A
female
age
36-40,
*ppelle
writes:Why does my husband lie to me so much? Sometimes it is about important things, in which case he usually tells the truth after words. Sometimes, though, I lies about other general less important things. IE: Once he made the comment that, “Oh, well everyone likes girls in bikinis”. I do not have a problem with this because it is mostly true, but at a later date I made reference to this and he said it was not true. He said he did not like girls in bikinis and that he changed his mind. This same scenario has happened so many times about so many different women and other things of personal interest. Sometimes he even denies saying anything. I think he thinks I will get mad or that he needs to agree with me but then why does he say it the first place, only to feel the need to lie later? Should I ignore this or is it cause for alarm? Regards. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Appelle +, writes (18 March 2010):
Appelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLonelyTwo’s comment seemed to imply “tit for tat” and that I was making the age difference an issue. If that was not the meaning I am really sorry.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 March 2010):
 I Don't think anyone implied a Quid pro Quo (trading favors) relationship. As a matter of fact I'm really at a bit of a loss about h ow to define your relationship. You seem to be happy in most aspects. More of a communication difficulty. Most couples have them.
FA
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A
female
reader, Appelle +, writes (17 March 2010):
Appelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope that you are not implying that I am in some kind of quid pro quo relationship because that is most certainly not the case.
Thank you all for your comments. They have shed some light on this situation.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 March 2010):
Appelle,
You are right I was assuming he was around your age. After going through a divorce or breakup many people are insecure and anxious to please the new partner. Even if they hide those feelings. I understand why you are worried, he isn't 100 percent open with you.
What really bothers me is that you say that "He is not controlling, however, I would never dare to be jealous or show any displeasure." It is generally accepted that you have a right to have emotions, and to express them. If you have chosen to give up those rights without him asking, then that is yourself being submissive. There is a problem with that. He can't tell when he is pleasing you, or what you like, because he doesn't get any feedback. He is wildly searching for a way to make you happy. You will probably have to help him find it, or them. If you can't give him negative feedback then at least be generous with positive feedback whenever he gets it right. By marrying you he has accepted you as an equal regardless of age difference. Equal marriages are longer lasting.
FA
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A
female
reader, Appelle +, writes (16 March 2010):
Appelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all of your comments. A lot of them make sense but not in my situation. My husband is much older then I am and makes most of the decisions. He is not controlling, however, I would never dare to be jealous or show any displeasure. Plus, he does this other things. When we were first married he never drank tea and I did, now he does too. At first he told me that he did not like my hair because it had waves but now he says he loves it. I do not know if he is lying to make me happy, but if he is, the lack of sincerity over powers his thoughtfulness.
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A
female
reader, kayla20  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 he sounds to me like a compulsive liar so when he lies he actually believes the lies he is telling and also when he doesnt remember saying something he denies it because he actually believes he hasnt said it.he seems like a fantasist to me i dont think you need to worry really until it gets the point where you cant trust a word he says
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): If youve noticed he lies about things then it is cause for alarm. He sounds as if he lies in the first instance to get out of trouble, then when the heats off, he will tell the truth. I know on the face of it, its just a minor irritation but it can lead to bigger problems. Just be very open with him and explain that his lies make you feel you cant trust him. Say you would appreciate him being honest all the time not just when it suits him. And be prepared to bite your tongue sometimes if he is honest and you dont always like his remarks.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 March 2010):
The lying is a dangerous habit. It seems that he is doing it to stay out of trouble. As you can see this isn't working, in fact it is causing a level of distrust. Part of the reason he does this is probably your reactions to his comments. Do you find that you are snappish to him, or very critical of his opinions? Those attitudes will not lead to a happy marriage. Let me re write your conversation about the bikini as it may have happened in his mind.
Him: oooo look at that pretty woman in a bikini.
you: Why are you looking at that woman. (this has made you jealous)
him: But everyone looks at women in bikini's. I'm just doing what I've always done. Why is it wrong now?
You: (hurt silence) ( you thought he was better than that)
Him: Oops I hurt her feelings. I need to patch this up.
Him: I don't really like to look at girls in bikinis, I much prefer you just as you are. Meaning (I value you enough to try and change my old habits to make you happy. I'm sorry and I will do better in the future) He is just to proud or immature to say that right out.
About the whole bikini thing. Last night I was out shopping with mt 12 y. o. son. We wound up in line behind a tall college girl wearing very short shorts. As a result we spent a lot of time looking at the watch display. I was quite embarrassed by the whole thing. Now she had the right to display herself that way, but how would I have looked if I had appreciated the view? The topic deserves more discussion.
FA
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 March 2010):
 I don't think you should just sweep it under the carpet, the foundation for a great relationship HAS to built on trust. Without trust, you have nothing. You say he tells you the truth after, but the point is WHY is he lying in the first place? And if he lies about little things, why wouldn't he lie about really big things? I'd say you have every right to be concerned. Try to talk to him lovingly and say something like "honey..sometimes you don't tell me the truth, and I don't understand why. Are you afraid I'll get mad at you or do you forget what you've said or what?" But I really think you'd better get to the bottom of this. It doesn't bode well for the future. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 March 2010):
 Since you are just talking about this one: everyone likes girls in bikinis, I would try to tell you what happened here. We all like to judge people in general, but to say we are doing the same things that people in general do, insults our intelligence. We all want to believe we are better than the rest, better than the average. Maybe he's saying, yes everyone likes to look at girls in a sexual way, but no, I don't like at you (meaning you) only in a sexual way.
If you didn't care much you wouldn't have brought it up. I don't think it's cause for alarm.
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