A
male
age
51-59,
*reyvanman
writes:My wife works in a small office - there used to be seven women in one room with the other room occupied by her, the boss and another woman. After recent redundancies there are three women left in one room with just the boss and my wife in the other. He is going through a divorce and occasionally emails legal documents to my wife after work and she edits them. In bad weather he leaves the office early to take her home. They occasionally exchange texts in the early evenings and before work, usually started by her to say thank you, then a reply by him saying she is welcome - for being a good friend to him and he can't wait to be back to his old self. My wife then texts him to say he will be ok again soon and not to worry. Her personal phone contract expires soon but he has brought her a company mobile phone even though her job is entirely office based. Since we married seven years ago my wife has always worn jeans but has just bought a sexy dress for the upcoming office xmas party. All of these facts on their own are innocent but taken together make me nervous. Am I just being jealous or is this a case of an emotional affair moving up a gear/a flattered middle aged bored wife being swept up in the moment/a boss taking advantage of his position?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2010):
 I am inclined to agree with Dorothy Dix. The situation you show us is rather confusing and obviously I don't know if your wife has the hots for her boss or not.
But from what you say, it sounds that something is bugging her , - and it has not necessarily got anything to do with
liking another man.
She seems generically unhappy or unfulfilled- about her life, about her marriage , about your level of communication or intimacy. I'm just guessing- but it's as if she was expecting something from her married life ( or, who knows, from her life in general ) and she did not get it, so now she is disappointed and restless.
It's like the boss is the "fun " part of her life, a mean to get attention, validation and entertainment. But from
what you say nothings shows that it's more than that.
Why don't you try to talk her from the heart, no suspicions or accusations or snide remarks ? Just as if you were a concerned best friend that only wants to help her being happier. Don't even bring up the boss, who very probably is not the issue. Try to have her tell you what's wrong, and what can you do to regain your closeness and intimacy. There might be many things left unsaid.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (16 December 2010):
Hi. Even though it's boring and uncomfortable to hear your wife talk about her boss, it's a whole lot better than her not saying anything - and being all sneaky instead, and going out constantly and coming home in the wee hours of the morning.
At least with this talk or ramblings of hers, it appears that she is hiding nothing from you. This is good.
There would be more to be concerned about if she was saying nothing about him at all, but going out all the time, dressing up and then coming home very late as well. As this isn't happening, it should put your mind at ease.
It seems that your wife is somehow lacking fun in her individual life, or at least is probably lacking balance.
This boss of hers, who is going through a divorce, just happens to be paying her some attention (even if it is just to cry on her shoulder), and she might be feeling a bit flattered by it. Perhaps it makes her feel more attractive because of this attention.
Other than seeing her boss at work, it doesn't seem like beyond the text messages to each other, that there is much else going on really.
Your wife does seem very mixed up right now. By what she said about your leaving her, etc. I really don't think your wife knows what she wants.
Obviously, she (like all of us), wants to be happy. But she doesn't know quite how to go about it. She is just grasping at straws at the moment, being friendly with the boss. It's kind of a novelty to her and not much more.
If it was much more, she would be actually going out regularly all dressed up, coming home very late (2, 3, 4am in the morning), there would be signs of something more than just some crush on the boss.
There would also be a lot of secrecy. Perhaps hiding her bank statements. All this seems like, is a crush on him in some way. Perhaps she is imagining stuff in her mind. It might just be providing some light entertainment for her at the moment, from what she might consider to be an otherwise boring life.
I'm not insulting you by saying this, I am talking only about what she thinks of her individual life.
It's highly likely that she knows being over friendly with someone outside of her marriage, is definitely NOT the answer. Even if she can't admit this to herself, she knows it at some level, for sure.
And I would say that it's these doubts about her movements and attitudes of late, that are causing her to be moody and snap at you - because of her inner conflict. I really do think there is a LOT of inner conflict going on in her mind, about all this.
She knows herself, that it's not right what she's doing. She probably feels awkward and a bit guilty about it also, even though she probably has done nothing wrong at this stage. Perhaps she has no intention of doing anything wrong or taking it further either, it's a bit of a dream to her and not very real.
Being a mother and a working mother as well, she might be like a lot of working mothers, who try to do it all. Being a supermum. Give, give, give - to everyone else, but not giving to herself. Giving to you, your children.
Cooking the meals, doing all the household tasks - washing, ironing, folding, vacuuming, dishwashing and drying - so much stuff. It never ends. And of course, depending on the age of your children, perhaps she is also the taxi service taking them both to different sports as well, during the weeks of school.
As a mother, there is so much sacrifice of her time towards others, that there is no time left for her at all. You can draw from the well for so long, but after a while if no water is put back into it - then the well runs dry. I think it's possible that her well is running dry. Nothing you have done, this is about her.
She needs to make some time for herself, and schedule it into her daily life. Perhaps some hobbies, creative pursuits, in fact whatever she enjoys doing. This is what creates balance. Whether it's reading an interesting novel, drawing, painting, handicrafts of any description.
When you work Monday to Friday, then come home only to do more work - household chores - it seems like your life is all work and no play. Work does need to balanced with leisure activities, and not just watching tv either.
I really think that what your wife lacks in her life more than anything else - is balance. She is not doing enough of the things that she enjoys and that are fun.
Typical clues to an imbalance in life are - moodiness, being short tempered, being restless, unable to settle to anything, depression, impatient, getting angry over seemingly nothing, over-reacting and just general unhappiness.
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A
male
reader, Greyvanman +, writes (14 December 2010):
Greyvanman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I hope everyone had a better weekend than poor old me?? On Friday afternoon my wife mentioned her boss as a conversation starter three times - he had agreed a settlement figure for his divorce, he got searched by a nightclub bouncer even though his friend owns the place (don't worry though he didn't have anything naughty) and he has given her an xmas bonus payment. All riveting stuff you might think for an evening at home? How was my day at work? Never crossed her mind to ask me. On Saturday she showed me a text message that she was laughing out loud at - you guessed it - it was from her boss and it was a childish racist joke that she would have maybe smiled politely at, had someone told her last year. Another text joke interupted our family lunch. By mid afternoon his name had been dropped into three more conversations so I decided to try the 'just going out' thing. When I came home being all sweet and cheerful, I asked if she fancied dropping the children at her sisters and going out for a meal. Her reply, out of the blue, cold as ice and in front of the children, was that "had we gone out together on our own more often before we had children and got married we might have got to know each other better and not got married" That was my cue to put the children to bed, make her a cup of tea and quietly ask her if she was ok. We ended up having the dreaded discussion I was sacred of, although I didn't mention her boss or an affair, I said I thought she was getting emotional support from someone else because she no longer seeks it from me. At this, she looked long and hard at me, said quietly that now I had pissed her off and embarrassed her then walked upstairs. I went up after a few minutes and she was dressed up and was putting on make up. I cheekily asked what time the baby sitter was coming since we were now going out - just to lighten the moment. My wife said "leave me alone or even better just leave me" then started crying. I sat on the bed beside her, put my arm around her shoulders and told her that all I've ever wanted was to make her happy. She shrugged my arm off, wiped her tears and walked towards the door and simply said "I'm going into town" so I replied "I hope you find Mr Right while you're out" this was the worst thing for me to say, I know! Well, she just screamed up the stairs "I don't want Mr Right tonight - I just want someone to F@%K me" slammed the door and got into her car. Luckily this woke up one of the children and I spent the next half an hour trying to get him back to sleep which kept me calm(ish) When I looked out of our bedroom window, she was still in the car and stayed out there for another hour. I went to bed, freaking out, trying to work out what had just happened, but at 9pm my wife calmly walked back into our room, slipped into bed, elbowed me once, hard, in the ribs and went to sleep. On Sunday morning it was as though I had just had a bad dream. We spoke about normal things in a businesslike manner and didn't mention what had happened, but she didn't mention her boss once either. What a horrible weekend - its officially the worst I.ve ever had but I expect theres more to come now!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (10 December 2010):
Hi. Yes, as tempting as it is to want to follow her or check her mobile phone, it can also be mentally tormenting for you as well.
After even a little while, it kind of consumes you and all of your thoughts, which is no good at all.
I really do think that you should try this a few times - going out for a while, so you're not there when she gets home.
Perhaps don't even wait for the Christmas party night, to actually go out.
Depending on who usually gets home from work first on a week night, you could easily work it so that when she usually comes home, that you are not there - and don't leave a note either.
If she calls on your mobile, cancel the call by pressing the "end call" button (the red one). Pressing the "end call" button automatically sends it straight to your messagebank. Do this again the second time. Then the third time let it ring a few times and let it go to your messagebank, so she can leave a message. More food for thought - for her.
A way you could do it, if you get home first, is to get all dressed up in something nice (like you are going out - smart casual), then be ready to leave the minute she gets home from work.
She gets inside the door and you say - "Hi! Look I have to go out."
She says - "Where to?"
You say - "I just have to go out, that's all." Don't give any details. Don't be angry either or sarcastic. Just calm and friendly.
Once she says (whatever) to that, say - "See you later, I won't be too late." Then, smile, kiss her goodbye and leave.
What then happens, is she knows you are getting a life of your own outside your marriage, which she will wonder about. Over a few days, she will start to wonder who or what your new life is, and where it will end up.
What you are doing is -
(1) Not being angry at her.
(2) Not sitting around worrying yourself sick about her movements.
(3) Taking affirmative action.
(4) Proving you WILL NOT take crap from her.
(5) A bit of unpredictability.
In any case, it is all done in a positive way. Heaps better than questioning her endlessly, feeling sick, having doubts.
After you leave and drive off in your car, just drive around for a couple of hours - anywhere at all. Drive at least to about a 45 minute distance from home at the furthest point. Make sure you have enough petrol. Wear a watch, or just check the clock in your car and when it gets close to the 2 hours mark, start heading home.
When you arrive home, just say - "Hi. How has your night been?"
When she asks you the same thing, just say - "I had a great night, thanks." Again, say no more than this. Then she knows it's not open for discussion. If she persists a little bit, say - "just out, that's all." Then the discussion is finished.
Do this (going out), whenever you feel the need. Maybe once a week.
Make sure you definitely go out anywhere, when the Christmas party is on, or at least before she gets home, so you're not there when she gets home. Even if you are just around the corner.
You could then drive past your street or drive in a nearby street, to see if her car is there (without her seeing you of course).
Then you could arrive home 30 minutes later. Then you just pretend you've been out all night. Say you had a fantastic night, and still be dressed up. Pretty sneaky eh? Horses for courses.
By going out like this sometimes, what it shows her, is that you refuse to be taken for granted. As long as you treat her well and with respect and love the rest of the time and even when you are going to go out, she will otherwise see no change in you or the relationship. So consequently, there is not a lot of cause for her to worry. But it won't stop her thinking, just the same.
I'm a creative person, and I did this a few times earlier this year, when my husband used to get home on a Saturday night sometimes very late. Saturday night he goes to a mate of his and I go to my mother's place to visit (she is on her own now). So it's a night we wouldn't be together anyway.
But I can tell you from first hand experience, that it absolutely does work. My husband was gob-smacked on quite few occasions when he just wasn't expecting it. And I can tell you that he very quickly started getting home before midnight, and has ever since.
So when I have been suggesting this to you, I was speaking from personal experience, not just an idea. It really does work. And it has a far greater impact than all the talking in the world. You really do need to try it.
Only positive things came out of my experience. Nothing negative whatsoever.
I'm quite sure it will be that way for you also.
Best wishes and take care.
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A
male
reader, Greyvanman +, writes (9 December 2010):
Greyvanman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for some positive advice on a way to tackle the problem at its root. Everything else, while good advice, has been about me changing my behaviour. I am going to try much harder at being nice and trusting and caring and supportive in an attempt to win my wife back but... I'm also going to try and split up the all too happy relationship they are in! Being a little bit devious is in my nature but this episode has knocked any kind of positive thinking process aside , leaving me capable of only feeling sorry for myself. I had been considering spying on her (ok, I checked her mobile phone a few times when she started being possessive with it but everyone does that) then the thought of her seeing me in my car near her work or finding spy software on her laptop made me cringe. I am also afraid that spying on my wife to confirm my suspicions about her emotional affair would lead to me finding out she is actually sleeping with her boss. I'm struggling with what she is doing because most people agree its wrong but can probably be dealt with it using the help of all the advice given to me over the last few days. Finding concrete evidence of their love affair or, heaven forbid, catching them in bed is a whole new ball game so I'll leave that for now! Just putting my thoughts down in words has been an immense help in clearing my mind about this because its not the thing to ask your mates or family about really, is it? Thanks again and maybe when the doubt, suspicion, pain, fear and guilt has cleared and my usual friendly, loving, logical thoughts return to my brain, I will give some advice back to this forum...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 December 2010):
Hi. This is a tricky situation, for sure.
If you are game to do this - and I really think that you should - perhaps you could simply be out when she comes home from work - say once a week, not every night of course. Organise a baby sitter (if your children are minors). Don't tell the children where you are going - they always spill the beans, so don't go there. Tell the kids that "you have to go somewhere" - and nothing more.
On the day she goes to this work Christmas party, give her a call at work say about 1 hour before her usual finishing time.
Just act nice, friendly and respectful. Don't be anxious, upset or angry - just stay calm.
Say to her - "Hi! Just rang to say enjoy your Christmas party tonight. Oh, and if you get home before me, don't wait up. Ok? Have to go - bye. And don't worry, the kids are being minded (by whoever)." You'll know what to do, I'm sure.
Don't give any further details - none whatsoever. Don't wait for a response either.
If she does ask - "Where to?" - say - "Just out." Then put the phone down - gently.
At this point, the shoe is on the other foot.
Mmmmmm..........this will make her think a bit, as she definitely will not be expecting this type of response from you. It might even spoil her evening. She will undoubtedly be thinking about it all night anyway.
Perhaps you also, could start hiding your mobile (locking it in the glove box). On another occasion, you could also pretend to be on a landline, then say - "Oh, have to go" (to the imaginary caller) - perfectly timed with when your wife sees you talking (so it looks like you are being secretive) - then gently hang up the phone. And make sure you look sneaky (like you're hiding something).
If your wife then asks you - "who was that?" - simply say - "No-one." Say no more. The idea is to make her wonder.
She has you wondering, so why not do the same to her? She won't like it. She might then have some concept of how she is making you feel. At the moment, she mightn't have a clue of how your are feeling. This might just be her wakeup call. It sounds like she needs it.
If she thinks that she might lose you over all this, then she truly has something to worry about. It might make her think twice about her actions from now on.
It does seem like she is taking her marriage and family life somewhat for granted.
You really do need to give her something to think about. I believe this might do it.
I don't mean anything of this to be done in a nasty or spiteful way, but always good naturedly and always treat her with respect and kindness. Don't be sarcastic or become argumentative. She just needs to get the message clear in her head, that you won't take any type of crap from her - now or ever. But it's done peacefully.
It's much more effective than just waiting around at home and worrying about it all the time, thinking all sorts of things - which I realize wouldn't be easy. However, actions always speak much louder than words ever could, which is exactly why I am suggesting taking this tack in the first place.
I feel sure it will have a positive effect.
For her, it will somehow be like looking in the mirror - at her own behaviour - and seeing the reality of what she is doing. When something like this is reflected back at you, it is often like a sudden dawning of enlightenment, that previously wasn't there. An eye opener at the very least.
Good luck. Let me know how you go with it. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Take her out somewhere in the sexy dress before the party and then have a romantic time back at home :-) If you suspect she might be tempted stray, give her some temptation to stay! Us women need to feel appreciated!
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A
male
reader, Greyvanman +, writes (8 December 2010):
Greyvanman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMore good sensible advice but how far should I up my game in an attempt to win her back without it looking like I'm acting weird? I really want to sort this out without having to have a 'discussion' because despite being at the top of my game at work and as a dad, I am no good at this husband/wife kind of thing. Can't she see that what she is doing is inappropriate or that what he is doing will lead her into bad places - or does she just not care about me anymore? Maybe the attraction has been between them for much longer - based on my perceived evidence and his divorce has allowed them to get closer emotionally. All I can sense is that they have become much closer than they should and that the xmas party will be the final hurdle to cross on the way to my wife and her boss having a love affair. This is making me feel stupid and worthless now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): You are tormenting yourself with imaginings. That's when normally innocent actions take on suspicious forms. You know your marriage, you know your wife - you will need to believe her or risk seeming paranoid to her. Either way it may not settle things in your head. Try and keep a sense of perspective if you can.
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A
male
reader, Greyvanman +, writes (8 December 2010):
Greyvanman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for those answers - be as nice to my wife as when we first met, trust her but keep an eye on things is what the intelligent part of my brain is telling me to do! However, I am a man and that intelligent part is buried in the back somewhere... I didn't want to ramble on too much yesterday but after reading some of your lists of behavioural things to watch for, I'm now realising there is more of a problem than I first thought. The make up for work and smart clothes started earlier this year. She often gets her brother to collect our children from school and either works until the office closes or goes to the gym but the extra hours at work are not shown on her payslip. Her phone which always used to sit on the kitchen worktop is now carried everywhere - including the toilet. The phone her boss bought for her is for one reason only as far as I'm concerned - there can be no legitimate professional reason for my wife to need it. The office xmas parties at her work over the last few years have gone on until 3am which is well past 10pm! Her bosses marriage breakdown and divorce has been part of our daily conversation for the last twelve months and my wife always takes his side when relating his tales of how badly she treated him. You're right, I need to stop obsessing about this as its already affecting my work and its eating me up inside - this is the onset of depression isn't it? I've tried to skirt around the issue of how I perceive she behaves with her boss by asking if there are any general problems. She always says everything is fine between us and that any minor friction is due to both of us working too hard and having a busy young family. When she talks sense into me like this, it makes me feel like I'm adding up all of those single innocent acts and coming up with a horrible conclusion. I really wish her boss would act more professionally but its his own company and he has human needs too, so can do what he likes, I suppose. I just can't see a way out of this which is whats hurts a logical, problem solving, confident man like me the most.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Nothing is ever certain but it sounds to me as if your wife is being a friend to her colleague, he has had a few personal problems and she has been supportive. Also there's nothing wrong with getting a party dress for a party. However, if you have a good relationship with your wife, protect it. Make sure she knows you love and value her. Christmas is a time when you can make sure you treat her, even if only in small symbolic ways. Take her out for a meal, in short up your game. If this is out of character for you, she may well say, what's up, but say you love her in our busy lives sometimes these things go unsaid. It's quite nice sometimes to know, in a settled relationship that the spark is still there.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 December 2010):
Hi there. Leaning on someone, like the boss is leaning on your wife for moral support, can sometimes lead to something more than just friendship.
Your wife needs to be wary that it doesn't move in that direction anytime soon.
The text messages seem fairly harmless, as long as it stays on the friendly level and nothing more.
If you have a good relationship with your wife now, and trust her, that's good. Keep trusting her unless she gives you reason not to.
Also, try not to get stressed about it by asking her lots of questions about her movements. It could make her angry, because she feels you don't trust her.
The only things to be mindful of are -
(1) If she starts coming home late from work on a regular basis.
(2) If she starts going out after work and rings you to say she is going out.
(3) If she starts doing things that seem out of character for her.
(4) If she starts hiding her mobile phone or leaving it locked up in the car.
(5) If she is talking on her mobile phone, or the landline and talks more softly or shuts the door.
(6) Generally becomes a bit secretive about her life and gets upset or angry if you ask her a simple question.
(7) If she starts dressing up a bit more to go to work than usual, and wears more makeup. Like she was doing it to impress someone.
(8) If she becomes moody and becoming short fused, for what seems like no reason at all.
There's so many signs to look out for, and you would almost certainly know what just didn't seem right to you. You'd just know it instinctively.
I realize you feel a bit concerned about the sexy dress she bought for the office Christmas party, but just be aware of how she acts when she gets home at the end of that day, to see if she acts any differently from normal. If anything happens at the party (or after it), I feel sure there will be some way you will know this.
On the day of the party when she leaves for work that morning, just say - "Enjoy your day, and enjoy the party after. See you tonight." Just keep it light and friendly, don't ask her any questions. Just stay calm and speak to her as if you have no doubts in your head whatsoever.
It's important that you try not to think about it too much, because sometimes worrying about something like this, can actually become more of a problem than the original concern you had.
Over time if you keep on thinking about it constantly, it can start to take on a life of it's own. It can become all consuming, to the point at which you can't think about anything else. Then it starts to affect your work, and every other part of your life as well.
Ultimately, it affects how you relate with your wife, because of the constant tension you feel. Then if it keeps up, it can cause you to have some self doubt, and to question everything you say and do. Believe me, it's not a happy place to be.
It's really important now, that you focus instead, on all the good things about your relationship with your wife.
(1) How well you get along with each other.
(2) How well do you communicate with each other.
(3) When you talk, do you really listen to each other?
(4) Do you go out together to nice places sometimes?
(5) Do you do fun things together?
(6) Do you ever cook for her?
(7) Do you ever tell her how much she means to you?
The point I am trying to make here, is that the focus needs to be taken off what's happening, and onto keeping your relationship healthy and happy. As difficult as this might seem at the moment, it's important that you do this.
This situation between your wife and her boss, might not come to anything anyway. But you just need to be aware from now on, of any changes in her - if there are any.
If you do see some different behaviours developing in her, if they are really concerning, then you will need to have a chat to her about it.
To not say anything then, would be like condoning it. That's not how you would be feeling.
You could then ask her (something like) - "You seem a bit tense lately, is everything alright?"
- "Are you having any problems at work?"
- "Do you feel that your job is at risk now?"
And just see what she says. She might say everything's ok, or she might lie. But you will know what's the truth, by using the check list I wrote earlier in this message, about things to look out for. Everything will just fit.
DON'T say - "Are you and the boss having an affair? Even if it's on the tip of your tongue, try to refrain from saying it, if you can. All that would do would be to start an argument.
But basically, you will just have to gauge how your wife acts in a general sense, from now on. If nothing changes, and things seem like they always were, well then it's fair to say that nothing is going on. Put your mind at ease.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, sq  +, writes (8 December 2010):
Having been through a divorce myself, I respect anyone in your position. Only because I also work around men, there's nothing wrong with them offering to start my car if it's cold or being asked to do a little side editing. The only cause for concern may be (perhaps) the mobile cell phone contract, which is certainly not expected if it is not in her job description. I would not pay any mind to the holiday party dress however--usually women only get a few times during the year to dress up, so that shouldn't bother you. I wouldn't dismiss it entirely, but I would suggest talking to her about having a private party for the two of you once the holiday party is over--things are good if she's home before 10! best of luck
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