A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear Cupid,I have a problem finding quality friends. It seems with in my circle of aquaintances of people I know the drama queens, mooches/users,pill poppers,selfish,materialistic, boastful/self important and just the average jerk seem to have all the friends. I think I am going to die alone like my mother who always found fault with people and broke off every relationship she ever had. I am doing that now too. At times I just feel like I should just let myself be used just to have friends. What is your advice cupid? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (15 July 2011):
Maybe a place to start is to ask yourself if your judgment of people is accurate or are you viewing people through a distorted lens by choosing to focus on their negatives and blow those out of proportion?
everyone has both positive and negative personality traits. everyone has character flaws. Everyone has their "issues." But everyone has some good in them too. Yes some people have more flaws or worse ones than others, and some flaws are really bad to have - like dishonesty, selfishness, etc. But that said, if everyone you know seems to have "deal breaker" qualities, and you don't know anyone who doesn't, then ask yourself is that really a coincidence? or do you have a tendency to magnify people's flaws and turn them into deal breakers? Like your mom did?
Why not consciously choose to focus on people's positive qualities. every time you find yourself feeling upset or disappointed in someone, remind yourself of that person's good qualities or something nice they did for you, perhaps remind yourself of their good qualities that you yourself are lacking in. For example maybe this person is a drama queen or is materialistic. But maybe on the upside they are a good listener to you and really help you out in your time of need.
choosing to focus on people's good qualities and accepting their flaws doesn't mean allowing yourself to be taken advantage of and 'used.' observe their interactions with their other friends. Are they "using" their other friends?
And finally, maybe also examine what your view of friendship is and what defines someone as a "friend." Perhaps you have unrealistically high expectations for friends? for example if you believe that a friend is someone who NEVER lets you down, then you may be hard pressed to find anyone that you would consider a friend (because we are only human) and the minute there is one disappointment you write them off. Another example is if your idea of friendship means that you never get angry or annoyed at each other because the other person never steps on your toes and vice versa, again this is unrealistic. Not saying that you're doing these things but just giving examples of how unrealistic expectations or a distorted view of what friendships and relationships in general means, could have something to do with why you feel that you can't find anyone you would consider a friend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): taken from another post: Some people dont understand others' goodness...they take it as a sign of weakness. They think you're weak and they can walk all over you and you wont say anything.~ anonymous 123 Italy
I agree with this statement.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2011): Hey youwish, thanks for your reply, yes I do all those things and more for people. I through dinner parties, I FB people, I volonteer, I am the person that everyone should want as a friend. I welcome, invite, appreciate, and cherish. yes i do all of that stuff. I am not Cherished only when they want something. Work on yourself. Are you approachable? I think so. Are you patient and kind and caring? VERY Do you hold grudges forever, If it is really bad things I do. or are you generous with your heart and emotions? I don't let myself be walked on if that is what you mean. Are you quick to apologize and make amends if you wrong someone? Sure. If I see fit. I do judge but making judgements is a part of life one makes jugments everyday so if they are shady people I don't want them around. you have to BE the kind of friend you desire from others. Well yeah... I always have been this person but now...times have changed it almost seems like it would be trying to hard in other peoples eyes. It seems like the aloof uncaring is the new cool and what is in it for me is the new standard.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Why do you find fault with people and break off all of your relationships? Why did your mom do the same? What makes you do that?
My philosophy is pretty simple. Instead of looking for quality friends, you should devote that energy into BECOMING the quality friend you're searching for. Like attracts like. How can you make quality friends if you yourself are not that caliber? Easy. You reject friends (and your mom rejected friends) because you reject yourself. We often find friends that mirror qualities that we either see or aspire to see in ourselves.
Work on yourself. Are you approachable? Are you patient and kind and caring? Do you hold grudges forever, or are you generous with your heart and emotions? Are you quick to apologize and make amends if you wrong someone?
It is absolutely not true that the "average jerk" makes all the friends. The people they hang out with are with them until they can no longer do something for them. The bonds are superficial and nothing more.
You have to become the right person. If you want a good, loyal, and honest friend, you must be the same. If you want a friend who sees the good in you, you must see the good in others. If you want a friend you can confide in and will be there for you through thick and thin, you must become that confidant and be there through thick and thin for others who thinks the best of your friends rather than pick them apart in your mind.
Finally, if you ever approach friendship with the notion of letting yourself "be used", then you will end up alone. Your friendship comes with a string. You keep a record of wrongs and obsessively keep score. Stop that right now. Again, you have to BE the kind of friend you desire from others.
You're so terrified of being hurt and being let down that you push people away. You're "protecting" yourself right out of good friends. The truth is at high caliber people have high caliber friends. They value their friends and put them first. They open their hearts and lives and make their friend feel welcome, invited, appreciated, and cherished.
Be good to yourself. Forgive yourself. Open your heart to yourself, and you will start seeing others differently. You have to love people in order to attract them. You have to be friendly to attract friendly people. You have to forgive and see the best in people to help yourself connect with them. It's tough. Did your mom break off her relationship with you too? That does leave a scar.
Friendship takes love and trust and openness. A willingness to listen without judgment or obsessive focusing on faults. When you find yourself spiralling into judgement, the only thing that can save you is a massive wrench in your thinking...to break that pattern. Instead, let people amaze and impress you. You don't let them do that. People can let you down, but they can also come through for you in ways that will truly touch your soul. BE the friend that people say they can't live without you, and you'll attract good strong long term friends in your life.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (15 July 2011):
 Whatever you do, don't let yourself be used. You just need to meet the right people. You can meet them anywhere. Be open to meeting new people, not everyone is as sordid as the people you're apparently surrounded by. Letting yourself get used isn't going to cure you of your loneliness.
All I can advise you to do is be friendly.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, misskat +, writes (15 July 2011):
I went through a similar issue at different turning points in my life. After college, I saw my so called friends as just ppl who used me to help them study. I couldn't believe ppl I helped out so much, who pretended to be so grateful and friendly, would end up ignoring my calls...basically immediately after graduation! Then, my so called mutual friends I had with my ex disappeared. Its so hard to form true friendships. I have been learning to enjoy my own company and reached out to cousins in my age group. Its lonely at first but things improved. I also realized cutting off life sucking d bags is another step to happiness. You should try local book clubs. There's a website called Meet Up and it lists tons of clubs where ppl meet at a public place and do interesting activities. Good luck and stay strong
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