A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is going to be VERY long- please bear with me here:I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm being torn apart.I had a very hard family life growing up, where my dad began working all the time and my mom became lonely and depressed due to just leaving work to be a full time mom, which led to her becoming very abusive and blameful towards me. I suffered a lot of emotional and physical abuse between the ages of 5 and 18, and due to my fear of abandonment I let her. (I am adopted and was always afraid people would just abandon me again subconsciously.) When I was 15 I met my current fiance, who I have been with for almost 5 years. He really turned my entire life around and saved me from deep depression. He helped me overcome my issues I developed due to abuse and I learned to love myself. I went from being very antisocial (I had no real friends until I was 15) to being very friendly and having a life I now love.I am soo happy with him-- I honestly think we are soul mates.After 5 years, I still feel exactly the same about him as I did when we first started dating. We have been through A LOT together and are each others best friends. I love him from the bottom of my heart. We are very compatible, and he takes great care of me. He is always looking out for me and trying to do his best so that I'm always happy.Now for the real point of the question-- My parents hate him. They always have. Well, they don't hate HIM. Or so they claim. Yet they never seem satisfied with him. When we first met, he had left HS because he had been severely injured in an incident where he had been hit by a semi. He had barely survived, and suffered extreme nerve damage and chemical imbalances and couldn't handle school. He had JUST left school when I met him, and was going to start a home program soon after. My parents were horrified by the fact he had a tongue piercing, dyed hair and didn't go to school or work. They didn't even want me around him.Soon after he started working, and they were pissed because he wasn't in school. Then he started trying to focus on school after he started and they were pissed he wasn't working enough. He started working more, they said he wasn't paying enough attention to his school. They offered to help him finish school because of me, and then randomly decided he wasn't doing it fast enough for their liking (they only had helped a couple months) and cut him off. They complained constantly about me seeing him, and even denied me having a boyfriend to all their friends. If he was present, he was introduced as a "friend." I started having to deal with their nagging about him on top of the already existing abuse (which my dad didn't know about and denied when I tried to tell him about it..)My parents were making me so stressed (constant CONSTANT nagging, threatening, taking things, calling constantly, grounding even after I was in college, etc) that I finally told them I was moving out. They cried and begged me not to because they didn't want me living in the part of town I was going in.. They offered me a deal and I put a temporary hold on it to discuss with my boyfriend (they were going to help us get started so I wouldn't be in that area.)We agreed, and they suddenly were unwilling. We had to wait over a month for them to finally agree, and a few more weeks before we got to move into our apartment. We struggled a bit in the beginning but took care of ourselves with limited help from my parents. They still constantly nagged at me, and even nagged at him whenever he came over to the house with me. He has always been NOTHING but polite to them, has never raised his voice, and always listens and agrees politely. He's very civil. They, on the other hand, are not. They are downright rude and bossy and sometimes cruel.Every time I do something wrong in their eyes, it's because he "corrupted me" into doing it. I can never have a thought different from theirs or its his fault, he manipulated me, etc according to them. Usually this is stuff he doesn't even approve of either, or things I haven't even mentioned to him yet.I just can't take it anymore. After the abuse settled, I finally had a close relationship with my parents and it was amazing.. I've always adored them and the abuse hurt me, but now I finally have a relationship with them that makes me happy... But while they say they understand I love him and accept that, their actions and other words say differently. I'm being torn in two directions.. My fiance is trying to be as understanding as possible, but it's hard for him. He's from a horrible background (poor family, drug abuse in family, drug dealing in family, physical trauma, etc) and he worked his butt off to get to a place where he is comfortable. He is a very good man, who despises the things from his past and yearns a big bright future.. They obsessively think he is lazy, no good, corrupt, etc.So we worked so hard this last month to get our rent together because he unexpectedly had a seizure and we had huge medical bills. When I told my mom this, she showed no concern and only scorned me asking why I chose such a challenging life... What? So we came up slightly short and for the first time in a long time I asked them for help (they told me to always ask them) and my dad, who is always the nicer and more understanding of the two, eagerly wanted to help as he has this whole time. My mom, however, likes to dig in her heels. She's been angrily resisting giving us ANY help this whole time.. And my fiance just got off the phone from being yelled at by my mom for being short this month, blaming it entirely on him and calling him lazy and shizz.He's been working just as much as I have.. He even took up day labor on the side in an attempt to get by. (We lost a LOT in medical fees.) She says he's lazy and just sits at home all day while I go out and work and that he doesn't pull his own weight.. She's always thought this and always told me this, but now she said it straight to his face.. So they're helping us, but she's pissed at him and now he's irritated with them and me.I just don't know what to do... I have severe fibromyalgia and this stress has made me so sick. It's hard to work. I don't sleep anymore, all I do is worry. Whenever my parents call, I'm sometimes to scared to answer in fear of drama. I am soo happy living on my own, and besides this problem me and my parents have fixed our relationship due to our separation... But.. I just can't take it for much longer..What can I really do here? I'm so lost...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShould have explained the family background more- my parents know little to nothing of where he came from. They never cared enough to ask. He was also taken from his parents at a young age and was raised by his grandpa due to his mother being a drug addict and his step father selling drugs. His step father did time, and they are now entirely clean and living lawful lives. I may seem quick to dismiss these things only because I just was using them as an example to show what he had to get through. He had a very poor childhood and detests all of the things his parents did. He was even injured due to his step dad's profession and assaulted.
And the problem with the rent wasn't that I couldn't pay it- I very well could have, but my father was going to kick me out if I paid even a day late even though my landlord would have accepted it and I could have paid rent. And I forgot to mention my fiance has now finished getting his GED and is now trying to save up for college.
Oh and trust me, I know they love me which is why it's so hard for me. I don't want to hurt them and it kills me that they are constantly reminding me how much they disapprove. I am pretty good at ignoring everyone else, but I have a soft spot for my fiance and my parents and am distraught when they are upset with me..
Thank you so much though.. I know a lot of what you're saying and understand it, I just wish they had given him more of a chance. But I have always known they love me.. My dad I wondered about for a long time because he started ignoring me when I was about 8 until I was 17.. But that is the past. I always tell my fiance that my mom loves me, but just too much. She loves me in a suffocating, demanding kind of way. She has cried about how my fiance is "taking me away from her" even.
I think the only reason my dad dislikes him is because my mom tells him lies (she's VERY manipulative.. She used to lie to him about things I did so I would get in trouble.) I say this because he admits he LIKES my fiance on multiple occasions and thinks he's a good kid.. But then he has all these cons and they're all things that aren't even true.. And as soon as he tells me them I correct him and he tells me that my mom told him that and it's why he thought it was true..
I love my parents and I love my fiance.. Even if it's painful. I guess I'm going to have to tough this one out. Thank you both so much.
And unfortunately Cerberus- she can and will twist my words. She is very assertively manipulative.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 I am gonna try a desperate attempt- not to justify your parents's behaviour, but to sort to show you where they might be coming from . So that rather than polarizing the issue - "us against them " - you can feel compassion for your parents' mistakes and see they come out of caring about you- maybe caring too much,or in the wrong way, but still caring.
Sure,your mom does not sound the best as for parenting skills if she abused you for years. Being a parent is not easy , and it does not happen "smoothly "and naturally for everybody. She had her own issues and unluckily she let that interfere with raising you.That must have been painful- but eventually you mended your relationship, and, if that was even possible after years of abuse... that must mean that "something ", in terms of mutual love and mutual feelings, was there anyway ,right ?
It's from this something that their being critical and overprotective comes. Parents want the best possible partner for their daughter;right or wrong, they don't care if the partner's shortcomings come from sheer bad luck or not.
So, what we have here, a pierced, high school drop out with serious health issues and scant perspectives for a brighter future. I know, it sounds cruel ,if put in this way. They are not cruel, they are scared. They are afraid that you are gonna suffer in future because of choices you made af 15 (! ), because ,being older, they know that it's not true that "Love conquers all ". They know that we are not heroes, we are weak, human and fallible, so MOST loves wither and die in front of constant challenges and hardships. Leaving you with a broken heart and nothing to show for all your years of devotion. ( I am not saying this is what is gonna happen- I say what a parent may reasonably fear ).
And the law - breaking, drug dealing background ? Honey, you are so easy to dismiss that , but trust me, I am open minded as they come, yet if my son should bring home a girl from a drug trafficking family, I'd probably greet them ...with a shotgun. Well,maybe not :) but do you realize this is every parent's worst nightmare ? it's easy to say that your bf is one thing and all his family another, and that there are many examples of people turning their back to antisocial backgrounds and making a success of their life. It's true. It is also true though that what you see going on around you in yours first years
forms your mindset, and influences you at a very deep level, and it is in large part responsible of what you see as " normal " ,or "acceptable " in later years. Again, I am not saying that your parents are right, only that in this light maybe their dislike for your bf is less crazily irrational than it seems.
Least but not last, they have helped you and they are helping you financially. Not much, perhaps. Not as much as you wanted or needed, not as graciously as they should have , always begrudging and digging their heels.....yet they help. Don't underestimate that ! Pardon me , but you are a tad immature about that : "it was only one month rent "Honey, rent is rent and needs to be paid every month,period. If there is the chance you can't make it, ... you just do not move out on your own, until you can afford it. Until, say, you have put away some savings to use in emergencies like the loss of a job or a sudden health problem.
All this not to scold you, just to encourage seeing your
parents'actions from a place in your heart of understanding and compassion.
I am sure they mean well, and they are just worried sick
that your future may not be as bright as they hoped for you, due to your choices in love.Now it's up to you and your boyfriend proving them blatantly wrong, and, trust me, they will be HAPPY to be proven wrong.
In the meantime, just ignore the nagging, do not take it
too personally , and remember to always look for what unites you and them, not for what divides you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (5 October 2010):
 The only thing you can do is perservere with your fiance until things get better. They WILL get better. I suppose you could always try and be more assertive towards you mother if you have not already done so. I think she is just so used to despising him, she finds it hard to change. Tell her things that she could not possibly hate unless she somehow decides she wants to twist your words.
I hope that helps.
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