A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So I am looking for a little guidance on a problem that is eating away at me. I have been in a relationship with my significant other for a year. This relationship is by far the best one that I have ever been in and my boyfriend is truly one of the kindest and sweetest people you will ever meet.When we first started dating I was seeing someone else. The guy that I was with was much older than me, and also a drug abuser. We had been together for about a year, and I was really only with him because I didn't want to be alone. When we got together I was not interested in him like I should have been, but the longer we spent together the more I got used to him being in my life, and I didnt want to let go of him. I cant say that I was ever really IN love with him, but what I can say is that I loved him and cared for him. All the same our relationship was toxic. He would lie to me about drugs, and then I would go off and screw around with other people so that I could handle our relationship. In doing so, I felt no guilt. However, since dating my current boyfriend we are very much in love. I dont ever want to lie to him, I always want to be with him, and we are very very close. As I grew close to my current boyfriend, the thoughts of my past just melted away, and I slowly transitioned from being the girl that always lied to her boyfriends, to the one that can hardly bare the thought.Recently I spent time with a friend of mine whom i have not seen in a while. She was asking me questions about my old and current boyfriend and as she asked all the memories started coming back.I previously stated that when I got together with my current boyfriend I was still with my ex. The problem was that I never told the current boyfriend that. When we got together I lied and told him that I was single. Upon remembering this, I felt extremely guilty and came clean about all that had happened in the start of our relationship. He still loves me and doesnt want to be without me but the fact that I hurt him sickens me.I first remembered this truth about a month ago, and told my boyfriend this past weekend. However I did so with the intention of wiping the slate clean, I still could not feel more guilty. I am remembering every single thing that I ever lied to him about over the course of this past year and am tearing myself apart. There were a few times in the beginning of our relationship where I hung out with other guys and didnt tell my boyfriend about it because I didnt want to hurt or worry him. This only happened twice and the people that I was with were informed that I was dating someone and nothing ever happened with them. Apart from that first month of our relationship when I was with two people (although desperately trying to break up with one) I have never ever cheated on my boyfriend. But I have lied to him. The thought that I hurt him in telling him the truth worries.I want our relationship to be an honest one. And i do put his happiness before my own. In telling him the truth I knew that a consequence could be the end of our relationship, but i figured that if he was with me, he deserved to know everything, and then make the choice to stay or leave on his own. He is the best guy and he deserves someone that is absolutely perfect. My question is, Do I tell my boyfriend about everything I ever lied to him about or should I stop? Is it right to keep it from him if it will hurt him? and if I do stop telling him, how do I move on from past memories and stop torturing myself over the things that I did before I knew how to love someone properly? I do not want to suffer anymore, but more than that I do not want my boyfriend to be hurt, or be with someone like me that does not deserve him. I guess another question I have is, Do I actually deserve him?Any advice would help, thank you so much.
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cheated on my boyfriend, drugs, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Ask yourself one thing: is a relationship based on lies truly a successful one?
I know it will be difficult, but surely he deserves the truth? Let *him* decide if you deserve him.
A
male
reader, dayvide  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Wow it takes high level of courage to tell someone the truth and its a good thing you are planning to tell him everything..even if its gonna hurt his feelings I believe he deserves to know the truth.. Anything built on falsehood shall surely crumble so be strong and let it all out.. If he truly love you I believe he will appreciate you more when you tell him and its also gonna help clear your mind and take away the thoughts of your past.. Its just like getting a huge load off your shoulders. I think you shouldn't contemplate hiding it from him anymore..everyone has a past and when we realize our faults and decide to change for good and become upright it always make us better beings and it help trust build with our partners...so let it out girl and tell him you are sorry but you think he should know and am sure he'll appreciate the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): I am in no way justifying your behavior and what you did to this guy is definitely hurtful and shameful. However, what I can get from how you describe things is that you are truly remorseful and that you will never ever do something to him like this again. It seems like you kind of suppressed everything that occurred before and then everything just came back to haunt you know that you guys are so in love together. You confessed to him that you lied to him about being single in the very begining and in all honesty, I can tell you that by you going into much more detail it will only magnify his pain and he will probably end up feeling used/ cheated even if it was only lies. I would only clarify the lies if what he was imagining that happened was worse than what actually happened. However, it does not seem like this is the case. You really have to think about what is better for him? Is he a person that needs to know everything to get proper closure? Is he able to forgive when dealing with cheating/ lying ? The fact of the matter is that your revelation has already hurt him and you have to analyze whether providing all details about the lies is a good idea considering his needs on closure, ability to handle this new information, emotional stability, ability to move forward/forgive. If you decide not to tell him more about the lies, you also have to learn how to forgive yourself because you cannot live with the guilt. The guilt will consume you and it will affect your relationship negatively. Think about it as a new fresh start in where you commit to being the best girlfriend you can be for your boyfriend. Make it clear to him that you are a different person now; that you have decided to be better for him and that you only want the best for him because thats all he deserves. Don't let your thinking focus on the past and things you cannot control, instead of feeling bad for what you have done, think about what you can do to improve and give him everything you think he deserves from you. He will probably hurt and not trust your words, but show him day after day your love and what it means to you. Don't give up and don't hurt him again!
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A
female
reader, pepper  +, writes (20 February 2015):
 Hi hunny,
Please stop punising yourself, I've been in toxic relationships and as often as you tell yourself these relationships will change they won't..From where I'm looking by just reading your post to me it appears your current boyfriend was indeed your life saver..At that particular time in your life you needed someone to come along and free you from this awfull situation. And I for one believe it was a very good job this person came into your life...Sweetheart we don't need toxic lives, life can be hard enough. I feel also just from your post how much love you have for your boyfriend. You have to stop worrying, you haven't cheated you got away from an awful situation and thank god you did...
I also see in your post some self esteem issues..I hardly supprised after your previous relationship being so awfull. You have someone who by the sounds of things loves you for you. Thinking of all the mistakes we have made in the past will drive you crazy, They have obviously taught you valuable lessons, And that is part of life hunny..You need to do a little self esteem work as yours has been knocked in the past by the sounds of things. You really need to start liking yourself more .....Im going to look for a link to hopefully start helping.
I found this one......http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=240&np=298&id=2111
I hope this helps. Take care of you *Peps* :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2015): This is a little complicated im torn in whether you should tell him everything so I can understand your worry and upset. I think that before him you had unhealthy relationships and habits towards men cheating etc because you were also treated badly so you think you are not worthy of this new guy the important thing is that you changed, you dont cheat on this new guy and you love him and treat him right so in saying all of that you do deserve him, so give yourself a break!I am a fiercely honest person I would rather know the truth always but sometimes the truth hurts people and maybe you just want to tell him so you can lose your guilt take this burden off your shoulders. I think the facts you want to come clean about are quite innocent so if you tell him exactly what you told us about how he has changed you and nothing happened with these guys there is a good chance he will appreciate your honesty and love the fact that you are so crazy about him you wanted a clean slate and he has made you a new woman, maybe you can actually even show him this post!??but not everyone appreciates to know every little white lie he might think why did she tell me now i dont really trust her but if it only happened in the very first month or so you really did nothing wrong.I told my ex little white lies to save his feelings ego and i dont regret it, they had nothing to do with our relationship and were my past so no need to make him insecure.im leaning towards you telling him everything and how much you adore him, and show him this spoil him.it depends on him, like i have a male friend who i had hooked up with in the past he came to my birthday party and him and a few friends stayed over at mine, he slept in my sittingroom and nothing happened with us because we are only friends now, he was afraid to tell his girlfriend where he was. i advised him to tell her the truth that she might appreciate his honesty and his friends could tell her nothing happened, she might be mad but she will forgive him, i was wrong she flipped out and they broke up. i think they were going to break up anyway cause always fighting but i still felt bad about my advice. if you cant live with the guilt tell him but you have nothing to feel guilty about he already knows about the ex you were with so if you can realise you have no reason to feel guilty then leave it be because chances are you tell him he will think, what? another secret? what else is she hiding.sorry i prob havent been that helpful but only you can really make this decision you know him, i don't, so you have to trust your gut instinct, good luck. i really hope it works out its rare to find such happiness and a good man xx
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