A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I'm needing advice from a male. I just divorced, and me and this 23 yr. old guy, have been sleeping with each other since the 1st night we hung out together. I'm 20 yrs old myself. I haven't been single in about 5 years. We've only been doing this for about a week now. But I asked him the other day to define what we were. If we were talkin, or if we were just fuck buddies. He sent me a text saying well in his view, I need to stay single for a little while because like I said I haven't been single in about 5 years. I said ok, I just needed to know so I would know what to expect. But I think that I'm getting mixed signals from him. Another guy told me he thinks he likes me as more than a fuck buddy, but I'm not sure. The reason I say I'm getting mixed signals is because well, he works on a rig, and as soon as he gets off work, he texts me all the the way up until he goes to bed. I didn't think fuck buddies did that. I just really need to know something. Are we fuck buddies or are we talking.
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divorce, fuck buddy, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sunflowerpower +, writes (16 October 2009):
 I am in almost the exact same situation, except I haven't ever been married.
A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (16 October 2009):
your a fwb. you been sleeping together from the start. he is already getting wut he wants so there is no reason for him desire more. men don't get attached emotionally like women do so once you sleep with us its complete for a lot of men. btw if he really like you as more you wudnt have to ask anyone you wud just know.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 October 2009):
 Wow married at 18 and divorced at 20? I bet that wasnt how you imagined your life was going to turn out! I really do hope you take my advice because if you dont, as Marriedlady said you will be posting on this site many more times with new questions about your troubled relationships. And realistically if you dont spend some time alone you could end up with a few more divorces under your belt before you are 30!
Stay away from men for a while - it will be the best thing you ever did. Yes it will be hard, you will get lonely, you will cry, you will long for a man who loves you to put his arms round you....but when all that passes you will be left a stronger, more confident and happier person.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): i think that k c100 gave some incredibly good advice. Print out a copy or 2. Post one on your fridge and put a copy in your purse. These things are fundemental. If you do not learn who YOU ARE...you will be a frequent poster on here with broken relationship questions. .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni've only been married 2 years. but its been 5 years since I was single. we were having problems. sorry about the confusion.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 October 2009):
This doesnt make sense! You are divorced at 20? And you are sleeping with 2 guys already? Please do correct me if I'm wrong but there seems to be a lot of confusion!
Basically if you have just come out of a marriage and have not been single for 5 years then you should be single for at least 6 months - that means no "fuck-buddies" and no relationships. The break-up of a marriage is a traumatic time and you need time to grieve for the loss of your marriage.
You also have not been single since you were 15 - this means that you have done most of your growing up whilst in a relationship. So ask yourself this - do you actually know who YOU are? Do you know what YOU want from life? What are YOUR dreams and aspirations? When you are part of a couple all your decisions are made based on what BOTH of you want, so ever since you have been 15 you will have been having to compromise on what YOU want in order to make sure it is something you BOTH want.
So now you have the chance to be selfish, to enjoy life and follow your dreams. You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you, so instead of worrying about guys and thinking about what they want from you - focus on yourself. It takes a lot to be comfortable with being alone and happy to spend time alone - when you can truly say you enjoy your own company and are happy as you are then you are ready for a relationship. But at the moment you are still adjusting from being someone's wife to being a single girl - you need to give yourself time to do this and get used to being alone.
Being single doesnt mean "woohoo I can sleep around, I can go out and have sex with whoever I want, make-out with whoever I want etc". What being single is actually about is re-discovering who you are as a person and getting your life back on track as a single person, not as one half of a couple. It gives you the chance to do hobbies you may have given up in the past or never got around to trying, it allows you to spend more time with friends and family, it means you can spend money on what you want without worrying what your other half will say.
It seems you have come out of your marriage and are jumping into a relationship with the next guy that has come along - because if you really think about it I bet you are scared of being alone because you have not been alone in a very long time. So actually this "fuck buddy" of yours, and the other guy (if there is another guy!) are not at all important to you, and it makes no difference what role they play in your life. The reality is you shouldnt be spending time with any men in a sexual or romantic capacity.
This guy is spot on with what he told you - and the reason he said you should be single is probably because a) he doesnt want to get involved with any divorce drama - ex's can be a nightmare and going through a divorce is never easy and b) he doesnt want to be a re-bound for you (which he is - although I bet you wont admit it!).
Generally fuck buddies dont text each other as frequently as you have indicated - but you must see that this man will never see you as more than sex. You slept with him the first time you met him - he will think you behave like that with every man you meet! He will think you are easy to get into bed therefore he can never see you as a serious relationship potential because you are so free with your body.
Now I am not saying that having casual sex is always a bad thing - if you are safe (condoms + birth control) and neither person has feelings for each other then ok, why not have sex? But in reality if you one day would like to meet a nice guy and settle down again, then sleeping around now will only come back to haunt you. And using sex as a way of feeling intimacy again after your divorce is a really destructive way of coping - by having "fuck buddies" it will not replace your husband nor will it make any of the pain from the break-up go away. It will only displace the emotions making your next relationships even harder.
I think what you need to do is end all relationships, sexual or romantic with any men in your life. They are not good for you right now and the best thing to do is be alone for a few months. Get to know yourself all over again, find out what makes you happy. And no, men dont make you happy. And if you are using men to make you happy (or using sex to make you happy) then this is very bad and you need to stop right away. If you can make yourself happy then that is the point when you are ready to be dating again - a man in your life should be like a little added bonus - the icing on the cake. Your life as a single girl should be nearly perfect, where you are very happy with everything in life. Then a man can come along and make things just that little bit better.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): I think that he likes you but I also think that it is probably more on the side of being friend with benefits rather than he wants you as his girlfriend,
The reason I say that is because he has said you should stay single for a while. Honestly I think he nejoys hanging with, likes the sex but there probably isnt anything deeper there.
If you are happy being FWB then theres no harm done at al enjoy it, at least he is a nice guy.
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