A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why is it that women say that the things they want in a boyfriend or partner tend to be things like: confidence, kind, generous, loving, make me feel special, sense of humour?It's total nonsense. All they want is someone to father their children. I have female friends who cannot understand why, at 37, I am still single, haven't had a relationship for a few years because they all tell me I am a great catch. I am not materialistic, I am creative, apparently I treat people exceptionally well, am kind without being a pushover, funny and they all say they don't understand why I haven't found someone.I keep telling them it's because I don't want children or to be a stepfather. They say "there must be plenty of women who don't want kids either" but there don't seem to be (or at least they are very few and far between).Even online dating has proved the point. I got almost no hits and no one replied to my messages while it said I didn't want children. I left one site, rejoined it two months later, identical in every respect bar one - I said I wanted kids. Lo and behold, I got lots of messages, even from people who had ignored my messages to them two months previously. Therefore, women don't value all the other things UNLESS you are prepared to be a parent. Non-existent children are more important to them than actually finding a guy they are compatible with generally and who can treat them well and give them a loving, decent two-way partnership. They don't want a person they just want a sperm donor.Is it even worth dating????
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I just wanted to point out, since biological clocks were mentioned, that men have that biological clock as well. It's not just women. Sperm quality decrease, and sperm quality is also affected by a man's use of alcohol or drugs.. It's just not talked about as much as the biological clock for women, and men are let of easy, there's no pressure for the guys from society. Even though they do have the same pressure from the biological clock as women do.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):
I did some research on this subject and about 20% of women in their 30's and 40's are childless (by choice or not). The pool is not as small as some would have you believe. Yes, you are eliminating 80% of women, but 20% still leaves a lot of fish in the ocean.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (3 June 2011):
I am a bit older than you, and I haven't got kids, and never wanted them either! (Prefer animals tbh!!) So it's not all women! I don't particulary want to get involved with someone who has kids either (but find most men in this age bracket do!) It's hard finding someone you are attracted to and they don't want kids also. I suppose at least the women you've been after have been honest with you and not just agreed with you hoping to change your mind later on! Also maybe some childless women in the same age bracket as you are feeling the ticking of the biological clock? lol. After all, you could still change your mind in 10 years or so and want and have kids?It's obviously harder for women to do this.I don't know what the answer is to be honest, but you have to compromise in relationships, and maybe someone who has kids already may still turn out to be the love of your life? I think you should just date people you get on with well, and enjoy their company, and worry about stepkids in particular later. I'm not saying settle, just be a bit more opened minded that's all and keep your options open. Never say never n all that! x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 Well, at 37, in 3 years, you'll be in the 40s crowd and the age-gap won't be such a big deal. Though I'm wondering how an age gap of 6 or so years at your age would matter. I know some extremely attractive 40-something women, and I honestly thought that they were in their 30s. What did the age-gap problem consist of? Or are you thinking you need a younger woman for some reason?
I like RedAthena's advice to find an matchmaking service (not online) and get specific with them. You may pay more but you will be sorting through candidates that meet that criterion you have firmly entrenched.
And to answer your question, yes, there are women who don't want kids out there. And yes, some people will judge you for not wanting children (I know, been there, got the tshirt) but if you internalize their criticism, well, that's more your problem than theirs. Some people are simply judgemental. I'm extremely judgemental of judgmental people. ha. Let it go, it doesn't matter to your life path at all.
Hang in there, change up your dating strategy and don't let the judgers get you down. Age a few more years, and you'll be able to date in the 40s with no age-gap issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Well, say you found a woman who was confident, kind, generous, loving, make you feel special, had a good sense of humour but didn't want sex....ever. Would you date her? Or are all those other things irrelevant and you're only looking for a woman to have sex with?
Humans both male and female are driven by instinct to reproduce. So it's true there are fewer women out there who don't want kids and very few men who don't want to have sex. They still exist though so keep searching, try not to lose your 'winning' personality in the process too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Yeah me. It would be nice to have a cute little baby, but kids are not cute. They get older, get back talking mouths and need things. The thought of a children makes me cringe.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 June 2011):
 You are entitled to your Childless by Choice. I think there is nothing wrong with and compeltely believe not everyone SHOULD become a parent by choice or chance.Others are entitled to their stand on choosing to have Children.Others have already mentioned great points. NOT all women want or have kids. Date an older woman who chose career over having a family and choose a childless lifestyle.You can not do much about people ignoring the facts in your online profile. That is just one of the nasty side-effects of online dating! (I also online date and men ignore my rulebreakers all the time. I just let them know to re-read and proceed with caution!)My suggestion is to go to a reliable (non internet) matchmaking service and let them go thru the pool of available women with YOUR particulars in mind. I have dated a man that I could see myself falling madly in love with. He has known me for years and our chemistry was amazing on many levels. Yet, I have kids from a previous marriage and he is Childless by Choice. I respected his choice and years later, he married someone who is also Childless by Choice and blissfully happy!I do not resent him at all. My kids are a part of my life. They do not need a Dad (they have one) or a provider (they have two!). But, anyone who comes into my life MUST be a good role model to them. I am also in my 40's, and have dated a man my age who has now decided he wants to settle down. He wants the marriage and babies of his own. I had to turn him down flat.I do not wish to have any babies at this time of my life, nor do I want marriage. (Been there, done that and bought the postcard to send home!)All of these people are valid in what their needs are and I do not fault them:)Examine your heart and mind. There is nothing wrong with the women you are meeting who want kids. They are just not a good match for you. Your dating pool is going to be limited, either change where you go fishing or change the bait.Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): I am a female, in the uk, 36 and I have chosen not to have children. Unlike you, I have never had a hard time finding a man who does not want children, but having said that I have also been open to dating much older men who have grown up children who have left home, so technically its like dating a man with no children. Seriously, there are women out there- especially in this day and age, that do not want children, but having said that it IS difficult to find them and you really have to sift through the women who do want children in order to find them. Seriously, dont give up hope. Me and a couple of my friends do not have children and will not be having children. I chose not to have children when I was 17 simpley because I wanted to be completely and utterly free to spend my time as I want, to go on holidays when I want, to stay up as late as I want and basically just have my partner all to myself. A good friend of mine got told early on that she could not have children and over time she has come to accept that and lives a totally fulfilled life. So just keep looking. Oh and don't let anyone tell you that your decision is 'wrong' or 'bad, unnatural and that our reason for living is to procreate; and that you might change your mind in the next few decades. You seem sure of yourself, and your goals and let me tell you something, that trait in a man is far more attractive than good sense of humour and all that rubbish. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, zebralove  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 I know I'm young but I am not programed to have chirldren. I don't even like kids and I do not see myself ever having one eather. I think there are some wommen, a verry few percent of us maybe, who don't want kids. Probably verry hard to find so I don't know what to say other then I disagree with people who think all wommen want kids.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Women have a biological clock that we don't. The cut off for having children is 35 after that the risks associated with having kids greatly increases as does the chances that the baby won't be completely healthy. Of course people do still have kids past that age but most of the women I know around that age either have kids or plan on having them before that cut off.
Your dating age group is simply around that cut off point or getting close to it. So the likelihood of single women you date that want kids soon is increased.
OP women are designed to have babies, it's their biological imperative but they have a very specific time frame for that, we guys don't have anything like that we can still decide to have kids in our 80's if we like. Our part in the whole process takes a matter of minutes. Most healthy women will want kids some day, just like most men will. But seeing as they have a time limit and they need a suitable partner who wants the same thing in that time period, it's panic stations around that time.
It's also a societal thing OP. Single women at your age with no kids are under enormous pressure from society to get married and have kids. They'll be hounded by friends and family almost constantly about it because single women generally are pitied anyway but at your age it's even worse. Their biological clock makes that pressure more acute. There is a general view that women like that are sad, lonely and incomplete, they're the lonely old spinsters with cats that horde newspapers.
Basically by putting 'no kids' as a stipulation you've basically cut the vast majority of women out of your dating pool.
The truth is OP there really just isn't that many women who don't want kids and of that group of women a lot of them don't make suitable partners either.
You can greatly increase your chances if you don't discount the idea completely. Anythings possible OP, you may well get broody in the future, you should be honest about never really seeing them in the future but also not completely closed off the idea that you may. Touch wood you have another 40+ years on this planet, to say you'll never want kids nor change your mind about them in all that time is not very logical OP because chances are you may. Plus you never know with the right woman you may well be convinced to have them.
By saying you won't nor will ever in your lifetime want them you have the next 40+ years of extremely limiting your dating pool and letting some amazing women pass you by.
Ease up on that restriction and you may want to consider why it is you don't, perhaps the reasons are things you can change your mind about, perhaps they're reasons that may not really be relevant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): "People generally don't like being static and most people picture having children as a stage in their life otherwise, they spend the rest of their lives in a perfectly happy marriage that tends to grow stale without children. That doesn't always happen, there are childless marriages that last whole lives but those are rare indeed."Um, correct me if I am wrong but more than 50% of marriages end in divorce these days, and if most people have kids, then the likelihood is that childless marriages last as long as any other marriage. In fact, looking at the vast number of step-families around and how many people marry a second time and go on to have children in that second marriage, I think that argument is blown out of the water.There are childfree women out there, but how you find them, I don't know.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): OP here - Tisha, I am probably exaggerating for effect in my posting to generate some decent responses (I've noticed less 'emotive' questions tend to be ignored).I am blessed with wonderful friends and they all tell me I am not bitter in my general life and I don't come across that way at all. I have single female friends, all of whom have said that I tick every box other than the kids one, and none of them have single friends they can hook me up with for that reason. They all tell me I am not a bad person, or angry and I don't come across as desperate. I have some coupled childless friends too, so I know they do exist.My last LTR was with someone in her 40s who didn't want kids but the age gap became an issue, sadly. Sorts of put you off going for an age gap again and I really don't want someone who has got older kids either. Tried that once too, far too much baggage and the ex-husband was an arsehole!What I am getting at is that society often makes me feel that I have no worth because I don't want to 'pass on my genes'. And that some women don't help matters. I've even been hassled on online dating sites by women for this - apparently I am only online to have sex because no decent woman doesn't want kids!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):
I know lots of women in their 40s and 50s without children, including my wife and my own sister. However, the class of people I know is more educated than average and lots of the women have successful careers. There are plenty such women out there and they are beautiful and desirable. They are not rare. I suggest you start dating women slightly older than you are and you will be more likely to find a match.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 There are women out there who don't want children, just keep looking.
Don't think lowly about the women who want a good man who wants a child. They do value all those qualities. You think just because someone wants children, women will flock toward them no matter how horrible they are? No. They value confidence and the ability to be a protector and provider (stereotyping a little bit here), but that's generally the ideal man because, face it, that's the whole reason why we are here. Women literally spend their whole lives preparing to have children and so do men though, physically, its a lot less painful. I know that quite a few women wouldn't think about it that way but, the women I know generally have that idea. If their bodies go through all of that, all those changes and in the end, they don't have children, it seems a huge waste of pain and growth.
Obviously, nobody wants to be alone, everyone wants someone who they can give their whole heart to but it means nothing if the future goes nowhere with them. People generally don't like being static and most people picture having children as a stage in their life otherwise, they spend the rest of their lives in a perfectly happy marriage that tends to grow stale without children. That doesn't always happen, there are childless marriages that last whole lives but those are rare indeed. People WANT to raise children, to have something grow from their love for another, to grow as a person, to change and progress through life and KNOW that they were good enough, their relationship was strong enough, loving enough to nurture a child and raise it properly because the relationship of parents matter A LOT in the life of a child. All those qualities you described, perfect for a woman who wants to be happy with a man she chooses to be her husband, it also shows someone whose perfect for being a father. Most of the women I know want someone who can be both a husband and a father to their children. Its just thinking about the future that drives them.
Just my opinion, lots of people might disagree.
Bottom line, you have to keep searching and have a lot of patience. Remember that the woman you are looking for might be harder to find because parenthood is a stage of life that most people embrace and run into, intentionally or unintentionally.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
Your anger at the women who are honest about wanting a family in the future seems misplaced. Why would you want a woman who knows she will want children to lie to you to date you? To bury her dreams for a family, with a guy with all those wonderful traits? Sounds like the lead-in to disaster to me.
You're sounding extremely cynical which is probably not an attractive dating characteristic. The women don't just want a sperm donor, they want a man who wants the same thing that they do.
Why don't you raise your age standard and find the women who are biologically beyond child-bearing age? There are plenty of women who don't want children. Get into dating women in their mid-40s and you'll probably find the career-oriented ones who didn't really want children. They'll have sorted themselves out for you.
Alternatively, find the couples you know who have no children and they will more likely have friends in similar circumstances and will know single women who don't want children either. We tend to clump together, as children are not the center of our social lives.
And for the record, I have no children and there are 2 other childless couples within a few houses of mine, and we have close friends who didn't want children either.
My guess is your attitude is putting them off. You sound judgemental, angry and bitter. Not sexy stuff there, sorry.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 June 2011):
Correction, the men we want to be the father of our children needs to be: confidence, kind, generous, loving, make me feel special, sense of humour?
Im sorry for the misunderstanding if you though the guy alone was all we were interested in.
Then again, there are some women out there who don't want children, and their entire society mocks them because of it, so they have a terrible time trying to defend the way to live their lives.
"Non-existent children are more important to them than actually finding a guy they are compatible with generally and who can treat them well and give them a loving, decent two-way partnership."
Children and family isn't important to you, ok. I guess you don't need sex then either, as you do know the only reason to have sex is to have babies. Or am I wrong? Look, this isn't about women ignoring guys over babies. This is about women wanting more out of life, to experience having a family. It is a natural instinct, an urge, a desire, just as strong, or STRONGER, than the natural instinct to seek out a partner for a relationship. You do also know that the only reason you seek out women is for natural instincts, urges, and enrichment of your life?
Don't blame women who wont date you for having different ideas about what enriches their lives. Without children, many of us just feel poor, like we don't have anything worth anything in life, and that we don't leave anything behind. Finding the right guy is one step in the direction of sharing the creation of a family with that person. To join with that person at the "next level" so to speak. It is the ultimate relationship goal for most of us (children, and getting married too).
I'd rather have a child with an ok man, than be without children with an amazing man. Because it's something I long to have, wish to experience, and come on.. creating life is pretty awesome. When your on your deathbed looking back.. you kinda want to have that box checked out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): You are funny, I feel for you. No, that's not true, we don't just want sperm donor. We actually want a lifetime partner, as we all know that kids grow up and leave the nest.
It's encoded in us to be mothers, we can't help it. We need to nurture someone, who is a better candidate for this than a helpless child.
My husband didn't want any kids, but we agreed on one. She is 24 now, and what a joy she is for us.
I think your best bet would be an older woman, or even may be your age who already has grown or getting there kids, and doesn't want to hear about having one. But if your preference late twenties, early thirties, than you r in trouble. And dating sites showed it.
I know few men who are now in their mid late forties and sinlgle, because of this exact reason.
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