A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear who ever is reading this.I feel a sense of wrong. I've been friends with a guy for about 2 years. Our friendship was always quite flirty but I have quite a few quite a few male friends that are married or have girl friends and I've always respected their relationships. He had a baby 7 months ago and I sent him and his a wife a congratulatory present and card. I've often asked to meet his wife, as there's no better way to destroy a flirtation that can lead to 'potential trouble' then if you're friends with their other half. This never happened as apparently she is often unfriendly to his female friends. I'm such a well meaning person with an appreciation of love and life. I always live by the code 'all is well as long as you don't hurt other people'. Perhaps that is an unrealistic ethos but I try. At the moment I'm really busy doing a postgraduate qualification to become a primary school teacher. I guess this is one of the reasons why I'm single. In so many ways I'm happy and appreciative of everything I have and feel fulfilled, but at the same time if I'm honest I also feel at times a deep sense of loneliness and lack of sexual fulfillment. I guess like many people! In the past I have channeled this 'sad energy' in a positive way to drive me to achieve my goals. My male, married friend asked to come round to mine for dinner on a few occasions over the last 3 months. I invited my flat-mate to join us and felt that nothing would happen, as I'd been out with him many times before and nothing had happened. The stupid thing was that I had this feeling 2 weeks before he came over that it would be challenging. I somehow felt attracted to him in ways that I shouldn't but was in denial. In hind sight Knowing someone that appreciates you and desires you, whilst you mean well and feel sexually frustrated is perhaps a recipe for disaster! I guess I under estimated my own strength.Needless to say he came round for dinner and we ended up sleeping together. It felt good but I did end up shedding some tears in the morning and saying to him that I felt I had hurt his wife and his baby. Apparently he isn't sexually fulfilled by his wife and over the years he has cheated on her many times, which I think she knows about. Yes what an arse but I try not to be judgmental as none of us are perfect and we all have own karma. He told me he hasn't had sex for a year and everything he has told is me is true. So what? Despite disrespecting his actions with his wife. I like him. He has been a supportive friend to me. I now feel attracted to him in ways that I shouldn't. I don't want to have a long term relationship with him. I want him to have a happy relationship with a wife. In so many ways I feel like such a piece of work! There was me saying "I'd never get involved with him or anyone else that was married, as I respect the institution of marriage and being loving and kind" and then the next minute I find myself being selfish and wanting to live out my sexual fantasies. We've had some friendly text and email banter since Saturday but nothing flirty. Logically I feel guilty and don't ever want to go there again, but the other side of me just wants to grab a moment in the future with him and be passionate.Oh dear what a sad misplaced individual I am! One part of me wants to be like a Buddhist nun, the other a sexually fulfilled happily married wife and mum, the other wants to rip off clothes in a heightened sexual naughty clinch, the other is happy with her lot. Clearly I have a bit of a problem. Clearly I should find a man that is single and up for all of that but my Buddhist mantras haven't yet delivered that! What to do? I'm a bit scared of seeing him again at a friend's gathering as I think my sexual urges might get the better of me. Any positive advice please?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! So far so good. I've managed to forgive myself.
I have also told MM I can't see him for a good while, as we need space between us as I don't want there to be any temptation between us. I said regardless of how his relationship is with his wife it's not an 'ideal situation' so moving forward it can't happen again. He wasn't very pleased about this but so be it! If we are real friends then in time we'll get over this and all will be well. If not then it was never real friendship in the first place so I guess there's nothing to really miss!
In the meantime since the night I slept with him, the following weekend I got together with another blast from the past, who is SINGLE! We had lots of fun. It felt good for my soul to know that our actions were just to be enjoyed without worrying about hurting anyone else! Yeaaaa! Transition back into positive spiral. Sending gratitude, love and light to all!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2010): Hi Dear,I really am so sorry you got yourself into something like this. I had to write and warn you. RUN! as fast as you can. I have been where you are now, and I didn't stop. Every day it gets harder. You will lose so much. You will hurt so much that at some point you will begin to not even feel guilty anymore. The pain will be overwhelming. the worst part is that you will not be the person you were anymore, and you will be disgusted with who you are. I really really feel for you. I don't want anybody in this kind of situation because I know how distructive it is. I've experienced it. As for your case, I think there is hope. At least you don't love him, yet. My suggestion is, if it is possible, for you just go out with some other person, anyone, even if you don't like them. If you have a good close sensible friend, tell her/him. Its embarrassing but you need help, you need to be rescued. Ask for help, do your best to OBEY good advice. If at all possible move to another city. Honestly, nothing is too drastic. You are in a dangerous situation. Save yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your messages. Some positive advice in there for moving forward.
I'm still trying to deal with the guilt. I know I shouldn't hate myself for what I did and should only know that my actions were really bad and to learn from my mistakes and not to do it again. I feel a lot more grounded and am going to keep a wide birth from him and any other players!
Any advice on how to deal with guilt?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): Really you have answered your own questions. You want someone of your own.
You can do nothing to make his marriage happy, because he is a cheat, but you can avoid him.
Find someone who is a free agent and don't let your loneliness drive you any further into something destructive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): You crossed a symbolic line when you slept with him. What was all a bit of flirtation and attraction has now become very much real. I wouldn't believe what he says about his relationship with his wife - it is what married men have said to women they want to sleep with since the beginning of time. You could end up a mistress or a sort of friend with benefits, which will do you no good as you may end up feeling used and shabby. You would be having snatched moments with him while he is living a settled life with his family. Of course there is an illicit thrill to this situation for both of you, but the sane thing to do here is draw a line. You may open a 'can of worms' that will inevitably lead to heartache. Stop now while you can still think straight. You can do without all the angonies that would lie ahead and as you have future plans for your career it would be sad if you complicated your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): You write like a logical person, knowing right from wrong but perhaps using logic to justify your cheating matter what logic u use, cheating is cheating.
Your lover has confided in you that he has ha affairs before, so this is nothing new to him. You have turned out to be yet another sucker for him. When u asked/invited him to dinner u knew in your heart of hearts that u wanted to have sex with this MM. So u actually planned it and well u got the outcome u wanted. No use crying like a drama queen after the fact when u knew what u were doing and Will continue to do.
You say u are studying to become a teacher. Somehow teachers are supposed to have some sort of moral compass and u just threw it away.people can study and have A successful relationship at the same time. I know I did.
Why did u continuously allow a MM into your hm for supper. His place was at home helping his wife with their newborn. My dear, u are not as innocent as you claim.
Yes u need sex and u want it but does it have to be a married man with a newborn. Yes right now u are going through the b*itch on heat phase bec of the illicit but Where is the guilt/remorse and even empathy for his wife. This MMs character is so flawed and it seems like u have thrown morals out of the window. By listening to his bull.
If you Choose to continue your affair that is your choice but realise this: no amount of justification/excuses make what u did/are doing right. No one is forcing u to become a homewrecker, u are making choices and with choices come consequences.
Your story is an eye opener to all married women/people in committed relationships. Becareful of so called friends/best friends of the opposite sex, there is almost no such thing as a platonic relationship. Sooner or later the Fing will start all in the name of friendship and u women will be facing home wreckers in the guise of friends. Sad but so true.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2010): There are 6,886,383,172 in the world; there's someone out there for you who is not married with an infant.
And for the record, he's giving you the line most married men use to justify cheating. He has a 7 month old baby; might that have something to do with the lack of sex in his marriage? Whatever is wrong with his sex life at home is 50% his fault. It's not your place to insinuate yourself into their marriage just because you decided to focus on career rather than a relationship and now you're lonely. Go get your needs met elsewhere, otherwise you're going to find yourself falling for this man and getting jerked around.
You're old enough to practice some self-control.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (8 December 2010):
 find another man if you want to have sex with someone. the more you mess around with this situation the more danger of strong feelings coming into play and that will be bad news for everyone. if he is not happy in his marriage thats his problem - not yours so dont be dragged into it. sounds a bit like the 'my wife doesnt understand me' routine!. this scenario can play out in a number of ways which i am sure you have given thought to already. one of them is the following... wife finds out, throws him out, he lands on your doorstep expecting you to take him on so feeling responsible you do what you think is the right thing by him and give him a relationship. thing is though, you know what this dirtbag is capable of coz youve seen what he does. are you gonna feel like you can trust him everytime he says hes working late, going out etc or you gonna think he's in someone else's bed, whining that YOU don't sexually fulfill him anymore. depends what you want out of life hun but you seem to be a nice lady and there is a lot of men in the world that are a better bet than this one for you xx
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Try not to see him again until you deal with this. You are noble to want to respect marriage, remind yourself that you do not want to be involved in any way with a man who would so willingly cheat on his wife and risk ruining his own family just for a few minutes of ecstatic pleasure, instead of simply working things out within his marriage. You are so much better than that, so rise above it and keep those fantasies and JUST fantasies.
Stop thinking about him and sex and just distract yourself. This is merely a desire that shall be short-lived if you would but persevere through it until it is gone.
I hope that helps.
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