A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Here it goes again:(. My mother just had a conversation with me that I have too many rules when it comes to guys, and that's why I don't have anyone in my life. Some of my friends agree,I am looking for some opinions here. Though I do have "rules" , I don't think it's something extraordinary. I am just protecting my emotional well being. And frankly, I am not attracted to a guy who acts a certain way. For example, I don't answer texts that say,hi, without mentioning my name. How do I know how many girls he texted at the same time. If a guy picks up the only form of communication through texting, it's not for me. If you can't find time to pick up a phone and actually talk to me, what to expect next? I can't tolerate the dating period, when guys think they can date several girls at the same time. I never do that, and I expect a guy to do the same. Dating often involves kissing and sex, even on a first stages, and I don't want to date a guy who kisses me and then tomorrow kisses another girl. The other thing that i have zero tolerance with are broken dates. I don't really care if it's a personality trate like forgetfulness, or premeditated , but twice for me is enough. Of course there is always an explanation from a guy: I got caught up at work, I need to be here and there, I don't buy it. In.In a Beginning it almost never happens, it always starts happening after couple of months. And why? Because I stop being priority. Anger thing that for me is huge turn of is when I see that a guy is extremely carefull with his money. I just cant be with someone who is ridiculously watching every penny. I don't know , may be I am being unreasonable , I just don't think that I am too much unforgiving.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 November 2013):
 You asked for opinions about if your rules were unreasonable. Everyone stated their honest opinions.
It seems what you're really seeking is validation. If you feel you're validated, the who cares what anyone else says? Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): Well, as a man, I will give you my up-most attention, and I will tell you the truth. It may be blunt, but you asked.
You are what most men like to refer as high maintenance. NOBODY wants a high maintenance woman. Are you serious about some of this? If you came forward to me with these "demands", I would have another girlfriend by tomorrow. Guaranteed.
If you want things to work, the first thing you have to learn is that there is a LOT, and I mean a very LOT of give and take. If he texts you just "Hi", I would be happy that he acknowledged my existence. As far as the whole first dating stages, he won't make you a priority until he knows that he is priority.
Honestly, I would find these "rules" ridiculous. I think you should sit down and reconsider a lot of things. Else wise, I think you'll end up unhappy, and bitter.
Like I said, I am not here to criticize you, or make you feel bad, but I won't give you anything less that the truth.
I hope that you find what you're looking for. Best of luck, and I wish you the best!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 November 2013):
 If there's one thing that's absolutely certain beyond anything, that's you can't make rules for other people, including guys you date. In fact, you are disqualified from making rules about other people in general.
You can only make rules about YOURSELF, not others. You can say that you don't have sex until you are exclusive in a relationship. You can say that you will never let a guy down by excessive canceling of dates. You can say that you have a rule about being warm and kind-hearted towards a guy.
Because if there's one thing I know about having large lists or rules about how a guy can and can't do with you, you'll never find anyone who fits it, nor should you. Guys aren't merchandise. You don't order one from Ebay and then complain about the scuffs. You take a guy as-is, warts and all. When you fall in love, all that nonsense about using your name in a text or phone versus text ratio or some three strikes cancellation policy will have you embarrassed and ashamed you ever thought that stuff up in the first place. But it'll make for a funny story at your 5-year anniversary.
Do you get it? You *can't* make rules. If you think you can, you might as well date a mirror, because you can't control others. Just yourself. There are compatibility issues, but you need to be flexible. I'm actually with you when it comes to people not using their AC in 90-degree temps or having their home at 59 in winter, but I know women who actually look FOR those traits in a guy. I also personally find it CREEPY stalker-ish if a guy uses my name too much in texts. Trust me, your name is on his phone if he's calling you.
It's baggage for you to think that all guys date 10 different women and all of them are players who kiss people on a whim. Someone taught you that crap, and while there are guys who are players, there are many more who aren't.
Your rules also miss the mark. You need to BE the person you're looking for. A guy with a sense of humor, who's kind-hearted, has integrity, who listens and is going somewhere in life - THAT'S so much more important than whether or not he uses your name in a text. In fact, your rules are SELF-serving, which has you at way too much of a loss. You want a guy who will make you a better person by being with him, and vice versa.
When I was younger, I had a few ridiculous things on my "list" as well. I wanted a guy who had a passion for music and wouldn't dream of listening to talk radio and didn't care about politics, and I wanted a guy who was very tall with blue eyes. I also wanted a guy with a deep voice who was a really good singer too.
My husband is only a couple of inches taller than me, has green eyes, listens to talk radio and is really political (added bonus for having opposing beliefs as me), and has green eyes and could shatter glass objects with his tone deaf voice. It was actually his whacked out singing that made me fall in love with him because he loved his life.
Ditch the lists...they are the opiate of the immature. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): This is OP again. I wish you guys stayed ona topic, and didn't go into explaining to me what my personality seems to you. That's not what I was asking. I was only asking about my "rules".
When I said about a guy being ridiculously cheap, what I ment is not for him spending money on me, it's him spending money on him. Though you right it's not any of my business, but it deffinitely my right to have that choice and not to like this quality. And I was not talking about poor guys, I had in mind guys who are comfortable with their finances but economize everywhere they can and can't, like a sample with AC.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (28 November 2013):
expecting someone to be head over heels with you right off the bat is unreasonable and unrealistic. it's also a bit self-centered and narcissistic, to be completely honest.
i understand wanting the guy you're with to make you feel like you're the only woman in the world. makes perfect sense. but it also takes a while to get to that point. i'm gay and date women, myself. and if i just met a girl and they expected me to spend money on them constantly and make them the center of my universe right away, i would haul ass. i couldn't deal with all that. the beginning of seeing each other is supposed to be fun and casual. and by casual i don't mean sleeping with and dating multiple other women. i just mean taking time to get to know each other and taking it easy. going light on the contact and seeing each other once a week or two.
being head over heels for someone doesn't just happen immediately and overnight. it's smothering and demanding to expect someone to give that much of themselves so soon. it takes time to get to know someone and fall head over heels. that's not something that just happens quickly. it takes months and years to develop a relationship like the kind you're looking for. that's why people move slow in relationships. they are feeling each other out and seeing if that person is even compatible with them before committing so much of themselves to someone else.
dating is like a trial run. you give a little bit of yourself emotionally and then wait and see if you're right for each other. you don't dive in head first and put it all out there for someone you don't know.
for someone who plays it so safe, you'd think you'd be understanding about other people playing it safe, too.
take it easy. casually date and see if these men are right for you first. don't expect so much so soon.
fyi, you do come across as caring guy said.
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 I think the whole txting thing is a bit silly !! When i even text my friends i dont say there name !! I know who im having a conversation with because the name is on top of the conversation!! Ans even if he did just say your name in a text it doesnt mean he wont txt sombody else !! Its a little to formal and intimidating !!
I think you have the idea right but not the prioritys !!
Like you say i wont date a guy if he is stingy with money or i wont date a guy because he stood me up or something silly !! Life happens people DO get caught up in work and people have other things to do then date sometimes its not a major priority to people there not trying to offend you even though i do understand your anger ... If you make plans stick to them !!
I think you need to stop thinking whay aspects your want from a man your dating compared to what you will want from a man in a relationship ! What are your needs prioritys !! People would understand you saying that you let a certain elagable bachelor go because he didnt have kids or a job whatever !
Plus you shouldnt judge people on first impressions ! Dating sombody is all about getting to know them as a person its not a formal interview you should relax talk about your great memories your goals in life friends and family try to open up a bit more ! The more open you are the more open he will be with you !!
Now the horrible thing about dating is that some people date others but thats not really a bad thing i mean theres no point in putting all your eggs in one basket every three weeks !! If u multitask your goijg to get through all those frogs a lot quicker !!
I think you need to revaluate your way of looking at dating !!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 November 2013):
I think they are a bit rigid, myself. It's one thing to know what you like and how you expect to be treated. It's another to not have any flexibility or tolerance to anything outside of those rules.
To start, you say you don't respond to anyone who doesn't use your name. I don't know anyone who uses direct names in texting. I doubt the guy is sending out a mass text to every girl in his phone saying "hi." I have never texted someone starting with their name to ensure them that I know exactly who I am addressing. I usually just hope the person on the receiving end gives my intelligence enough credit that they assume I know who the recipient is. Besides, even if he was texting ten other women, he could still type up ten different names in individual texts, couldn't he?
I do understand that broken dates are frustrating. But as was pointed out - sometimes they are unavoidable. Do you hold a mental tally in your head, and once the guy cancels two dates, even if a month apart, you'll still dump him? Try to give people some leeway. Life happens sometimes. I've been cancelled on plenty of times and they were by people who turned out to be long-term partners. I try to be as understanding as possible and in turn, I find that people treat me better for it. If they cancel, it doesn't mean they aren't making you a priority. Just means they can't make it. No harm no foul. Once it starts to become over and over and a constant thing, then I could see that. And then would be a time to communicate it.
Last, I'm very tight with my money. However, I'm NEVER stingy with my partner. I'll save up for bills and not eat for a week if ever necessary, but I will drop any amount of money on the person I love if need be. Being tight with money doesn't equal out to stinginess.
I think you should try to relax a bit. Dating is supposed to be fun. Getting to know someone you like is exciting and feels good! And it just seems like rather than enjoying it, you're sitting in wait for someone to mess up so you can discard them. No one likes to feel like they are walking on egg shells. Just be yourself, take a breather, and relax. Get to know people and have fun! Dating isn't a bad thing. enjoy it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): Both CaringGuy and Chigirl are right.
Firstly OP it's your life, you make the rules. If you want to be picky that's fine, I do think in some parts you're too picky but that's just me.
As CG said, do you call them? I mean if you have rules surely you follow them too, right? or is it one set if rules for us and another for you because that to me is hypocritical.
OP you're very hung up on the idea of guys dating multiple women at once, that's why you don't like texts without your name etc. What type of guy is it that you go for that this is such a worry for you?
The thing is OP, it's your mother, friends and family, the ones who know you and love you most in the world who say you're too strict. I'd trust them on that.
Again though it's your life, make your own rules and enjoy it. They are right though, you probably are passing up on some great guys with some of them. Especially the name in the text thing, if a woman said that to me I'd think she was arrogant and self-centred that I have to say her name in texts.
Lets have a look at your pre-requisites.
They have to be willing to spend money on you or at least not care about money. So they either have to be stupid or rich in this kind of economy. They can't be broke for any reason as it's going to cost them money to get you, doesn't matter if all their money is going to pay the hospital bills of their sick mother or they are paying back a student loan, if they're careful with money they're not worth your time. Okay, got it.
So this carefree wealthy guy with no care in the world also has to say your name in a text. Doesn't matter how loyal, trustworthy, or perfect for you he might be, one tiny little detail will ruin his chances. Okay fair enough.
If the guy is too nervous or crap at making phone calls which a lot of us are, me included, then he's also gone.
Yeah, OP, that's a little strict to me. But again that's just me I can't do phone calls at all, I literally just get tongue tied and my mind just wants it to end. I can talk to you face to face all day long, but my mind goes blank on the phone. To me they've always been about arranging something or dealing with officials. Short and sweet.
Op you date for you, but I honestly think you have in your mind an idea of a certain type of guy and no one else will do. You've then made up all these rules to get this guy but that's not how it works.
Dating is about taking chances while remaining safe. You cannot protect yourself emotionally too much from that chance or you never get anywhere. It's possible you have too much of a wall built up. Not saying your name could just mean the guy didn't do it that time when he composed the text and wanted to sound casual or something.
Don't worry about it too much though OP, as Chi said openness is important, you'll find a guy willing to play your game and conform to your rules. But you might have more success if you change your attitude from testing us guys to trying us out.
Next time a guy doesn't put your name in a text, respond. See what happens. Next time a guy rushes to be with his sick mother instead of going on your date maybe try and see the positive in that. We mostly look forward to dates OP and wouldn't ruin our chances by missing one without good reason maybe listen to why that was. I mean you're hardly gong to find a guy who is carefree with money but is willing to blow off work to see you.
People are too different, this guy you have in your head that abides with all your rules may not actually exist. Decide what is really important to you, is your name so special you need to hear it?
If you can't Compromise on any of your rules and make exceptions sometimes then, yeah you're too strict and are probably just doing more damage to your emotions than dating does.
OP you're probably going to meet guys who turn out to be fools, some may even be a bit nasty but most will be okay to at least date and see if there's something there. You;re not going to know whether you get on with a guy if you won't even let them get their foot in the door because there's too many obstacles.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): This is OP. thank you for answering. First let me say, CarinGuy that you are very wrong in your conclusion about me. I am a very happy confident young woman, and no, I was not terribly hurt by any man. And no man even came close to treating me badly because I wouldn't allow this. How did you even come up with me being jealous from my post? I don't trust when a guy doesn't use my name in text, especially a guy who I don't really know, just met because I don't know to what generation you belong but my age guys text simultaneously several girls at the same time to see who will be engaged in endless texting. This is a well known fact, and I am not going to waste my time with someone who doesnt really mean to talk to me specifically but just wants to blab ona phone all day long because he has nothing better to do. Hope, it makes sense now.When I was writing about phone calls, this exactly what I ment that even when I call they don't pick up a phone and text me later. Sorry, if it was not clear. I ment , both ways. About me being the center of attention: yes, I do expect to be a center of attention of a guy especially in very early stages of dating. If I am not a center of attention for him in a beginning, if he is not head overheals with me as I might be with him, what's the point to start anything in a first place?If I am for him the same as 10 other girls then I don't want to be with someone like that. A guy that I will fell in love won't be a pushover or insecure, he will be a decent man with dignity who will love me and treat me like I am the only one for him. And he will have the same in return from me. Other guys who act as I mentioned above are not for me. Also being sensible is very different from being a Scrooge. I don't mind sensible at all, as I am sensible myself, I was talking about Scrooge like behavour, like watching every penny to a ridiculous point, like not turning AC in a car in 90F heat outside. Chigirl, I do tell them about some issues, but how am I going to tell a guy that he is penny pincher? If he is like that, nothing can change it, whether I tell him or not. I do tell them about texting, most of them don't listen. Broken dates: I had few experiences Ina past when a guy starts to cancell and then from there it goes downhill when I need to just wonder if the next date is going to happen at all. I put a stop to it after few guys did it, as I see a pattern of this behavour. Again, thanks to all of you who answered, I am not going to change my so called rules, but just wanted some different opinions. Hope I ll get more answers.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2013):
 I think many of you rules make sense. But that fact that you do not seem flexible is a great error on your behalf. YOU miss out on potential good guy by adhering to "rules" that you "think" will mean you will ONLY find "perfect" guy... That is not how it works.
A guy HAS to put your name in the text.. that one.. it's downright silly. If you think they AUTOMATIC are texting other girls they aren't for you, right? So bu expecting them to write hi "laura" and yes the weather is nice here "laura".. it petty and a little controlling. (IMHO) DO YOU do that when you text a guy or someone? After all you can SEE who you are texting......
I do agree that people who think they can carry on a successful relationship by texting only are missing the WHOLE point of dating. So yes, Asking a guy to rather call then text is not a bad rule, AS LONG as you also CALL them, not just "sit by the phone" expecting the dude to do all the calling.
And I also agree that I would NOT date a guy who is seeing SEVERAL girls at the same time. Just no. I find that nasty. I do know that this day and age that is VERY VERY common. SO again, LET a guy know how you feel about dating and exclusivity.
Like chigirl pointed out, telling a potential date what you expect/like/want is a GOOD way to start off, because if he doesn't agree or like it, well the n you can weed him out immediately.
The broken dates, I get you, but WHAT if you REALLY like this guy and he is a good fit but has a job where CRAP pops up? Then he gets dumped because you are not numero uno? THAT would be your loss. Because I bet you, you wouldn't date a guy who lost his job because he didn't put a lot of effort into his career either. Right?
And the money issue? I'd RATHER date a guy who looks after his money then one who never has any because he spends it on STUPID USELESS crap. I'm guessing what want you really mean, is you want a guy who will PAY for everything and spoil you with gifts? Am I wrong? If that is the case, then you need to enter the 2013. Where you should be able to spoil yourself and treat yourself, if you need a man to do that.. Well, you might not find a guy like that want to buy you thinks so he gets "paid" in trade (read sex).
I think you should try for a few months to NOT follow your rules and see what happens. Life is ORGANIC and so should a relationship be.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 I think you're fine except for one thing: you don't tell the guys that these are your rules. You expect a man to read your mind. And that wont happen until the day pigs fly.
Rules are fine, but if you want people to follow them you need to spell them out. When just texting (without mentioning the name of the person) works fine with ALL OTHER girls, how the heck is he supposed to know you're different? You actually have to tell him this.
Don't go around thinking there is such a thing as the "perfect man" who will just read your mind and know automatically your every wish, need, desire. You'll be waiting forever then. If you want something this or that way, you have to SAY it. Not just think it.
Soon as you start dating and entering a relationship there will be other "issues" that also require you to speak out loud, and not just assume a man will know exactly what you want without you telling him.
So, if you want to keep your list then you have to state your requirements to the guys you wish to date. So that they know about your rules. If you don't want to state your rules out loud then you can't have the rules either. That's how it goes. Secret rules are not compatible with relationships.
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female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 CaringGuy - hit the nail on the head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): I see nothing wrong with wanting to be called vs texting. It is more personal; and your preference is just is valid as anyone who likes using messaging over a call. I agree here.You might be a bit over the top about guys kissing and texting other girls. How would you even know if he's doing that? If you're too strict and overstate your rules, you'll be spending more time with your rulebook than a boyfriend.Some rules generally go without saying. They're the understood rules of dating and relationships. You don't have to state your case like an attorney. You don't have to lay down the law like a dictator.If you are a rigid rule-maker, your mother and all you friends are absolutely right. You will turn off the majority of guys who meet you. If you're stiff and inflexible, and feel you're the only one in the couple who has feelings you're wrong. He has feelings and expects you to realize he isn't married to you, you're only dating.It's okay to set certain rules that you consider deal-breakers. We all do or should. You don't have to put up with tardiness and chronic date-breakers. You can cut ties at any point you feel a guy has pushed the envelope.You just have so many rules, that he will be out the door within a week!Lighten up a bit. Be flexible, but do set reasonable standards. Don't presume all guys are dating six girls at a time. That's preposterous. They may have interests in more than one girl, but date the one they like most first. If it doesn't work out; he isn't committed, and can decide to see the other girl. Especially if she isn't overbearing.As for someone's budget, that's none of your business. You don't get to decide how much he should spend on you. If you want to be high maintenance, expect guys to want something in return. They don't shell out cash to a demanding shrew.The initial phase of dating is an introduction. It doesn't obligate either party to be monogamous. If you decide a guy isn't quite what you wanted and you decide to end it. Just remember, nobody owes you anything. He was also judging whether your were worth his time, and if he considers you girlfriend material. It's a two-way street. You don't set all the rules.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): 1.Rule One - I think that's a *little* unreasonable, but I think you can check to see if you were blind-copied. If someone is just now meeting you, he may well be meeting others. That's not cheating if he's trying to see who he likes best.2. Rule Two - that's reasonable, and it's not that hard to call you (but he needs to know this!)3. Rule Three - Semi-unreasonable I don't see anything wrong with dating several people at once as long as you're upfront about it. But again, the guy needs to know this and there's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't kiss/have sex on the first/third date. I want to make sure we're both committed before I do that and I expect you to wait on me too" You can expect monogamy in a relationship, but not in dating. I see where you're coming from, but you seem a bit possessive and the men who will put up with that are few and far between4. Rule Four - Not unreasonable. I can understand that broken dates lead to broken promises. And that once people get "comfortable" in relationships and start "backsliding" by missing dates because they assume you're always available anyway. 5. Rule Five - a little unreasonable because a lot of people count their mnoey to the penny for many reasons. Maybe he's on a budget or he's strict with himself. I see that as no big deal unless he's going to the Olive Garden by himself all the time and making you pay your way at McDonalds.You have every right to set rules, boundaries. And you have every right to protect your emotional well-being. But. Think of how you would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Say you start talking to a guy and he says on the first date, "Here are five deal-breakers and rules for you to follow" Wouldn't feel too good, would it? Seems a bit controlling to me, especially since you seem to be his one-and-only from "hello" on out.Just my opinion, but if someone gave me ultimations like that, I'd run in the opposite direction.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 November 2013):
Sadly I do think your mother and friends are right. Your rules are tight to the point where they are at points totally unrealistic. Whilst I do agree about your rule on the dating period (that's a sensible one), the rest are simply not going to be compatible with real life to the extent that you want.
First of all, why is it a requirement that you're named in every text? I don't name my girlfriend in my texts to her, because I know her and it would come across as creepy or needy. More to the point, why do you suspect that man is talking to any girl? Why a girl? That doesn't even make sense.
Then there are the phone calls. Yes, you're right to expect a phone call, of course. But do you in turn make the effort to call them? And how many calls are you expecting?
The broken dates one, again, isn't realistic. You'd end it with someone who had to cancel two dates? Really? That's not realistic. Two times in a row might need a talk, but dumping is very, very tight. What if a train is cancelled? What if a car breaks down? What if an illness appears? The list is endless.
Finally, there;s the money situation. Whilst overly Scrooge like behavior isn't right and would be a bad sign, we're currently in an economic mess an it's a sensible person who pays attention to what they are spending.
Part of me reads this and sees a very needy, jealous, untrusting woman who isn't so much bothered about having a relationship, but more bothered about having a guy around just to do her bidding. You seem to expect that under all and any circumstance, you should be the centre of attention and it doesn't matter about anything else and the moment it doesn't go your way, you throw your toys out the pram and don't bother working at anything.
The other part of me just sees a very hurt, unhappy woman who seems to feel unloved, and needs a man to jump to attention to make her feel good. Have you been very hurt by someone? Or deserted? Or just treated badly? Because that's what it seems like.
Anyway, whatever your reasons, I think you need to sit down and think about you rules. No man, with the exception of someone who is also insecure and a bit of a pushover, is going to be able to stay with you. Most of all, you need to address whatever it was that made you come up with these rules, because they seem like an extreme reaction to a lot of pain. Your rules, watered down, would make sense. But if you have no flexibility in your own rules at all, then you can't expect someone man to do as you say and stay around.
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reader, tendersmile  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 You are kind of like a muslim girl i would say they are brought up with so many rules that in the end picking up a man apart from social disapproval is an ego issue/ Or may be we can say you have a very strong ego you dont want to loosen up the hard and fast rules you have created to protect yourself but this overprotective behavior is not going to help you out finding a nice man for u, your mother is right but i think you need to open up a bit to things which are tolerable by thinking positive at times when someone says he is busy, or reduces the time to see you because taking eachother for granted is a an important phase where you two get so comfortable with eachother that u can take each other for granted. And the way someone spends his money is a private choice, judging someone on that is not the right thing to do. I hope you will think on these points to make ur life easy, good luck
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