A
female
age
30-35,
*milymarie26
writes:My ex and I broke up about six months ago, but all the feelings are still there. Lately he and I have been talking about getting back together, but I told him I wanted to wait to meet up in person and see where things stand (I'm at school 800 miles away, I'll be back home in a couple weeks). Basically, even though I still love him, we broke up because he was kind of immature and extremely jealous, and I want to make sure that's not going to get in the way of us being happy again. He wants to just jump right back in though, telling me to forget the past and start all over new.My question is am I right for wanting to be cautious and believing that a relationship takes more than just saying you love that person? Or should I be willing to clear the slate without any second thoughts, in the name of love? Is love really all I need?
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broke up, immature, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Someone recently descirbed to me how they viewed relationships. Like a house.
You have a foundation based on trust, one sturdy wall is love, one sturdy wall is communication, one sturdy wall is honesty,and the last wall commitment. The roof is the overall relationship.
Trust is obvious. You need to trust the person you are with otherwise you can easily become jealous or suspicious. You can have a relationship without trust, but it is niether healthy nor could you sa its a basis for a long standing relationship.
Love is also a no brainer. People are in loveless relation(relationships of convenience) and that also can lead to feeling trapped in your situation and affairs.
Communication is key. How many times have we heard that? You need to be able to open up to your partner. They aren't mind readers and they cant expect you to know what they are thinking either. If you dont talk about what bothers you, what makes you happy or anything like that you will find yourself in negative repetative cycles.
Honesty. Now that you can communicate you need to be honest about what you are saying. Lies can easily destory the foundation of your relationship and knock the communiaction wall flying.
Commitment. You and he have to be dedicated to the relationship and tend to it. When there is a problem you both should be on it to fix it without fear and hesistation. And if you have honesty, trust and communication those problems should be able to be fixed easily.
You can have a house with just three walls, but it lets in too much than what should be allowed. You can have a house with two walls, but its really fragile and you cant have a house at all with only one wall. You need all four walls if you want a long lasting, healthy relationship.
Personally I think you are right to be cautious. He is asking you to forgive him completely of his previous behaviour and you should let him know you are not about to do so. Its should be acknowledged and worked on. It shouldn't be forgotten about as it will just crop up in this "new" relationship.
HonningKanin
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 December 2009):
It's about WAY more than love.
Any idiot can fall in love, and love comes and goes. It changes and is very different at different times.
To make a relationship work takes effort, and thought, and respect, and forgiveness, and patience. And that has to come from BOTH sides.
The most important thing, way more than love, is happiness. If both people can make the other happy, then it's all good. You an be in love and miserable to the point of killing yourself if you are being mistreated.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Lovely Sweet Laura  +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Love is a powerful thing and it sometimes makes us forget our better judgment. Love is not the only thing you need in a relationship, you need trust-jealousy is not trustworthy. You need support, encouragement, respect-we all need these things from ourselves and others. Unfortunately Love does not concur all. Not only that but his idea of love may be completely different than yours. We don't all see love the same way. Maybe he thinks acting out of jealously just proves he cares when in fact it just proves he is insecure. I would say to wait and trust your instinct. Don't rush into something just to turn around and wish you hadn't.
best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Miss Polly +, writes (3 December 2009):
 Love is one of the most important things in a relationship but I don't think it's the be all and end all.
Seems you're keen on getting back with him, so I'd go for it if that's really what you want, but don't make it too easy for him to go back to the way he was.
If I were you I'd discuss with him how you feel about his past behaviour and tell him that in order for you to stay together he has to make effort to change.
I think a certain degree of jealousy is normal when you love someone, but if it affects your partner it can threaten both your happiness'.
Just seems like a case of coming to somekind of compromise, maybe get back together on the understanding it's for a trial period to see how things go?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (3 December 2009):
Love is a big thing, and to say it isn't enough. You have to mean it, and you have to show it. All he showed you was that he was immature and not ready for a relationship. And the fact that he wants to just jump back in proves he still is immature about it all. You can't just jump back in and forget all that happened before. That takes time and he has to understand that. It just isn't worth doing unless he can see that was immature, and still is immature in the way he is trying to handle it. Tread carefully, and think about whether you want this to continue, or whether you'd be better off focusing on your own life and studying at the moment.
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