A
female
age
26-29,
*ewbie31
writes:I'm a sophomore in highschool. I currently have an unspoken thing with a senior. We are mutual friends of my neighbor's. Matt (neighbor) kind of prompted us. It was so obvious I liked Sid. I didn't know if he liked me or not. He dropped hints, but I'm very hesitant to assume things. Sid asked me to a concert a month and a half in advance. The concert was great, he had his hands on my hips and even let me stand on his feet to view the stage. Then after when we were walking back through an alley to his car he pulled me to the side of the building and kissed me. We shared several kisses until we got to my house. Then in the driveway I got a short kiss, rushed. We've been hanging out at my neighbors and saw a movie solo last week. He kissed me at the movies. (Afterwards at his car, not during which I think says something about his character) Ethan doesn't talk about his feelings with anyone. I finally asked him what we were. He said he didn't know, but he likes me. Okay, so he likes me. Are we dating? I don't know, which drives me nuts! Today he came to my little sister's eleventh birthday party which was ice skating. I initiated holding his hand and such. He seemed tense, but we still joked around and talked. He bought my sister a movie, tunes giftcard, and packs of gum. Which was very thoughtful because he didn't have to get her anything. So when we were leaving he gave me a short hug saying "I'll talk to you tomorrow" which is good, but I want a quick kiss goodbye or a longer hug. I don't know if he is hesitant to be affection because people are around. I want to go for a kiss but I'm afraid of rejection. He does like me though. He's always suggesting we do things like make huge kitkats or go skiing or laserdome. And when we watch movies at my neighbors house he puts his arm around me and let's me sit on his lap. This was a lot, and if you took the time to read this I'm very impressed and appreciative. Just digest it and give me feedback. Thank you! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 November 2011):
 I have to disagree with your sister. It's dangerous and leads to disappointment living " in your mind ". Don't assume you are dating,"just in your mind "- au contraire, stay with what it is : assume you are NOT dating and you won't be unless he changes his mind- because he just told you so, very simple and clear. In the meantime, therefore, act as what you are and what he wants you to be : a friend. A cool awesome friend, but - not a cuddle buddy or a kissing practice tool. Enjoy his company ( if you can, without too many expectations and mind trips ) and consider yourself single. You don't have to force yourself to love another guy , or to chase boys just to spite this one, but you understand , I guess, it's not good to keep all your egg in a basket- when the chicken is so reluctant and wishy-washy..
A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (16 November 2011):
Newbie31 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've talked to my mother about this with my sister. They both said that he was being timid. They think he idnt quite ready to admit that he really likes me, but that he obviously does. He has been the one who kisses me, and puts his arm around me ocassionally. I never initiate shows of affection except a quick goodbye hug. My sis tells me to assume we are dating, but only in my mind, that way I can relax and just be myself. If things don't happen with him I will just move on. I covered with him that he's a senor and that I'm not looking to hold him back, rather I want to have fun and let whatever we have become what it will without having to second guess and hold back. I feel like he's the kind of guy that if I went to date someone else, he'd see it as I'm not interested at all anymore and then he would supress any feelings he has for me. I think this because he is not seeing anyone else. Now that I've talked to him I'm going to continue as if I hadn't, but will be more at ease in my actions. I pray the day comes when one of us realizes our feelings, good or bad. Maybe ill decide its just not worth it and make it easy for both of us to just be friends. I want to give him space and "time to miss me" but still think it'd be good to receive one on one time with him. Tease him a little. I was impressed that he was able to have that conversation with me and that it didn't leave us awkward and defeated. He rarely opens up to people.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 November 2011):
 Ah yes, you had to tell him. I understand. I had similar feelings too and could not keep my feelings hidden. The problem is that you force him to declare how he's feeling at that moment and if he is still figuring things out, you get the answer you got from him.
It's not a "no" I'm not interested in you but it's not the declaration you were looking for. The thing is that he was telling you by his actions that he was still in the initial phases of courtship. You were just out ahead of him.
So what do you do now? You live your life. You remain bright and funny and really cool and awesome, you continue to talk to him as if he'd never said anything even remotely unsettling and you do not wait for him to figure it out. Assume he won't. Then you'll be pleasantly surprised if he does decide he wants you to be his girlfriend, but not devastated that he never asks.
When you talk to him, focus on him for the most part, but allow your eyes to wander off, gazing at some imaginary guy behind him and give the impression that you are not 100% there for him. You don't need to have staring contests with other guys but you definitely need to show that your attention and interest is waning.
I think there may be too much of an age gap for him, he's a senior and you're a sophomore, which means he's leaving school to go to college or a job or whatever his future holds. He may feel like you are a really cool person but that you aren't quite girlfriend material.
At least you got the answer to the question you had, and now you know that you are not dating. Which leaves you free to date other guys. Do so. I don't mean that you are expected to get sexually active with other guys, I merely mean that you go out and enjoy the company of other guys so that you are not left stuck pining for a senior who in a few short months may no longer be around.
So continue to be funny and bright and friendly to him, just tone down the physical stuff. If he asks you out on a proper date, go! If he doesn't, well I doubt it's you, it's probably more a case of life's awful timing. Just don't show him how disappointed you are or he'll feel more pressure to reciprocate with feelings he just doesn't have at this point.
Does that help? And have you shared this with your mom or dad? Parents have been through all the dating stuff and actually can remember what it was like.
You were very brave and I like your take-charge attitude, now divert your attention and energy to other friends and other guys as well, so he doesn't feel suffocated. Give him a chance to miss you, okay?
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A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (15 November 2011):
Newbie31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to him today about it. I told him I dnt know what we are and I'm tired of tiptoing around him. He told me to be myself and do what I want. I replied I can't because I dnt know what he wants. He said he doesn't know. He said he really likes me, but still doesn't know if its because um really cool and he likes me as an awesome friend or if he really likes me and wants to date me. He said once he figures it out he'll tell me. Not what I wanted but I'm glad I had the guts to talk to him. What do I do from here? ...
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A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (12 November 2011):
Newbie31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha-1 for elaborating on your advice. It makes sense and has opened my eyes a little bit wider to my situation. I will definately try to be a little more unavailable, but don't think I could pull off acting as if other guys are fighting over me. I'm not that good at acting, haha. I'm glad you took time to consider my predicament. Thanks again.
Cindy Cares, thank you as well for the advice.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2011):
My suggestion is to make him work to be with you. Become less available. Be a bit more mysterious and vague about who you are spending time with. Create the illusion that you have lots of boys chasing you and are having to fend them off.
If you are initiating public displays of affection, it may feel too early to him and it may make him feel trapped. I think your feelings are understandable, I would have wanted to do the same thing at your age but trust me on this one, back off. He is signalling that he isn't ready to be official, so if you push on him now, his answer to whether you two are bf/gf right now might be "no." You don't want him to say "no," because once he's said that out loud, you two are over.
So please, relax, create some gap between you, a gap he has to choose to cross to be with you. Keep it light and bright for a while and if after a few more months, nothing has happened, then you can talk about it. Don't sit on his lap for the time being. Flirt with him about it, but don't do it.
He knows you like him, he knows you want more, so confuse him and back off. That will make him wonder if you are getting bored with him!
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female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (11 November 2011):
Newbie31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionClarifications: I'm 16 he is 17. We've been going on dates for around three months now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2011):
Don't get out ahead of yourself, you've been on one date and have spent some time with him. This one date doesn't make you an official couple just yet.
My advice is to slow down a bit and don't pressure him to declare himself just yet. Give him time to get to know you, and you to know him. If you put pressure on him to make it "official" you may wind up driving him away; most guys that age don't like to feel manipulated by the girl. They like to be the chasers--it's more fun to believe you have to work for something than to have it flung at your feet. There's no challenge in that!
So just enjoy getting to know him. If you two have been out on a lot of dates in the next few months, THEN you can ask if you two are an official couple, okay?
Good luck.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 November 2011):
I understand not wanting to advertise your relationship on billboards and being reserved ( not secretive ) about your romances.
The problem here is not that maybe he prefers not to tell your friends if you are dating, the problem is that is not even telling it to you !
Of course he likes you to some extent , but perhaps alas it's no so big an extent. When you really like someone , you KNOW you want to date them, there's really not much space for indecision.
Mind you , I am not saying he's a player. Probably, you being only 14 and he just slightly older, he does not see the need of going steady and being "serious",and he's just more comfortable with this sort of unlabelled friendship/romance. It makes sense and I don't blame him, the only thing is to see if YOU are comfortable too with it !
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A
female
reader, Newbie31 +, writes (10 November 2011):
Newbie31 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice, but I don't think it's his personality to say "YES!" He is very outgoing, but very conservative when it comes to his feelings. He doesn't talk to anyone about his relationships because he feels its his and the other persons business. I respect thisto and I know he likes me, I just don't know to what extent. I don't know if he wants people to know. But not in the "I'm ashamed of you way", but in the "this is about us, I have you and I don't need to prove it to anyone but you and me"
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2011):
Maybe mine is a gloomy view of life,:) but I think it's wiser to assume that " I don't know " is a polite :No.
Why ? Because if you really want to do or have something, you do know it and it's definitely a yes, in fact a YESSSS!
Maybe he likes your company and he finds you attractive, ( he surely does if he wants to hang out and kiss ) ,just not to the point of wanting you as a gf. Maybe he feels " he is not ready for a relationship " ( and your age bracket is the only one in which this is a true reason and not a BS excuse as it is in general ).
I suppose there's nothing wrong if you hang out some more and see what pans out , ... but to be honest I think that at your age any girl needs,wants and deserves only an enthusiastic YESSS !
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