A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a lady in my life. We are friends, good friends and I'd like to be more than friends but it hasn't reached that point. I'm old fashioned. I've always believed a man has to court the lady, that when a man wants to do something, ie go out, with a woman, he has to be the one to ask. But I've also thought that's probably no longer the case in our modern society. I used to be the one doing all the asking, starting the conversations with my friend. Partially because I thought I was supposed to as a man, partially because she was special to me and I wanted to hear from her as often as possible (it's a long-distance friendship). Over time we've had our ups and downs and I like to think we are still good friends. But I'll often tell her I can meet her anytime she's free, to just let me know so I can plan accordingly. But then either I don't hear from her or when she finally gets back to me she asks why I HAVEN'T been in touch with her, almost like I never sent my last email or text. On the one hand I feel like I'm not doing my part by keeping in touch with her as often as I "should." On the other, I feel like if she really wanted to spend time with me, all she has to do is respond to me, which for whatever reason is not what she's doing. Is it because I'm asking a general question and not specifically asking her to do something? Am I making a mistake by not asking her or am I doing the right thing by waiting for her make a move of her own?
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female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (31 December 2012):
Maybe she's not interested in taking the relationship to another level, most women not interested will use that line as been very busy so that doesn't make it your fault because if I was interested I would at least return the call, text or email after getting home seeing you're on my caller ID or whatever.
If I were you I would just wait for her to return my call. You shouldn't have to be the first one to always call.
It's a long distance relationship so how do you know she's not already in a relationship?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy thanks to everyone for the great answers. Definitely the type of blunt advice I needed.
When we first got to know each other, we always talked and saw each other quite a bit. But as time passed, and things in her life became busier, I pulled back from always being the one to initiate things. I knew I maybe contacted her WAY too much and figured if she wanted to see me, she'd get in touch with me too. In that time, we have seen much less and less of each other. By pulling back, I now realize how many opportunities we may have missed getting together and were MY fault.
I'm not a kid anymore (though not qite as old as my DC profile states) and like to think of myself as an intelligent person. Yet somehow, interpersonal communication with the opposite sex has always been a mystery to me. So my thanks again for all the great answers!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012): Yes, you right, don't just say, let's do it sometimes, call me. Be concrete, like, let's on Sunday have dinner at 8 pm. That will work
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A
male
reader, Niceguy212  +, writes (31 December 2012):
It’s still common in modern society for the man to take the 'leap of faith' and ask the woman. Women can and so occasionally ask the man but it sounds to me like she is expecting you to ask her.
My advice is to just go for it. Be specific and arrange something you will both like to do E.g. Movies or dinner. If you truly like this girl it’s going to be hard to ask but it’s what you have to do.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (31 December 2012):
Hi there. Even though it is LDR, it doesn't sound like it's too hard for you to see her, from what you have said here that you could see her anytime, just as long as you have time to plan it.
So going by that statement, it must at least be a reasonable distance - say a couple of hours driving - which makes it possible to make it happen.
So that is a plus, for sure.
I believe that a part of the problem here, is that your only contact seems to be via email or by text message.
And when that is the case, you have to depend on the idea that the other person regularly checks their emails and regularly checks their mobile phones for text messages, otherwise they don't see them at all.
So that makes it a definite DIS-advantage to you, if she doesn't check her emails or text messages very often.
So it would then be almost like you didn't send her any messages at all, wouldn't it?
A far better option for you both, would be to take the direct approach and just call her on her home phone, or on her mobile if she isn't at home.
And you can then leave her a voice message on both or either, OR you could choose NOT to leave any messages, but instead, keep trying to call her - until you actually get her in the end.
A simple phone call would have to be far superior to sending typed messages, which half of the time she doesn't even see, or so it seems at least.
And even if she did see them, you still have to wait for her reply, so there's an automatic holdup for a start.
So more delays.
Why not from now on, just call her and speak to her directly, and just suggest seeing her the next weekend, for instance.
Or if she isn't available the next weekend, well then the one after that.
And ask her what she would like to do then.
The most important thing here, is that you get some dialogue happening between you.
Some basic, friendly conversation and with the two of you coming up with some ideas of places and activities you would both like to participate in.
There is nothing quite like the direct approach.
The old fashioned way of calling someone up on the TELEPHONE, really can't be beaten.
Modern times or not, you just CANNOT beat a personal telephone call to ask that person directly.
It's so much more personal, you hear their voice, their laughter, their sense of humour and their personality.
What could possibly be better than that?
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A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (31 December 2012):
Dear OP,
My suggestion would be to keep in touch with her more often and give subtle signs that you are interested to pursue a relationship that is more than friendship. Any women would love being pursued. Make plans to meet up. Tell her the dates and wait for her respond instead of asking her to inform you when she is free. Ask her when she will be online so that you can chat or tell her when you will be online and ask her if she will be available at that time. In this way, both of you would be negotiating the time to meet. Be more specific in what you want from her.
Good luck and keep us posted.... Happy New Year!!!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 December 2012):
When you leave the ball in her court that shows her you're not very interested because you don't find her important enough to initiate things. In other words you can "take it or leave it."
Most women want a guy to take control. They don't like guys saying that but it's spoken from experience (and their own mouths).
If she is asking why you didn't contact her that's a good a signal as anything that you should make a move.
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