional ) you could also tell him that you would appreciate if he stopped joking about workouts with you … " because it gives people the wrong impression, i.e. that there 's more closeness between you than there actually is. Since , as he knows, there's no special closeness, and he is in your eyes no different than any other colleague. If he does not get it this way- then he must be really thick skinned- and thick-skulled !, in which case you'd have to physically distance yourself by going to another gym or taking your breaks at different times from his breaks.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 February 2020):
 I think it's a good start to pull back. WAY back. No more teasing. Teasing you can do with friends, family and those who actually KNOWS you. Laughing shouldn't be offensive ever, IMHO. But if he takes that as encouragement to proceed pursuing you... then yeah, nip that in the bud too.
You have come to realize that HE might have seen your behaviors is someone flirty and interested IN him. Which means pulling back HOPEFULLY will signal that you are NOt interested.
Just because he is Turkish and his parents wants him to marry a Turkish woman (which is VERY common) doesn't mean he doesn't want to "sow some wild oats" with some Aussie girls first....
My advice would be to tell him that it's nice of him to want to teach you but you aren't looking to learn how to work out any time soon. That you FOR now are too busy for Gym Time.
If you already GO to the same gym, take spin classes, or other (mostly female classes). And then after your membership is up (if you have one) SWITCH gym.
Being bubbly is fine, but unfortunately you have to consider that with this guy there IS a cultural difference in how you are and HOW he might be perceiving you. So rein it in.
If you can avoid spending your break with or around him and generally start being professional around him. (especially him, but of course ALL your co-workers). It will just make life easier for you. And it's a way for him to not totally "lose face" with the rest of them. If you CAN I would switch lunch up for a different time OR place.
(Just want to add that its NOT really your job to "save" him from "losing face" but in the end if you do this pulling back, acting more like a co-worker than buddies, you probably will have less issues with this guy.) And honestly, no one wants a hostile environment, because some guy can't distinguish between a friendly woman and a flirty one.
When you meet him around the workplace you can still be polite, but avoid stopping and talk. Just say hi how are you? and move along doing your job or looking super busy.
Make friends OUTSIDE of the workplace, same with romance - OUTSIDE of the workplace.
Lastly, IF he at some point ASKS you point blank why you are no longer wanting to chat, banter and laugh with him, just tell him you don't want ANYONE to get the wrong idea, that you are THERE to work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2020): Change the gym or even better, go to another gym and take classes he's not interested in.
Or start exercising at home or running, swimming by yourself. Do not tell him what it is that you do.
I know that what he does may sound harmless and that you feel a bit guilty for leading him along, BUT, please understand that even if you have flirted a bit, or teased a bit, his reaction is hugely disproportionate and NOT appropriate.
What you (both) do in your free time should not concern your co-workers and him "joking" about it is not joking, his bragging and trying to make others believe that there is something more to it.
This can seriously damage your reputation.
And btw, YES, you CAN avoid him in a polite way. I'm not saying that that is the best strategy, since he might get aggressive openly or do stuff behind your back. I don't know him and you don't know him either that well. So be careful. You can only know if you can talk to him openly or not.
The "strategy" (i'm not saying it's conscious) he's using is meant to make you feel obliged AND guilty, so that you would give in and accept his behavior.
How many times have we heard stories about a woman who has suffered unwanted advances just because she absentmindedly SMILED at someone on the bus? Or politely replied when a man asked her about directions?
It happens to people with your bubbly personality to be misunderstood, BUT you have to learn to put things right straight away and avoid any further misunderstandings.
And there's another thing that you should not ignore - the cultural differences between you. You say his Turkish? Well, just google how the women are treated in their culture. Maybe he's different, but he sure is acting as if you are a commodity and not a person.
Whatever his reasons are for the way he behaves, they are not your problem. Maybe he's frustrated by what he perceives with his failures with the opposite sex and has misinterpreted your kindness as a signal. Nip it in the bud.
Let him down slowly and nicely to minimize the potential damage.
He obviously cares a lot about what others think about him, so do not crush his ego with your co-workers, he might get vindictive.
I'm sorry if I scared you. I wish I could tell you to just be yourself and that everything will be fine.
But even after the MeToo movement, we are still living in a very much macho societies.
I hope that everything will go smoothly and that you will get rid of unwanted attention in no time, but be careful.
What is the HR service in the company you work for? I'm not saying you should report anything, only that you should get some info.
And let this be a lesson to you. You have to learn that there is a difference how we act with the co-workers, friends/family and people we like. You can not treat everyone the same way, because you will send the wrong message and the people you want to get serious about might think that that you are not into them, because you act the same with everyone else.
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