A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife is awesome, smart, beautiful, an amazing mother, and a accomplished ballerina. I love her with my entire being. I'm confident she feels that same love for meWe have one big issue to tackle and it is a matter of pride and control----- the problem may seem small because there are so many simple solutions that have been shown to be successful The problem:my wife and I always think our opinions, advice, solutions, are the correct ones and will fight tooth and nail when we believe our idea is the best solution to the problem. Is this just a veiled passive-aggressive fight to be the one to "wear the pants" in our relationship?I know that each women is unique and each marriage has its own way of operating. I truly believe I would be the best choice as head of the household.. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 August 2012):
 The person who has what it takes to be in charge, IS in charge. True leaders do not fight and argue about who is the boss and they don't try to control others. They INSPIRE others to want to follow them, by showing they are wise, trustworthy and consider the needs of everyone before themselves.If your wife is 'awesome', 'smart' and 'an amazing mother', then that must mean she knows what's she's talking about and is correct most of the time. Why don't you yield to her ideas then, except in areas she knows little about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): I say drop her for me because I'm old school and I have always wanted a man that can be the head of the household as long as he knows how to be the head of the household... I have no problem with that whatsoever.. a man that wear the pant... I will be your help meet baby!! I have never wanted a man with a skirt on so pick me!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (12 August 2012):
 It sounds like your male pride is rearing its ugly head with the comment that you would be the best choice as head of the household. And I agree with the other posts that you need to drop that attitude.
A relationship isn't about having a commander-in-chief, it's about working with and compromising with the person you supposedly love. Many times there isn't a right or wrong answer to problems anyway, it's more a matter of what creative solutions you can apply that will actually work.
The comment that "each woman is unique and each marriage has its own way of operating" also puts me off a bit too. Maybe you don't know much about human nature, but usually everyone wants to be heard and feel like their ideas are important and taken seriously. That is a trait of humankind. Not women. Also, most marriages operate by a loving understanding that sometimes the other partner should be able to make a decision, even if it is the wrong one.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2012):
 Why do you two HAVE to have a head of the household?
It's not about gender. It's about finding a way to make decisions together without it being WWIII. Just because you are a man, doesn't mean that automatically you make better decisions.
You two need to get some Couples Communication Tools.
In our house I DO make most of the decisions, my husband is gone often due to work, I run the place in the day-to-day, but that doesn't mean my husband doesn't have a say. The bigger costing things, such as a car (soon a house) will be made by the both of us. If we can't agree, then obviously it's not the right choice.
And that... is after 14 years.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2012): I can't speak for your wife, but I think your problem lies in this attitude: I truly believe I would be the best choice as head of the household."
You need to drop that attitude. It probably causes a lot of the tension you're experiencing and it's not a realistic option if you're raising a family together...it's got to be a collaboration.
I'll preface that I've never been married, but I have strong-willed and stubborn parents and watched them negotiate over 30 years. I think they've gotten over this sort of tension by agreeing that they both had areas of the household they could control. My mother handles finances...my father plans vacations. My mother handles the kitchen... my father fixes the car and things around the house. They know how to let go and let each other have control. And I believe they're a lot less stressed out because of it. Like I said I've never been married, but even as an adult, I've always admired how well they work together as a team.
If you insist on fighting over every little thing to assert yourself as head of the household, you'll ruin your relationship with your wife and you'll set a terrible example for your kids.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (12 August 2012):
It may be a contest for control, but it is ultimately caused by the both of you having unconditional confidence in the belief that your way is the right way. It’s not about trying to assert dominance, it’s an inability or refusal to try and see the merits and flaws in each other’s viewpoint and compromise together. If you can take a moment whenever you feel a conversation escalating in to an argument, and remind each other of the need to have your say and find common ground, you can, because you’ll be consciously trying to, discuss things in a civilised way that doesn’t involve shouting, and putting up your defensive barriers that cause you to become incapable of questioning your own point of view. If you and your wife are both willing to acknowledge that, because you’re both strong-willed, your communication needs to be worked on together, and can put your heads together and work out a better way, you can implement your own system for defusing an argument and revisiting the subject with a more constructive mindset and approach.
I wish you all the very best.
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