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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How does anyone get a girlfriend? I'm 24, almost 25, and every woman I ask out rejects me. I've tried over and over again. I use a wheelchair, but I'm finishing a degree in Web design/development to start a career in Web design and my specific disability doesn't affect my ability to go out and have fun or cuddle or get intimate so I don't know what the problem is. I try not to act desperate and still I get rejected. Are the disabled unlovable?
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disabled, get a girlfriend Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2012): No absolutely not! Just go look up Sean Stephenson on either youtube or google. He is severely disabled and just got married to a gorgeous woman!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): Funny, isn't it? Often read on here suggestions that you "become friends" with girls/women and get to know them before asking them out. All that does is put you in the friend zone.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 I have a disability (visually impaired) and it has never interfered with my love life. Aunt Honesty is absolutely right - you need to change your approach. Find a way for these women to get to know you on a friendship level before asking them out.
I'm not going to lie, the disability does make it harder, because it scares people off. Even though I'm extremely independent and NEVER use my disability as an excuse for special treatment or anything else, people still shy away from me.
Every guy I've ever dated, either started out as a friend, or someone who spent a lot of time around me - which allowed them to get to know me as a "person" and not as a "disability".
Take your time and be patient - let them get to know you, and eventually YOU is all they will see.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 Do the women you ask out know you're asking them out? Often what we think is obvious isn't so obvious, and half the time the woman sits and wonders "why isn't he making any moves yet??".
And, like someone else said, not only people with disabilities get rejected dude. That's something everyone face, so don't blame the poor wheelchair. The wheelchair's got nothing to do with it. Unfortunately, being shot down is part of the game. But the more times you ask someone out, the better you get at the "smooth talking", the better you get at being charming, and the higher the chances of getting a "yes".
Learn the tricks, google "how to know a girl likes you" and then take a look around you to see if you notice something new. The clues are out there, you just need to learn how to read them.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (5 December 2012):
Hi there,No, the disabled are not unlovable and I wouldn't take the rejection as proof of that. Most men get rejected many times by women and vice versa, if not, there wouldn't be so many posts about it by non-disabled people here on DC. As aunt honesty said, maybe it takes a bit more time for women to feel comfortable with the thought of dating you, because they don't know anyone with a disability and so they're maybe a bit scared or worried. Generally, the better your social skills, the easier it will be for you to find someone. So, make sure you spend a lot of time around other people, care about friendships and go out. Be active, so you get to know a lot of new people and have a good time with them, even if it's not in a romantic way. Don't let being single bring you down and don't lock yourself up. The most dangerous thing you can do as a single is staying home and waiting for magic to happen. I do that sometimes, too, never helps :)
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 December 2012):
Do you honestly think it’s only disabled people who at the age of 24 haven’t had a relationship yet or keep getting rejected? The disabled are certainly not unlovable. Many people with all kinds of disabilities enjoy loving relationships. Society may not always have the greatest of attitudes to disabled people, there’s no point pretending that prejudices and assumptions don’t exist. But there are plenty of people who see your values, qualities, strengths and abilities as well as your disability. If you search through questions on this site, you will see many questions from people much older than you asking why they have been single for so long and questioning whether there’s something wrong with them. I always point out that if you’re seeking a relationship, you’re looking for one person out of such a huge crowd. Those who find their special some-one earlier in life are, frankly, people who happened to have been blessed with a bit of good luck. There’s always luck involved when you meet some-one special regardless of how great a person you are. Your bit of good fortune just hasn’t materialised yet. It’s easy to say don’t get down about it, but honestly it will be bad for you if you convince yourself that no-one could love you because you are disabled, and you filter out the fact that many people of your age with no disabilities have many of the same anxieties because they’ve not had a relationship yet. Concentrate on forming friendships, because the best relationships often start from a firm friendship. Don’t rush it when you meet some-one you like, get to know them and let them get to know you before you declare your feelings. Another suggestion: try on-line dating, making sure you follow all safety advice. It gets a bad press. People say all kinds of unpleasant things about people who use these services, but if you have heard these I’d urge you to ignore them and give it a try. Shop around and do your research as the quality of sites vary enormously, but a good one will allow you to describe yourself and what you’re looking for and allow you to view such information about others. This helps people by filtering out unsuitable members and gives you the chance to know something about the person before you meet. You might like to consider disclosing your disability somewhere in your profile. A good way would be to start your description by saying something about you, what you enjoy, what you study or do for a job, your personality and qualities, what’s important to you etc. You then go on to talk about the person you are looking for, what they are like and other information such as whether they need to share a particular interest with yourself, for example. When you’ve done that, go on to say a brief comment about your disability. Here’s an example: “I am a wheelchair user but as you can see my disability does not stop me enjoying a full and fulfilling life.” If you’d rather word it differently, go ahead, you’re in control. Then don’t end on that note, conclude by saying something like “looking forward to hearing from you.” If you do that, you get the disclosure out of the way so you can be confident that anyone who is interested in you knows and obviously doesn’t mind, but also you do so in a way that tells people that you are a person who is disabled, and not a disabled person. There’s a subtle but significant difference. You are not defined by a disability.
There’s lots of advice here but most important is to realise that there’s nothing wrong with you, or anything unlovable about a person with a disability and it’s important that you try really hard not to give in to such beliefs and give up trying to meet new people because of them. It can take anyone of us a long time to find happiness in life, whether that’s in a relationship, in our careers, our family lives, spiritual lives or whatever. Don’t be disheartened.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, Noidentity. +, writes (5 December 2012):
No, disabled people are not unlovable but there are a lot of shallow, insensitive people out there. Its best to meet someone who is kind-hearted and has a great personality.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 No off course the disabled are not unlovable. My guess is that you are just approaching the wrong girls for you. Maybe you should start of by getting to know a girl as a friend and let them get to know you before you ask them out. Maybe some off these girls might be afraid of your disability and that is why they are not giving you a chance, but if you take your time and establish a friendship with a girl before asking her out she will at least see beyond the wheelchair and she will know you as a person.
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