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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I need your opinions on this please...I am in my mid 50's and have been dating a man who is also in his mid 50's. We met online about 4 months ago, he lives very close by, and we have been seeing one another occasionally ever since we met (it started out about twice a week when we first me due to his job hours being less during the summer months and he had more time then; now it's about once a week as his job hours pick up during the fall/winter months and he works lots of overtime). We truly enjoy one another's company. Other than his working long hours, he also takes care of his elderly mother who lives with him. He is divorced for many years now, and has had a few relationships since his divorce. His last relationship ended about a year ago, and he tells me thst she is truly his ex. He has told me that they bowl on the same bowling league once a week....it's been that way for years supposedly. He also tells me she has been texting him to try to move back in with him, but he has refused that. I also asked him if he has told her about me, and he says it's none of her business what he does with his life. I told him this upsets me that he doesn't break contact with her or tell her that he is moving on with his life by dating me. He says he doesn't see her at all other than on the days they bowl.My question is this...when we are together he is absolutely wonderful, very respectful, affectionate, takes his time with me, doesn't push me for sex (we did spend one weekend away together and did have sex which was wonderful). He treats me very well and always tells me that he truly enjoys being with me. He is a real gentleman. During the time we are not together he is very busy working (he drives for his job, which sometimes takes him out of town), plus he is also taking care of obligations at home, his sick mother, etc. I don't hear too much from him when we're apart except for an occasional call or text when we are not together. He says he is trying to bulld a relationship with me, but I can't see how that is possible if we don't see one another or talk that often. He insists that this is all due to his long work hours and obligatins at home to his sick mother. Yet I remind him we only live about 5 minutes away from one another. He has been open and honest with me so far, as everything he has told me matches up to what I can find out about him. Am I reading into things too much? Is this expected behavior for 4 months of occasional dating? I feel as if it should be more by now. I have asked him, and he says to be patient as his work hours will be less in the spring and we will have more time together then to do more. My feelings for him are deep and he knows this, but I have laid back about this cause I want him to make the effort most of the time. He is a really nice guy and I don't want to lose him, but I somehow feel neglected when I'm not with him, and I've told him this and it's always the same reply....very busy schedule at work, sick mother, etc. Any advice here please???
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe reached out to me by text late this afternoon to tell me the latest update regarding his job & the issue he's dealing with now. I kept my part of the text conversation light but yet supportive, asking him if he wanted to talk about it he could call & I would listen, or if he wanted to stop by & talk if he wanted to, & if not, that would be ok too & I would understand. I left the ball in his court, and will continue to do so from now on....because I care about him & want what is best for him & also to keep myself in a less stressful situation as well. Day by day...going with the flow. That's how it will have to be if I want any chance of truly getting him to a place in his life that includes being with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he feels overwhelmed, and I really have no choice other than to let things ride with the flow & see what transpires. I will create a little distance between us, but I can't let him go because I love him. I just can't tell him this, but I hope that someday he realizes what a good woman I am for him & thinks about how wonderful we could be together. I can't even begin to consider trying to date again; my heart just hurts too much. I am willing to wait things out for a while.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 He has told you, in a nice and caring way, that he feels pressured and he is not ready to take your relationship to the next level , as you want and as you may have sent him "signals " about.
It is probably true that he feels overwhelmed by his work schedule and home responsibilities- or else he may just be used to his single life. Anyway, what (I think ) he means is that he likes you and likes spending time with you, but does not want time committments and obligations, he wants to keep it more casual.
They say you can take a horse to the water but you can't make it drink. Now it is up to you. Either you relax and..enjoy the ride , without pressures or even hints to hasten the pace of your relationship.
Or, you decide that you need more than he's able to give you right now, and let him go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update since my coffee meeting with him last week...
All last week after that evening with him, he called once and sent me flirty text messages each day right up until Saturday. I texted him Sat evening as he was out of town driving for his job, & I wished him a safe trip back home on Sunday. I had not heard from him at all, so yesterday I left him a voice message asking him if all was ok with him. Last night he sent me a text telling me that I should set myself free, and how he just could never make me happy cause of his busy schedule & obligations at home. I am so confused. We texted back and forth last night, and I told him how happy he does make me when we are together & I didn't understand why he was feeling this way. He said he feels pressure from all ends. As we were texting, he followed up with a phone call to talk, & he was pleasant on the phone, saying he does enjoy being with me & he is just so stressed out that he doesn't know what to do about anything anymore. I told him how I am ok with seeing him occasionally & that I truly understand his situation, but I am a caring person & can't change that about myself. This morning he sent me a text at 6am when he knew I was up for work, then he followed up with a phone call telling me where he was heading for the day. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride with this man, but inside me I truly love him, but I can't tell him this...it would just pressure him more to hear that. Is he truly confused, or what? Is he playing games with me...I don't think he is, but I am so confused. I am hurting so much inside I just want to talk with him in person one day maybe next week when he has a day off, and hope he will agree, but I have done that before & leave even more confused after we talk. Please please..I need some solid advice.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 November 2010):
Glad to hear that - everything seems to be on track. Yes, 4 months is too early to attempt "predictions ". You'll have to just relax, let him pursue you , enjoy his courtship and see where it goes ( for a few months more , I'd say- not years, obviously ).
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I did give him a call after I got home from work the other night, & he really liked the idea of getting out for coffee & to talk. While we were out & as the night went on, he told me he had been planning to call me anyway that night cause he knew he wouldn't be able to get out any other night this week due to his being out of town for work. After we got home that night, he began texting me for a while (he initiated it). And yesterday he texted me back about something we talked about when we were together that night, so I feel ok about this. He drives a coach bus for his job & goes out of town most weekends (I try to go with him sometimes), but this weekend I am not able to go. He said he would bring his laptop so we could video chat. I'm tending to agree with what some of the posters here have said in that 4 months is not enough time to evaluate this relationship. Giving it patience, & as time goes by, I hope a good enough trust develops between us that it will develop further.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 November 2010):
No no, I did not say there is any harm in calling, - you are friends and one phone call is neither stalking nor a breech of etiquette.
And, men are notoriously remiss in reciprocating communications in a timely fashion, so often women pick up the slack for them-
What I mean is, that at this stage there seem to be a slight confusion about the nature of this relationship and the doubts will not be dispelled until you'll be the proactive one, or at least the more often proactive one.
One thing is accepting an appointment, or returning a message, and another is initiating things and showing some effort, which is precisely what you want him to do, as you said in your post.
Tell him, kindly and non confrontationally,of course, that you enjoy his company and would like to spend more time with him, which is surely feasible since you are neighbours- then leave it at that and just observe what he does.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never push him or anything of the sort. I just need to plan other things like studying for an online class that I'm taking but since our time spent together is limited I didn't see any harm in calling. Any other advice would be appreciated. Thank you
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 November 2010):
Peraps I wouldn't do it. Not because there would be anything wrong. Like you said, you are friends, you have been hanging out for months,- it 's no big deal if you call him.
But , if you keep being proactive and initiating contact, you will not have the answers you seek. You won't know if he is into you enough to make an effort, or how much of his time and thought is he really willing to devote you, without you pushing and prodding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don't know what to think with this man sometimes, but I am having a very difficult time dealing with not having his closeness as much as I would like. When we are together it is wonderful, but when we are not, I just feel like he's so far away. I hear from him on average about two to three times a week either via text or call. If I initiate a text or call he usually replies to me. I am upset now cause just a few days ago he called me to say how much he enjoys being with me, & that he was really going to try to meet up with me after he got done work yesterday for coffee or something. I never heard from him. I shot him a quick light text saying 'hey, are we still on for tonight', and he never replied to my text. I know for sure that he is off work today and tomorrow. I really want to see him tonight because if I don't, I won't get to see him for at least another week due to his job. What am I to do? Would it be ok that if I don't hear back from him by this afternoon to give him a call so he can hear my voice asking him if he could meet up for coffee tonight? I know he goes bowling on Wednesdays, so tomorrow won't work for him. It's not like we don't know one another....we are not strangers; we've been dating occasionally for 4 months, spent a weekend together, etc. I feel comfortable calling asking him if we can do something tonight.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 November 2010):
In partial agreement with the other respondent, I too think that 4 months is still early to predict where things are headed . You are basically still getting to know each other and it takes time to build a solid relationship. So, be patient and see what develops...for a while. Not forever, and not for too long.
I think that a man who's pushing sixty should be able to know what he wants in terms of relationships. Does he want a steady companion ? Or did he get used to be single and he's fine with just casual encounters ?
At his age, he should be quite aware of his wants and needs.
Of course, he does not know you well yet, and he need to spend more time with you to find out if you are really compatible- this is just fair. But ,other than that, if he is content to keep " dating " and "hanging out ", and he is shy of committment like a guy in his 20's... that would not be a compliment to his level of maturity.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 The moment your heart started feeling pain because you could not be with him, it was evident that this is a relationship, assuming he feels the same way which he probably does judging by the way you described his behavior.
I will tell you what I think is clear. It is clear that you both are ready to take it to the next step and it is clear that this is a stable enough relationship, the only problem is the mess that surrounds you both. He has his ill mother and work, you have a child that has yet to 'spread his wings and fly'. All the more reason to be patient.
After your son has his own place to live, there is no reason why cannot move in with him and his mother if you do not mind that. This way your relationship can progress more easily.
I hope that helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I agree that time should give me the answer. Would you call this a 'relationship' yet, or just 'dating'? I think we're still building toward a relationship. I lso don't think he is looking to 'settle' just yet because of his elderly sick mom still living with him, and also because I still have one son living home with me who just graduated college & is now working & hoping to get his own place next year. I just sometimes feel so distant to him when I'm not with him due to his infrequent calls/texts (about 1-2x a week- a text or a call), but I keep thinking of how he is when I am with him no matter what we are doing...even if it's for just a coffee date, he is very respectful of me. He knows how I feel, but as I said, I don't want to bring it up too much anymore, but my heart is really hurting & I want more of him, & the more I am with him the feelings grow stronger. He brings me very close to him when we are together (arms around my waist, always holding hands, etc). Almost like he wants to move to the next step. I asked him if anything was holding him back & he said no. I know for sure he isn't married cause I've been to his place and his mom does indeed live with him.
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reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (8 November 2010):
To be honest, I think this is for the best. Take time, I think you need to have been dating for more than just 4 months to be sure of anything. For example, I do not know whether or not you are expecting this relationship to progress towards marriage but, if so, it would be best to wait, just date each other a while longer. Be patient and things shall sort themselves out eventually.
I hope that helps.
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